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Wednesday, June 4, 2025

Clozastill



Interesting that they don't warn you about all the dangers of what might happen if you have to d/c clozapine. They warn you about the ridiculous side effects but not how dangerous it is to have to DC the stuff. The list of complications is ridiculous. Shit ain't kosher. Waste of resources.

Diagnosis

Get a diagnosis, they said. Having a name for the problems helps, they said... $*%#.

Waiting

Hanging in the corner
From a silky thread
by the light of windows
with pen and paper spread

The dragonfly, it hovers,
In the room just down the hall
busy are the bees
from the comb the honey falls

And so, the bear creeps lowly
sniffing at the air
sneaking in so softly
to tackle what is there

He's bigger than the dragonfly
Though hungry, he is strong
He plots to steal some honey
Because right is never wrong

Unfortunately for bear (though spider plays along)
When they come in number, bees can be quite strong
Soon the door comes open, and queen bee has a friend
Blue bee joins the hive, in the room down at the end

To make bear's matters worse
another bee pops out
soon the first door opens
and bees are all about

Spider, do a favor...
Distract the dragonfly.

Drained





    This has been a draining experience. It's gone in the strangest directions. Trying times must come to an end. You know, when this all started, people seemed to find it interesting, almost like a thrill. It's not actually that strange of a concept. People forget that everyone plays different roles, takes different perspectives from time to time. The truth can appear different from person to person. I was reminded of the Trinity. Even God has parts... Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I started some self-exploration, and it got too interesting for everyone. Medication can be truly frightening as well. I wanted people to know the real me. It got out of hand.
    South Carolina is angry enough. Let me go see about Massachusetts... maybe they're bored... I hear Samoa is nice my time of crazy...

Angry

I can see why people are angry. Angry because I've changed. Angry because they were wrong about me. Angry because they worked hard, and it didn't work out. Trauma is like that. It's difficult. But there's no sense in jumping to conclusions. Just because you fear me does not mean that I am worthy of fear. Or anger. I'm still me. Just differently. Getting older makes me realize that my energy is limited. But it seems like my perception is also limited. I used to feel like I knew the world and myself, but I had a small world. I was in a rut. Now I strive to get traction again. I'm doing what's right for me. In time, wounds can heal. Anyways. If Elle or Leaves ever need anything, they better let me know. Not that I have much to give, but sometimes I have to make exceptions for good people. I owe a few debts. I think we could all use some peace. 

Ok

    I am indeed ok. I'm not very functional. I still get Angry. But they adjusted the medicine. So I'm living independently.  Sinuses have been super bad. Sleep is poor. I definitely have low mental presence. Not terrible. But low. To me, it resembles a mild dementia. A cognitive impairment. One that does not seem to respond to medication. I need to be careful. Sometimes I say the wrong thing. I feel like people sometimes are surprised by what I say.
    The team says that boundaries are important and that other people might need their own trauma counselors. Because people have feelings. I do feel that I look stronger than I am. It's not that I enjoy being gone. But I feel like its better that I don't affect people too much. 
    Sometimes what I miss is talking about something other than me. I can't figure these people out. They act like I'm the devious one. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2025

Red



Jess,

    I want you to know that I never lied to you. I heard what you said too. And I appreciated you trusting me. I never wanted to hurt you or frighten you or bring you down. You did not err in trusting me. 
    You said I had to make my own decisions, and I have. I'm glad you liked the poem. I had a few things to work on. Some anger to put down. Don't run away too fast. You did so well. Remember. Remember the good things.
    Strength comes in strange forms. Please thank Kenzie and Elle. I needed them, and they were there. I needed to learn the things the men didn't teach me. Now I know better. Remember.

Ashes

Knowing

Knowledge in the chaos Vortex
Rippling through like waves
Turning up the power brings
reverberating rage

Stepping back, the echoes fade
As knowledge builds my power
Whisperings of the doings past
Returning hour by hour

Whither from, the echo calls
And whence will it return?
'Cross the lonely path of which
Is leading us astern. 

Walking back and running forward
an agent of the chaos
Looking for an aiding ally
We're bearing up our cross.

So, what is it that we know now
And whither shall it lead us?
Can we find another way
Before the demons bleed us?

Past Reflections