Fiction

There's been some things coming up that are fairly intense. I'm trying to refocus away from certain people and situations. Because people are finding my memories, feelings, and expressions stressful. I was not intending to be PG, but I was not intending to be NC-17 either. But I can remember extremely disturbing things. And I like South Carolina. I've met a lot of nice people. I was not intending to write horror stories or thrillers. And I was mentioning DID to make it less scary sounding. Not the opposite. It doesn't have to be that way. It can really be more like some dysregulation, memory issues, and communication issues. Bipolar as far as I've experienced does not have to be awful either. But again, I'm not a doctor and have no desire to be one. No one controls me. I'm not some mind controlling sinister presence. I'm not completely mindless either. It's been nice and quiet though. The cats doing well. I like Mauldin.

Stubborn

MIP may or may not have made key mistakes. I'm not sure what they were trying to accomplish. I don't they knew either. But one employee said to another "We need to break this relationship [with counselor]".

Whatever they intended, saying that caught my ear. I have acute hearing at times. Yeah I hear a lot of what y'all say. But Arson didn't seem to understand DID. Maybe he didn't realize that the overlap of medical complex trauma and DID is important. Maybe MIP didn't understand that Seroquel simply brings it down for a bit. Ativan too. Maybe they didn't understand that bipolar makes little sense. Maybe they didn't understand the importance of my particular boundaries. I don't even know who said that. I think she was a tech. Maybe a nurse. If you break trust, that makes things take longer. And you have to run in 5,000 different employees saying all sorts of goobledy gook and try reaching for all sorts of DX's. The hispanic one and the quiet male helped. 

But the ER hadn't particularly inspired trust. Maybe the Spravato went awry. And mentioning Elle's name wasn't helpful. Or City Center. Or the other safe places. Stockholm Syndrome. Safe places. I'm not a criminal mastermind. But I know safety. 

But if you have any understanding of that, even without understanding helpers and protectors and gatekeepers, you can understand the rest. 

Otherwise, you might get locked out.

I wouldn't get all in a twist. Maybe a little less psychosis/bipolar/paranoia bullshit and just not scare people or fuck with them. You know? I'm assuming you thought I was going to harm someone I mentioned or at one of these safe places. IMA was safe. Not sure I mentioned that one. Maybe just let people make their own choices and not antagonize them or scare them. Maybe I can do that too. If you don't make me talk too much, sometimes I don't need to. Understand AS/trauma a little better. That just may be a win. CCTP. Stockholm Syndrome. Autism Spectrum. Medical Complex Trauma. 

Some people are good in combination. Others are not.

Some people understand me better than others. I can mirror you and you can mirror me or we can lock each other out. Y'all love those locked doors. I got locks too.

People talk, I get it. But I'm not exactly sure what you think you were accomplishing with the AA group and the gay thing. I really don't need you to help me understand my substance use or my sexuality. I don't understand the patients modeling dysfunctional behavior. That was fucked up. Really twisted. Nail polish in the end is a substance of itself. It can be removed easily. The right person with the right words can calm someone down. The food was very hard to eat. very hard to eat. It makes no sense. Mainly because you stressed me out and because you made such a humongous deal of the diet that you healthcare people taught me. Go ahead. Lecture and then don't follow your own advice. Makes no sense. I don't understand hospitals. You're making more work for the low levels when you don't follow common sense and your own education. Or misuse drugs or get all high and mighty about a positive THC screen. It makes no sense. You're making people paranoid with this shit, then you drug them and release them into the wild. It frustrates me. Give me something digestible, don't fuck with me, and give me a few people with the right words. Maybe a soccer ball. It's not that hard. Maybe some more natural lighting on the inside. Like the therapeutic lights. Fewer buzzers and more natural sounds like birds or whatever. I don't understand you people. The hospital used to be better in some ways. People seemed to know how to talk better. But agitating and provoking someone in a high stress environment in close quarters is all kinds of stupid. Talking to Prichards and Arson wasn't so bad. Dolyart didn't say much. Groans... I don't remember other then pushing her. I liked Sharon. She had a sharp eye. She was a social worker. They can be very perceptive. I met with three. That was the most helpful part. Gullet barely spoke. McClinton was very detailed. But Seroquel is not a long term solution. I don't believe in those drugs. I think Clozaril is a clusterfuck. A total clusterfuck. Creating vegetables. That the techs and nurses can water and monitor until harvest season. Hopefully I'm not spoiled yet. 

