Changes in Attention

I used to get bored more often. I do still get bored. I think i used to get bored more because of the chemical numbing, youth, and to a lesser extent genetics. It's just wierd to me the way the world is changing. Politics has become so odd. I think the increase of technology and communication make information spread more quickly, and that contributes to polarization and chaos, along with gridlock. It's impossible to be a moderate when you instantly get very detailed and high volume feedback. Technology puts everything and everyone under a microscope. And I actually like people. I dont understand the micro examination of others. Pushing people too hard or being overly critical decreases stability and increases danger. Silence can be deafening but noise can be agitating. The idea of studying someone to death is particularly bizarre. Then you wonder why they get pissed off. Maybe autism is simply a function of increased education, urbanization, and increased technology. Maybe it simply means people are still evolving. Maybe adhd simply means the brain gets overworked. 

More on Switching

 We have to take turns. Especially in letting younger people have a chance to experience life. When People try to draw me out it worries me. I'm not actually a Satan Worshiper. People just scare me sometimes.

I don't think it's healthy for people to be afraid to go out in public. Regardless of their appearance. Yet in the pharmacy, at the grocery store, at fast food, at the library, I attract eyes and ears, and I get comments. I know people get to have feelings, and I do understand a little about gossip, and how written word and spoken word can be distorted as they travel from person to person. How appearances, smells, and tactile sensations can be distorted even from one to person to the next, but particularly as those impressions travel via gossip. Being bad at communicating and being pushed too hard or in unwanted directions are all different things. How does one person's words or actions travel so far so fast? It's amazing. Never mind signal fires. It's like that coregulation thing. Like we're a living neural network and each person is a node. Information can travel too quickly or slowly, or it can be distorted. And I do worry about consequences, not just for me. Because I worked in Tax and IT, retail and psychology. I don't know criminal law. I've seen what life can do to people. I worry about consequences. Especially when... lives seem at risk. Which is why recently, I've been very focused on safety, and domestic activities, and minding my own business. Because I'm not sure what the future holds. This talk about victims and my awareness of tax law... it makes me nervous. I've been hearing a lot of real things, seeing a lot of real things... and I'm worried where the lines are. I feel like I need to continue to reflect on my life choices and give younger people a chance to shine. I'm hoping that other people with more independence will be making the larger decisions. I don't remember when I filed the first FBI report. I don't know what they are doing. I have not spoken to them directly. I'm not being told much. I know that some people have been very concerned. I know I'm being advised to stay home and mind my own business. 

I've been spending my days monitoring physical symptoms and doing basic at home tasks. Going to counseling when I'm not afraid to leave the house. To my medical appointments when I'm not afraid to leave the house. I'm not sure what's going on. But everywhere I go people seem acutely aware of my presence. When I think back, I remember the times professionals started looking alarmed. And I think about that legal requirement to report abuse, people in danger. I think about the tax laws. About Al Capone. I think about some of the things I've seen and heard. I move between "It's not that bad" and wondering if people might go to prison. I think about our prison population being so large already. I think about the time I spent in McClean. I haven't actually been out and about that much. There are people that know this community better. I have been on a lot of medication. So maybe I really am crazy. Or maybe not. I did work in tax. It's hard to do a job like that and be completely nuts. So, I'm not sure. I'm just wondering how many times the healthcare system or other government agencies may have heard about me. I think maybe I should think a little less. This is getting too interesting. There's plenty that I don't know. And certain types of people in the community or online seem to have agendas. And I was contacted by someone whose voice I recognized. He was angry. Not long after CCBH. This is definitely not what I had planned. I'm wanting to mind my own business. Maybe text, email, or specific people that I trust that are not health care professionals (unless being paid to help me). Maybe some social media. Natural light. The internist's offices have seemed particularly nervous. Since maybe 2019. It's kind of weird that when I saw SDOH, I thought it meant Social Determinants of HARM. I need to mind my own business. The hospitals are getting very edgy. I was told some things are permanent. But not which things. Or even the type of things. And of course there was covid. I've been hearing a lot of rumors. Not just about me. The doctors hated the DID dx. absolutely hated it. And I've heard some conspiracy theories about DID. About how common or uncommon. About what people who have it, what they do. About the treatments. But also I heard once that it was like a government program. To recruit people. Like Bourne Identity shit. 

People want me around them. They want to watch me. And they are so hypersensitive about the way I act. It doesn't matter what I do or say, they get testy. Ever since 2019. And my body is changing off Clozaril. And I still believe that drug should be taken off the market. That it's not safe. Permanent ban. Permanent. Misguided drug trials. Nazi like experimentation on people. I may be crazy, but I've been taught by the best. I'm going to go mind my own business now. Let other people shine. Oh, those doctors hate my guts now. Maybe that's why some people won't let me quit. 

