Bury Ashes

I wonder why people say some things. It seems sadistic, some things people say. Yeah, I've gotten death threats. A few. It's a strange place to live sometimes. In a strange time. So might as well let everyone know exactly where to find me. Because if I end up dead at this point, they'll know right where to look. So, there is no danger. No one would be that stupid. It's just depressing people feel the need to make death threats.

Funny

    Someone said something funny the other day. She said its good to see someone thriving. Somehow I'm not sure what she meant. This seems slightly short of thriving. I don't understand doctors. I've got a sinking feeling. I feel like I'm seeing only the dark. I'm not even sure why. I liked myself much better before I knew what I know now. World's going in wierd directions. I'm not sure exactly what these people are trying to accomplish. Maybe I should write more fantasy. Realism seems over-rated. It's gotten too dark.         All I know is that i need to change directions. I really don't understand these doctors. Or the hospitals. Makes no sense. 

    The other funny thing is the lies people tell. The doctors will say one lie, the patients a different lie, BUT THEY BOTH LIE. And then they point fingers. Makes no sense. I don't get these people. 

Clozastill

I need to think about something else. Thinking about money, psychology, and work is not doing it for me. I feel like I've been sprinting the wrong direction for decades. I need a reset. Clear my head. I'm so tired of this. Everyone thinking they know what I need and not having a damn clue. Bad programming. I learned wrong. I need to reprogram. Just a toxic cycle. I hope they find the wisdom. Make that pray. I pray they find the wisdom to ban clozaril permanently. Dumbest shit. Just a numb zombie stumbling around. For what? Permanent disability.  Great darn idea. Let's think another one. Geniuses. Truly. Stupid stupid stupid.

Return on Investment

I cannot swing too far to either side. I have to stay in the middle. I cannot indulge in liberalized medicine. I cannot indulge in revenge. There's work to do. Just because my life has changed does not mean that the world has stopped. It's still moving and there is so much going on. But I have to be sure of my footing. Walking blindly is not the path. Each day I have to remind myself of the goals and the directions. I cannot get off track now. I've come too far. They say I am strange, but this road might be stranger in that I'm definitely walking between groups. Have the liberal doctors repented, like I have? Are they being more careful? Are there others? Were there other houses full of pills? It seems like an important question. Because I know not everyone had the same experience. I know that the hospital is different now. And the CBT BS? Toxic masculinity? The meds? Have we truly learned? I hope so. I'm having trouble getting out of the past. I know that it's gone. They are replacing MIP. People are moving on. But I still get angry. All that danger to self or others crap. All that psychosis BS. Just to keep the pills moving. I got a little off track. I became their demon. The one they couldn't fix. Pushed too hard. Didn't understand CAPD or AS. Now we do. We understand nutrition better. We understand what people actually need better. But I've moved between anxious and fury a few times. I need to keep it lower. If it gets too high, I can't function. And if I get too angry that gives them an excuse to demonize. When they have their own faults they conveniently ignore. Go ahead, pass the blame around. We have to stop the cycle of blame and drugging. I don't always have the right words. I'm sure they will let know me know when I'm ready for more.

Determination

    What does determination look like? Much like stubbornness or courage. Doing something you know is right, consequences be damned. I have to return to my journals again and again to remind me of what the doctors want me to forget: the problems of Greenville County. There are people determined to see this through. I have to remind myself so that next time the doctors or their friends try me, I won't be suckered back in or intimidated by their threats. Because I'm not one of them. I'm the Auditor. 

New Idea

Here's a new idea:

If you want me to stop lying about my families, stop lying to me and others about myself.

If you want me to respect doctors, respect patients. 

If you don't want me playing games, don't play games with me.

If you want me to stop idealizing, stop idealizing me.f

If you want me to stop threatening, stop threatening me.

Don't put me in a toy house and pull my strings and expect me to smile and kiss the royal ring.

Don't sweep your colleagues mistakes under the rug and demonize me and expect it to go away.

I have freedom of speech. Get freaking used to it. If you ever want to see me again.

Just stop being assholes and I will too.

Deal? Let's not make talking through lawyers necessary. 

I'll be more able to work and mind my own business and all that if people stop messing around with me.

