One of You

    I like Dr. Small. She works with Arson. If I have to go back, put me with Small. She listens. I did work at crisisline. I was one of you. It's hard to care. I've been so focused on understanding all this history and labels and meds. There's still hope. let me be what I can be.

Ritalin (Adult warning)

    Ritalin is one of the many stimulants I've been prescribed. It can increase focus tremendously. Side effects include loss of appetite (and loss of weight), nausea, anger, and apparently suicidal fantasies. It was after having some frustration with brain fog/dissociation that i took one, flew into a flight of anger and started picturing buying a gun, going to MIP, and putting a bullet in my head in front of north wing. Blackbox warning.

Prismally Speaking

     I feel I have to keep this blog going. I feel like I've been wearing on my families and on my counselor by not giving everyone the same story at the same time. And I want everyone to feel safe and to not push too hard. I need to stay focused. We didn't know as much about Autism or DID in the 90s. Nevermind the ADHD or the CAPD. Those are minor. I need to focus on managing the biggest problems. I need to focus on not scaring people or being inconsistent, though that may be a challenge. 

    I hope there is still hope for me to find someone. That's why I need to focus on this. That's why I need to be transparent and deliberate. Because otherwise we're looking at prison or lawsuits or abrupt endings. Or a combination. 

    Anyways. I need to stay focused. I love to listen to the birds in the mornings. I need to work on myself some more. I need to not be impulsive or spend or use excessive medication. I need to avoid blaming or avoiding responsibility. This is not fun and games and I need to remind myself of that from time to time. If I'm ever going to be with someone. I need to be realistic. Molly and Coffee are working on getting in touch. I'm counting on my friends. My healthcare friends. So that I can find someone and have that happy ending. 

    I know Arson. I know why he's angry. He sees me as throwing this away. And he's right. I can't do that. So, I need to focus. I need to not waste resources. I need to be serious. And I'll need to keep reminding myself. I have responsibilities. This is really taking most of my focus, but accounting is the day job. I've been working on applying for other jobs and getting my house a little more in order. But I've been a little discouraged. It's been harder to focus on the fiction writing with so much reality coming up. 

    I need to be careful what I say. When the anger comes into focus, I can scare people. 

Games

     I can't play games with this. I have DID. Not Bipolar. It's as serious as cancer. Hopefully not as deadly. I need to be very careful not to push too hard, be dishonest, or misuse prescription medication. I need to remember there are no magical solutions. This is a long term thing. 

    I get pains in my liver area and on the left side of my chest. I don't report every single symptom I have because there's not much the internist can do with so many symptoms that make so little sense. And I'm afraid of doctors. I failed to show up for the internist and for the stomach doctor. Because I know the medical staff is uneasy around me. And perhaps they have reason to. 

    I need to be honest. Or this could end badly. And I don't want it to all be about me. There are other people that need help. And the kids need a turn. But I reopened accountec and I'm going to try to go out more. I need to use my earplugs, so that I don't hear too much. Mostly the sensations are in my head. But my stomach, heart, and liver are the next biggest areas, then the bladder. Feet have improved a lot. the right foot still is slightly less functional then the left. I just need to not get overconfident. I can't afford to wear people out. 

    Today we're playing pickleball. It will be a nice day. I like people. I need to go easy on them. 

Worry and Working Together

    I need to be careful. I've been scaring people again. Thinking about the time I bought the gun and being angry about March's hospitalization yielded bad results. I had a bad fantasy. I need to be careful about telling people about these fantasies. They scare people. I like people. I really do. I care about them. I can't scare them anymore. It wears on them. 

    I need to stay away from the prescription drug excesses. And I need to get rid of that ritalin. I never gave it back. I have a chance to have a life. But I need to stay away from excessive medication and bad psychiatry. Because I like people. Sometimes I get into denial after so much mixed-up reality. I want this to be a happy story. I want MIP to be glad. Glad that we made it. But my energy is low. My body gives me the impression, from the various tingling and headaches and lack of sleep and pain and nauseas and etc that it has limited capacity for stress. I can't push it too hard. 

    This can't be about lawsuits and guns. That's not the way. It's so not the way. That's not how people heal. They wonder why I need a counselor. They spread rumors about what I do with her. What I think about her. I need a counselor because of bad psychiatry. But I'm pushing people too hard. That much has become obvious. I can't afford to push them too hard. They don't understand DID in the slightest. That's the impression I get. But I haven't been great at explaining. I've been learning too. 

    I'm just worried what I might say around people. Because I'm still angry. I like people. I wish I had the energy to do more. I don't. I really don't. I'm tired almost all the time. I need to try to exercise some and get more sleep. I need to be EXTREMELY careful about stress. I'm worried that I scare the nursing staff. The other staff seems to resent me. They think I'm playing games with this DID thing. I was told Arson married Elle. It's no wonder they find me triggering. They've had intense experiences with me. Very intense. She says Arson doesn't understand. She's right. He doesn't. 