Switching

People get hung up on switching. Myself included. I don't actually change from one person to another. I don't have extreme or complex plans. I'm not a criminal mastermind. I'm observant. It's more like a republic. 8 parts. Not all are present at one time. But decisions are made kind of like majority rule. There's a President. The members vote. If they are absent, they abstain. If no decision is made, we generally follow past precedent. But within rules. Like laws. Like the Bible. It doesn't mean that I always know what to do or say. Sometimes I feel torn. Between sides. 

If there has been a major switch, it's away from doctors and towards lower-level people. Doctors haven't worked out so good. Maybe that's why Arson can't find one to work with me. I don't like them so much. I don't know if the hospitals are going to lock me out or I'm going to lock them out but we're getting sick of each other. Govt insurance, overmedicalization. Too much time together. Need to see other people. 

Anyways, I need to work on my domestic labor skills. Maybe dig out that drain in the backyard. Stop obsessing over things I can't control. Past experiences and different careers. Practice that Guitar. All those mind my own business skills. 180 tax returns. ugh. You'd think I'd have filed my own on time. tricky with different types of income but if I get the paper forms instead of the stupid software, maybe I can do the 1099-QA or whatever its called. The tax softwares get picky with rare forms. 

Maybe doctors can find a different obsession. 

Globalization

 

I got frustrated. A little paranoid. I wasn't planning on talking like conspiracy radio. I've been in the medical system too much. It gets in my head. The pills. It seemed like people were on different sides. I wanted to help South Carolina. Maybe declaring myself federal property is a bit extreme. I'm trying to stay in the middle. But I've been excited to be joined by people from places like Netherlands, Singapore, Lithuania, Japan, Canada, UK, Germany, France, China, Russia, etc. Italy hasn't taken much of an interest. But I got into Iran. Indonesia. See I'm traveling the world right now... I've been to Alaska and Central America, but never Africa or South America (as I recall... I may REMEMBER differently). Oh I'm in Australia. Always wanted to go there. Japan too. I wanted to go there. I think Africa and India might be on my list. I did get some Indians. Not many. 

Just one small thing on politics. I'm a little frustrated with the chaos at the executive level and the gridlock at the legislative level. I'm not well versed with local politics. Maybe I can tamp down the dark and the disturbing a little. Maybe I can engage in slightly less combative verbalization. I get frustrated. And my voice wears out pretty quick.

Fluville

Some things are totally creepy. We could stop talking but no we'd never do that. I don't understand this thing with medication. I met a Brittany the other day. The fence really does look nice. I wonder what it's made of. I'm thinking Pine. Why do people hide soccer balls. I'm gonna have to speak to Paytlin about that. Some people just don't like soccer. Doctors, they just can't stay away from me. Always something to analyze. Poor Small. She didn't like getting yelled at. Then she suddenly has the flu. Sudden illnesses can be like that. Stress induced. I've had a few. You know, it's nice not living in hospitals. Funny they wanted me to go to the Phoenix Center. Almost like they thought of the Phoenix. The creature that rises from the Ashes. Strange where people get ideas. Then, they don't like an idea, it's time to force medicate. Such a strange society. The lower part of the state is where those Murdochs were from. Those people scare me. But I like Charlotte. It's a nice city. It had that growth spurt. Now this city is following behind it. Social workers talk a lot less then doctors. It's like talking to Safe Harbor. My right foot is doing that thing again. slightly numb and tingling. Curls a little bit. I don't actually like hospitals that much. But if people get hostile, might as well shut down and disappear in my mind. Then everyone can just stand around and argue about what is or isn't wrong. Waste a whole lotta time. I hope y'all had fun. Next time we should maybe throw some prescriptions in the shredder. Make some confetti. We can have a party right there in the ER. Maybe Arson will come. He has a good sense of humor. We can tell jokes. Start a few catheters. Or maybe we'll all go down to MIP. We can dig out that grassy area. Hose in some water. I've always wanted to try mud wrestling. We can put that Carolina Drugs song on the bluetooth. Me vs Arson. The Nursing staff can place wagers. We'll have us a grand old time. 

