My People

I feel like I'm trying to find my people. Some people have betrayed my trust and I have to keep them at arms length. Because it goes back to, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... it's over. Trying to determine how far an arms length is. Now, when its business, thats one thing. Lately it seems more personal. Now, if I was writing about my home from somewhere else... be a hell of a lot easier. I may have misplaced some passions. In latin, passion is emotions, feelings, or suffering. Com means with. So compassion means to share feelings or suffering. Em means in I think. Pathy means problem or infliction. Empathy... to be in someone's problem. Think too much? No, never. But empathy takes strength. A lot of it. It's tiring. That's why gratitude is important. I have to remember the good eggs. Even when they can't be there. So I'm spreading my trust. That seems to be the goal. Trust the community. Maybe without antagonizing. Maybe without scaring the kids. Because people can be good individually. Just not when they get too close. Sometimes. But the past doesnt have to repeat. But I don't like being threatened or lied to. Maybe a good six quiet months. 🤫 I'll just consider myself in adult time out.

If I can find the place between "protecting" people and "throwing people under the bus" I'll let y'all know.

Personality Changes

I think getting older requires personality changes. And I'm not a great auditory communicator. But I don't want to inspire negativity. Some people are very private. And I've been there. Others are more open. Which is risky. Being open can be dangerous. But holding it in is dangerous too. The Psychiatrists wanted a study. But the hospitals don't seem good at that. Between that and the state and Federal money that helped pay for some of my care, I thought a more public study might be better. Not like a case study. Just people getting to know the real me. The Declozariled me. It's been traumatic. So it's hard to share me without sharing the trauma. But not sharing trauma is a good idea. So I need to avoid talking medical. Or too much Psychology. Clozaril does numb people out like crazy. It's SO STRONG. Systemic changes to the brain, re-regulating everything. Overrides human nature. Overrides conscience. 

Some of my accounts follow the wrong things. I'm cleaning out. 

I need to file taxes, see dentist, eye doctor, ent. Doctors. Oy. 

Maybe this is all about a hardening. A desensitization. Being numb like at the right times and places. So I can say the right things atthe right times. Do the right things at the right times.

It gets dark. My life has been fairly dark.

SC Hospitals

Dear SC,

    I've been fairly vocal on the hospitals. I'm hoping not to see them again soon. Maybe we got to know each other too well. Boundaries are important. People make mistakes. It's because I care that I write. Truly great people do not need too much attention. They find ways to balance the giving and the taking. There's been some back and forth, I'm sure we both said things we did not mean. I'm certain my team is taking good care of me. I do hate clozaril, but it's not used much. 

    However, I don't want this swept under the rug. I want real change. I do know that MIP has tried. If the hospitals can focus on those boundaries, some positivity and teamwork, and being diligent about abuse and what they teach, then South Carolina will be better for it. 

    Teaching men that they are dangerous is not wise. Teaching them that one medication is the end all and be all for their life is not wise. Teaching men that they can be gentle and sensitive and still be men, that they can do non gender conforming tasks and still be men is wise. Teaching women to be direct and assertive is wise. Diagnosing men and women based on gender seems unwise. I'm not sure why the difference between genders and different dx's. I think it goes far beyond what the Bible teaches. I don't see the point in shipping people out of state for mental health reasons. 

    What I say and do seems to upset some person or another on a regular basis and I can only point to my teachers. Mild Autism, mild ADHD, mild CAPD, and cPTSD/DID can't possibly be that upsetting to so many people. Some people go their entire lives with no mental health dx's. I've been micro analyzed and pushed hard. I'm not so smart or so strong as to be everything. In some ways MIP did a lot to try to stop that, even long ago. If I'm fond of specific people, it's because I know them. I don't collect people. 

    Sometimes people get too comfortable. That's what they call unhealthy relationships or codependence or enmeshment. I see that now. But we got here together. But I do have protective instincts of my own. So, I hope that the community learns tolerance for myself and the people I associate with. I like this place. I'm running out of energy to keep up. 

I hope my job is done. I'm tired of warning this state about clozapine, minipress, Bipolar and toxic masculinity. I hope people are listening. I don't like rocking the boat too much. I'm trying to help. If we can be AWARE or MINDFUL or CLEAR, that would be great.

