Tinking...

Still berry frustrated, but Spidey try see di lighter side...

SPIDEY DUDENT KNEAD TO PROVE ENNYTING TO DI HOSPITALS! Spidey's a berry nice arachnid. Bedder be nice to Spidey.

    I don't know what people think. I don't know exactly how they think my brain or my body works. I know I've spent a lot of time in hospitals. If institutionalization still existed, my life would be a case study. If you think I'm a carefree, party person, think again. That's not who I am. I did try. Multiple careers. Bad communication. I tend to collect jackals. The ones that feed on vigilante justice. I've learned to keep my distance.

Healthcare Werkers

    Ting about di healthcare werkers is, Spidey can help. Dey hab to let Spidey help. Udderwize, dey keep trying to step on me. Spidey leggy.

Dear Dr. Small

 

Dear Doctor Small,

    Spidey like di tulips. Berry nice. Ebbyday Spidey tink, dis will be di day! Di day dat my stwuggle is obber! ... den Spidey's back. Did Elle talk to ebbyone?? Spidey liked Kenzie. Berry nice. Dey say dis is a long-term ting. No magical fixes, dey tell Spidey. Spidey get caught up in di details. 

Hugz!

Spidey

    I think that teaching people that they are dangerous is a mistake. I'm not actually dangerous. I'm just angry and I have problems with attention and some hallucinations. I think focusing on one member of a family as "broken" and as the "troublemaker" is a mistake. Such actions feed flames. Where is the humility and forgiveness? Why do we worship at the altar of legalized drugs? 

    I think I'm getting lost trying to understand this on my own. I think I'm stuck. I think there are other people that are part of the problem. And you can't cure half a disease. But maybe someone is reading this. Someone who can cure the other parts. Or at least keep them out of my life. I'm just having trouble focusing on real life. One person can only understand so much about the healthcare system. There's too many moving parts. 

Hatred

Dear Elle,

    It's too bad you weren't there. I don't know what they have told you. I don't know what you believe. But they are filling my head with hatred and bullshit. Maybe they think I deserve it. Maybe they think they are teaching me a "lesson". I think the hospital is failing. Badly. Missing the whole damn point. 

    Hatred does not heal a person. Threats and drugs do not heal a person. Lying does not heal a person. Missing the whole damn point. I'm getting lost here. I wish you had been there. I wish I would have recognized Small but I don't think I wanted to. I did not want to be back in that hospital. Now they want me to try again. Again. This is beyond ridiculous. I used to feel safe there. And you would watch over me. Now I have trouble staying present. Fading out. I hate the fading out. I don't know what they are doing. You always had a better way.

I think threatening each other with legal action is not the way to go. Demonizing me, making me afraid of my meds, not the way to go. Shipping me to other hospitals or states, not the way to go. Fix your damn problems. Stop teaching bullshit. Then I won't have to be the one you couldn't fix. A failure on the part of the student is a failure of the teacher.

Talk some sense into them. 

Ashes

Molly says Spidey kneads less anger before he hab his black widow. Maybe she'll be a nurse. or a doctor. Or a... writer. or a teacher. Maybe a dance instructor.

Purpose

    Occasionally I need to remind myself of purpose, because experience has taught me that I cannot always rely on others to do so. I'm trying to help. Help myself. Help others. Interdependent decisions. Not destruction. Real, actual help. 

    I have to remind myself that a lot of lives were saved at that hospital. I guess it makes people sad. To see someone fall. And Angry. I can understand that. But I struggle to understand the desire to bury what happened on Woodruff road. I struggle to understand a life supporting my families when they want to demonize me when I didn't write those prescriptions. 

    I do want those records. I want to know how many times that man deliberately and recklessly ignored safety guidelines around prescriptions. If you're complaining to YOUR OWN PATIENTS that the state is coming after you for your drugs, exactly who are we helping by burying his actions? Who? Everyone but me? Really? Is it safe to let doctors bury this shit? I don't think so.

    I think I have to remind myself that I was supporting some people who were doing some good. And they say there's the memory problems and the cognitive problems. I need to be ok with ok. That's what I need to do. I just want them to observe a few days. See if the medicine that the outpatient started is doing what it needs to do. And not monkey around too much. Because we did so well the time before. 

Calm the Waters

Wind and rain and dust and flood

Hurricanes descend from above

And so an angel extends a hand

To save the last of hope and love.

Water churning in pools of denial

To cheer the empty hero

Calm the waters once again

And drop the anger down below

Where the feathers fly again across the lonely lands

I cannot find my hero now

He fled with all his plans.

When all the states hospitals and medicinemen

Cannot revive bipolar again

Where then dost thou cast the blame?

Reflect it back and find your shame.

Garbage

    I hope the hospital keeps in mind the old saying "Garbage in, Garbage out". If you teach me garbage, then you create garbage out in the community. If you give me garbage, like excessive paperwork or nicotine gum that I did not ask for and is useless to me or garbage referrals that do no good, then you create garbage in the community when I throw it out. I only need so much garbage to get rid of. 