Calmer Reflections

It literally has been five years since I have seen or spoken to either the nurse or the psychiatrist. Boundaries did get misplaced with both. THC was indeed recommended by the psychiatrist. Somethings are unfortunate sometimes, but I'm not sure which is which. I do like people. So did they. Sometimes people just need to drop their stones. I need to focus on things other then drugs (prescription or otherwise). There is an ocean of research on trauma, polyvagal theory, stockholm syndrome, things like that. You just have to choose not to ignore it. We all have choices. I need to FOCUS on domestic skills and writing... maybe taxes if the office doesn't get too excited about my skills and I end up doing 180 returns. Maybe first I can finish my own taxes. Stupid 1099-Q or whatever it is. The cat's doing well. My printer occassionally disconnects and the IT sometimes glitches and I'm really not that interested in IT anymore. Maybe we can all be a little less paranoid if we watch what we say, who we spend time with. But sometimes I do think in terms of protectors and persecutors. Some of them were doctors, MDs or PhDs. Some were nurses. Boundaries got misplaced. On both sides. Starting when I was a minor. So I think it's important to be careful what we teach young people, who we spend time with, and what drugs we prescribe. Not everythiing is a nightmare. Sometimes darkness is simply a natural absense of light. Sometimes there is no reason to be afraid, even if unusual things are happening or if people use odd words. Though I'm not sure why some hospital employees lie or become aggressive. Then wonder why I act strangely. It's very odd. So am I. Maybe a little less Mrs. Doubtfire. Malacheck is dead and so is Robin Williams. I'm not sure what the future brings, but I'm very aware of the eyes on myself and the PA. I'm very aware of the gossip. Hopefully I'll have no more FBI or SWAT related thoughts. Hopefully it will be calm in Greenville. Today I'm going to go through a few more things. Try to work on some funny stories and some stories about Greenville. I get stuck in certain time periods. 90s, 2002, 2013ish, 2018-2021. I've spent time around God complexes. Maybe some of it rubbed off. But we did mirror each other at times. We both acted a little bipolar at times. Pushing too hard. Crashing. Not all of it is nuerochemical in nature. And cooregulation is real. I have not spoke to the FBI. My counselor did. Like the nurse at Vinewell... she became... somewhat faint appearing. Maybe we could all drop some stones. Relax a little. Take mental vacations. I do not know what the future holds. But settling down / slowing down sounds good. I do like Greenville County. Keeping it safe is a good thing. I'm not sure I want to make a habit of visiting police stations, filing reports, or thinking about legal action. Some things are nasty business. Yet I do appreciate the medical board, SCDHEC and Timmons. Certain events were not helpful. Not wise. I think I should mind my own business now. I do appreciate nurses. They are usually more careful what they say then techs or doctors. Because they are in the middle. Being in the middle can be better. The power balance is more equalized. Too low, and you have no say. Too high, and you start to become arrogant. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like as an Army Ranger, a teacher, or law enforcement. Instead I learned to follow psychiatrists and nurses around like a lost puppy. We can spread the blame around or maybe just find something else more interesting. People and thoughts both make me nervous. Now that I'm less numbed out, both myself and others have become a little testy. I can see and hear voices from the past. My senses can be acute. I'm not sure how I developed boundary issues, but I think it had something to do with mild autism and some overactivity and chaos in childhood. I've never liked to be in the spotlight for too long. Privacy is nice. I'm really appreciating a quieter life. Sometimes I go outside. Othertimes I just let the sound of the birds come in and open the curtains. But I think the people watching me are getting a little overworked. I'm not sure when I signed up for all this. I'm not interested in pity parties but my life has been exciting in the wrong ways. At school I did not go to hardly any parties. I was a nerd. So don't get too jealous. It's not really been quite that bad or that great. Alcohol never really did much for me. I never tried any illegal substance. I was prescribed a lot of pills. I never sold them either. So sometimes they collected. Around 2020 they began to freak me out. I have some ritalin I need to burn. Maybe some old hospital paperwork. There is a bit of a rebound effect with sensory. With or without legal or illegal drugs. There is a shutdown effect. I remember that EMT. I liked him a lot. Reminded me of my CL partner. Very kind and wise. I remember 3 workers from CL, including the manager. Now I have "my women" and coffee. And a lack of interest in the larger world. A lack of interest in politics and excitment. I don't understand running around. Women in non-professional situations make me nervous. Men tend to bore me. Or irritate me. Sometimes they are outright obnoxious. Think far too much of themselves. I like young people, but I don't have much energy. I'm told that my brain is burning a lot of energy to deal with processing issues and past events. When I was numbed out, life was much different. Now I can remember a bit more, but the memories seem much more intense. When you're a little more numb, 911 level stuff isn't really that alarming. When you're not numb, you can make better decisions, function better, your body can not wear out as easily, but the intensity of small things becomes large. I thought I was unpopular. Maybe I wasn't. I don't know. But lately I seem a little too interesting. Maybe like that nurse, I attracted too much attention. Or the wrong kind. But now "my women" like it when I stay at home. They worry about me being around the wrong influences, germs, substances, or pushing too hard. If I was 20 years younger, I'd grab an IT job, or a tax job, or maybe a psych job, or even military or law enforcement. But I never ever wanted to work in health care. outside of mental health, at least. I do not understand the fascination. IT gets irritating. The smallest little formatting mistake and everything grinds to a halt. Even taxes are less finicky. Teaching or law enforcement would have been better. But the further I go along the more allergic I become to advice. I not only communicate better in writing but visual is a much easier barrier then auditory. I've never been good at filtering sound. Voice is even less strong with VNS, but if I give it breaks, it does well. I can, in fact, talk. I've come to find that I don't have a whole lot to contribute to everyday conversation that is of tremendous value. Conversations become tedious quickly. Though the weather is becoming a favorite subject, and I'm coming around to American sports a little. Though baseball seems little more interesting then golf, which is like watching grass grow. Or paint dry. Hockey is much too loud. Basketball and football are better. Tennis is decent.