The latest thing the Psychiatrist's are into is Whateverism. It's "I don't care whats wrong just make it stop ". Oh really? That's very astute. Yet I'm the faking criminal mastermind. Because they screwed up and don't want to admit it.

I'm trying to understand why Hospitals lie to patients and play games. It's Dangerous.

Rotation

 So some of the things I'm suggesting for hospitals are appropriate for individuals. Rotating people in your life helps to keep it fresh and growth oriented.

I'm not actually anti-science. I just want responsible science with accuracy. And not teaching people BS about chemical imbalances. Some people really do have bipolar. Whatever i have, its not what I was led to believe it was.

My conscience has been heavy. I don't like knowing what I know about my county and my life. I want my life to be different. I'm waiting for my lawyer to get back. He's going to help me move in the right direction with my name. Social Security and I don't get along. I have to change one more time.

Blame

 

Snoozing on the job, are we? Well, what do you have to say for yourself? Well, yes, orange looks good on you. Well, no, we didn't actually run out of cat treats... clean it up now... 

Legalized Drugs

    So going back to the Drug War and medicalized perfectionism... In the 90s, thinking was a bit different. People were like Autism Spectrum? Asper-what? ADHme? Bipolar reorder? SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder? Schizo this and that? Dissociate? Psychosis? Red pill, blue pill? Adrenaline? 

    Maybe I am weird. I learned from the best. Y'all taught me something. Atlanta. Greenville. Charleston. Anderson. MA. Y'all taught me something, right? Maybe it's time to trust that you taught well. To stop hiding behind your locked doors. Maybe keeping people safe can happen out in the community. Maybe my brother isn't actually God. Nor my father. Just maybe. Maybe being the youngest doesn't automatically make me stupid or a fool. Maybe not quite a criminal mastermind either. Maybe having trouble going out in public doesn't make me an atheist. Maybe having DID doesn't make me a demon worshipper or a drug addict. Maybe we really did get into this together. I'm not sure what it is you all expect of me at this point, but you seem to have invested a good bit. Maybe I can do something with that. I do have to pick something eventually. I'm not that young. 

    I remember that psychiatric nurse that I tutored. She wanted to keep people out in the community. Things got bad during Covid. She wanted to open a community center. It's not a bad dream. So maybe I can help. In my own way. Only, I'm not going to WV. I'm staying here. 

    Still going back to the Patch Adams thing. Still you guys have the WRONG ideas. Still rather annoyed. Stuck up older people ordering others around doesn't impress people. I prefer the gentle touch. The Austen Riggs kind. The Patch Adams kind. The non-hateful, non-us-versus-them kind. 

    That doesn't mean I advocate for illegal drugs, or for the pharmaceutical machine you are so addicted to. That doesn't mean I want to DSMize you like you have me. It means I want it to fucking stop. IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE. Legalized insanity at work. I'm more than willing to let doctors hate me if it means that people in the community will not hate me. I'm more than willing to trade the greed and the status for some peace of mind. Being stuck up is not a virtue. Being controlling is NOT a virtue. Humility and forgiveness are virtues. And I'm reviewing my legal options as an independent adult. Regarding woodruff road and Clozana. And MIP. But while I do that as an independent adult, and before you start plotting the next hole to bury me in or the next way to evict me or the next state to ship me to, maybe consider alternatives. Maybe consider that WILLFULLY IGNORING established research because it does not fit into your way of life MAKES NO SENSE. 

    Maybe the NAZI lockstep isn't the greatest idea? Who exactly is the bad influence? The stuck-up pricks in white coats, or the people they control? Just some food for thought. It's not actually impressive when everyone can see through the emperor's clothes, you know. They can damn sure see through mine. Marching me around like some escaped convict because I don't buy the bullshit and I don't follow the program? Not smart, people. Not impressing anyone. 

    I just hope the state of South Carolina demonstrates some common sense towards me so I can do the same. I've tried multiple careers and dozen of prescriptions. I can't please everyone, that's for sure. I'm sticking to 1099s. You guys are nuts. 

