sick

    My family and the hospital are not being realistic about the nature and severity of my mental illness, and that is a huge concern. They believe I am more functional than I actually am and that the difference can be attributed to THC, which is false. This worries me because if I need help, they will treat the wrong problem with the wrong solutions and I won't get the help I need, and I feel that I'm likely to need help, given the debilitating nature of DID. Mental Health has many myths, this is one I was not aware of. 

    It makes me very nervous around family and hospital staff, because I don't know what to expect. Sometimes it takes me a while to recover from an encounter. The stress exhausts me and sometimes makes me physically sick. 

Polyvagal and hospitals

I really do believe that rather then trying to force confessions out of people regarding sexuality or drugs, the hospital could cut the bullshit threats and learn and apply polyvagal theory better. I'm not an addict, I'm not a criminal, and they are full of shit for implying so.

What i worry about...

Is what happens the next time I need help? Everyone needs help now and then. Do I lose the house nexttime? Do we go legal? What happens nexttime? That's why I need to manage my stress, keep plenty of personal space. Because there's bulls in the China shops. They don't care about facts, they care about narratives. They think im out here having fun and thats the story they will tell. Nevermind the truth. This is why I cant talk to some people. It's thier narrative.

Guilt

    Guilt is ever present in today's society. Because shame is a way that society enacts control, guilt is a holiday thing, it is a duty thing, it is a thing of accusations and recriminations. It is the relative that keeps asking no matter how many times you say no. It is the friend who lays everything on you. It is the inverse of duty, it is the failure to meet obligations imposed, whether rightfully or not. 

Headaches

 To me, the weirdest part is the strange headaches I get. It feels like different parts of my skull want to come off. Last night I only got four hours of sleep. I cant get myself to sleep enough. I worry about the future. Especially when it seems like the hospital does not have my best interest at heart. 

Conversation is hard. I don't feel like I can be myself with people. after every conversation, I feel like I think of five different ways I could have said something else. At times I feel betrayed.

Like the hospital was never working for me. And they seem more interested in burying it, then understanding what the real problem is. 

Psychociation

 Dear Joe,

    I've been having problems with Psychociation. It starts with playing along. Before long I feel physically sick, I have outbursts, anger, sadness, fear. I keep getting stuck. It's hard to know where the future goes. Especially when the hospital looks for every explanation but the actual explanation. Especially when they don't work for me. 

    But we have good talks. Not that I remember us ever saying a ton, but sometimes fewer words is better. The world can be a strange place, and sometimes people are resistant to different ideas. I try to see beyond and then I get swept in the bullshit. it's frustrating. Before I know it I'm playing along again, and I don't realize until I start having the mood swings, outbursts, and start getting desperate. Disoriented. I wonder if you're met Elle. I'd imagine so. 

    What I wonder is, can you see, or are you as blind as the rest? But I honestly don't judge people very well... not as well as I thought. I hope we're going down the right road, because I worry about the future. The old guard, it may not matter much to them, but I could still have a life. I still have time. I need to break my patterns. I need to meet new people and put the past away... all of it. 

    I get caught up in believing, and I'm running out of energy for that. It's wearing on me. I need to meet someone, pursue my dreams of writing and living life more fully. I think that requires time alone. Luckily, I still have people I can rely on. I just don't have the stamina to play games anymore. I need to stop trying. 

    Maybe you play sports. Mine was soccer, primarily. I need to buy another soccer ball. Someone stole mine. I hope I can count on you. Those people you work with, be careful what you believe. It will warp your mind.

Ashes

Anxiety remedies

    I'm working on leaving the house more often and understanding people better. Not so much why they do what they do, but why they feel the way they feel. My most common emotions are anger and fear. It used to be sadness, but that's gotten better. The anxiety is definitely the worse of the two. Sometimes I have positive emotions. Happiness, love, amusement, connection. 

    Fear, sadness, and anger seem like a triad. They lock together like armor, impenetrable. I got to the point I was taking so much inositol that my digestion was disrupted. The chamomile lavender tea is better. Holy Basil tea tastes pretty bad, but it calms incredibly. Ashwagandha tastes a little better but doesn't seem quite as effective for me. I'm trying to use the five senses more, as well as l-theanine and Atarax.

Decoupling

 

    The hospital fundamentally misunderstands what need. I need to feel safe in being myself. To not feel threatened. Be able to speak honestly. Prichards didn't get it either. You get beaten down, you need to be able to speak. To be heard. But if their intention was to discourage me from coming back, they succeeded.