Dear ER: Clarity

    I think I'm understanding clarity a little better. Cuz everyone has feelings. If female workers cower behind males, males get protective. They might curse or make threats. 

    If DID patients are around this, they might shut down completely. Go away. And then the cursing and threats comes out later. Polyvagal theory. Stockholm Syndrome. Medical Complex trauma. 

    Biology. One body. One hardware. DID not in remission... an out of date operating system... Programs running amuck... Memory overflows... data loss... Scrambled output.

    LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT COMPLEX FREAKING TRAUMA PLEASE. Thank YOU. 

We really need to see other people. I hear Bon Secours is nice my time of illness... I can be honest. You just won't like it very much. With purely physical... honesty is so much easier. 

Laugh/cry

Its really wierd when someone has fits in which they alternate laughing and crying. I've not seen it very often. I have seen sudden bursts of anger. That seems more common. I remember the purple heart. I remember his eyes. Very very distinct eyes. Not like the usual burnt out type. Just his eyes seemed to spontaneously combust. I remember the click it guy. Used to jump from airplanes. I remember the guy on the floor. He lasted a few hours before he was moved somewhere. Yes I remember ptsd. 

Some people insist I fake. Others find the physical symptoms so frustrating. BP going up and down. Numbness in and out. Neuropathy. Others, they just recognize and don't say much. Arson used to be like that. We got too close. Maybe now we don't like the view quite as much. 

Oh I don't recall. That's why I have 600 pages. To help me remember the significance of the ten days. 

Some days we're all just playing along. It comes out in bursts. Left side of face. 7. Right side. 2. I could take a marker and stretch them on my skull. Sometimes sharp like needle points. Others more like a section of face is on fire.  Sometimes my top scalp has rippling sensations. With mirapex he mentioned microsiezures. But I don't think that was quite it. I don't think it was seizures. MRIs normal. Ekgs normal. BP ripples. Hands suddenly gripping so tight they might break something. The foot is worst in am. I hyperfocus in the most unusual ways. Mostly on environment. 

I'll never forget that ER. It was so strange. Kind of like... they found us... open the mouth. Everyone jump in. We gotta hide. Theres a rotation combination on the back of the upper lip... just keep rotating the cylinders... they'll never find us...

Flammable

    Ashes is on fire again. Maybe the foam isn't working.

    Where's the nearest Psychiatrist?

    Maybe the prefrontal overheated. Let's look under the hood. 

    Let's see... there's gotta to be an interface port behind the left ear? Can we reprogram the auditory nerve? Too much noise on the relay.

    Did you check the insulation on the auditory cortex? Run through our neurologists? Perhaps Clarity has a drive through?

Welp... back to the drawing board. Internal management is difficult. Too fragmented. Hospital had no clue. I mean as a whole. Different people saw Different issues. But none came even close to the whole. Not even close. Still. And my mental math seems off.

Mip said don't spread your trauma. They said boundaries. They also medicated and tried to dx bullshit again. Throwing spaghetti at the wall. Can't blame MA for that. Atlanta said no but nobody listened to Atlanta.  ... I should calm down. Just a little. I'm OK.

Bigger Picture

I saw a friend the other day. We had pizza. I contacted a few other friends. Sent them my concerns about healthcare. Also, to a few healthcare people. And my team is tracking me. And I may or may not have FBI watching me. So now everyone can rest easy that I'm not actually dangerous. Because there's too many healthcare people, social workers, and even public safety keeping tabs. That gives me some peace of mind. I may be strange, but I'm not strong or smart enough to outsmart or overpower that many people. Not possible. Still weird that Prismo is keeping security guards around, but it's their dime. 