And my mike truly has been <coughassholeahem> not very nice but I'm sure he's sorry and I'm sorry for calling him an asshole and maybe if we both quit we can be on speaking terms. Y'all just push my nephew too hard and I don't appreciate it. I know how he feels. I'm rather sick and tired of my families. Some people never learn. Bad in combination. Too much drugs is bad. Even by prescription. Back off of Angry and maybe Angry can back off.

Recall

The thing thats most disturbing to me is the memory issues. My memory is not cohesive. It's divided. At any given times, different blocks of the past are more or less recallable. Most of the time there's very large blocks i cannot remember.

Case Study

I guess when Prichards wanted a case study, this isn't what he had in mind. Well, you taught me everything. Maybe I use it. Well, thats kinda funny. I mean... I'm relying on medical advice. Hah. And yet they enjoy being pissed off. That i followed his advice and sometimes still do. That's funny. It really is. I've internalized them. The doctors. The EPS is really bad. That's muscle spasms and restlessness.

Gray Matters

    People develop more understanding as they get older. They really do. When you're young, it doesn't always occur to you that people understand more at an older age. They see more shades of gray. Especially when not drugged. That's why I simplified. There are multiple professionals who believe that Prichards, clozapine, and the Bipolar/CBT BS I was buying into were all not a good fit for me. 

    I have to heed medical advice. Y'all can't even agree. You just agree it's messed up. I think we all can. So I decided to rename the series. We can still be proud. Not of our mistakes. But from learning and adapting to what we did not know before. SO LEARN. 

What they want to hear

Sometimes I'm careful about what they want to hear. Telling people what they want to hear is the inverse of believing everything you hear. Sometimes white lies are required. When people won't back off. Then later, you have to let them figure the rest out for themselves. When people are giving you orders that you cannot carry out. Anyways. Tired of conflict. Starting to remind myself of "Insomnia".

Angry

Now, where was I? Ah, yes, Angry. Angry is a little upset with the medical system. Angry feels they aren't listening. Angry isn't alone. Other people are Angry too. Angry just wants to make sure people are safe. Be taken seriously for once. But the doctors are more interested in covering up their mistakes. But that's ok. Because people know what happened to Angry. At least some people understand Angry. We're all human. Angry just needs time and space. People that actually listen. Take Angry seriously. And Angry found them. They work at places like IMA. 

The Drugs didn't get me through McClean. You wanna know what it was? Faith. I talked to God. People don't give me credit. But I have faith. I kept saying to Him... I know there must be a reason. You're trying to make me strong. But for what purpose? People don't want to give me credit. They want to demonize. Find someone or something to blame. And run around. It makes me Angry. Clozapine isn't worth the shit they make it out of. Human engineering run amuck. I cannot go back to the medication table. I need to take my meds sparingly. Not shovel them down. It's the pills that are the problem. Pills, lies, and coverups. They kill just like guns. Just ask Beth Israel Deaconess. They know. It feels good to write truth. Pills will kill you. I was misled. "Clozaril is YOUR medicine." Bullshit. Liar. I gotta stop missing red flags. I gotta stop spending time with doctors. God complexes. The patients revolve around them. 

There is NO fix for lies and unprocessed emotions. You're looking for a criminal? Someone to jail? Look for the white coat. Then you'll know who the criminal actually is. The rest needs to remain unsaid. Theranos was real. Some other things are too. Trace the history. The people. The facts. Then you know. There are somethings that cannot be faked. Started in childhood. I cannot possibly fool this many people. SOMETHING happened. Before the age of ten. The rest is history. 

DON'T SPREAD YOUR TRAUMA!

My People

I feel like I'm trying to find my people. Some people have betrayed my trust and I have to keep them at arms length. Because it goes back to, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... it's over. Trying to determine how far an arms length is. Now, when its business, thats one thing. Lately it seems more personal. Now, if I was writing about my home from somewhere else... be a hell of a lot easier. I may have misplaced some passions. In latin, passion is emotions, feelings, or suffering. Com means with. So compassion means to share feelings or suffering. Em means in I think. Pathy means problem or infliction. Empathy... to be in someone's problem. Think too much? No, never. But empathy takes strength. A lot of it. It's tiring. That's why gratitude is important. I have to remember the good eggs. Even when they can't be there. So I'm spreading my trust. That seems to be the goal. Trust the community. Maybe without antagonizing. Maybe without scaring the kids. Because people can be good individually. Just not when they get too close. Sometimes. But the past doesnt have to repeat. But I don't like being threatened or lied to. Maybe a good six quiet months. 🤫 I'll just consider myself in adult time out.

