Preaching the Word

Let's see, who does not yet know, through paperwork or otherwise, that I have health problems? I could go camping next week, then those people will know. I could move to Hawaii, then Hawaii will know. Hablo Espanol. Mexico is nice this time of year. Maybe Canada has a clinic. Georgia probably already knows...

I could always remind McClean. Or Lost'n Rigged. I saw that Einstein shrink. The PhD in MA. Clarity, Clarify... there's bound to be a shrink in West Virginia that doesn't know. Word travels more slowly there. MUSC knows... Beth Israel Deaconess, how could they forget? They brought me back from Coma #2. The device in my chest is tracked by insurance and doctors, they all know... I hear McClean has so many campuses now! Tomorrow is a new Center! Ill spread the Gospel like wildfire! No, maybe only so many people NEED to know... that boundaries thing... it keeps coming up. Complex medical trauma... who wants to learn? Rule number one: doctors are not your family. Rule number two: the nurses ain't neither. Rule number three, techinicans can have loose mouths. What's that law? Shippa? Crippa? Cant be that important. Just ignorant and well intended. Terraform? Ship in a storm? I'll remember. Nevermind keeping people safe. Nevermind ethics. Let's go piss people off. Pretend we don't notice. That's working out well. Oh wait. That boundaries thing again. There's gotta be a boundary pill. I already ate the DSM. I ate the discharge summaries. It was hard on the plumbing. Maybe i can go to Phoenix, eat thier intake papers. I'd smoke them, but I'd need my inhalor... Gateway's are a bit bland. Need more spice. What would my insurance like to pay for next? I think the rTMS and ECT makes them a bit sick. Spravato irritates my respiratory... Anmed knows me... maybe they have a program or three. I'll just go state by state. Once all the departments of health and human services know everything, then i can move to the next country, then they'll know.

Tomorrow is a new Center! I'm saved! It's a miracle! By Doctor, I am saved! Clozaluyah! Liver be damned! Immune system be damned! Thank the doctor, I am Saved! What does this prescription say? Go home. Damn. They're catching on. Oh wait, here's another! Oh, no, that's a discharge slip. Oh the internist will be so proud. I love to make my doctors proud. I'm thier veggie. The technicians water me. Harvest season is coming. I'll go to the fair... oh look! Another blood pressure cuff! Damn this is fun! I wonder what the numbers will say this time? This is better then gambling. 

And now, a message from our Sponsors... the CDC... SCDHEC... every LPC south of the state line... Please do not try this at home. Do not overdose on Depakote. You go into comas that way. Do not not overdose on Lithium. You get dialysis if you're lucky and your body doesn't quit. Do not overdose on three different prescriptions picked up from CVS... you get the desire to sue someone that way... and you'll be lucky if you come back.... Do not see more then one Psychiatrist... you become the DSM that way... it's rather dull, much like the tax code.

I am the Doctor, Saith the Shrink...

Whosoever druggith and believith in Bipolar Shall Never die...

Yet shall he become comatose, Rise up and Run around...

He shall numbeth out... He shall run around...

He shall Psychociate...

I will pilieth on the Antipsychotics,

The mood stabilizers...

The benzos and the off labels...

I will referrith here and there...

As many times as neccessary...

I will titrate up the dosage...

Until he is completely numb and unaware...

And the insurance will pay...

Or the family will pay...

So long as he does not go to counseling or journal ever again...

Pillars

I'm feeling some relief. I've recieved the neccessary reassurances from the PA and the LPC. Whatever MIP does or does not know about me will become clear from those 600 pages, if not from that then from CCBH's records, the internist's records, the records from City Center Counseling, or from the work I do with the PA, the internist, and the LPC. Or perhaps from Springbrooks records, or the ER records... The LPC's office has consulted an independent psychiatrist as well. The PA and LPC are in lockstep, and I revoked all authorizations for PRISMA to discuss me with anyone without express permission. My medical care has been firewalled. Anyone who interferes with my medical care does so at thier own risk. Gateway knows, CCBH knows, city center knows, mip knows, Mindful upstate knows, SCDHEC knows, Vinewell knows, PRISMA knows, the internist knows, DSS is a phone call or click away, the local police are too. Even the Governor knows. So regardless of what anyone does or does not know, whatever these diagnoses mean, I truly will be ok. Given that I was flagged for a Social Determinates of Harm screening years ago by the old internist, whatever is or is not true about me has popped up on almost every radar across this state. I'm being watched. But these people are trying to help me. Anyone who stands in thier way will be noticed, flagged, and potentially tracked. Abuse has to be reported. Threats have to be reported. Every licensed medical professional has that obligation. Every social worker, every counselor, every hospital, every police officer. So regardless of what the truth is, so long as i follow medical instructions, there is no danger. And I'm home now. Where i can do that.

