Memory Exercise (Per Clarity Learning Center, 2019)

Repeat after me:

Ashes and Dust's memory is IMPAIRED. He can REMEMBER. He may not be able to RECALL.

Repeat that 63 times and then reconsider being demanding of me.

If you still have the desire to be aggressive towards me, consult a psychologist and then a priest. 

The Mental

   I don't know what goes on in people's heads. Now I'm just bitter. Before I was idealistic. Things change. People change. Sometimes there's no going back. I am past the point of no return. Anyone who wants to be in my life must respect my personal space and beliefs or you will not like the result. In short, don't mess with me. I'm tired of repeating myself. 

    Internalized Anger. That was 1997. It's 2025. It seems the anger is still there. Dont play with fire. You will get burned. Just leave me be. I am far beyond caring what your interpretations of my problems with my families are. I need to move on. That means leaving some people behind. Expecting people to change is like expecting the Red Sea to part. Only God does that. The truth is, sometimes life is just that: dark. I've actually written a lot more then I have posted but in the process of dealing with life changes much of it was lost. I can't actually change what I write every time someone doesn't like it. I'd never write anything that way.

IRL

I like playing with my cat. I want to spend more time with my guitar in private. I have a few things to sell. Please don't ask about my past or my family. I have more then a few ghosts. I like art. I like Spanish and French, though I'm not familiar with speaking French. I'm very much into technology. I don't actually like talking about myself. I lean towards European sports. I admire humility. I'm rather sick of being pushed around. I like to read. Ive spent so much time litigating my health that it has consumed me. I like cool weather and rain. I like animals. My skills are mostly academic. God grant me the peace to show up in public again, the patience to learn again, and the wisdom to bite my tongue. Grant psychiatrists the humility they so desperately need and the wisdom to shut their mouths.

Amen. 🙏 

Multiple Professionals Disorder

    When you have too many people giving you advice, it's very much like garbage in, garbage out. Too much noise on the line. There's been a lot of BS coming my way. So, congratulations, you get what you pay for. But it's making me angry. I'm trying to have a sense of humor about this. Otherwise, it's radio silence for now. 

    Never mind established research, let's circle the wagons and BS away. Never mind other professionals' standardized testing, let's be verbally abusive in a hospital setting. Find someone to blame, people.

    Honestly, what I'm engaging in could more accurately be called journalism then advocacy. But I'm trying to help. The health care workers are frustrated. Families are frustrated. I've been thinking about lawsuits. It needs to stop. There's not a hole to bury me in yet. So maybe back off angry. Just a little. Show some respect for the team. You think this is easy? You're dreaming.

People

    There was a time when I thought I had some understanding of people. I did love psychology. I'm so tired of trying to understand people. I write these words hoping someone might find some comfort in knowing that someone else out there struggles. When we're all just walking around, it's not so clear. Sometimes people say the strangest things. 

    Now I avoid people. It's gotten too difficult. I keep getting pushback. I don't understand the program. Then they get angry that I don't get it. As if I'm trying to obstruct. I'm just breathing, folks. Waiting for y'all to figure out what you want. I'll still be here when you do. Just make sure to keep it simple. Don't make me run around, waste my energy and my time. I've done that enough. I just don't get it. 

    Now it's like shooting in the dark, tired of getting hit. Sometimes hospitals try too hard. They try to accomplish too much in too little time, then get mad when it doesn't work out. Kinda like a fools rush in thing. I'm still trying to figure so many people out, and they're tired of trying to understand my lack of understanding. I've had many people like me. Now it seems hard to do. 

Cocky

    Some people are cocky. They like to tear other people down. I met a few in the hospital. It was sad. See, in life, we are meant to pay attention to what we are trying to do, not to tearing other people down. Some people miss that one. They can't resist. It's like their crack cocaine, tearing other people down. Me, I try to reserve it for people that need to be deflated a little. People that are presuming. And I try to use it sparingly, because I'm more used to the opposite. At Crisisline, my first priority was following protocol. But I was there to help people. To listen. And if they kept me around for 3.5 years, I must have been good at it. I'm just having trouble enjoying things. No need to get smart or threaten. I don't have as much energy as I used to. I have to save it for taking care of myself. Maybe I got a little off track on the advocating. Such a strange word. I went in a few different directions. I don't understand what's going on. Some days, it's like walking through traffic blindfolded. Some people are pushing me forward. Others are frantic that I'm going the wrong way. It's gotten to the point that I don't like being around people anymore. And that's sad. I've been getting mixed messaging from people. And a lot of pushing. And I don't get it. Not sure which direction this is going. But I'm very tired. The fewer suggestions, the better. Less opportunities for making mistakes that way. Sometimes I just like listening to the tone of voice, and not the content. Especially with young men. Men can be the very worst know it alls. There was one prick in the hospital. I wanted to work him up. A young punk. Extremely obnoxious. I've met a few like that. It's not very impressive.

Bury Ashes

I wonder why people say some things. It seems sadistic, some things people say. Yeah, I've gotten death threats. A few. It's a strange place to live sometimes. In a strange time. So might as well let everyone know exactly where to find me. Because if I end up dead at this point, they'll know right where to look. So, there is no danger. No one would be that stupid. It's just depressing people feel the need to make death threats.

Funny

    Someone said something funny the other day. She said its good to see someone thriving. Somehow I'm not sure what she meant. This seems slightly short of thriving. I don't understand doctors. I've got a sinking feeling. I feel like I'm seeing only the dark. I'm not even sure why. I liked myself much better before I knew what I know now. World's going in wierd directions. I'm not sure exactly what these people are trying to accomplish. Maybe I should write more fantasy. Realism seems over-rated. It's gotten too dark.         All I know is that i need to change directions. I really don't understand these doctors. Or the hospitals. Makes no sense. 

    The other funny thing is the lies people tell. The doctors will say one lie, the patients a different lie, BUT THEY BOTH LIE. And then they point fingers. Makes no sense. I don't get these people.