It seems that my odd communication and behavior has alarmed people. Also, the rather abrupt resignation in 2020 and the D/C of Clozaril. Maybe people are finally cluing in to the fact that poor boundaries, forced medication, and powerful drugs or combinations of drugs are not safe. Or maybe they are still obsessing over hemp products. There can be plenty of theories. MIP certainly was grasping at straws. If the ER hadn't fucked up so bad... if they understood dissociation and trauma better... that Stockholm Syndrome thing, then maybe it could have been different. Or maybe they will never learn. Some people are bad in combination. Like God complex MDs or Psychologists. People that are enmeshed/codependent/cult like. Group thinkers. Ah, di internist will be sooooo proooooooud. Spidey growing up! 

Now. A couple of IT kinks. Thanks FBI. Gotta get the printer working again. Maybe be a little less paranoid about family and health care workers. Maybe think aloud a little less. But I like the direction this is going. Hopefully, between Prismo, the health dept, and my team, things will quiet down. And the anger and the hallucination/flashback stuff will calm down.

Row, row, row, your leaf, gently down di streammmmm...
Merrily... Merrily... Merrily... Merrily...
Quietly distuuurrrrbed. 

I wonder how George is doing. And Keisha. Some of my black friends. Today's numbers were decent. Had all di meds. A little cleaning. Dug out the back drain again. I watched a little news. Healthcare firewalled. Legal case for MIP and Woodruff Road all set. What's left? I'm still a little angry with the Furman Psychologist and McClean. But McClean really can't be held accountable. They had limited information and some disinformation and they were out of state. I'm still thinking that between them and the pharmacy up there, there was some stupidity. I mean, what did they think was going to happen? duh. We'll just pop him on Clozaril and release. Well, that worked out great. Clozaril really is a miracle drug. Worked so VERY well. All sorts of stupid. I suppose I could sue the manufacturer. That might be worth a look. Or maybe I could advocate. With the FDA or something. Well... that seems a stretch. Maybe a letter. I'm better in writing, as I think people are starting to see. 

The Psychologist really was just super full of himself. All sorts of stupid. No common sense. The bullshit he was passing off. So stupid. A lot of theory that made very little sense in reality, sexism, arrogance like crazy, odd personality. He really was a piece of shit. I can't believe they had him around young people. Just all sorts of stupid. The most moronic interpretations of CBT. Little sketches and stuff. And he was soooooooooo proud of himself. He was such slime. God. Condescending, out of touch, weird clothes, just all sorts of stupid and hateful idiocy. Some people should NOT work in mental health. He was DEFINITELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, one of those predatory pieces of shit. People think I'm creepy... I learned from the best. That psychologist, he was a real creep. A slimeball. low life. a piece of shit. And he worked hand in glove with the shrink. and they drugged and snickered and laughed and billed and well... now we can see the results. The Mychart and my behavior and words. The records and the witnesses. Bury Ashes, they said. Some people are coming with me. That Psychologist and the Psychiatrist. Clozaril's reputation, hopefully. And the old guard of MIP. The Psychiatrist's buddies. Atlanta tried to say no. They didn't listen. They could have stopped the medication train. Rats. back at 8. Need to stay under 7. 

Springbrook thought I was protecting someone. About the drugs and the dysregulation. The poor boundaries. Trauma. Autism Spectrum. I'd say if there was an original problem, it was AS. It wasn't well understood. The ADHD is mild. So I think when a family doesn't know how to handle AS... See, Springbrook knew the problems. CCBH had no fucking clue. Absolutely zero. I mean. They did see dysregulation. They got pissed, realized they were burning money, and fell back on past mistakes. With a Bullshit Dx. And a lot of incompetence and stupidity. It was really sad. clusterfuck. They made a lot of stupid mistakes, did a lot of nonsense. Zero professional value. I mean, it's no wonder the insurance paid for just a few blood tests. But that idiot was so damn proud. The stupid little grin on his face. What an asshole. God he was a stuck up prick. a hillbilly prick. Still a prick. The educated pricks and him really were hoping to shut me down. I just don't get these doctors sometimes. Glad I don't have any. Just NPs and PAs. I'll just post a No Prick sign. There was this one resident at Springbrook. I really liked that guy. He was great. He was from the midwest, I believe. A little nerdy I think. He could read me like a book. I worked with 3 female residents. One, they just used for the discharge. 