I used to have more energy. But I think I could take Arson. But seriously, that place creeps me out. My internist reminds me of a childhood friend. That's why I picked her. I'd rather trust a Nurse Practitioner then an MD. Y'all are too script happy. Then you like to D/C what other doctors do. Now I've got Ritalin lying around and somehow that's my fault. I'm not the one who wrote the orders. Then you'll blame me for having drugs lying around. Very much like Prichards. Sure, blame the patient. Go ahead. Leaves is listening. They say I'm the one playing mind games. Some people just don't know when to quit. If you want to improve mental health, stop being so drug happy, stop insulting people, stop threatening people, stop blaming them. It works both ways. Some people make too much damn money prescribing drugs. It really pisses people off. I don't understand the medical system. 

You know, in Patch Adams, the guy does get better. I remember the bathtub of Spaghetti. Mental health shouldn't be so hard. If you stop operating hospitals like prisons you'd have much less to worry about. But no, we have to hyper analyze. drug it up. Fuck with people's minds. Y'all make no sense. 

Spidey likes di trees. Dey good for a crawl. Maybe if I end up there again, I'll just climb a tree. I tried that at spring brook. They didn't like the fence story. One of the staff wanted to shut it down. She smiles at me and talks about chasing me down and tackling me. I looked her up and down and thought to myself... Yeah I don't think you'd have much luck. But I wrote a poem for her too. Only she got pissed off and wouldn't take it. I was gonna have them keep it for the staff like MIP. It was this one here: Flow

See I'm a little tired of going to hospitals and Counseling Offices and writing poems for the workers. It's happened a few times. If I didn't need to be so damned perfect, then there wouldn't be so many pills, so many inpatients, so many analyses...

Y'all are funny though. Really. Say hi to Elle. Stockholm Syndrome. Look it up. She was never afraid of me. I think she understand what was happening. South Carolina maybe gets a little too drug happy, a little too perfection oriented. I'm so glad I firewalled my healthcare. The techs and nurses get pissed off doing BPs and EKGs when they come out just fine. Oh wait, another test to run... what will they think of next? Let's all just do this so much that our own bodies give us the heeby jeebies. 

Funny CCBH didn't want me to leave feedback. They said they would throw it out. They said a lot of bullshit. Fucking pricks. It's sad. So I guess now this website is my feedback survey. Generally, while in the hospital, I try to be fair with surveys. Those can affect performance reviews. On the outside, I can say what I want and they can't find a scape goat so much. Unless, of course, they do it CCBH style. Then things get messy. Then a whole hospital gets fucked. Then the insurance refuses to pay. Then they come after the patient. Which they were threatening to do even when the patient was in there. Some people have loose mouths. One Nurse warned them. They didn't listen. I like Nurses. It was over 50,000$. They were so fixated on making me perfect and force medicating. So they lost $$50,000 dollars and some employees. It doesn't make sense. No, let's just threaten and agitate. Bipolarize. Psychociate. Drug it up. Fuck our own damn selves in the process. And they say I don't make sense. The insurance paid for a couple blood tests. A few hundred dollars. Sometimes stupid is just stupid. I can get up on a soapbox too. Leaves knew what was going on. She tried to stop this. I've got to return that ritalin. I just don't know if it helps. United States spends a shitload on healthcare. Malacheck had a magnetic personality. Then they magnetized me to be just like him. They even tuned my magnets to play along. Medical Complex Trauma. You diagnosed it. This is the result. 

Coffee and I we don't say much. We don't actually have to. So long as he is my psychiatrist, they can't get creative with the drugs. Clozaluiah! Spidey needs to go for a crawl... tink about life choices. Hospitals are not actually churches. Drugs are not actually incense. DSMs are not actually Bibles. Y'all should sing more. Maybe you'd need less drugs.

Yeah that childhood friend of mine? The one the Internist reminds me of? Her name was Brannon. I asked her to keep an eye on me. I was told she works in Public Health. We gotta help each other. Our healthcare is becoming Psychotic. It hallucinates problems. It has thoughts of hurting itself and others. Sometimes it likes to take people to the dungeon. Where it keeps its machines. The ECTs, the rTMSes... Then they think it's funny. Or they get pissed off. They call me the mad scientist. I was taught by the best and brightest of the East Coast. From GA to MA. This is the result. Being so mentally scrambled you can't keep your damn head straight, you can't work, and then it's permanent disability. Yay team. 

