The reality is that I was trying to be the perfect son and I failed. The reality is that we didn't know then what we do now about DID. The reality is that this can't be about vengeance. The reality is that I need to make something positive of this. But with better boundaries that do not include my family or the hospital system choosing my providers for me. Better boundaries that do not include drawing people into my business or allowing them to do as they please.
Strength is about forgiveness and self-reliance, not blame and dependence.
Vengeance is not strength. Forgiveness is strength. I need to forgive. I can't forget, though. I have to remember in order to make sure I don't repeat the past.
I cant keep going back to the hospital. I'm legit worried what they might do. I need to see beyond. I need to decrease the darkness. I need to understand what I CAN do. I keep fading out. And its wearing on people. I need to understand better. I'm getting too focused on the dark. This is getting confusing.
The hospital needs to try harder to coordinate care. They didn't even try.
I feel like I need to set more realistic expectations. Remind people that whatever you call what I have, with the number of hospitals I've been to, there's something seriously wrong. They just don't agree on what it is. Some call it cPTSD, others DID, some insist that they don't believe in either and they want to call it bipolar. But whatever you do or do not call it, it's a serious problem.
I keep trying to think that people want to help. But most of them just want to bury it. They find it amusing at first, kinda novel, then they hate it and want to bury it.
Now I'm no longer Prichard's demon, I'm my families' demon. The one they couldn't fix. There's simply not enough metaphors for this.
They say the definition of insanity (or is it stupidity?) is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I keep going to the hospital expecting different results. It doesn't make sense.
I can't blame my families. I have to do this independently. Not rely on the hospital so much. Give them some breathing room.
They did such a good job the time before last. I have to hold that in my memory. Try to keep it fresh. I have to hold onto the good. They worked so hard. Elle was amazing. She always looked out for me. I have to remember the good eggs. There's so many good eggs. I have to remember them. But I can't rely on them too much.
Still berry frustrated, but Spidey try see di lighter side...
SPIDEY DUDENT KNEAD TO PROVE ENNYTING TO DI HOSPITALS! Spidey's a berry nice arachnid. Bedder be nice to Spidey.
I don't know what people think. I don't know exactly how they think my brain or my body works. I know I've spent a lot of time in hospitals. If institutionalization still existed, my life would be a case study. If you think I'm a carefree, party person, think again. That's not who I am. I did try. Multiple careers. Bad communication. I tend to collect jackals. The ones that feed on vigilante justice. I've learned to keep my distance.
Spidey like di tulips. Berry nice. Ebbyday Spidey tink, dis will be di day! Di day dat my stwuggle is obber! ... den Spidey's back. Did Elle talk to ebbyone?? Spidey liked Kenzie. Berry nice. Dey say dis is a long-term ting. No magical fixes, dey tell Spidey. Spidey get caught up in di details.
Hugz!
Spidey
I think that teaching people that they are dangerous is a mistake. I'm not actually dangerous. I'm just angry and I have problems with attention and some hallucinations. I think focusing on one member of a family as "broken" and as the "troublemaker" is a mistake. Such actions feed flames. Where is the humility and forgiveness? Why do we worship at the altar of legalized drugs?
I think I'm getting lost trying to understand this on my own. I think I'm stuck. I think there are other people that are part of the problem. And you can't cure half a disease. But maybe someone is reading this. Someone who can cure the other parts. Or at least keep them out of my life. I'm just having trouble focusing on real life. One person can only understand so much about the healthcare system. There's too many moving parts.
It's too bad you weren't there. I don't know what they have told you. I don't know what you believe. But they are filling my head with hatred and bullshit. Maybe they think I deserve it. Maybe they think they are teaching me a "lesson". I think the hospital is failing. Badly. Missing the whole damn point.
Hatred does not heal a person. Threats and drugs do not heal a person. Lying does not heal a person. Missing the whole damn point. I'm getting lost here. I wish you had been there. I wish I would have recognized Small but I don't think I wanted to. I did not want to be back in that hospital. Now they want me to try again. Again. This is beyond ridiculous. I used to feel safe there. And you would watch over me. Now I have trouble staying present. Fading out. I hate the fading out. I don't know what they are doing. You always had a better way.
I think threatening each other with legal action is not the way to go. Demonizing me, making me afraid of my meds, not the way to go. Shipping me to other hospitals or states, not the way to go. Fix your damn problems. Stop teaching bullshit. Then I won't have to be the one you couldn't fix. A failure on the part of the student is a failure of the teacher.
Talk some sense into them.
Ashes
Tuesday, June 17, 2025
Molly says Spidey kneads less anger before he hab his black widow. Maybe she'll be a nurse. or a doctor. Or a... writer. or a teacher. Maybe a dance instructor.
Occasionally I need to remind myself of purpose, because experience has taught me that I cannot always rely on others to do so. I'm trying to help. Help myself. Help others. Interdependent decisions. Not destruction. Real, actual help.
I have to remind myself that a lot of lives were saved at that hospital. I guess it makes people sad. To see someone fall. And Angry. I can understand that. But I struggle to understand the desire to bury what happened on Woodruff road. I struggle to understand a life supporting my families when they want to demonize me when I didn't write those prescriptions.
I do want those records. I want to know how many times that man deliberately and recklessly ignored safety guidelines around prescriptions. If you're complaining to YOUR OWN PATIENTS that the state is coming after you for your drugs, exactly who are we helping by burying his actions? Who? Everyone but me? Really? Is it safe to let doctors bury this shit? I don't think so.
I think I have to remind myself that I was supporting some people who were doing some good. And they say there's the memory problems and the cognitive problems. I need to be ok with ok. That's what I need to do. I just want them to observe a few days. See if the medicine that the outpatient started is doing what it needs to do. And not monkey around too much. Because we did so well the time before.
I hope the hospital keeps in mind the old saying "Garbage in, Garbage out". If you teach me garbage, then you create garbage out in the community. If you give me garbage, like excessive paperwork or nicotine gum that I did not ask for and is useless to me or garbage referrals that do no good, then you create garbage in the community when I throw it out. I only need so much garbage to get rid of.
What I need is help with my executive skills. That's what I NEED right now. Not bullshit opinions or harassment. If they hadn't gone apeshit and made such a fucking mess of last time, maybe this time wouldn't be necessary. Anyways, the insurance went to catastrophic coverage so... there's that. I can't help others unless I can help myself. And I'm trying to help myself. I just don't think I'm getting the right support.
I hope I can trust the hospital. I hope we won't get caught up in threats and garbage referrals to various places. I need to address this brain fog. I just want an opinion. The last hospitalization was a clusterfuck. I think we can do better.
It's just weird trying to walk a line trying to please family and community and professionals and I'm really not that important I just need to quietly address a few symptoms. Maybe we can have more open communication and not be looking at each other as if from separate defensive positions. I do hope and pray.
I feel like staring off into space isn't really helpful. I must be crazy for going back there. Maybe they can do like a once-a-week IOP. I just don't see myself be able to go there more than once a week.