Shameless Promotion (Groceries)

 I divided my favorites list on Walmart+

Self Care

   Lightweight low dust litter tidy cat

   Friskies cat food

   Baking soda

   Hypoallergenic soap

   Irish spring

   old spice

   Axe body spray

   Laundry detergent with oxi

   Nasogel sinus moisturizer

   Crest Mult symptom alcohol free mouthwash

   Dish pods

   Dr Teals magnesium or lemon probiotic

   Multivitamin

   Hart corded earplugs with carrying case

   Loop noise canceling plugs

   Scope mouthwash, alcohol free

   Purple fluoride wash on occasion (dry mouth)

   Epsom salt

   Body Oil

Freezer

    Frozen fruits for smoothies

    Frozen fresh veggies

    Blue Bell ice cream

Pantry

   Pepperidge Oatmeal Bread

   Chamomile tea, probiotic tea

   Ginger ale

   Rao's homemade Bolognese sauce

   Whole wheat spaghetti and pasta

   Grated Parmesean cheese

   Vodka sauce

   Whole wheat bread

   16 grain bread

   Canned soups with veggies/beans

   Chicken bullion cubes

   Peanut butter with the "natural, label (brown)

   Olive oil... I keep canola and some butter j.i.c.

   Blue diamond almonds

   Medjool dates

   Pringles

   Stevia or agave

   Vodka sauce

   Electrolyte mix for water

   Orgain plant protein or generic

   Instant coffee, espresso beans

   Nutella

Refrigerator

   Greek Vanilla Yogurt

   Greek Plain Yogurt

   Eggs

   Lunch Meat

   2%, 1 Gallon

   Rotisserie Chicken, chilled

   BetterGoods Oatmilk Coffee Creamer

   President Crumbled Feta

   Hillshire Farms Ham Lunch Meat

   Block of cheddar

Meats

   Rotisserie Chicken

   Top sirlion or London Broil <Limited

   Center Cut pork chops

   Lamb Shoulder Chops <Rare

   Lamb Shank <Never tried

Fresh Fruit / Veggies 

   Baby carrots

   Baby Bella mushrooms

   Mangoes

   Bananas

   Red onions

   Black grapes, or red

   Spring lettuce (red head, sometimes boston)

   Cantaloupe 

   Cosmic Crisp Apples

   Sweet potatoes

   Kale

   Beets

   Ginger root

You can't get alcohol (beer, fruity wine, rum), but I do leave a tip. I like the substitution system for low stock items. They have incense. Gum. It's not as high end as prime. Shipping is less reliable. Plenty of choices though. Easy returns. Signature by pass code. Gift delivery available.

Ten Pounds

 Well, I thought I'd check the score...

McClean... 2 (over one year behind locked doors in dark spaces with no tv, nothing to do, never even going outside the building... not even once)

Springbrook ... 2

CCBH ... The infamous 1

Lost'n Rigged... 1 (roughly 1 year)

MIP... at least 3 as a teen, 3 in 20s, 3 in 30s, and 3 in the past year... at least 12 total inpatient visits plus 1 IOP and at least 3 Partial hospitalizations.

Heard from the LPC. Seems that MIP did some homework. They faxed the hospital records for stay number 12ish, but they went above and beyond. They decided to do some digging... the printer got busy... 100... 200... 300... 400... 500...

600 pages of documents in the mail. We killed a few trees. About 10 pounds. I'd like to be a little less interesting. I got curious. On the internet it says the average printed page has 250-300 words on a page. 250-300 = average of 275. So one hospital had roughly 165,000 words of history to say. I once referred to it as a third home. It wasn't a joke.

Then they wonder why I need disability. 

DXes tried on for size... 2 Bipolars, 3 depressions, 1 "non specified psychosis" (thank you CCBH and SSA), 1 GAD, 1 "OCD like behavior", 2 dissociative disorders, an aspergers, an autism spectrum, an Auditory processing, a ADHD, a sleep apnea, an adjustment disorder, dysgraphia, and a half dozen physical problems... at least 23 different disorders used as working dxs, with at least 12 independently confirmed. I've retired from medicine. 

2 comas. Memorial and Beth Israel Deaconess.

3 near death experiences including dialysis and CDC involvement.

So we talked about anger. Anger and I are good friends. It knows my mind, my heart,  and through Clozaril it knows my liver.

DID Roles, Part 2

 I got a little off track. DID Roles. I figured them out. 

