Enmeshment/Codependence Progress (Adult Content)

I'm continuing to work with the counselor and PA on the relationships issue. Unfortunately, I spent so long in a medical bubble with people that are so very set in their ways that it's not easy to undo this. People resent it when you challenge their beliefs. Especially if it's connected to their careers. 

They want to pretend that the overuse of prescriptions is ok. That poor boundaries are ok. They want to pretend that they are the teachers, and I am the student. I can still respect them as persons while not respecting their ignorance and their inappropriate conduct. I can still report them to government agencies if needed who can then remind them of the law. It's unfortunate when this becomes necessary. I do care about people, and the people that care about those people. Yet, if people get used to being able to treat you like crap, they will keep doing it, thinking it is their right. That is why my brother and I cannot be around each other. 

I certainly hope I do not need to contact DSS, the medical board, or SCDHEC ever again. I am concerned however, as there are several people either biologically or contractually connected to me that do not understand proper boundaries and have professional licenses. I certainly hope I never have to file any reports. That is not something I want to do. MSWs, MDs, RNs, etc. I hope they keep their ethics requirements and the letter of South Carolina law in mind. I care about people in the community, and I have a conscience. I don't like to have to report inappropriate conduct regarding myself or others. I have enough problems.

However, DSS, SCDHEC, and the local police are readily available. For all the busybody, manipulative people out there who can't help but read this. We all have responsibilities. Keep that in mind. No unnecessary comments. No unwanted contact. No undue influence. No threats. No property theft or disruption. We all have a responsibility to follow the laws of our jurisdictions. I trust the judgement of the governmental authorities to know when action is or is not needed.

I'm tired. I'm medically complex. I've been through two comas. Don't push me. As many warnings and reports as are necessary will be made. I like this community. Don't make me educate you. The world has enough problems. Enjoy your lives. I need to be separate. Don't contact me. Don't pretend to know everything. Mind your own business. You have my caseworker's contact information. Just enjoy your lives. Let me go. I need to work on letting you go too. It's not like the entire state of South Carolina doesn't already know. It's not like they haven't been tracking Social Determinates of Health (SDOH). They do know. Enjoy your lives. Leave it be. Every time you do something inappropriate, it only makes you more guilty. So, be appropriate with minors, don't misuse medication, don't try to manipulate other professionals, and don't engage in any type of fraud. Because I can't protect you. Not anymore. People are watching. They have been for quite some time. Even if something happens to me, that doesn't erase the records or what people have already learned. It's too late. Give it up. Don't ask me to help you. I can't. You don't actually know me. Not really. Because you're in denial... the state of denial... this is South Carolina... we don't live in denial...

DID Therapy

This is the stuff memories are made of... 

Wrong.

This is how they get deconstructed. Carefully, with desensitization, suggestion, restructuring, patience, and privacy.

Not that I particularly wish to reveal any secrets. 

You have a building. You have a waiting room. You have windows, art, water ready and chilled, mints, white noise machines, proper ventilation and climate control, motion activated cameras to observe trigger levels, dissociative states, boundary issues. It is safe. It is calm. It is quiet, but not silent.

You have interns, different types of professionals, including an MD. 

You have the DID see the intern, the intern then reviews with the counselor, the counselor and the intern see the DID to go together as 3. The intern gets triggered by DID, who may lie down as child, pace as protector, analyze as solver, try to teach as helper, speak in code or legalistically as gatekeeper, make friends as communicator, or none of the above. The intern leaves, the counselor and DID continue. Where does the intern go? Just down the hall, to the MD that's consulting to get coaching on thier experience. Meanwhile the counselor continues, and memories are unpacked, desensitized, and beliefs are restructured through education or suggestion, lifestyle adjusted, thoughts changed with details as big or small as songs played, fidgets, toys, drawing, nutrition, so many tools without a substance or medication in sight. Just the calming voices and the smiles. If the DID is in a dissociative state, subtle hints such as smells, what the counselor wears, anything at all to give the brain the right idea of what is needed that day.

This is violence reduction, desensitization of autistic symptoms, reeducation, medication and substance reduction... this doesn't happen in Springbrook or MIP or anywhere other than Austen Riggs. This is what McClean never used. This was thier mistake from day one. They hadn't the slightest clue what they were doing. Clozaril? Locked dark places? Creating monsters, one day at a time. 

McClean created autism. McClean created Bipolar. McClean created violence and ODs. Drug addictions. Harvard drug trials. Chemical experimentation. Clozaril. 

These disorders are manmade.

Be careful what you create. Shrinks just around the corner, DSM in hand.

Regrets

Do I have regrets? Why yes I do. Let's prioritize some of the... less personal... there's overlap... here's a start.

Not getting married in my thirties

Suicide attempts

Bad boundaries with family

bad boundaries at work

overly regimented lifestyle

not putting myself first

relying too much

taking Minipress

prescription drugs in general

bad psychiatry

Building egos

time spent in hospitals

too much tv

too much education

too much advice

contacting people without permission

worrying too much, not having fun

too much alone time

trying too hard

not enjoying simple things

talking to the wrong people

not developing hobbies as well

traveling too much

sleeping too much

Helper

The thing I've noticed about the helper is that it seems to be created and reinforced by experience, much like the rest. The helper can get out of control. Manifest as a workaholic, a busybody... 

Then with stress, it gets wierd. I transfer stress from part to part, moment in time to moment in time, supress or relieve with music, passphrases, numbers, memories, people, sensations...

It gets outta hand, then it comes out in different physical symptoms, behaviors, communications, or it can mimic different mental health issues... there's so many to choose from... AS, Bipolar, unipolar, psychosis, adhd... everything. A different shrink, a different dx.

That accounts for my troubled relationships with family members... social workers, docs, people with letters. I'm happy to let the next generation shine. I'm tired.

The thing with dissociation is that it can easily resemble psychosis. And shrinks love psychosis. It's like crack to them. The excessive activity and abrupt changes in behavior can match bipolar and its vague standards most of the time. You add in weather changes and diet changes, interpersonal influences, you get seasonal affective disorder. The DSM is excruciatingly vague. Throw a dx at a wall, it'll stick. Lapses in attention? Maybe you lost sleep, had something bad to eat, the wrong substance, were stressed, were physically sick, had a hormonal balance, even a mild seizure from a bright flashing light... bingo, you got your adhd. Don't take the drugs. Not worth it. You'll have trouble eating. Trouble maintaining weight. Energy problems. Probably headaches. If you do take the drugs, try to keep it low. I've seen what the drugs can do. It it quite frightening. Academics only takes you so far. And eventually, you do have to quit. Hopefully before you're forcibly retired or sued.

Illegal drugs are bad. Legal ones are simply tweaked illegal ones. 

Methamphetamines ADHD =Speed

Benzos/gabapentin = alcohol

Ketamine/spravato/Propofol = party drugs

Antipsychotics... dangerous beyond imagining... distort your perception... change your behavior... enable all sorts of things. But do NOT go on and off. That's very dangerous.

Minipress/propranolol... change your alertness... very dangerous. Alpha blockers, extremely dangerous. 911 dangerous.

Theres responsibility here. ATF. Professionals. Distributors. Consumers. 

Thing is, even people without a helper can lose sight of healthy limits. Too much work, trying to help too many, helping the wrong people, or misguided help.