Sense

I just don't get it. I'm the disabled guy with the degrees and the pills and the hospital system on one side, various doctors offices on different sides, a family on another side, and so many other people who think I have something to give or do for them. I don't actually have to go out there to know that these people are all out there just waiting for a report or some help or to drug me up or come up with a new dx and it makes no sense. Who has the energy for this? Do I have all the answers here? Does any office have all the answers. I need to retire from a half dozen more things before someone sees me and decides either they or I need something. It makes no sense.

I get tired of caring. Because problems and solutions vary depending on who you ask. Caring was more fun when I was more numb.

Medical system

I just don't get it. I may not be attracting the right kind of attention, but what the fuck do you people want? Have I not been drugged enough? Have I not said enough? Am I that damned interesting? If half a dozen shrinks can't get it right, who's up next? 

Find someone else to drug, to fill out your surveys. Leave me alone. Go away. Stay gone. I'm a little tired. This is not impressing anyone. I doubt there is a soul anywhere on this earth that is impressed with this medical system. I certainly am not. Just leave it alone. Find someone else to fix. This person is closed for business. Maybe it was interesting. Maybe I thought it was helping. I don't know. But my body can only take so much. You're wasting your time. You're wasting your paper work. Give it a rest. Do you really think that running the nursing staff or the techs or anyone at all running people around to drug me this way and that way, bring me to this and that group or center? Where the hell is this going? It makes no sense. None at all. Just leave me be. If I have physical symptoms, please treat those then fuck off. You're not helping anyone. Not really. If I'm psychociating, just filter me out. I'm a figment of your imagination. I'm not actually real. I'm a name. Some diplomas. And some pills. That's me. 

PriSMO R US

Well, isn't this just so intelligent. My life makes no sense. None at all. I've got a damn name. It's on that damn building. You know the one. You all know the one. And that name sells with those drugs. And anyone with that name who jams up that program of medicalized perfection will be hunted down and drugged into silence. Yes, MIP I got your call. Go fuck yourselves. You're not helping here. I'm tired. You guys have worn me down. I'm so sick of these damn names. PriSMO. My last name. It's such a fucking joke. How many drugs do you need to sell? How much medicalized perfection do you need in this community? WHERE DOES IT END? IT'S A DAMN NAME. Don't you people have actual lives to save? Does it really matter what I say on a damn website that can be filtered? Go drug someone else. I've had my pharmacy. Literally. I'm tired. It isn't funny. Go drug someone else. You're not helping. Leave it alone. ARE WE REALLY IMPRESSING ANYONE HERE? DOES THIS IMPRESS ANYONE? DOES IT MAKE ANY SENSE THAT MY LIFE REVOLVES AROUND PILLS FROM THIS HOSPITAL AND THAT HOSPITAL? Oh but it's such a nice name. Maybe I'll change my name to Depakote Lithium Clozapino. After the two drugs I've OD'd on and the third that failed to prevent yet a third OD and second coma. ARE WE MAKING ANY SENSE HERE? ARE YOUR DRUGS HELPING ME? Yeah, I'm a little angry. Especially when people don't learn from their mistakes. THE DAMN DRUGS DON'T FREAKING WORK. USE COMMON SENSE. 

Common sense, take three in the morning, don't call back. This is South Carolina. Not the state of Denial. Walk away while your legs still work.

Polls

OK, so I'd like to see higher numbers, but so long as someone in this world understands the problems in South Carolina, I'll be happy enough. In the past month, 2,180 Americans have learned about some of the problems of South Carolina as experienced by yours truly. 378 Netherlands. Perhaps my Chinese readers can relate to Western medicine running amuck. I'm rather certain there is someone, somewhere, who would like to see fewer pills on these streets before we run off starting a war with somebody. The Ukrianians are keeping a few people busy right now. Personally, I like peace. Maybe I'm a coward, but if I'm gonna strike someone I don't plan to do so unless they need to be dead. I'm a little angry right now, but I think that maybe it'd be better not to fuck around with our allies and worry about our own problems, while helping them deal with theirs. Just to be clear, between the EU and Russia/China/N.Korea... I'm with Europe 100% of the time. Common values. I guess people will always want our country and everyone in it to be a certain way. But maybe if we can be ok with a middle ground, then we won't have World War III or Nazi like experimentation on our own citizens... here's looking at you, Clozaril. 

I think people should be alarmed at drugged zombies on American streets. I think they should be alarmed at cult like groups of people running around causing chaos. I think they should be alarmed at warmongering and tariffs that no one can understand. I think there is reason to be concerned. 

Busybody Personality Disorder

    I've been seeing a psychiatric emergency of sorts. From the county library, which I have come to hate with a passion, to the gossip circles to the doctors' offices to the schools. Too many people far too involved in other people's business. I cannot understand this perversion. Why people have to obsess and control other people so very much. If it's not a physical defect, it's personality, or education... there's always something. 

    Why is everyone in everyone else's business? Never mind good enough, let's just keep fixing everything till it's been fixed 3 dozen times and then let's bulldoze and build something new. Instead of allowing diversity, let's medicate and have corrective surgery and re-indoctrinate at every last opportunity. Let's fix everything and then fix it again. Nope, everyone has gotta look just like us, think just like us, do just like us. Because we're so perfect. 

    There is so much overcorrection, no wonder people have to leave. Then we got all these new people coming in. Now we get to complain about them. How they are changing our dysfunction, and we like our dysfunction just fine, thank you kindly. But no taxes for the roads, because then we can't about the potholes that actually do cause problems.

    Let's spend on the money on drugs and indoctrination. Not on the roads. Let's waste money that could be spent on schools and roads on making sure everyone looks and thinks just like us. Because schools aren't meant for indoctrination. They are meant to create useful skills. Roads are meant for getting places. Enforcing gender roles, medicalized perfection, locking up the largest population IN THE WORLD is really gonna fix things? 

    Or maybe we start a war, go off and have all the people we don't like go fight it? I just don't see the sense. I do not understand this military budget or the tariffs. It makes no sense. I felt like I liked the people. I don't see these policies helping. I am appalled by what is happening at the federal level. Truly disgusted. What the hell is going on in this country? These are the patriots? really? I don't get it. Y'all are so busy destroying each other you didn't stop to think if it made sense to do so. So much base hatred and suppression. You call this Freedom? Why can't people just mind their own business. 

Supermedicated

    It's very alarming to me to wake up from a supermedicated, highly controlled state of existence and see what I see. I trusted some of the wrong people too much. These drugs are dangerous. Very dangerous. There are people that won't let me break. I have to respect that. I have to respect it by warning others of what this stuff does to your mind and body. Very dangerous. 

    These ideas they've been teaching about perfection, medication, gender roles, its not helpful. It will destroy people. It will end them in ERs. Like it did to me. It will put them in comas. Pushing too hard. Medicating too much. Forcing ideology. It destroys people. It lands them on permanent disability. It keeps them in bad situations. Clinging to the past. Do not do this to this country. Do not destroy these people. You can't lock up or ship out enough so long as you just create more monsters with hatred and broken ideology.

Community

    I really am hoping to turn my attention to doing something more positive for this community then watch a hospital system and my family fight over what I need and who is to blame. I just don't think this conflict is helpful. I don't think we need super medicated citizens permanently disabled just so they can look perfect and talk fancy. I really don't think it helps to learn 3 careers worth of information and burn yourself out trying to be everything to everyone. I don't think we need ODs in our ERs or people threatening each other. 

    I don't think this is helpful. That's why, again, I'd like to thank the governor, the medical board, the cdc, scdhec, and DSS for stepping in. For putting the brakes. And mindfulupstate and city center for recognizing valid problems in this community. South Carolina has real problems. So, maybe, just maybe i should figure out what I need to do. And maybe accountability keeps people safe. The house was full of pills. Everywhere. So many different types. You have no idea how many pills. Far too many. 

    Perfection isn't a virtue. It isn't safe. Can't be teaching people to drug it away. You end up with word salad, dx extravaganza, pills everywhere, dead tired, haunted, miserable, looking ok but not feeling anything like that, and then the physical issues... GI wrecked. Metabolism crazy. It's not worth it. It's so not worth it. Just leave people be. Let them be human but without controlling others or medicating them to death. 

    We have the largest prison population in the world by far already. How many more will we lock up? If ok can be ok, and money is not the end all and be all, then maybe it's ok to let people be imperfect. And free. Maybe I like this place too much. But it'd be nice to see people treating others a little better. Not so focused on perfection and ideology. Religious or otherwise. Because I feel like I have a very hard core, brutal liberalism on one side and a hard-core conservatism on the other that can be brutal too.

Big Picture

    I really hope people are starting to get the big picture. That overmedication is not ok. Abuse is not OK. Harassment is not ok. That whatever my problem is, carting me off from this hospital to that hospital and medicating the life out of me is not helpful. It's not helpful to force me to talk to lawyers and mental health staff. It's not helpful to inspire me to contact DSS or FBI or SCDHEC or the MEDICAL BOARD regardless of what my problem is. 

    Whatever my problem is or isn't, some people aren't healthy together. I think, at a bare minimum, the entirety of the upstate mental health community can agree, as numerous ones already have, that I have unhealthy relationships and certain people need to stay out of my life. For the good of this community. For its safety and security. We are not good in combination. I've got to relearn a few things. Just leave it alone. Let it rest. Just leave people be. Let ok be ok. We need to all take some big steps back and try to forget.

    Let it all go. Permanently. Let's not repeat patterns. Let's not go back to the same people. Let's not threaten or hurt anyone. Just let it rest. Keep South Carolina safe. Peaceful. Quiet. Part of that is leaving me be. At least until these two people, and thier respective teams and consultants (which includes multiple mds) say otherwise. If every shrink with a name up the East Coast has already tried, and these two teams believe i should stay home, then maybe I should do that. The cat is doing well. He's been in such good spirits. Happy as a clam most of the time. I get upset at times. I start pacing and I get lost in my mind. Just leave it alone. 

    These people are helping me. Let them do that. They're doing well. Don't make me talk to lawyers, DSS, anyone else. I don't like doing it. And if I have to go to a hospital, don't threaten me. It's not a good idea.

Drug Demons

Something that hadn't occurred to me until recently is how interesting people seem to find me. It was rather disconcerting at first. Being the last born of educated parents can affect the mind. Sometimes, people don't realize and make it worse.

If you get the wrong types of attention, it can distort the mind. Interpretation can run amuck. It's easy to get labeled bipolar, especially if you're male. Doesn't mean the label is helpful or the medications either. Highly perfection oriented populations can misdiagnose so easily. Distorting someone's perception of the world and themselves isn't hard to do. Creating chaos, through highly traumatic events or through unpredictable and varied demands will create people with many talents and little consistency. It will make them act bipolar. No chemicals required. They will rise and fall and be agents of chaos, because that is what they were taught. You don't have to go to McClean to know what messed up is. While some dx's like DID are rare and not well understood, they are not so rare in fact. Because these problems, they have like problems, and some hide better then others. The symptoms shine through. For DID and borderline, it's those patterns. Very well defined patterns. Reinforced patterns. Locking up people with patterns is like locking a bunch of thieves in an art museum. What will they learn from each other while gazing on valuable things they cannot have?  How will they heal? There's a few dozen geniuses with psych MDs that are so incredibly allergic to the truth. They can't see how they are part of the problem. They don't want to see. They want the reputation and money. It's sad. Promoting drugs and finding problems with people. It's truly sad. They may think I'm the insect they couldn't quite kill or stop from buzzing. But I am the warning. I am the warning of what fault finding can bring. Now they need to see that reflection. So the world can be safer. Demonizing people creates exactly that: demons. Drugged, useless demons. So great job guys, I'm sure we all appreciate it.

Physical

I've moved from a deep freeze to semi freeze and now i seem to shift between a mild fight state and mild shutdown. The fight state involves more GI upset and increased BP and temperature. 

They call it polyvagal theory. The engagement zone, the freeze zone, the fight zone. There's much more detail but I'm still learning the truth and unlearning the Bipolar bullshit and toxic masculinity. But I truly was screwed over by psychiatrists addicted to their own ideas of importance, ignoring red flags, overprescribing, and endangering this community with limited understanding of fight/flight symptoms, dinosauric theory, and a list of patented drugs that numb and alter behavior.  I helped them do it. I'm no longer helping them. There are others that are numbed and walking around with their issues. That ignore their reality.

Sometimes medication is necessary. It should be used with caution. Men aren't dangerous unless they are taught to be dangerous. And even then, they have to choose. Different men make different choices.

Patience

I struggle with patience. A traumatic event on top of a sudden increase in awareness is not a recipe for understanding. Being highly analytical is not a recipe for patience. The memory blocks and processing problems make tasks difficult. I'm too eager to engage. I slip into complacency. I look around and I see denial almost everywhere. People dripping with ignorance and yet only too sure of themselves. People with letters engaging in fits of incompetence and then disappointed at the results. Thinking that surely it's not that hard. Thinking that they are special. Thinking that they can see through the issues and fix me. It's not that it amuses me to see them fail or even that I want them to fail. I'm just amazed that they are wasting thier energy and engaging in such delusions. They called Prichards the magic maker. Now everyone wants to fix me and no one can. They wonder how I learned to idealize and engage in delusions when they themselves taught me line by line. They wonder if this "Bipolar" simply dropped down from heaven. They don't have the patience to realize that they themselves are human, they themselves make mistakes and fail. They want to demonize me but can't look in the mirror. I wonder why. I could be more patient if they weren't so full of shit themselves. Some of the changes in me are long term. Others are relatively permanent. There is no fixing me. The brain still has plasticity. Let it rest. Don't play with fire. And I will work on thoughts, emotions, and routines. Forget diagnoses. Forget medical solutions. Forget trying to manage me. Leave me be. Give me peace. I'll give you the same. I need quiet. That more then anything.

Thermometer

10. Rage

Psychosis like behavior. Defensive, abrupt, sometimes paranoia. Visual changes, fading out, hearing changes, faraway. Ranting. Intense fear.

9. Fury, hostile, closed. No longer listening.

8. Anger, impatient

^ Danger ^

7. Cautious, Irritable

6. Nervous/Alarmed

5. Overstimulated/stressed

^ Too activated ^

4. Peak, headache, fatigue, losing focus

3. Engrossed

2. Pleasant engagement 

^ Productive ^

1. Unoccupied, attentive, curious

0. Bored/tired. Slightly dreamy. Adhd like.

FBI

So I rather regret filing a report with the FBI. I have a sneaking suspicion that my report is very related to the internet disruptions and password reset requests that day. So my professionals are getting used to having conversations with state and federal agencies... the local police can breathe a sigh of relief. The same people that want me to shut up know county and state officials pretty damn well. Extremely well. Unfortunately they can't control the medical board or federal officials... but I'm not law enforcement I'm just pissed off. So again, it's really a bad idea to know me unless I contact you. It attracts the wrong kind of attention. Let it alone. Don't worry about DSS. Worry about DEA and FBI instead. I'm trying to keep myself physically intact and mentally functional, help the local hospitals figure out how we got into this mess. Keep people safe. And maybe the federal government doesnt mind so much giving me some disability and some insurance, if it keeps me healthy and keeps some dirty doctors in line... maybe they come to appreciate that actually... but they probably prefer not to get contacted... so, speaking on behalf of the FBI, please don't contact me without permission. It's not a good idea. Thank you. Please don't threaten me. It's not a good idea. There are jails for some things.

Side Effects

Almost every time I talk to a non-professional who knew the medicated me I get the distinct impression that people want me to shut the hell up and medicate. Such desires have side effects. Insisting on seeing someone through a lens of medicated perfection is a distortion of reality. I get it. I kinda liked the old me. But that's how I got here. Medically complex, permanently disabled unless I learn to deal with emotions differently (near as an honest professional will tell me), unable to maintain relationships... unable to maintain jobs... a medicated perfectionism. Oh, you'll be damn strong... miserable, and unstable. You have to deal with the emotions and set boundaries, or you'll drown in pills and anger and there will be no help for you on this earth. So I strongly advise anyone who knew the old me to avoid contact unless I contact you. Oh I'm full of ideas, you made me that way... not all of them are good ones... the local hospitals and I are engaged in some learning... leave it be. Or people as far off as Singapore just might understand the dangers of overprescription and poor boundaries. I like this state. I like it quiet, safe, peaceful. I'm planning to keep it that way... but I need to work with these hospitals, improve my health and hopefully keep them from endangering the population. I especially want to discourage medical professionals yet again from contacting me directly, indirectly, or by soothsayer unless they are on a treatment team... that would be extremely poor judgment. 

Gratitude

What am I grateful for?

Knowledge...

People...

Food...

Home...

Rest...

Spring...

Peace.