    Some people are in denial. Sometimes they reach for magical solutions like psilocybin or other drugs. I believe the potential for healing is limited. I believe the body and the mind have limited capacity. I hope they understand that I can only do so much. They wanted me to advocate, they just don't like me advocating for DID, they wanted it to be bipolar. They wanted to be right. They were wrong. But we still have a chance. If we work together. But we can't wear each other out. Their denial gives me false hope. I cannot afford false hope. I need to focus on the basics of self-care. I can still have a life. I know they want to believe I'm lying. That this is all bullshit. Unfortunately, those beliefs are dangerous. We have to work together. Unfortunately, DID is a very serious illness. I can't afford fantasies. I can't afford to believe in magical solutions. Every time I buy into it, my body pays for it. But I'm going to have to be 100% honest and go very slow. Keep it simple. Keep it simple. I do like people. I don't like to scare them. 

    The fantasy was about buying another gun and ... ending it as it started. At MIP. The place that the magic maker was born. Where I met him. I was going to show him the results of bad psychiatry. But this needs to be a story of hope. Not of abrupt endings. So, we're not going down that road. We agreed on that. But if I push too hard... I get unstable. We can't go down that road. This is literally as serious as cancer. It's time we all wake up to that fact. Myself included. 

God Bless

 I'd like to end today by reminding everyone of the dangers of bad psychiatry and bullshit cbt. I'd like to encourage everyone else who has been affected to seek thier own counseling, and i think at some point someone is going to have to look at mip and Woodruff road for other survivors of bad psychiatry. 

Thank you for Viewing

Anyways, I think that concludes the self discovery portion. I have a history of misinterpretation, overmedication, and I don't actually have bipolar. Thats been a point of contention. I'd like to thank my oldest sister. I'm not actually dangerous but I prefer to not have my healthcare manipulated or to attract too much attention. If I don't say anything, you can assume that I simply have no comment. I have my limits. 2 comas. I need to focus on a quiet life, finding my partner. I'm used to inspiring confidence. Thats not been the case lately.

"Behavioral Health Centers"

    I'm not exactly smart enough to outsmart 3 psychiatric hospitals, so HOPEFULLY, my counselor is right, that I don't actually have to teach my families about everything. I certainly don't want to teach them about everything. The impression that I get is that they are learning. Because I certainly have no interest in anyone running my healthcare or in being a professional patient. I just get tired of getting hit and the uncertainty and bad communication. Not all of it is me. I certainly have no interest in repeating the past.

    I've been a little grouchy. But again, my healthcare has been a little... crazy.  So hopefully, someone other then me is figuring out something about my families that will grease some wheels with some of the people that my rough edges are bumping against. Things such as "Bipolar really is bullshit"... we should be kind AND honest AND not manipulative. Direct. To the point. And not waste my time or give my team extra work. Draw out the process. I'm pretty sure they have the drugs covered. Sleep could be better. But the drug part seems pretty well worked out. With any luck, maybe drop one more. 

ADHD

     ADHD was my first. I have the dreamy subtype, mild. Other people, they have the hyperactive subtype and are much more active than I am. It was originally thought to be almost exclusively male and something that was grown out of. Now we know that those are both false conclusions, though it's more common in males.

    There's plenty of resources on the subject, so I won't go into much detail. One of the lesser understood symptoms (per my experience) is Mult focusing: focusing on multiple tasks at once, such as watching tv while working or listening to the radio while working. Sometimes, having stimulation in the background, particularly if you also have CAPD (central auditory processing disorder, which is highly comorbid), actually helps you to focus better rather than more poorly. 

Mood Stabilizers

    These I saw the least benefit from personally, but they include lamictal, lithium, valproate, Topamax, I think Trileptal and others. I was on almost all of them excluding Topamax.

Amantadine

    This one was kinda loopy. Prescribed for brain trauma or cognitive impairment. Boosts dopamine. Can make you hyperfocus like crazy. Everything becomes interesting. Similar to mirapex. Can affect addictive behavior as well. It's all groovy. 

Rytr

 I found this ai to help me a little with editing. It has generation and summarization, but it's better at tweaking something prewritten. It's called Rytr. 

Stubborn

I think the hospital wants to heal the families, but they don't understand the full problem, so they get frustrated, blame me, blame my counselor, and try to slam shut the whole process. But im stubborn. And I won't let them do that. Damn stubborn. Two comas. Still here. Damn stubborn.

What Spidey tink.

Spidey gonna be doing bedder. Spidey hab new team. Molly in charge. Spidey make it up to de udders layder.

They may not like me very much, but I'm getting what I need. Tired of this. And yes, I care about these people. I do. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying so hard to be nice when I'm obviously not doing well. I'm broke, im alone, a lot of people are pissed. I'm tired of it. I'm in charge of my healthcare now. I'm not having anyone get in my way about getting what I need.