    I do not believe in a chemical solution. But I don't believe in pushing the body too hard, either. Or being untrue to oneself. Or controlling others. So before I make this required reading statewide for healthcare professionals or start suing doctors, maybe y'all can back off the hyper-analyze and fix it cycles. We are not Nazis yet. Let's not go there. You can take your DSM and do what a friend once told me about the Bible. Cross reference. Debate. Then shut the fuck up and go home. I get to have emotions too. You helped build them. Congratulations. Fuck off. I am not your machine. 

De-Bipolarization, Ending the Gender Wars

    Science and religion have remarkably different views sometimes. I've known a lot of truly great people. I do know how to fight but I prefer to keep the peace. So if I don't speak you'll have to forgive me. If I don't visit or volunteer, you'll have to forgive me. I'm coming back down from anger. In my own way and time.

    Clozana has a way of submerging anger. Of greying the lines and the boundaries. But I am not a robot or zombie, nor inherently evil. You treat someone like an animal, that is what you will get. You treat them like a human being with independent thought and the potential for good will, you might just get that. Now the world can witness the effects of legalized drugs and miseducation. I hope Belmont is paying attention. Before I get to that lawyer point. Because it gets messy. And we got here together. Even the lawyers seem nervous. That says something. 

    Anyways, back to boundaries and one size definitely does not fit all. People are not products. We can't just standardize and duplicate. Genetics and human experience are not that malleable. Cuz we can bipolarize till the end of time. Winston Churchill. Robin Williams. Maybe they just tried too hard, took things too hard. Maybe they didn't understand their limits sometimes. But rather then have the FBI following me around looking up my ass and shooing off angry professionals, maybe we can all sit down and shut up a little. That would be nice. I really don't have time for anyone else's problems unless I'm being paid or on contract. I tried to help some people while helping myself. I'm not sure we're happy with the results. My head hurts. I've got people pulling me in different directions. "Me, Myself and Irene" and "What about Bob?" may seem funny and "Girl Interrupted" and "Split" may seem a bit demonic, but in truth DID is not a movie. It's rather serious like everything else in the real world. It's a name for a problem. For going in too many directions at the same time with no limits. Everything to everyone. Jack of all trades, master of none. A little too worldly. People do die. I'd like to die the non-violent and/or grief filled way. Let other people shine. It's their time. I've been charted plenty. 

    I'm getting older and my body is telling me that I have limits. My brain is telling me that it can't figure out all these freaking hospitals and these doctors. The lawyers seem as confused as I do. But I'm not sure what we're teaching these people with these drugs and cycling them through hospitals and prisons. I definitely, 100% believe in nutrition as a guide for mental health. I need to be careful what I put in my body. I also believe I need to be careful what I let into my mind. Don't believe everything you hear, they say. Look out for number one, they say. I've heard a few voices. The ones that aren't real are based on past experiences. Dressing up trauma as bipolar or psychosis is one of the oldest tricks in the book. It's been happening since the beginning of Psychiatry. Before that it was demons and mind control and conspiracies. Some Psychiatrists need some correction. Some Psychologists too. Maybe they learned, maybe they didn't. Atlanta tried to say no. Riggs was concerned. Belmont and Greenville weren't listening. IS ANYONE LISTENING OUT THERE? I hope so. My liver can only take so much. 

    People are not products. DO NOT MANUFACTURE ME. My expiration date is coming up eventually. I need rest. You know, Prichards did try to say something from time to time. Once, before Atlanta and MA. I remember that for sure. Too much experience. Drugs can't compensate. 

The Beauty of It

Ever since i filed those FBI reports the phone has barely whispered. I'm absolutely loving it. I don't know what they did or didn't do. That's the beauty of it. I don't actually have to know. Maybe they checked my devices for malicious code. I swear the damn thing never rings. I've never BEEN so unpopular. It's fantastic. Now, hopefully that printer gets here so I can file those taxes.

Social Media

I like Instagram. FB is useful. LinkedIn was... frustrating but I may try again. Tiktok is bizarre. Tiktok scares me in multiple ways. snapchat is the absolute worst save dating sites. I have not used YouTube for much more then how to type stuff. 