It's weird how everyone obsesses over Elle's hair color. Everywhere I go. Small at MIP. That Nurse or whatever at CCBH. They look for the hair color. As if that matters. You know, if it really is hair color... My PA has black hair. Artstick had black hair. LPC brown. Mindful Psychiatrist is blonde. Internist is red. My childhood friend is red. I need another brown... AHA! the NP at the stomach Doc! BROWN HAIR! SWEET! Ok, so my man (and women), have equal hair colors. If you include leaves. I emailed her the website. So we're all on board, hair colors are represented... Racially... wait... better idea. Instead of the stomach NP, I'll go with my friend George. The stomach doc isn't that involved. wait... colors are off... I'll keep the NP. I'll add George. So 3 black hair, 2 blonde, 2 red, 2 brown. I have black hair, so I'll make an exception for black. So my collective thinking is represented by Myself, an internist, a stomach doc, Two LPCs, Two psychiatrists plus a psychiatry PA, a psychologist, A former surgeon, and their respective MDs. There's a team. 2 male, 7 female. 2 black, 7 white. Hmmmm... I need diversity. I think the income spectrum is reasonably spread. Some are more country than others. I need Asians and Hispanics. Thinking... The Neurologist! Asian! Maybe that's where the Iranians are coming from. She's Persian. You know technically, The allergist has brown hair, the dietitian... I don't know... I'm going to guess brown. the GI doc is black hair i think. Oh wait. The brunette is the NP allergist. The MD allergist has black hair. Now's there's also a blonde female psychiatry PA on my mychart. I mean, they're so obsessed with the characteristics of my team. So now I've got maybe 14. 11 women and 3 men. I feel less angry already. I'm just frustrated. I have a small world. But it's what I have. And 14 people helping. 1 Asian, 2 black, and 11 white. Not bad. Still could use another Asian and a couple of Hispanics. Thinking... Spravato Doc was white. I'm short on hispanics. 

Oh well. That was fun though. I'll see if I can pick up two hispanic medicals and an Asian. Do I have any social workers? In the hospital, there was a black one, and I think two white. The dance instructor was hispanic. We did salsa. I'll include her. 12 women. I'd better get more guys. Male, hispanic or asian... that's a tough when if you only include medical. Well I'll work on that.

I KNOW ALL YOU DOCTORS. I KNOW YOUR HOSPITALS. I HAVE SOME MEMORIZED. I've had MIP Memorized for decades. I know every inch. I knew McClean. Every inch of that unit. Every procedure. Every staff. I know what you teach. What you don't. I know your drugs. Your DSMs. I. Know you. Austen Riggs. I can still see them. I've been to these places. I'm practically staff. I've known many doctors. I need some eyes on me. Just a little. So I can mind my own business. I want to save you some money. Federal money. I want to stay out of hospitals. Mind my own business. I've lived in hospitals. Want to stay home. My mind back together. I want Brannon to help. She knows me. She was a surgeon. She's very smart. I had friends. At Clemson. In Greenville. MA. Dr. Z. My sleep doc. I want my people. Whatever dr.s mostly... like musc or Atlanta... I just a few eyes on me. Just a few. People that can help mindful upstate. With whatever they need. Suggestions. For treating the DID you created. That's all I want. Via online. Phone. Maybe any DID experts. On the east coast. Just for ideas. research sharing. Mapping stuff. I know there must be more knowledge. 

Ebbbbyday is a winding web!

Getta liddle bit closer and peeling pine!

Ebbbbyday is a whining toad!

(Ribbit)

Fiction

There's been some things coming up that are fairly intense. I'm trying to refocus away from certain people and situations. Because people are finding my memories, feelings, and expressions stressful. I was not intending to be PG, but I was not intending to be NC-17 either. But I can remember extremely disturbing things. And I like South Carolina. I've met a lot of nice people. I was not intending to write horror stories or thrillers. And I was mentioning DID to make it less scary sounding. Not the opposite. It doesn't have to be that way. It can really be more like some dysregulation, memory issues, and communication issues. Bipolar as far as I've experienced does not have to be awful either. But again, I'm not a doctor and have no desire to be one. No one controls me. I'm not some mind controlling sinister presence. I'm not completely mindless either. It's been nice and quiet though. The cats doing well. I like Mauldin.

Stubborn

MIP may or may not have made key mistakes. I'm not sure what they were trying to accomplish. I don't they knew either. But one employee said to another "We need to break this relationship [with counselor]".

Whatever they intended, saying that caught my ear. I have acute hearing at times. Yeah I hear a lot of what y'all say. But Arson didn't seem to understand DID. Maybe he didn't realize that the overlap of medical complex trauma and DID is important. Maybe MIP didn't understand that Seroquel simply brings it down for a bit. Ativan too. Maybe they didn't understand that bipolar makes little sense. Maybe they didn't understand the importance of my particular boundaries. I don't even know who said that. I think she was a tech. Maybe a nurse. If you break trust, that makes things take longer. And you have to run in 5,000 different employees saying all sorts of goobledy gook and try reaching for all sorts of DX's. The hispanic one and the quiet male helped. 

But the ER hadn't particularly inspired trust. Maybe the Spravato went awry. And mentioning Elle's name wasn't helpful. Or City Center. Or the other safe places. Stockholm Syndrome. Safe places. I'm not a criminal mastermind. But I know safety. 

But if you have any understanding of that, even without understanding helpers and protectors and gatekeepers, you can understand the rest. 

Otherwise, you might get locked out.