    They're learning all the wrong lessons. Clueless. And I could have told them so. If they had truly been listening. They were smart to get me out of there ASAP. I support that decision. Anyways, the insurance only pays 10 days. Waste of money. Clusterfuck. But, I got what I needed the time before. I'll just forget last time happened. It was just a dream.

Flyleaf

 

    This is uplifting. I'm getting tax refunds and setting up business accounts to manage DUD and Accountec. I'm celebrating with one of my favorite songs.

Healing

    Whatever your conclusions, I think it's obvious that the hospital missed the boat this time around. Maybe we can call it even. If the ER had just been honest with me... next time, Bon Secours. Give them a break. Hopefully, I'm in the healing phase.

Favorites

 

One of my all time favorite songs.

Why Support DarknessUntilDawn?

     This site costs time and money to maintain. Furthermore, it is the project of a disabled person trying to make a living. Just by reading this site, you can support that effort, support upstate healthcare, support my writing, and support my health and wellbeing. 

    This site is not meant to be the perfect cheerleader. Just as the hospital was hard on me, I have to be hard on them at times. Life is not perfect. It is not pretty. By making readers aware of the REALISTIC picture of upstate health, we can improve it. We can improve conditions and health, we can promote resources, but don't expect me to fluff it up. That wouldn't be fair to anyone. The hospital system is a big organization, they can take criticism, they cannot abide silence. Silence perpetuates dysfunction. 

    Please continue to visit this site, think of it what you will, and it will display a minimum of ads to cover costs of operation and hopefully offset my living costs, because currently I'm in the hole. I do not own my home, car, or live with financial security. I do not live above the poverty line. That is why I am depending on people to visit this site and read. I'm not even asking for contributions, just keep reading. I'll try to keep it interesting. 

The highway

    Working on anger is work. Shutting down is surrender. Agreement is not always ideal. We get so used to yes men that we forget what healthy debate is like. I grew up with people that brooked no dissent. Thier way or the highway. Now I have anger issues, disability, helplessness, shutting down, regret... sometimes my way or the highway means that its time to leave. 

    People that are never satisfied, with very high or moving standards, are not people to keep in your life. I've known more then a few. 

Coregulation

Some people do not understand coregulation. Emotions are like germs. They are contagious. Sadness to sadness, anger to anger.

    I remember this story.  This guy in Japan on a subway, encounters a drunk lashing out in anger. Like elle to me, he treats the drunk like a dear lost friend. And so the anger melts away. 

    I remember Kenzie. She just laughed and laughed and laughed. Instead of being confrontational and threatening, she laughed with warmth and empathy. I did not need to be perfect with her. Perhaps the hospital ran out of patience. But a lack of patience can be dangerous. It was an ugly end. They always find something wrong with me, instead of finding the right. That is thier mistake. People are not robots to be fixed. Sometimes one has to walk away. Like Elle did. Better to walk away then lash out in anger. Regret is a harsh teacher.

With Respect

For Elle:

    Frustration can be an animal of its own. I walked beside you for years. I had the same thoughts, same feelings, for years. Now they know, and it is as if I am someone else. When it was me all along. Where do you go when I'm on looking? Maybe to the sky. I'm here on the earth. 

    I remember this med student. Ex med student. He came in for me to do his taxes. Had a story to tell. He had been starting his residency. One little fight, the residency was cancelled, his career was over. I am not an angel, I never was. But I walked with you, and you never came to harm. Maybe that last day, I scared you. Did it never occur to you that I defended you too? Sure, you didn't need me, but there were times. I know you had fear sometimes. I could see it when things got rough. When violence broke out, the fear in your eyes. I stood ready. 

    Some days I have to be a wall. A wall shows no emotion. A wall is steady. If words matter so little, then why are mine of such consequence? Why do I need to be so damn perfect? Strangest ideas come from strange places, and hospitals can be bizarre. I have anger, for sure, but let's not get caught up in details. I'm not worthy of half the attention I get. So I give them my words, to satiate their lust for my attention. Some people like to be needed. But I tire of the back and forth. 

    You were kind to me, I remember that always. There's only so much I can pay that forward, I would rather pay it back. Pay it back by recognizing all you did. But I'm not going to honor the false idols. I will not sit down and shut up for them. I will hold my anger. I need my anger. It reminds me of the things I cannot do. I hope you understand.

Eddie.