Back off, Angry. Hospitals should be more like sesame street. Now they hate my guts. They can't quit. They are addicted to patients. They have a patient use problem. Let's just run the whole state like a Prison. Sounds like Prison to me. I could have been a little simpler. I swear to God it was police first. I actually did try to join the Army. Rangers. The recruiter was excited about it. Family shut that down too. Families can shut things down sometimes. They're not perfect. So later it was history teacher, then because they kept analyzing me it was Psychology and maybe teaching it but then maybe clinical to stop these people and then maybe I/O psychology to make organizations like hospitals work better. Family didn't like those ideas. They like doctors. I've met a few. dozen. maybe hundreds. I don't know how many. So then I had been taking business classes because of the I/O idea... that was after Tech and the business courses and history courses and the criminal justice courses (somethings never die)... So I managed to convince the Clemson Accounting Masters program to let me in. Damned persistent. I'm rather DRIVEN to distractions. But I don't know if that's a biology thing. So then I chose Tax because audit seemed... hard to manage the grey lines... I don't like finance... it reminds me of greed. So I started working in tax. I loved my customers. All sorts. then I applied to the FBI at some point. Forensic Accountant. So I guess I figured, I'm sick of the medical, I'm not dangerous or planning any criminal activitiy, I've been demonized and people won't leave me alone... why not reach out to the FBI... they can do the colonoscopies as often as necessary... till people fuck off.

Today I'm spending time with a friend, doing some organizing and cleaning. We're having a pizza. Hospital employees are not actually my family, it's just the name on the building thing. They can't get enough of me. I could have been simple. Cop. Teacher. Whatever. Now I'm Complex Medical trauma, medically complex, did, adhd, AS... the list never ends. And now they hate me. Because this is what they created. A not so psychotic pissed off guy. Who occasionally does Mrs. Doubtfire and aggravates the library. I need to return that book. I got pretty good at Mrs. Doubtfire. Pissed people off. Maybe a little too creative. But I'd better not Psychociate. It gets too interesting. Then the gatekeeper has to lock people out. I do hear sirens in my mind on occasion. But no, I'm not law enforcement. I'm not a lawyer. I worked in tax/IT/retail/Psychology(volunteering). 

Now they like to talk about "my women". Well, if you male doctors would drop the damn Rx pads, I wouldn't need my women. The Elles, Leaves, Mollys, Social workers, NPs, RNs, stuff like that. And I damn for sure wouldn't need FBI or local police. I wouldn't have these flashbacks and hallucinations about SWAT teams and guns and shit like that. You get what you paid for. My women appreciate the chaos I'm sure. They've mentioned a time or two. Brannon was very helpful before.

So hopefully South Carolina Mental Health Community and Healthcare community are filtering in the messages. My women prefer me to stay home and not overmedicalized, I'm a little strange, I annoy people with Mrs. Doubtfires, I'm not actually dangerous, I'm not a criminal mastermind (just observant), I'm not actually law enforcement but I'm not afraid of them either, I don't actually like going to hospitals, I can be cryptic, I can do a lot of mindfulness stuff like in the ER, I do have hallucinations and flashbacks, I'm slowing down, I'm not sure if I can keep up with the high paced tax offices, I can be good with words, I have no idea what my PA or internist thinks but I do know some things filter back, I never wanted to be a doctor (TRUTH), I know a lot of doctors, memory is good but recall bad, I'm not actually interested in dating within hospitals or stalking healthcare workers, I have a bit of Stockholm Syndrome and certain people are my main safe zones, I have trouble working with some men and some women have trouble working with me. I do have MIP pretty much memorized. But I hear they're building that new place. Please don't invite me. I don't want to see y'all's new place. I wonder how Springbrook is doing. It was kinda pretty. They had a spider on the window with a web. Squirrels on the bird feeder. That building used to be a school. It shows. I enjoyed doing yoga. You know MIP had that salsa class. I dance better when less stressed. 

Spidey go do a pew tings. Laundry to fold. Hallways to declutter. Friends to visit. I need to volunteer less... patient or otherwise.

Hospital Conflict

I'm just tired of conflict and I can't go back to the past. So. Y'all do what you need to do. The name is on the the chart though. I get it. I changed it at one point. People got really ugly about it. So just forget it. Use my legal name. Cut the bullshit. You do that and I'll call it even. I don't really get it. Y'all don't get me. Call it even. Outpatient knows how to help. Personally I miss artstick but, unfortunately... she's gone. Anyways. I'm with Coffee now.

