My allergies are really wearing on me. I think i developed a sinus infection. Resting it up. I feel that I'm getting too distracted by physical symptoms. fatigue, headaches. lack of sleep. I've become somewhat nocturnal. I get anxious around people. More posts to edit... details to change.

Interpretation of a traumatic event

I remembered something about trauma. It's been said that an event that one person finds traumatic is not always interpreted the same way by others. So, differences in perspective and perception may explain the different reactions and the confusion around me. But I'm feeling better with the changes in the weather. Summer is bringing out something different. A sense of relief at last, though that doesn't mean its completely over. Waves. Moving through steps.

Revolver

    There are many reasons why, every day, I take time to remind myself why I'm doing this. They revolve around the house full of pills, the .38, all the people involved, the ICUs, the ERs, the endless overmedicalization. And we know now more than we did then. That's why the past doesn't have to repeat. And from what I understand, legal action is inevitable. But, if I stay clear and the hospital makes some adjustments, then there can be a brighter future. For everyone. 

    So I may seem obsessed, but for me it's life and death for more people then just me.

Similarities with Munchousens

    My life does have similarities with Munchausen's by proxy. Being carted around from hospital to hospital, center to center. It makes no sense. Nope, we gotta dx and drug. Can't go with normal. That would make too much sense. Though since I do have several disorders independently confirmed in controlled settings, it's not fully explanatory. That's why over medicalized makes more sense. Real problems, exaggerated. Some are permanent. Autism. Mild adhd. Capd. Probably ptsd. I'm just tired of medical. Im not even that old. It used to be interesting. These doctors need to be more careful. That's why I wanted to talk to public health. Because I see it the way that Munchausen's video sees it. As a waste of resources. These magic maker doctors are straining the system with referrals and consults and drugs and tests. If they get a few auditors, they can save resources from being wasted.

    The more I can shut down the medicalization before it starts, the happier and safer we will all be. 

I seemed fine when drugged.

I lacked awareness. I cannot repeat failure.

Sweet Home

 

Work

I keep getting the feeling there's more work to do. I have to make sure I finish this. I cannot fall back into my old life.

I think Im seeing the big picture. But im tired and some people are bad in combination. It's important that I'm around the right people. 

I just hope...

that this struggle is over soon. That I can get to the living of life phase.