If I can find the place between "protecting" people and "throwing people under the bus" I'll let y'all know.

Personality Changes

I think getting older requires personality changes. And I'm not a great auditory communicator. But I don't want to inspire negativity. Some people are very private. And I've been there. Others are more open. Which is risky. Being open can be dangerous. But holding it in is dangerous too. The Psychiatrists wanted a study. But the hospitals don't seem good at that. Between that and the state and Federal money that helped pay for some of my care, I thought a more public study might be better. Not like a case study. Just people getting to know the real me. The Declozariled me. It's been traumatic. So it's hard to share me without sharing the trauma. But not sharing trauma is a good idea. So I need to avoid talking medical. Or too much Psychology. Clozaril does numb people out like crazy. It's SO STRONG. Systemic changes to the brain, re-regulating everything. Overrides human nature. Overrides conscience. 

Some of my accounts follow the wrong things. I'm cleaning out. 

I need to file taxes, see dentist, eye doctor, ent. Doctors. Oy. 

Maybe this is all about a hardening. A desensitization. Being numb like at the right times and places. So I can say the right things atthe right times. Do the right things at the right times.

It gets dark. My life has been fairly dark.

SC Hospitals

Dear SC,

    I've been fairly vocal on the hospitals. I'm hoping not to see them again soon. Maybe we got to know each other too well. Boundaries are important. People make mistakes. It's because I care that I write. Truly great people do not need too much attention. They find ways to balance the giving and the taking. There's been some back and forth, I'm sure we both said things we did not mean. I'm certain my team is taking good care of me. I do hate clozaril, but it's not used much. 

    However, I don't want this swept under the rug. I want real change. I do know that MIP has tried. If the hospitals can focus on those boundaries, some positivity and teamwork, and being diligent about abuse and what they teach, then South Carolina will be better for it. 

    Teaching men that they are dangerous is not wise. Teaching them that one medication is the end all and be all for their life is not wise. Teaching men that they can be gentle and sensitive and still be men, that they can do non gender conforming tasks and still be men is wise. Teaching women to be direct and assertive is wise. Diagnosing men and women based on gender seems unwise. I'm not sure why the difference between genders and different dx's. I think it goes far beyond what the Bible teaches. I don't see the point in shipping people out of state for mental health reasons. 

    What I say and do seems to upset some person or another on a regular basis and I can only point to my teachers. Mild Autism, mild ADHD, mild CAPD, and cPTSD/DID can't possibly be that upsetting to so many people. Some people go their entire lives with no mental health dx's. I've been micro analyzed and pushed hard. I'm not so smart or so strong as to be everything. In some ways MIP did a lot to try to stop that, even long ago. If I'm fond of specific people, it's because I know them. I don't collect people. 

    Sometimes people get too comfortable. That's what they call unhealthy relationships or codependence or enmeshment. I see that now. But we got here together. But I do have protective instincts of my own. So, I hope that the community learns tolerance for myself and the people I associate with. I like this place. I'm running out of energy to keep up. 

I hope my job is done. I'm tired of warning this state about clozapine, minipress, Bipolar and toxic masculinity. I hope people are listening. I don't like rocking the boat too much. I'm trying to help. If we can be AWARE or MINDFUL or CLEAR, that would be great.

The latest thing the Psychiatrist's are into is Whateverism. It's "I don't care whats wrong just make it stop ". Oh really? That's very astute. Yet I'm the faking criminal mastermind. Because they screwed up and don't want to admit it.

I'm trying to understand why Hospitals lie to patients and play games. It's Dangerous.

Rotation

 So some of the things I'm suggesting for hospitals are appropriate for individuals. Rotating people in your life helps to keep it fresh and growth oriented.

I'm not actually anti-science. I just want responsible science with accuracy. And not teaching people BS about chemical imbalances. Some people really do have bipolar. Whatever i have, its not what I was led to believe it was.

My conscience has been heavy. I don't like knowing what I know about my county and my life. I want my life to be different. I'm waiting for my lawyer to get back. He's going to help me move in the right direction with my name. Social Security and I don't get along. I have to change one more time.