Not everyone is going to like me and I can't like everyone. Just don't dehumanize me or insult or attack my professionals. Or I'll be taking that up the chain. As high as it needs to go.

And I'm going to be much more careful about what I express. This is totally creepy. Did I mention inpatient was an ethical cesspool? OK not everyone. Not the the resident, the observers, or most of the nurses. The patients and some staff. Just some really wierd shit yall teach these people about how to behave. Toxic nonsense. I need to stop advocating because its not going the right way. I thought it would increase sensitivity. That it would help. I think I overestimated myself. I'm not actually Robin Williams.  I just liked the guy. Anyways. I need to do some thinking. That inpatient and er visit was a real shit show, but yall can't read my mind so... I'm not not angry about that. Yes I'm still angry a bit about the 90s. About the old guard. But that was a long time ago. And autism wasn't well known then. I need to focus on something more constructive. I've got some friends to hang out with, writing to do. Some cleaning. The home stuff. Maybe I'll tone down the DID talk. Seems to freak people out its really not that different from ptsd. Anyways, my dxs are reduced. Congratulations. Maybe not exactly what you were hoping for but can't win them all. Oh psychiatry... such a strange art.

Ethics Cesspool

I get so frustrated and there is anger and fear but I cannot go back to the numbness. I can only hope that the intensity continues to fade, that I can keep my more paranoid instincts in check. Because it truly is not a matter of substances or medications but past experience. There is no drug for that. Only growth. 

The fact is that the gun and the prescriptions and the more dangerous behavior are in the past. The past doesnt actually have to repeat. Pretending it does only frightens people. 

I'm not that same person. I've moved farther. But I'm not actually showing that to people. And until I do they will remain angry and afraid like me. I have to put down my stones. I have to show empty hands. And then we can trust. I've done that before. With some people, I can do it again. Others I have to let go.

The hospital has not been helpful recently, but i can't throw stones. I can't expect them to understand and I don't actually need them to understand. I have the outpatient, and they understand better. I'm going to need to rely on the people who can help. Otherwise we are just tearing each other to pieces.

I stand by my statement that MIP was an ethical cesspool last time I visited, and staff should have taken corrective action. Regardless, I'm moving on. I'm just disappointed in these people.

Beginning Again

I've gotten a little too lost in the past couple weeks. There were some realities about my community and myself that were abrasive. I'm not the only one who can be hard to handle. There were people who thought I was very strong. Some of them now see weakness. Others see strength that they did not see before but I'm definitely much different. Much more complex. Less robotic. Deeper. I'm glad. But it disappoints me to see how confused and afraid people are. Because I am indeed still me. They don't understand. They find it very frightening. I was numbed out by those drugs, and it gave me a very strong and masculine appearance but a simple-minded lack of depth. While they seem to revel in my insight, they fear what they perceive as weakness, paranoia, and destabilization. At times I've been graphic or abrupt. And me seeing thier fear and hostility has not inspired confidence for me either. 

I need to turn a page. Not with my immediate family. We need to be apart. But with everyone else. Friends, more distant relations, professionals, and the community. I can't keep this intensity so visible. It's not helping. I'm not sure how much I can change at once. I think I know where to start, however. 

Any Day Now...

If anyone still thinks this is funny or not criminal, YOU ARE NOT PAYING ATTENTION. Records. Tests. Drugs. Doctors. Centers. Hospitals. Not just two states. SC, MA, and yes, GA. Einstein in Atlanta. And he did try to say something. No one was listening. I was I think 19 then. This is Human Trafficking, Drug Trafficking, Human experimentation, and abuse, with reckless endangerment at a minimum. On someone who was a minor, then a drugged minor, then a drugged adult. That's what this is. They tell me that there are other victims. They tell me it's not all about me. So what happens next? I can't be the one to decide. It needs to be a federal Judge. I firmly believe that. Someone needs to look at all this evidence, question the witnesses, find any other victims of this system, and hold people accountable. I firmly believe that. 100%. I cannot be the one to decide what happens. Federal money was used. Across state lines. I worked in tax. There's a shit load of laws in question. Someone needs to decide. A judge. What should be done. Not me. I'm trusting my treatment team and the Federal authorities to do something about this. They have the evidence. They have been in communication. They need to act.