I wouldn't get all in a twist. Maybe a little less psychosis/bipolar/paranoia bullshit and just not scare people or fuck with them. You know? I'm assuming you thought I was going to harm someone I mentioned or at one of these safe places. IMA was safe. Not sure I mentioned that one. Maybe just let people make their own choices and not antagonize them or scare them. Maybe I can do that too. If you don't make me talk too much, sometimes I don't need to. Understand AS/trauma a little better. That just may be a win. CCTP. Stockholm Syndrome. Autism Spectrum. Medical Complex Trauma. 

Some people are good in combination. Others are not.

Some people understand me better than others. I can mirror you and you can mirror me or we can lock each other out. Y'all love those locked doors. I got locks too.

People talk, I get it. But I'm not exactly sure what you think you were accomplishing with the AA group and the gay thing. I really don't need you to help me understand my substance use or my sexuality. I don't understand the patients modeling dysfunctional behavior. That was fucked up. Really twisted. Nail polish in the end is a substance of itself. It can be removed easily. The right person with the right words can calm someone down. The food was very hard to eat. very hard to eat. It makes no sense. Mainly because you stressed me out and because you made such a humongous deal of the diet that you healthcare people taught me. Go ahead. Lecture and then don't follow your own advice. Makes no sense. I don't understand hospitals. You're making more work for the low levels when you don't follow common sense and your own education. Or misuse drugs or get all high and mighty about a positive THC screen. It makes no sense. You're making people paranoid with this shit, then you drug them and release them into the wild. It frustrates me. Give me something digestible, don't fuck with me, and give me a few people with the right words. Maybe a soccer ball. It's not that hard. Maybe some more natural lighting on the inside. Like the therapeutic lights. Fewer buzzers and more natural sounds like birds or whatever. I don't understand you people. The hospital used to be better in some ways. People seemed to know how to talk better. But agitating and provoking someone in a high stress environment in close quarters is all kinds of stupid. Talking to Prichards and Arson wasn't so bad. Dolyart didn't say much. Groans... I don't remember other then pushing her. I liked Sharon. She had a sharp eye. She was a social worker. They can be very perceptive. I met with three. That was the most helpful part. Gullet barely spoke. McClinton was very detailed. But Seroquel is not a long term solution. I don't believe in those drugs. I think Clozaril is a clusterfuck. A total clusterfuck. Creating vegetables. That the techs and nurses can water and monitor until harvest season. Hopefully I'm not spoiled yet. 

Switching

People get hung up on switching. Myself included. I don't actually change from one person to another. I don't have extreme or complex plans. I'm not a criminal mastermind. I'm observant. It's more like a republic. 8 parts. Not all are present at one time. But decisions are made kind of like majority rule. There's a President. The members vote. If they are absent, they abstain. If no decision is made, we generally follow past precedent. But within rules. Like laws. Like the Bible. It doesn't mean that I always know what to do or say. Sometimes I feel torn. Between sides. 

If there has been a major switch, it's away from doctors and towards lower-level people. Doctors haven't worked out so good. Maybe that's why Arson can't find one to work with me. I don't like them so much. I don't know if the hospitals are going to lock me out or I'm going to lock them out but we're getting sick of each other. Govt insurance, overmedicalization. Too much time together. Need to see other people. 

Anyways, I need to work on my domestic labor skills. Maybe dig out that drain in the backyard. Stop obsessing over things I can't control. Past experiences and different careers. Practice that Guitar. All those mind my own business skills. 180 tax returns. ugh. You'd think I'd have filed my own on time. tricky with different types of income but if I get the paper forms instead of the stupid software, maybe I can do the 1099-QA or whatever its called. The tax softwares get picky with rare forms. 

Maybe doctors can find a different obsession. 

Globalization

 

I got frustrated. A little paranoid. I wasn't planning on talking like conspiracy radio. I've been in the medical system too much. It gets in my head. The pills. It seemed like people were on different sides. I wanted to help South Carolina. Maybe declaring myself federal property is a bit extreme. I'm trying to stay in the middle. But I've been excited to be joined by people from places like Netherlands, Singapore, Lithuania, Japan, Canada, UK, Germany, France, China, Russia, etc. Italy hasn't taken much of an interest. But I got into Iran. Indonesia. See I'm traveling the world right now... I've been to Alaska and Central America, but never Africa or South America (as I recall... I may REMEMBER differently). Oh I'm in Australia. Always wanted to go there. Japan too. I wanted to go there. I think Africa and India might be on my list. I did get some Indians. Not many. 

Just one small thing on politics. I'm a little frustrated with the chaos at the executive level and the gridlock at the legislative level. I'm not well versed with local politics. Maybe I can tamp down the dark and the disturbing a little. Maybe I can engage in slightly less combative verbalization. I get frustrated. And my voice wears out pretty quick.