Child

Communicator

    Psychology

    Childhood

    Running, physical and mental

Gatekeeper

    Guitar

    Teens

    Law, right and wrong

Helper

    Crisisline

    Young Adult

Solver

    Accounting

    IT

    Adult

Going on with Life / Continuing

    Adult

    Lives normal life. Cooks. Schedules.

Protector

    Wrestling

    Physical tasks

Unitary

    The Destination or Master

    Created in Counseling by a Non-Psychiatrist who's not addicted to Bullshit and Psychosis

All associated with different times, thoughts, functions, day to day skills, memories, people, trauma triggers.

DID Roles (ADULT CONTENT)

When I first learned about DID, I knew it from schooling. The old DSM IV name. Multiple Personality Disorder. Movies like "Split", "Me, Myself, and Irene", "Multiplicity", "What about Bob", "Girl Interrupted" (Peripherally, at least... Borderline is close), "Playing by Heart", "As Good as it Gets" (identity concepts), spy movies, serial killer profiles, and movie star references. It's not a flattering dx. As one MIP shrink liked to say, it is one of the hardest dx's to treat. It does not respond to medication. Not well. It is not a Gold Star. It is not a badge of honor. It it associated with so very many problems starting with Body Dysmorphic, running through substance use, down past highly dangerous behaviors including self-harm (a hallmark) ... sometimes I think it's the male version of Borderline. Shrink won't diagnose you Borderline if you are male. They will put you in PTSD or Bipolar or Depression or if they have no other choice, they put you with the ones they don't know how to treat, the DIDs, then they label you an addict and a criminal and cast you out. You are now a user of the system. You are the incorrigible. The untreatable, with fantasy problems. They question your sexuality. They won't believe a word you say. You are their nightmare. Their demon. Because they can't treat the causes and they don't want you to exist. You are the darkness, the shadow, the demon in their mind. The one they can't treat. They think of it in overly simplistic terms and prefer to use the word Psychosis. That is their Psychosis, their demon. The DID haunts them, because they cannot cure it.

People with DID or trauma respond best to Psychedelics. Just like Woodstock, except there's a new name for the trauma. Vietnam is gone. I've never tried LSD, PCP, MDMA, or Psilocybin, but some of these are being studied or even in trials. I have tried THC, ketamine (Matthew Perry OD), and Spravato. I have never tried Propofol (Michael Jackson's OD).

The fact that I have been to the hospital from "Girl Interrupted", the fact that that movie has Borderline in it, the fact that I have DID, the fact that they are both Dissociative/Trauma Disorders, the fact that it is hard to treat, the fact that it is patterns programmed from the past, the fact that it involves memories, symbols, and songs generated from the past, that it revolves around key event and circumstances, there's so many facts about DID that cannot be denied, that clearly connect to clear and powerful details of a persons life... It is the Psychiatrist's demon. It was Prichards' demon. It haunted him. Right up until the Governor's office stepped in. Now he is released. Now it haunts him no more. 

DID is about trust, about self-image. It is the reflection in the mirror, it is a name, and behind those things are memories and pasts, things that medication and medical intervention do not solve. 

They called it by other names. First, I tested PTSD off the charts at Clarity. Then a licensed PTSD counselor confirms independently. Then the Psychiatrist started talking about dissociation, then the therapy, then it's medical PTSD, then changes in the scripts, then the Dissociation Inventory at the new LPC, who independently confirms PTSD... and what did the hours long test results reveal? PTSD OFF THE CHARTS. DISSOCIATION OFF THE CHARTS. THE SCORES WERE SO DAMN HIGH AND HOW DO YOU FAKE THAT STUFF? SOMEHOW PSYCHOSIS CAME UP ZERO. ZERO. ZERO. HOW DO I FAKE THAT STUFF? DOES PSYCHOSIS JUST RUN AROUND MASQUERADING AS SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS? YALL MADE THE DAMN TEST.  AM I THAT DAMNED INTELLIGENT? YOU'VE HAD EVERY SHRINK WITH A NAME UP THE EAST COAST LOOK AT ME. ONE OF YOU GONNA GET THE DAMN PICTURE? YOU SO SMART? A LITTLE GIRL FROM GEORGIA COMES OUT AND SHOWS UP YOU HARVARDS, YOU GONNA DESTROY HER NOW? YOU THAT DAMNED INTELLIGENT? Oh, no, some people think they know everything. Oh, they're big shots. On TV. They got their pictures on walls. Pricks.

You bring me out of a coma at Memorial, another at Beth Israel Deaconess, and you do it for this? Freaking Psychiatrists.