Ethics

So they were too happy studying me and scribing drugs and making money and having fun analyzing me... PRISMO... GREENVILLE PSYCHIATROPY... Assmussen... MCCLEAN... any one of them could have identified the trauma disorder, right from the initial 1996 at MIP. They could have stopped it a LOOOOONG time ago. But no. They love their DSMs and their drugs. They love wasting public money on this shit. PERMANENT DISABILITY. Oh it makes all the sense in the world. Independence? Ethics? Red flags? Ooooooh noooo...... we don't worry about that stuff. We want medical perfection. Drugs out the wazzooo.... our ECTs, our VNSes, our rTMSes... Anmed was alarmed when they caught on... but that took a while... Spring brook was alarmed... Lost and Rigged was alarmed. The other places were not. So yeah, an interstate human experiment. On me. Why not. Only a few comas. Not a big deal. Trauma? Noooooooooo, it couldn't be trauma. Lawsuit? Nooooooooooo never grounds to sue.... not on this... Criminal? never. I tend to disagree. I thought Girl Interrupted was dark. Then I started to wake up. Black as night. And you wonder why I have nightmares. Oh sure he's faking. It's all bullshit. Nevermind all the records and the tests they ran. Decades worth. No, we'd prefer the money and lack of responsibility. It's his fault. He was in charge of his care. He wrote the scripts. He did the ECT. He installed the VNS. He did the rTMS. It was all him. Nope, no responsibility for anyone else. He's the criminal mastermind. He fooled us all. He's that fucking smart. Bullshit. I'm not that smart. I am NOT that smart. Fucking pricks. No let's Bipolarize. Let's whateverize. Let's ignore all the evidence and common sense to the contrary. Let's bounce the pain across states. Let's make this a federal mess. Not just SC. And then you wonder why I report myself to the FBI. Hmmmmm... I'm not the only pissed off one. Waste of public money. Medical system run amuck. On someone who was too drugged to make it stop. How is that not criminal? Tell me, how is this not criminal? ACROSS STATE LINES. LACK OF INDEPENDENCE. MINOR. DRUG TRIALS. FUDGED NUMBERS. DOSES FAR IN EXCESS OF GUIDELINES. COCKTAILS OF DRUGS. Oh no it's his fault. He's the criminal mastermind. He fooled us all. We had nothing to do with it. Ashes? oh let's bury him. Find a hole. Just drug him up, CCBH style. Then find a hole and bury him. Wipe the memory clean with ECT. Took a five foot tall women to call bullshit on you guys. I bet you hate her guts. Almost as much as you hate mine. So yeah, I'm not the only angry one. 

Ptsd

Did is really very similar to ptsd. I only talk about it because its slightly different and because it shouldn't have to be that scary. They're all just labels for problems. That's all the dsm is. Descriptions of problems. It's not a movie. Im not a criminal mastermind im just angry. Like someone with ptsd. Extremely angry. But people around me don't get it. They can't drive that point through their thick skulls. They're fucking know it alls. Always will be. They say im the delusional one. But everyone has delusions. Even doctors. God complexes. Fucking pricks. So superior. Then its all be nice to the people helping you. Fuck you. I helped yall too. So be fucking nice to me. And drop the attitude. Stop the superiority. Step down off your pedestal. Narcissists. The dsm works both ways. All interpretation. 

Fear

I seriously wouldn't be in counseling if I was trying to be dangerous. I seriously could have hurt people a long time ago if I wanted that. Just because I'm 5'11, 200-250 pounds, and still somewhat athletic doesnt not make me dangerous. Just ask the small women. Like molly. Or Elle. Or leaves. They never got a scratch. I pushed a doctor once. 26 years ago. Not exactly a history of violence. But they fear me. Because of the labels, the way I talk. Because of the gun i bought when prichards went crazy with minipress. I hope he retired. He needs to.

Intensity

This is too intense. But they tell me I can't just go around it or put it away. I have to work through it. I think my history proves that. I think my history also proves that it doesnt happen quickly or easily. But there has to be more. But if I can't get the anger down, I can't get more. They say some things are permanent. That there's no fix, no drug. No easy answer, just work. That i might have a relationship eventually. That i won't have a normal life. Career. More then one professional saying that. And I've had them disagree on different things, but some things they agree on. That I'm angry. For one.

 There are literally doctors and LPCs that won't let me quit. They say there are victims. These people are working around me. They don't tell me everything. I don't know what to do. I'm not law enforcement or a lawyer. They won't let me contact a lawyer. They talked to the FBI. So what do i do?