    What I need is help with my executive skills. That's what I NEED right now. Not bullshit opinions or harassment. If they hadn't gone apeshit and made such a fucking mess of last time, maybe this time wouldn't be necessary. Anyways, the insurance went to catastrophic coverage so... there's that. I can't help others unless I can help myself. And I'm trying to help myself. I just don't think I'm getting the right support.

Volly

 

Volly, they are heading back towards Grove. I think they're feeling inpatient.

Hope

    I hope I can trust the hospital. I hope we won't get caught up in threats and garbage referrals to various places. I need to address this brain fog. I just want an opinion. The last hospitalization was a clusterfuck. I think we can do better. 

    It's just weird trying to walk a line trying to please family and community and professionals and I'm really not that important I just need to quietly address a few symptoms. Maybe we can have more open communication and not be looking at each other as if from separate defensive positions. I do hope and pray. 

    I feel like staring off into space isn't really helpful. I must be crazy for going back there. Maybe they can do like a once-a-week IOP. I just don't see myself be able to go there more than once a week. 

Friends

    I do hope that friends from Public Health and the healthcare community check this blog. I hope that they are trying, like me, to understand the effects of taking so much medication. I hope they are not letting rumors or the occasional and legal use of hemp products to distract from the mission, which is to understand what the fuck has been going on with my healthcare and how to keep Greenville safe and the healthcare system cost effective. 

Werk, werk...

     What I'm finding is that Prichards' constant jiggering of the medications combined with my family's control of my mind and body was creating a lot of emotional conflict and both emotional and physical strain. It was a medication train on my mind. That's why I need to understand better how these medications have affected me. Past, present and future. Because medications have long term effects, sometimes even after stopping, and I was on so very many. I have to understand, if nothing else to keep the kids safe from this kind of Nazi like human manipulation. 

    I may have to go back to the hospital for a few days for them to observe again. They may have to tweak something. But this time it will be voluntary, and I'm going to specify in advance what's ok and not ok. Threats and lying are definitely not ok. And if I catch them lying or threatening again, I'll take that up the chain. I need honest help. I don't understand what Gullet was thinking. We barely spoke. I'm not going to work with her again. They can put me back with Arson or with the NP. Or find someone else. 

    I know Springbrook was concerned about the number and types of medications. I know CCBH never had a damn clue. But that's ok. We're moving on. I definitely need to reset after last time. Trust is hard. I know my counselor doesn't want me in these hospitals. But I have to be an independent adult and draw upon multiple perspectives and opinions to do what's best for me. I think a few days that is better planned and managed in the hospital will yield a hell of a lot more than the chaos that was March.

    Honestly, though, the last time I was at Springbrook, it was rather disorganized as well. Which is why I see no point in traveling that far for a few days of observation. I don't know exactly what I am capable of, but I'm told that W2 work is not a realistic option. Anyways, I've been having trouble with focus. The outpatient was saying brain fog. I'm not on ADHD meds anymore. Hopefully I can get a good opinion in inpatient on brain fog. Get this tweaked. 

    They offered the outpatient program, but I don't feel comfortable with driving back and forth to memorial. It freaks me out too much. It's very difficult to do that regularly. I'm worried I might have an accident. Dissociating while driving isn't that much different from driving while under the influence.

    It seems to be a bit of a war over what I put in my body. Medication or otherwise. The hospital prefers to feed me unhealthy crap I can't digest, shovel pills, and demonize everything else. I prefer natural and digestible healthy food, fewer pills, and the choice to take the vitamins and supplements without worrying about Nazis coming to jail me for taking vitamins. 

    Anyways, I'm tired of feeling like a prisoner in my body. I don't have patience anymore, and my body can't last forever this way. It would make sense if I was doing something more important. Like I was a secret agent or the President, then that kind of attention would make sense. Otherwise, it's a waste of resources. I'm not nearly so important to demand such tight control. 

    Because if this keeps up, they won't have to worry about where to bury me or which state to ship me to. I'll have to leave. Life isn't meant to be lived like that. The body and the mind can only sustain certain things. And it makes no sense to sustain this when I'm not doing anything important. If I can focus better, I can work more. That will be a start. 

    Maybe when I'm dead they'll stop demonizing me. Maybe not. Maybe I'll always be Prichard's demon. Maybe my brother will be my gaoler. In the prison of my mind. I hope not. I want to see something more positive in this world. I want to stop thinking in these terms. So maybe, if I try hard enough, life can be different. I sure hope so. My family has some truly bizarre ideas of who I am and what I need. It may or may not qualify as FDIA, but it is bizarre. QUICK, HERE'S MY SON, HE'S LOOKING AT ME FUNNY. FIX HIM!! And they insist on knowing EVERYTHING. It's truly frightening. It's no wonder I feel undercover at times.

    Hospital just habbing a tizzy fit obber Elle. I've known where she lives for years. So what? I knew where leaves was. Where molly was. So what? Thats what I don't understand. They were all right here. Big deal.