I like Instagram because I find more real world, cleaner stuff (with exceptions). It helps me keep up with whats really happening. For me, tiktok is like crypto or nuclear power or AI... use with extreme caution. 

The Doctor

Edward Ward was a hard man. His stubbornness had led him to a place that not many black men had arrived: the physician's staff of Memorial. His head was bald, his eyes deep, he had a hard skull. He was built like a Mason, but through long hour of study his flesh had contracted somewhat to a lean and wiry frame. He could see. He could complexity in natures. History can be denial so easily. Fear can be resentment in a heartbeat. He knew he had eyes on him, and why not? He didn't exactly fit in. His skin was dark, the color of ebony. But he trusted the system, despite evidence to the contrary he needed to believe. They ran around him, but not over him. They knew better.

He had paid his dues. Now he was assigned to the Psychiatry unit down by Memorial. He had lived for a while in a house off the motor mile. Then things got complicated. 

She had meant so much to him. They had been through highs and lows. Through so many surprises and setbacks. Helen. He had asked her to marry him. It seemed like that was when it went wrong. He tried to understand. He would have followed her. He liked his job, but it was her he had wanted. The job was what he got. The bottle followed. It helped him put things away. He liked Whiskey or Rum. Wasn't into the Wine or Beer thing. Straight for the good stuff. 

So, he took a little fall, one that did not go unnoticed. It took some jiggering. But he prioritized. After Helen, his job was everything. He walked out. She liked the place, so he let her keep it. Rented a room in a large house over by the park. It was quiet there. He had laid some change down for a 300i, and he liked to go for a long drive with a cigar lit. He would play Jazz on the stereo. 

It was time to make amends. It was time to turn the page. It was time to help someone else.

Dey nebber lissen...

Spidey di only brown recluse in South Carolina! All Spidey wanted was a Black Widow in di nest, a few flies in di web... but nooooo... dey wanted di perfect arachnid. Di venom isn't poisonous enuff! Di legs too long! Di eyes a liddle fuzzy... one day I'll meet di rite Widow... we'll laff, hab fun, maybe she'll eat me...

Nuitrition

Dearest Jenn,

    Such a pleasure to chat. Such witty humor. It's so nice to talk to people my age. They really get me. I like the way some people talk. The word choice. The tones. There's so much depth to some conversation. 

    Unfortunately, I like your ideas. So I might have to use them. I made some notes. 

    I particularly like the Arugula Berry Salad idea that you referenced from Natasha's kitchen, the avocado egg salad recipe looks intriguing. The Downshiftology and Nutritional Psychology websites look fascinating. I'll have to google some foods. 

    Such a strange thing when males are not allowed in the kitchen. I'm glad you can relate on the toxic male thing and an individual focused treatment approach.

    I loved K-. She was so great. It was draconian, what she taught me. The vegan type of stuff. But I really liked starting out with the really hard rules. I liked that she suggested it could be flexible. I liked that she treated me like family. It really helped. I was in a dark place then.

    I'm not good at trusting certain types of people. Autism Spectrum/PTSD hypersensitivity. I'm glad I've met some people that I can handle. 

Best,

Ashes and Dust

Happy about Something

The foot numbness is gone!! Now it hurts. The arch. Right foot. But this is good news! The headaches and the face pain also seem slightly better. I celebrated by buying a new hammer, replacing some toilet flappers, and picking out replacements for some damaged furniture from the Memorial Day Sale. A new recliner sofa, dark faux leather, and a new recliner, coffee colored. I'm going to have to throw out the futon. Unless anyone wants a futon with a broken leg? It's gonna rain again and I'll have to dig out my backyard drain... always clogs. Hopefully today I'll get some more cleaning done, review the recipes from the nutritionist, maybe exercise, write, and then tomorrow set up that printer so I can print out and mail taxes. 

Moral Imperative

I believe i have a moral obligation to warn people about woodruff road, CBT, Bipolar, drugs, and MIP... even McClean has actions to answer for. I need these answers before they sweep it under the rug or shut me up. I need answers. I have to keep people safe from these doctors. Cuz I know I was harmed. Who else was? How many people? Where does human engineering lead us?

Time to think...