The Kill Switch

  The following should not be read by persons under the age of 18.

Again, this is not an advice or gossip column. But I will say this: you know someone with a dissociative disorder, you don't mess with it. It's not a good idea. Playing with fire. If you have to, you keep them grounded, you don't try to save them. There is no saving someone in dissociation. You can tell from the eyes. The faraway look. Sometimes it is simply a chemical or drug reaction. For me it's not that simple.

I've seen it with other people. A man with PTSD. War vet. Faraway. The Theranos founder. Never met her. No doubt in my mind that she was dissociating. You don't do that much, go that far, have such a dark past, fool that many people, or crash that violently without disconnecting and reconnecting to reality. If she doesn't have a dissociative disorder, then I'm Donald Trump.

That said, I think I have it all mapped out. Now I'm going with numbers, to protect my privacy. Anyways, there's 8. I have the origins and the activities, and the time periods and circumstances of activation more clearly mapped out. I wanted fewer because the more you have, the harder it is to learn and to control. They have similarities and differences. They were created and activated at different times. Certain people and places bring different ones out. Certain memories bring different ones out. 

With classic PTSD, it's a specific set of memories and triggers. With complex PTSD or DID, it really does get complicated. Multiple sets of memories, skillsets, triggers.

When one or more of these sets gets too activated, it can look like Bipolar. It's more like a system overload or dissociation. The drugs suppress the dissociation. They don't make the past go away. That's why they are called anti-psychotics. Psychosis is a permanent break caused by chemical imbalances that generally require medication to suppress, and they respond to that medication. I don't hear messages in the world. I don't see external patterns. They are internal messages and patterns, and they stay internal until you work them out and even then, the memories are still there but they don't trigger dissociation. The antipsychotics simply disable me for a time, with dissociation still running in the background.

Generally, when that happens, I feel unsafe. Then I have the kill switch. That starts with telling someone. A professional. Gotta shut it down. Like a computer. I try to keep it simple. System overload. Shut it down. Maintenance time. Take me offline.

Presence

Your Presence is like a smile in my soul

When darkness preys on my mind

I think of you and my heart is warm.

 

Your voice is like a song in my heart

The words are verse and the tone is the melody

It makes me strong just to hear you call

 

Your eyes are the looking glass I hold dear

Within them I see everything that we are

A gallery of memories shining brightly through

 

Dance with me, we’ll make our own tune

Laughter that echoes louder than a symphony

And more sweetly then the finest chimes.

It echoes forever through the sands of time.

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Trigger

For Ashes, life was always about the spark. The hard part was avoiding a wild fire. With the spark, everything was meaningless. But after a wildfire, there is nothing but death remaining. Ashes had seen a few wildfires in his time. In fact, that is how she found him.

It had been a day like any other day, back in another lifetime, when he had used a different name and lived a completely different life. Flames of hatred came down on him daily, until they consumed him. When there was just a shell of a person left, he was thrown out of the home he had known and was to never return.

So he wandered aimlessly, a broken shell looking for something that broken people can’t find: love, compassion, acceptance. He worked odd jobs and found shelter where he could. It wore on him. Always a different place, low pay, total isolation. 

He found himself in a store, staring at the food on display, yet with no coin to buy any. It would be so easy just to take some. He was so very hungry and discouraged. He noticed a strange scent of grass in the air and his skin tingled with goosebumps and a shiver. He turned and scanned the store, his eyes darting between the handful of customers and the suspicious looking clerk, then at the door. He felt a warmth on the back of his neck like a blown breath and spun around, knocking over two displays and tumbling to the floor to the sound of laughter and the sharp voice of the clerk. Angry, he jumped to his feet, primed for a fight, but the clerk and the customers merely stared at him, seemingly oblivious. A girlish giggle erupted behind him and he spun around again, only to face empty space. He heard the voice of the clerk speaking into the phone, and then a panicked whisper.

“Run!”

And he ran.

He’d never forget the day he met her.

Suddenly a burst of laughter erupted right behind him. 

Jess had a way of sparkling. She was a light. A beacon. She loved life and she loved to celebrate life. We found each other seemingly by accident. For her it was fate. She never asked him. To her there was no question.

They had a connection like no other. She understood his boldness, his strong willed spirit. He knew she would stand by him, right or wrong, for better or for worse. She was the first voice he heard. Anyone who had her trust had his as well.

They were one that was two, brought together for a purpose.

You see, when Jess found Ashes, he was drifting. He was in a life that wasn’t working, but surrounded by people determined to keep him there. Sometimes persistence is a wonderful thing. But Ashes hadn’t learned when to quit. Sometimes two people are looking for each other without even knowing it. Then they found each other, and at that point he was ready to change. 

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC

Interrogation

 There was a loud impact not 30 yards off, followed by something or someone crashing through brush and over rough terrain. Then Ashes realized that there was not one, but two creatures hurtling straight towards him, obscured by thicket and trees. As his ears attuned to the chaos, he realized that one was chasing the other, though the front runner moved with agility and much greater speed. At the same time, he heard a loud bird call in the distance, which could only mean that Diamond was moving towards with all haste. For a split second Ashes’ mind went from the runners to Sarah to Jenn and back and forth until suddenly he began breathing again and clarity and context returned to his consciousness. 

Eddie burst out of the brush, his tongue lolling despite himself. Jess could be heard whimpering not far behind.

For a moment they just stared at each other, Eddie eying the tree line across the road and Ashes too stunned to react. 

“Hey there!” a sweet voice called. Eddie and Ashes both looked to the East to see Diamond smiling at Eddie as she casually walked over, as if they were good friends. 

To Ashes’s surprise, the strange creature stepped forward to meet her, and even licked her hand. Then Jess came crashing and limping out of the forest, and Ashes rushed to help her. Sarah kept talking to Eddie and even had him doing tricks by the time Jess’s sprained ankle was ready to move again. Even Jenn seemed flabber ghasted. Sarah certainly had her way.

©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC