Dreams and Nightmares

See, I have both dreams and nightmares. 

The nightmares tend to revolve around pills and people suffering. Around SWAT teams and men with guns and badges. 

 

The Dreams revolve around writing good things and maybe doing more taxes. Marriage. Heaven. The soul is like a garden. I get tired. These things I know make my head hurt. There are people that want to shut me up. But they can't control the Federal Government. Maybe not even the state. So I need to FOCUS. On no longer PROTECTING people. People that want me quiet and compliant. People who think they are too rich or too educated for a hard lesson. 

 

Until we meet again

And time makes it harder

I wish I could remember

 

Who Knew?

 

The young people make me particularly nervous. that they don't understand what they are dealing with. 

 

People that Know

 

Springbrook

Arson

Mindful

City Center

Elle

Hurray for a child that makes it through
If there's any way because the answer lies in you
They're laid to rest before they've known just what to do

Their souls are lost because
They could never find

What's this life for?

I see your soul, it's kind of gray
You see my heart, you look away
You see my wrist, I know your pain
I know your purpose on your plane

Don't say a last prayer because
You could never find

What's this life for?
What's this life for?

But they aint here anymore
Don't have to settle the score
'Cause we all live under the reign
Of one king
But they aint here anymore
Don't have to settle no goddamn score
'Cause we all live under the reign
I said, you know, of a one king
One king, one king
But they aint here anymore
Don't have to settle no goddamn score
'Cause we all live under the reign
I said, you know, of a one king
One king, one king

But they aint here anymore
Don't have to settle no goddamn score
'Cause we all live under the reign
Of one king

Certainty

I'm certain, despite my delusions and lies, that the Federal government has a few small repairs regarding CCBH, MIP, Woodruff Road, the fella that used to work under church, and my families. I'm certain the FBI would need some IT people and to review medical records and bank transfers. To keep eyes on certain people I have been close to. To ask questions. About extortion, civil rights violations, drugs. About where some disability money goes. Not just mine. 

Gambling

See I think that prescribing drugs in controlled settings against the wishes of people is a bit like gambling. Especially, if, say, they end up in the ER the same day they are released. 

Patience

I feel like I need to be patient. Because some people might be going away for a while. It's just hard to focus. There are certain people that shouldn't leave the country. Or do anything foolish. Until the government decides what to do. People get tired. They slow down or switch. Doctors are people. Some of them don't understand this. I should have slowed down sooner. people need to take turns. Or they become witnesses. Then maybe they think about switching. I've seen it happen before. I think people above the age of 70 should not be allowed to practice medicine. But maybe that's extreme. So, until my thoughts are a little less extreme... There cannot be a court date without calm and without ... sorting.

I've been thinking too much...

They say not to think too much. You know, that reminds me. The PA said that ritalin can increase anger. Which is exactly what Springbrook said about madderall. See, some people tell me the right things. They don't work on woodruff road. They didn't work under church. They didn't work at McClean. I remember the Psychologist at Lost and Rigged. He was very good. 

I'm just disappointed in that ENT. But they might find me a new one. I think they're glad I firewalled my healthcare. Feet seem more normal today. My head has those weird headaches still. It varies. Right now it's near my right ear and the front of the face. 

I guess when people get too close, there's that group think. That's why I like the firewall. That's why I like male-female working together. I like diversity. Sometimes it shuts down group think. It's not just a source of new ideas, it shuts down bad ones. So now I have a few males, a bunch of females, multiple races, multiple age groups. 

One intern said that women like male gynecologists. They're not familiar with the equipment. So they're not as rough. That makes sense. Too much familiarity can be bad. 

I've got some dishes to put up. Some clothes too. You know, I figured out why I like the downstairs. Some of my better memories are down here. It's more open. More light, but still privacy. 

I'm hoping the government is hearing me on this. I hope, like me, certain professionals are taking their vacation days, thinking about life choices, thinking about who they've been spending time with. I'm hoping that they are working together. Not pushing too hard. Slowing down the med trains. I'm pretty sure there's a reason it's been hard to get some more liberal doctors to shut up and that others won't let me quit. There's talk of protecting people, cult like thinking, too many meds... hospitals vs hospitals. Somethings do look incredibly like racketeering. profiting off insurance and medication. In collaboration. Against the wishes of others. So maybe I'm not the only one wavering at times. Maybe others are thinking of switching. Maybe they're tired of the chaos like me. I rather hope so. I really want the government to take a hard look at my medical records. Find the doctors that overprescribe. Get Clozaril permanently banned. Irrevocably. No more multistate clusterfucks. No one likes cleaning up someone else's mess. It's true. That's why I need to slow down. I know there are people just itching to help. Even the ones at CCBH. Who don't like me very much. Maybe they need restitution too. So I'm just waiting. for the government to decide. So people can breathe easy. So the kids will be healthy. I didn't even start the disability. Family did. Sometimes I can't control. Others do it for me. 

Drugs are dangerous. Even when legalized. Talking can be dangerous. It can turn people against you. So I'm confident the government will be keeping people safe. Just matter of time. Hopefully I can see the kids. Some of my friends. Without saying much. I've got a printer to analyze. I've got to look at my taxes more. Maybe avoid being overly romantic with health care people. No more run by huggings. Metaphors are addictive. 

The Old Days

 You tink Spidey dudent gno? Spidey's onto glue. Nebber saw dis coming doh. Spidey miss di old daze. Crawl with me...

Distwacted

Spidey a liddle distwacted. Gedding off on di wrong leg. Ebbyday almost. Spidey tink. Call out di itsy bitsy dibbision! Datdadadaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Dey grappling rite inn!

Weakness

I had a bit of a weakness spell. I was able to get a massage mat out. The vibration helped. I'm more aware. Memory is coming back. Slowly. I think it was kat that had a clearer perspective. Some of the team are silent partners. Behind the scenes. My psychiatrist and ima. They are still there. Still watching. So I know people are helping. Other then rest and a peaceful environment, the how's are unclear

Love

 I think I'm confusing my concepts a little. 

Nursing

Spidey a liddle INPATIENT. Maybe a bit impulsedive. But di team is hard at werk. As long as dey don't hit me wit di broom, Spidey be ok. Time to get webby...

Nature vs Nurture

    Now, there's a concept in Psychology known as nature vs nurture. Not that it's a new concept. Something CCBH clearly did not understand. Blatant stupidity. Anyways, nature is that genetic predisposition and nurture is experience. So, maybe, people understand nature vs. nurture better, we won't need so many drugs and whiteboards. 

    Children that can self soothe, ones that are given space and taught proper boundaries, those children tend to do better. They have better emotional control. They don't need as many pills. 

    I definitely had a chaotic childhood. I was definitely not given many choices of my own. I definitely had people bullying me and causing me grief. I definitely became a runner. I definitely learned some self-defense. I definitely have survival mechanisms. I'm definitely at the point of fighting back. Y'all taught me a lot. 

    I remember Fort McClean. The armoring. I can't see anything positive about that place. But I know why I ended up there. And nothing happens in a vacuum. People have help. Maybe this time, we can be more constructive. Maybe this time less like Nazis. Less like Machines. More like people. Elle was patient and kind and that helped me keep going. But I have unfinished business. Some clean up. It's what drives me. I can barely think about anything else. It's time for some clean up. A little bit of tweaking. Of the people that helped me get here. those people. They have letters after their names. They were my families. Just a little cleanup. Until the bullshit stops and we all sit down. 

    There's plenty of records. I'm confident that there are MDs that are ready to switch. And then it ends for good. So, let's be intelligent. Stop playing games. Mind our own business. And let a court sort it out for good. Otherwise, it never ends. This is what you created. You turned it against yourselves. Too many people know. So, it's only a matter of time. I need a court to rule. I need the FDA to ban that drug. Permanently. We started something decades ago. It has to end. 

    My families and I have a cancer. We need to work it out. Permanently. Not some, get over it bullshit. Not some, forget about it bullshit. Not some quick fix. A permanent solution. By court order. Or it never ends. People will always mess with me. And it's caused problems. A mess across the upstate and into Massachusetts. It's wearing on people. It's just "my" problem. It's interstate. 

Moving On

I had me another idea. See, if I tone it down a little, maybe the medicators will stop getting on my case. Maybe they will mind their own business. Maybe if I stay in the middle and try to enjoy life like Arson said, maybe then people don't need to study me like Arson said. Arson gets good ideas, from time to time. One thing I'm sure of is that people with that name on the building need to tone it down, stop messing with other professionals. Because I know my women are helping me. I know they get tired of the craziness. As amusing as people seem to find it. To me it's such an odd thing. My whole life. It makes little sense. I've been talking about the crazier parts. The dirty laundry parts. There were other parts. That reminds me of switching. They said I had healthy parts and unhealthy parts. You knoooooooooooooow... Maybe this whole sorting professionals thing is like sorting laundry. And it's not just sorting professionals to be cleaned. It's like sorting ideas or experiences. Sorting impulses. Maybe keeping people healthy is less like engineering or white boards and more like cleaning clothes. Adjusting experiences. Riding the wave safely. I wonder if this headache thing is related to VNS. And I can't figure out the foot. I hope Jenn and Elly got my messages. I'm not sure why there's still a female PA on my mychart. Maybe they are getting desperate. She's blonde. Go figure. Yeah, I get it. Elly's blonde, Elle's blonde. But I really started this because of the Clozaril and the med train. And overreaching and obnoxious male professionals. Like Garbage for example. I keep hoping they'll take him out. Just praying they don't recycle him. Too toxic. I've met a few assholes in my day. But I am tired. I need to do something other than visit healthcare people. Quiet life is nice. Then I can focus on something more productive. But I feel better knowing that the government is watching. I feel better knowing that I'm helping Public Health. I know my friend would want to help. I just hope I'll see my friends again. But I think maybe it's best if I keep kinda quiet. Until my footing feels more solid. I need to file those taxes. You'd think I'd be able to do that. Maybe I'll look up those forms. Try to get my printer working again. Not sure what the FBI did. They never spoke to me. I just know that Timmons and the governor like things quiet and peaceful. I get annoyed with people messing with me. Can't mind their own business. Makes me less flappy. And people stealing stuff just makes me angry. Makes me want to file reports. You know, my nieces have brown hair. Not all about hair color. Some of the kids go to Clemson. One USC. One Furman. There's only one doctor I truly hate. And he was actually a PhD. But maybe this is my big FU to him. Maybe now people will know the kind of garbage that man is. Human filth. Maybe some are just too med happy. But that PhD was a piece of work. 

Focus

Now that the FBI is in town, I don't have to worry about protecting anyone. Because I'm protected. So we need to focus. On getting Clozaril off the market. An apple a day plus the FBI keeps the doctors away. We need to focus on making the de-medicalization of South Carolina permanent. Avoiding toxic masculinity, perfectionism, pushing too hard, too many drugs, dirty money, dirty doctors, dirty pharmacies. So I would hope they are reviewing the medical records. Because the state builds legal cases. That's not my job. I just give them what they need. I need to focus on real life. I need to pick up that Abilify. Maybe the FBI should be checking on the private pharmacy where I got most of the meds. I think Walgreens just doesn't like me because of Theranos. That's ok. I get it. CVS isn't a fan either. But I stick to the natural remedies and the earplugs. The Flonase. People are just concerned, I'm told. People are trying to help. I need to make sure this stays on track. Stay away from liberalized medicine. Dangerous. That's why they tell me it's a former life. Thank God. At least the FBI knows where to look. They can do the dirty work. But they better check on that private pharmacy. Maybe the compounding ones that gave me the ketamine. Maybe that's why the pharmacies try to shoo me away. Because they are hoping that the FBI cleans up. I don't know what they are doing. But by now they know enough. I have to let them do their job. Keep us safe. Slow down the referral and drug trains. I hope everyone is cooperating. Some people needed to switch. I'm not switching anymore. I'm staying in the middle. Helping out. Then maybe I can do something else. I'll just assume they'll let me know when they're finished. Maybe try to keep it clean. I like the quiet life. It's nice. And I think my liver needs a break. I can feel it and my right foot. Maybe less talking to... people of low morals. I had a friend just a little while ago. He warned me about these social medias. Seemed like a nice guy. I kept his cat. But this medical business has been consuming. So I need to focus. On helping out. Staying in the middle. I hope that everyone in Greenville County is minding their p's and q's. We're cleaning up a little. And I need to stay away from hospitals. I think the FBI would also prefer me to be easy to watch and manage. I think I can say these things. I think it helps keep people safe. But I won't be saying a whole lot. I don't know what's going to happen. I need to be patient. Let the government figure this out. Mind my temper. Springbrook will help. Vinewell. Mindful. People are trying to help. I need to let them do their job. I'm not sure they're keeping the name on that building for much longer. I need to go by Walgreens.

Human Engineering

Medicalized perfection is like any other type of engineering. There can be design flaws. That's why I need to help the FDA and Public Health. We missed a few things. A few things that Atlanta and Riggs tried to point out. Clozaril is dangerous. Pushing too hard is dangerous. We need to keep the people safe. No more multistate clusterfucks. I know firsthand. Boston and SC have a few things to work out. Clozaril is dangerous. Some things are permanent. My sense of humor struggles at times. There can only be so much transcendence. Some things need to stop. Clozaril is one. Toxic masculinity is another. Drugs trials from Harvard need very close eyes. Before I start suing half the country. I get it. Doctors want to be proud. Like Military fathers like to be proud. That's ok. But maybe a little less human engineering. Maybe fewer drawing boards around what people should be like. We don't need to be Nazis. We shouldn't act like them. They were the first to mass use amphetamines, I understand. Now we use their cousins for ADHD. Maybe we should be careful. Some things can become permanent. Then people wonder why I have World War III in my head. Y'all taught me a lot. Maybe I can help. Maybe there can be less excitement in SC. Maybe the world has other issues to work on. I want that drug off the market. Conner, he was German. You know I have a few hangups. I think we can still be proud. Without Clozaril.

FDA, Public Health Re: Clozaril

So, I understand that drug trials can be helpful. But, going back to undue influence, patients need to be able to make their own choices. Before they start thinking of suing thier own providers. Or drug companies. Before they start bouncing between offices, ERs and hospitals. Before the FBI steps in. So, I'm happy to help. See, I think the nurses and techs get sick of running around for these doctors. I think musical diagnoses and musical meds is dangerous. I think pushing people so hard and trying to perfect them and antagonizing them with side effects and microanalysis turns them against you. Then you start calling them paranoid, psychotic, bipolar, ptsd, oppositional defiant, fictitious disorders. Things like that. I think some of the EMTs and the counselors and Springbrook understand these things. Then MIP gets all pissed off to be questioned. Woodruff road gets mad. Never mind the guy that worked under church, though I still think he is garbage. I think CBT encourages some unrealistic thinking. It encourages idealization. That's what garbage didn't understand. With the stupid diagrams and snotty smiles. The insults and the bullshit. In working with woodruff road the way he did, he caused a shitload of harm. Toxic Masculinity. That's some of what he taught. He was a poor excuse for a human being. For me, he is the Lucifer of demons. Predatory. Borderline insane. But I worry about that later. I'm sure there's enough pissed off people. He's too old to do much more harm. I'm sure even woodruff road doesn't like him anymore. Maybe now that the blame seems to stop moving around, there's a place to park it. He was definitely a narcissist. I started there in 2002. 

So, I guess "my women" like me to stay home because of the autism spectrum type, Central Auditory type, PTSD type symptoms. Because of the run by huggings. It gets awkward. People have work to do. And the MDs are worried about legal issues. Maybe Elly and Jenn have further suggestions. Maybe not. Maybe I'll do more taxes when doctors become less on my mind. But one of the reasons I hesitate about the medications is that they interfere with emotional expression. But maybe this Abilify will help. I don't think I've been on Invega. Maybe it would be better. But trying new drugs freaks me out. They say I'm wierd. I've been manipulated by the best of the East Coast, though the Atlanta guy said no. That was intelligent. Maybe McClean should have heard that. I know Austen Riggs knew something wasn't right. I know they tried to say so. And I think Clozaril is to blame. And Clozaril had a home. McClean. They took it off the market, put it back on. I think it needs a permanent ban. Irrevocable. There are newer alternatives. And who's going to complain? The drug companys? It's out of patent. Who gives a crap. Better to preserve people's bodies, their livers, blood sugars, and their immune system. We don't need to be Nazis around here. We don't need drugged zombies who turn against us. Maybe I'll save my lawsuits for the clozaril manufacturers, for the McClean doctor, and for the Narcissist. Because Clozaril didn't come from SC. Atlanta said no. Riggs said we're concerned. But the Narcissist taught toxic bullshit and McClean created insanity. I worry about those Boston area people. The people Woodruff road said were dropping like flies. I wonder what they are doing now. Maybe they should consider legal options. Maybe one of those class actions. Because I think Greenville County is pissed off. Like I am. People make mistakes. But we don't have to repeat the past. I think that's what "my women" mean by permanent. No more medical drama. I think that's why my sister wanted to help. Because she knows. These people know I need, like Artstick said, natural and wholesome. Not drugs. Abilify is safer. I don't know how many people are on clozaril. But I think we have a few small repairs. One doctor tried to say she didn't see it on my record. As if I was that stupid. I don't remember which one. Maybe that's a good thing. There are alternatives, people. Maybe we don't all need lawsuits. Maybe restitution comes in the form of educating our health care providers, boundaries, shutting down toxic masculinity, and taking clozaril off the market again. Permanently. We need a little bit of realignment with healthy standards. The Narcissist and his friend, MA hospital, Clozaril. And pushing too hard. Plus, some mild AS/capd. Some mild ADHD. And now PTSD. A multistate medical clusterfuck that Atlanta tried to stop.A pissed off county. A little bit of clean up. I want that drug off the market. I don't think I'm alone. There's a lot of pissed off people round here. 

Sunny came home to her favorite room
Sunny sat down in the kitchen
She opened a book and a box of tools
Sunny came home with a mission

She says, "Days go by, I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire"

Sunny came home with a list of names
She didn't believe in transcendence
"And it's time for a few small repairs", she said
Sunny came home with a vengeance

She says, "Days go by, I don't know why
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire"

Get the kids and bring a sweater
Dry is good and wind is better
Count the years, you always knew it
Strike a match, go on and do it

"Oh, days go by, I'm hypnotized
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire"

Oh, light the sky and hold on tight
The world is burning down
She's out there on her own, and she's all right
Sunny came home

Sunny came home
Came home
Home

I was at McClean in two stints. Interrupted by an OD. That occured. While. On. Clozaril.

And now they can't shut me up. Because I'm not alone. The voices are getting louder. In Greenville County. Harvard Drugs trials. At McClean. They're pissing people off.

Great Job Guys. Really. We appreciate it.