Fluville

Some things are totally creepy. We could stop talking but no we'd never do that. I don't understand this thing with medication. I met a Brittany the other day. The fence really does look nice. I wonder what it's made of. I'm thinking Pine. Why do people hide soccer balls. I'm gonna have to speak to Paytlin about that. Some people just don't like soccer. Doctors, they just can't stay away from me. Always something to analyze. Poor Small. She didn't like getting yelled at. Then she suddenly has the flu. Sudden illnesses can be like that. Stress induced. I've had a few. You know, it's nice not living in hospitals. Funny they wanted me to go to the Phoenix Center. Almost like they thought of the Phoenix. The creature that rises from the Ashes. Strange where people get ideas. Then, they don't like an idea, it's time to force medicate. Such a strange society. The lower part of the state is where those Murdochs were from. Those people scare me. But I like Charlotte. It's a nice city. It had that growth spurt. Now this city is following behind it. Social workers talk a lot less then doctors. It's like talking to Safe Harbor. My right foot is doing that thing again. slightly numb and tingling. Curls a little bit. I don't actually like hospitals that much. But if people get hostile, might as well shut down and disappear in my mind. Then everyone can just stand around and argue about what is or isn't wrong. Waste a whole lotta time. I hope y'all had fun. Next time we should maybe throw some prescriptions in the shredder. Make some confetti. We can have a party right there in the ER. Maybe Arson will come. He has a good sense of humor. We can tell jokes. Start a few catheters. Or maybe we'll all go down to MIP. We can dig out that grassy area. Hose in some water. I've always wanted to try mud wrestling. We can put that Carolina Drugs song on the bluetooth. Me vs Arson. The Nursing staff can place wagers. We'll have us a grand old time. 

I used to have more energy. But I think I could take Arson. But seriously, that place creeps me out. My internist reminds me of a childhood friend. That's why I picked her. I'd rather trust a Nurse Practitioner then an MD. Y'all are too script happy. Then you like to D/C what other doctors do. Now I've got Ritalin lying around and somehow that's my fault. I'm not the one who wrote the orders. Then you'll blame me for having drugs lying around. Very much like Prichards. Sure, blame the patient. Go ahead. Leaves is listening. They say I'm the one playing mind games. Some people just don't know when to quit. If you want to improve mental health, stop being so drug happy, stop insulting people, stop threatening people, stop blaming them. It works both ways. Some people make too much damn money prescribing drugs. It really pisses people off. I don't understand the medical system. 

You know, in Patch Adams, the guy does get better. I remember the bathtub of Spaghetti. Mental health shouldn't be so hard. If you stop operating hospitals like prisons you'd have much less to worry about. But no, we have to hyper analyze. drug it up. Fuck with people's minds. Y'all make no sense. 

Spidey likes di trees. Dey good for a crawl. Maybe if I end up there again, I'll just climb a tree. I tried that at spring brook. They didn't like the fence story. One of the staff wanted to shut it down. She smiles at me and talks about chasing me down and tackling me. I looked her up and down and thought to myself... Yeah I don't think you'd have much luck. But I wrote a poem for her too. Only she got pissed off and wouldn't take it. I was gonna have them keep it for the staff like MIP. It was this one here: Flow

See I'm a little tired of going to hospitals and Counseling Offices and writing poems for the workers. It's happened a few times. If I didn't need to be so damned perfect, then there wouldn't be so many pills, so many inpatients, so many analyses...

Y'all are funny though. Really. Say hi to Elle. Stockholm Syndrome. Look it up. She was never afraid of me. I think she understand what was happening. South Carolina maybe gets a little too drug happy, a little too perfection oriented. I'm so glad I firewalled my healthcare. The techs and nurses get pissed off doing BPs and EKGs when they come out just fine. Oh wait, another test to run... what will they think of next? Let's all just do this so much that our own bodies give us the heeby jeebies. 

Funny CCBH didn't want me to leave feedback. They said they would throw it out. They said a lot of bullshit. Fucking pricks. It's sad. So I guess now this website is my feedback survey. Generally, while in the hospital, I try to be fair with surveys. Those can affect performance reviews. On the outside, I can say what I want and they can't find a scape goat so much. Unless, of course, they do it CCBH style. Then things get messy. Then a whole hospital gets fucked. Then the insurance refuses to pay. Then they come after the patient. Which they were threatening to do even when the patient was in there. Some people have loose mouths. One Nurse warned them. They didn't listen. I like Nurses. It was over 50,000$. They were so fixated on making me perfect and force medicating. So they lost $$50,000 dollars and some employees. It doesn't make sense. No, let's just threaten and agitate. Bipolarize. Psychociate. Drug it up. Fuck our own damn selves in the process. And they say I don't make sense. The insurance paid for a couple blood tests. A few hundred dollars. Sometimes stupid is just stupid. I can get up on a soapbox too. Leaves knew what was going on. She tried to stop this. I've got to return that ritalin. I just don't know if it helps. United States spends a shitload on healthcare. Malacheck had a magnetic personality. Then they magnetized me to be just like him. They even tuned my magnets to play along. Medical Complex Trauma. You diagnosed it. This is the result. 