Nightmares

I do have nightmares. Day and night. Molly says that I'm not the only one. And I misunderstood. I misunderstood who the other ones were. EVERYONE AROUND ME. That's why this has to go to court. This has to go to rest. IRREVOCABLE HARM. TO EVERYONE AROUND ME. That's why they call this PTSD. Because we have nightmares about pills and guns and the people involved. That's why Prichards will see me in court. I have to get my anger below a 7. I have to maintain my body. Until that day I see that man in court. There are people that got me here. I know they want to see this end. And it will. This doesn't last forever. It just takes time and space. I use the calm app. I keep it on during the night. The music is so soothing. I think the sleep apnea was actually asthma that was covered up by the drugs. THE HOUSE WAS FULL OF PILLS PRICHARDS. YOUR DRUGS. Yeah I'm angry. How do you think the others feel? You think they like this? I don't think they do. I think they lose sleep too. That's why this has to go to court. IRREVOCABLE HARM. And I'll get there. Maybe Leaves and Elle will come. Maybe the others will get to see it end. 

No I don't blame Springbrook. They knew it was insane. I don't blame the ERs or the ICUs. In my mind, there are primarily two men responsible, and one is dead. One is still alive. They called him the magic maker. People sang his praises, including me. I've not had contact since 2020. I have no desire to go anywhere near there. That place is more haunted then any place I can think of. The house was full of pills. You couldn't walk around without finding a pill. All sorts. on and off label. Dosages from low to way outside the guidelines. Seroquel as high as 1000 mg. Minipress. It was over ten at least. Outside guidelines. Mirapex. Way outside guidelines. gabapentin. Outside guidelines. Multiple medications at once. When I say Supermedicated. When I say dangerous. When I say drug trafficking. I am. DEAD. SERIOUS. 38 calibur dead serious. 911 dead serious. This shit doesn't go away.

And I do have responsibilities. I have to keep South Carolina safe from dirty doctors. Timmons and the governor and the board are helping me do that. One of them is dead. I'm not worried about MA. I'm worried about SC. I need to keep it safe. I have my purpose. You can call that my religion. There's just one man that needs to be afraid. I'm pretty sure he knows the cleaning crew is coming. And if the FBI is aware, then SC doesn't need to be afraid. Only one man needs to be afraid. Time to retire. Then I can go back to what we would call normal life. The going out in public and the normal stuff. But I need that anger down. If there's a "Fix" for me, it's seeing this through. I'm not sure exactly how long it will take or the hows. But I'm pretty damn sure it doesn't involve any more pills then I currently take. I don't need more magic. 

I did not have the dx's to justify so many meds or the dosages or combinations. It was not safe. Or the medical board would not have talked to the governor. I'm not supposed to talk about that. But it's hard not to. These people have gotten me here. I have a job to do. KEEP THIS COUNTY SAFE. So no, I'm not afraid of the police. I have no reason to be. As unpopular as some of the LEGAL substances I sometimes take are, I 100% believe they are far safer then the dosages and combinations I was on. But I'm being watched by plenty of people. So if that changes. They'll know. The hallucinations and the paranoia, it comes for a reason. BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TERRIFIED. I HAVE BEEN DRUGGED. Ghosts of doctors in my head. Oh I know them well. I've known many. Conner was... actually a very disturbing individual to be around. You have to be. To walk around in a place like that. That was a long time ago. But I don't think we have to worry about MA so much. I think MA can worry about MA. This is SC. I'm worried about SC. And I'm going to keep it safe. Oh they made a demon of me. But I'm not the only one. The cleaning crew is working on it. You may think I deserve it. That somehow I earned it. But regardless, I'm ending it. And certain men who drive Mercedes purchased off of irresponsible and immoral behavior have reason to be concerned. Because the cleaning crew is coming. That nest of vipers better keep their insurance, take their vacation days. The lot of them. The clock is ticking. There are people watching that clock. I don't know how many. I'm pretty sure all of PRISMA is to some extent watching that clock. Because they don't want to get swept up. And they won't. I can't predict what will happen. But there's records out the wazzoo. There's enough experts aware in this state alone. When this goes to court, it will not be that hard. It will not be that messy. I was a bit confused. I'm still not totally clear. But the experts and the records can speak. If necessary, there are some witnesses that can speak. And we'll get this cleaned up.