I still remember the machines. I was Frankenstein on their table. Whether it was ECT's Lightning bolt... 3 series, unilateral, bilateral, ZAP. I have phantom sensations on my head where they put the conductor. Then rTMS. Side of the head. Left side, generates nerve growth... Machine gun taps... Right side, calming suppressive waves... slow the neural transmissions... woodpecker... tap... tap... tap... tap... sharp... I can feel the tingling... 

ECT makes it go away! BUT IT COMES BACK! IT TOOK CARRIE FISHER. Psychosis my ass. Bad psychiatry. 

Then the VNS... electrical pulses from a pacemaker style battery up the vagus nerve into the base of the brain... activating pulses to encourage autonomic changes...

Before that it was the antipsychotics... Haldol, Thorazine, all the atypicals plus the first of the atypicals, the magical clozaril with its high maintenance and forest of physical degradations to the body, before that the mood stabilizers, the lithium, before that the stimulants and anti-depressants. 

Oh it never ends with these doctors. I've switched mostly to PA's and NPs. Medication destroys your mind and body both. A little at a time or all together.

Sometimes When We Touch (signals)

You ask me if I love you

 

And I choke on my reply

I'd rather hurt you, honestly

Than mislead you with a lie

And who am I to judge you

On what you say or do?

I'm only just beginning

To see the real you

And sometimes when we touch

The honesty's too much

And I have to close my eyes and hide

I wanna hold you 'til I die

'Til we both break down and cry

I wanna hold you

'Til the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy

Leaves me battling with my pride

But through the insecurity

Some tenderness survives

I'm just another writer

Still trapped within my truth

A hesitant prize fighter

Still trapped within my youth

Sometimes when we touch

The honesty's too much

And I have to close my eyes and hide

I wanna hold you 'til I die

'Til we both break down and cry

I wanna hold you

'Til the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you

And drive you to your knees

At times I'd like to break through

And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you

And I know how hard you've tried

I've watched while love commands you

And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters

Still searching for a friend

A brother or a sister

But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch

The honesty's too much

And I have to close my eyes and hide

I wanna hold you 'til I die

'Til we both break down and cry

I wanna hold you

'Til the fear in me subsides

Musical Diagnoses

Well, the hospital talked to the doctor talked to the internist talked to the counselor talked to the... wait? What's on the chart? Let's see...

Blood Pressure, 135/84 (Not bad!)

Pulse 68 (Great!)

Weight: gained a couple pounds back

Problem List: (This is the funny part)

Annual wellness exam (As if that is useful)

Long term use of drug (they're called prescriptions. You wrote them)

Chronic midline backpain without sciatica (as if that is unusual)

GERD (from taking clozaril and eating too much plus stress)

High risk medication use (kinda repetitive)

Severe episode of Recurrent major depressive disorder, WITHOUT psychotic features)

Sleep apnea, Obstructive (I don't sleep so good. Thanks, Clozaril weight gain plus stress)

Deviated nasal septum (from an impact)

Chronic Idiopathic constipation (gotta love this terminology)

Auditory processing Disorder (Don't hear so great)

GERD with esophagitis (As if that wasn't mentioned above)

Treatment resistant DEPRESSION (they keep inventing new types)

PTSD (Still here)

Mental Health Problem (Gotta love this one. I didn't want DID on the chart so they made one up)

Prediabetes (Another diet thing... though I'm barely in the range)

NAFLD (Nonalcoholic fatty liver... stress and clozaril)

Internal Hemorrhoids (The problem everyone wants to know)

Hyperlypidemia (This one seems new)

Weight Loss, unintentional (And here they state the obvious)

Chronic nausea (Thank you, stress and ADHD meds)

Psychosis (This one pops up from time to time)

Bipolar episode, current episode depressed, severe, with psychotic features (make up your mind)

Autism Spectrum Disorder (Here we go again)

ADHD (The first one I ever got)

BMI of 27-27.9 (shrug)

Annnnnnnnnd... down to 5 meds. 2 depression, 1 PTSD, 1 Blood pressure, one non-benzo anxiety)

Annnnnnnnnd... they're finally getting my name right.

Annnnnnnnnd... thank God no new referrals... Talk to the counselor to the internist to the GI Doc.

The one thing we decided for sure is that if I'm in the hospital again MIP will call me by the name on the chart or the guy with the name that rhymes with tent and the people above him will be hearing from me. Changed my emergency contact. Signed the new consent forms to coordinate care. So now the Psych can talk to the counselor who gets all the paperwork anyways and knows this is a bunch of bullshit that doesn't need fancy terms to describe it. I was raised by hospitals. This is the end result. Fathers were doctors and mothers were nurses. And now I'm here. With a problem list. And no ADHD meds. Cuz they suck.

Back in two weeks.

I am numero ocho.