Coffee and I we don't say much. We don't actually have to. So long as he is my psychiatrist, they can't get creative with the drugs. Clozaluiah! Spidey needs to go for a crawl... tink about life choices. Hospitals are not actually churches. Drugs are not actually incense. DSMs are not actually Bibles. Y'all should sing more. Maybe you'd need less drugs.

Yeah that childhood friend of mine? The one the Internist reminds me of? Her name was Brannon. I asked her to keep an eye on me. I was told she works in Public Health. We gotta help each other. Our healthcare is becoming Psychotic. It hallucinates problems. It has thoughts of hurting itself and others. Sometimes it likes to take people to the dungeon. Where it keeps its machines. The ECTs, the rTMSes... Then they think it's funny. Or they get pissed off. They call me the mad scientist. I was taught by the best and brightest of the East Coast. From GA to MA. This is the result. Being so mentally scrambled you can't keep your damn head straight, you can't work, and then it's permanent disability. Yay team. 

Back off, Angry. Hospitals should be more like sesame street. Now they hate my guts. They can't quit. They are addicted to patients. They have a patient use problem. Let's just run the whole state like a Prison. Sounds like Prison to me. I could have been a little simpler. I swear to God it was police first. I actually did try to join the Army. Rangers. The recruiter was excited about it. Family shut that down too. Families can shut things down sometimes. They're not perfect. So later it was history teacher, then because they kept analyzing me it was Psychology and maybe teaching it but then maybe clinical to stop these people and then maybe I/O psychology to make organizations like hospitals work better. Family didn't like those ideas. They like doctors. I've met a few. dozen. maybe hundreds. I don't know how many. So then I had been taking business classes because of the I/O idea... that was after Tech and the business courses and history courses and the criminal justice courses (somethings never die)... So I managed to convince the Clemson Accounting Masters program to let me in. Damned persistent. I'm rather DRIVEN to distractions. But I don't know if that's a biology thing. So then I chose Tax because audit seemed... hard to manage the grey lines... I don't like finance... it reminds me of greed. So I started working in tax. I loved my customers. All sorts. then I applied to the FBI at some point. Forensic Accountant. So I guess I figured, I'm sick of the medical, I'm not dangerous or planning any criminal activitiy, I've been demonized and people won't leave me alone... why not reach out to the FBI... they can do the colonoscopies as often as necessary... till people fuck off.

Today I'm spending time with a friend, doing some organizing and cleaning. We're having a pizza. Hospital employees are not actually my family, it's just the name on the building thing. They can't get enough of me. I could have been simple. Cop. Teacher. Whatever. Now I'm Complex Medical trauma, medically complex, did, adhd, AS... the list never ends. And now they hate me. Because this is what they created. A not so psychotic pissed off guy. Who occasionally does Mrs. Doubtfire and aggravates the library. I need to return that book. I got pretty good at Mrs. Doubtfire. Pissed people off. Maybe a little too creative. But I'd better not Psychociate. It gets too interesting. Then the gatekeeper has to lock people out. I do hear sirens in my mind on occasion. But no, I'm not law enforcement. I'm not a lawyer. I worked in tax/IT/retail/Psychology(volunteering). 

Now they like to talk about "my women". Well, if you male doctors would drop the damn Rx pads, I wouldn't need my women. The Elles, Leaves, Mollys, Social workers, NPs, RNs, stuff like that. And I damn for sure wouldn't need FBI or local police. I wouldn't have these flashbacks and hallucinations about SWAT teams and guns and shit like that. You get what you paid for. My women appreciate the chaos I'm sure. They've mentioned a time or two. Brannon was very helpful before.

So hopefully South Carolina Mental Health Community and Healthcare community are filtering in the messages. My women prefer me to stay home and not overmedicalized, I'm a little strange, I annoy people with Mrs. Doubtfires, I'm not actually dangerous, I'm not a criminal mastermind (just observant), I'm not actually law enforcement but I'm not afraid of them either, I don't actually like going to hospitals, I can be cryptic, I can do a lot of mindfulness stuff like in the ER, I do have hallucinations and flashbacks, I'm slowing down, I'm not sure if I can keep up with the high paced tax offices, I can be good with words, I have no idea what my PA or internist thinks but I do know some things filter back, I never wanted to be a doctor (TRUTH), I know a lot of doctors, memory is good but recall bad, I'm not actually interested in dating within hospitals or stalking healthcare workers, I have a bit of Stockholm Syndrome and certain people are my main safe zones, I have trouble working with some men and some women have trouble working with me. I do have MIP pretty much memorized. But I hear they're building that new place. Please don't invite me. I don't want to see y'all's new place. I wonder how Springbrook is doing. It was kinda pretty. They had a spider on the window with a web. Squirrels on the bird feeder. That building used to be a school. It shows. I enjoyed doing yoga. You know MIP had that salsa class. I dance better when less stressed. 

Spidey go do a pew tings. Laundry to fold. Hallways to declutter. Friends to visit. I need to volunteer less... patient or otherwise.