Gabapentin

    Gabapentin is a drug that I have strong feelings about. That stuff can get pretty crazy. Disinhibits behavior like alcohol. I start doing all sorts of crazy stuff. This one is scary. Mostly used for seizures, but also for shingles and off label for anxiety. Long term use, especially at high doses, can (in my experience) lead to muscle spasms, phantom sensations, and a loss of awareness.

Benzodiazapines

    Benzos are classified as anti-anxiety medications, but they can be used for some other things like sleep, or I think as add ons for seizures or akathisia, for example. Some benzos are valium, tranxene, ativan, xanax, and klonopin. 

    These meds have become slightly less popular for a few different reasons. Firstly, they are addictive. Secondly, they decrease alertness. Thirdly, they have certain long-term effects, primarily in memory, attention, and overall cognitive functioning. These effects can be permanent, regardless of whether the drugs are stopped. Can you guess how many of those Benzos I have tried? of the ones listed above only, I have tried all but xanax. These things are dangerous. They change your perception. 

    The hippocampus encodes memories based on emotional intensity. When you're on a benzo, it calms you and everything is just groovy. Decreases the intensity. What will you remember? How well will you function on the drug, and once discontinued? It also slows down your learning. You adapt more slowly because it slows down the neural transmissions via the GABA system. Benzos truly are dangerous. 

    When they talk about substance abuse and addiction... I was on a lot of meds by prescription. My use of prescription meds was not safe. That's why I talk about the meds. It's important that I talk about the meds. How dangerous they are. It reminds me not to take them. I still keep ativan. But only for when I need to go near hospitals. I can't go near memorial without freaking out. I was never into opioids, thank God. But drugs like benzos, alpha blockers, gabapentin, mirapex, and perhaps amantadine... some of these drugs are quite dangerous. clozapine numbed me out, making me unaware of how I was affecting others and how my mind was adapting to the world. Without natural emotional response, I wasn't learning about the world.

Gender Differences in Healthcare

    I think some people are missing the point. I needed a different perspective from medically perfectionist liberalized medicine. I wasn't getting the perspective I needed. I needed someone to point out the insanity of what was going on. And I found those people. I found them in a black female doctor, a male PA, two female LPCs, and a female NP internist. 

    These people are giving me that different perspective. Maybe I could have found more white male practitioners who could give me that perspective. Maybe not. But what I know for sure is that this has to stop. I picked people that were not part of the club on purpose. The meds weren't working out. I was misled. They weren't helping me. Now I'm on different ones. I have to keep in the middle, wherever that path is exactly. The doctors will always try. They can't help themselves. They need something to fix. Like a bored auto mechanic. I need people to stop trying to fix me. It's really run amuck. I can't imagine what my healthcare has cost in total. I need to focus on de-medicalizing my mind, unlearning what I was taught. Medication is definitely dangerous. I'm not actually trying to antagonize people. But I was misled about medication. It's dangerous. I was misled about Bipolar. I was misled about CBT and how men can be healthy as men. 

Courage

    Courage isn't just facing pain or uncertainty. Courage does also involve knowing when to say no. And that would be easier, if I wasn't raised to be addicted to liberalized medicine. 

    Do I know what the perfect middle ground is? Most definitely not. I do not. But what I am certain of, looking at my history, is that I was misled about what medicine can do. My body is too tired. Medically complex has got to be the body's way of saying "I can't keep doing this. I've got to slow it down. It's wearing me out." I've not been realistic. Whatever is or isn't wrong with me, I can't do the hospitals. God willing, I'll do whatever I can do, and I'll die peacefully. God willing, the world will back off angry so angry can back off too. 

    What I truly need is no more medicalized perfection and some privacy. Because to me this is Munchhausen's by proxy or something close to it. It's stressing me out. I need privacy. Medical complex trauma. You diagnosed it. It needs to stop. I know the doctors will find me. 

    I've got to focus on maintaining boundaries, minding my own business... accounting in limited amounts, and writing. Hopefully, Public Health is paying attention. To keep the kids safe from overmedicalization. Because I don't actually want to hurt myself or others, and the doctors weren't helping me. They're wasting public funding with this nonsense. Miseducated and misled. It has to stop. I need privacy and peace and quiet. That's what I need.