Calmer Reflections

It literally has been five years since I have seen or spoken to either the nurse or the psychiatrist. Boundaries did get misplaced with both. THC was indeed recommended by the psychiatrist. Somethings are unfortunate sometimes, but I'm not sure which is which. I do like people. So did they. Sometimes people just need to drop their stones. I need to focus on things other then drugs (prescription or otherwise). There is an ocean of research on trauma, polyvagal theory, stockholm syndrome, things like that. You just have to choose not to ignore it. We all have choices. I need to FOCUS on domestic skills and writing... maybe taxes if the office doesn't get too excited about my skills and I end up doing 180 returns. Maybe first I can finish my own taxes. Stupid 1099-Q or whatever it is. The cat's doing well. My printer occassionally disconnects and the IT sometimes glitches and I'm really not that interested in IT anymore. Maybe we can all be a little less paranoid if we watch what we say, who we spend time with. But sometimes I do think in terms of protectors and persecutors. Some of them were doctors, MDs or PhDs. Some were nurses. Boundaries got misplaced. On both sides. Starting when I was a minor. So I think it's important to be careful what we teach young people, who we spend time with, and what drugs we prescribe. Not everythiing is a nightmare. Sometimes darkness is simply a natural absense of light. Sometimes there is no reason to be afraid, even if unusual things are happening or if people use odd words. Though I'm not sure why some hospital employees lie or become aggressive. Then wonder why I act strangely. It's very odd. So am I. Maybe a little less Mrs. Doubtfire. Malacheck is dead and so is Robin Williams. I'm not sure what the future brings, but I'm very aware of the eyes on myself and the PA. I'm very aware of the gossip. Hopefully I'll have no more FBI or SWAT related thoughts. Hopefully it will be calm in Greenville. Today I'm going to go through a few more things. Try to work on some funny stories and some stories about Greenville. I get stuck in certain time periods. 90s, 2002, 2013ish, 2018-2021. I've spent time around God complexes. Maybe some of it rubbed off. But we did mirror each other at times. We both acted a little bipolar at times. Pushing too hard. Crashing. Not all of it is nuerochemical in nature. And cooregulation is real. I have not spoke to the FBI. My counselor did. Like the nurse at Mindwell... she became... somewhat faint appearing. Maybe we could all drop some stones. Relax a little. Take mental vacations. I do not know what the future holds. But settling down / slowing down sounds good. I do like Greenville County. Keeping it safe is a good thing. I'm not sure I want to make a habit of visiting police stations, filing reports, or thinking about legal action. Some things are nasty business. Yet I do appreciate the medical board, SCDHEC and Timmons. Certain events were not helpful. Not wise. I think I should mind my own business now. I do appreciate nurses. They are usually more careful what they say then techs or doctors. Because they are in the middle. Being in the middle can be better. The power balance is more equalized. Too low, and you have no say. Too high, and you start to become arrogant. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like as an Army Ranger, a teacher, or law enforcement. Instead I learned to follow psychiatrists and nurses around like a lost puppy. We can spread the blame around or maybe just find something else more interesting. People and thoughts both make me nervous. Now that I'm less numbed out, both myself and others have become a little testy. I can see and hear voices from the past. My senses can be acute. I'm not sure how I developed boundary issues, but I think it had something to do with mild autism and some overactivity and chaos in childhood. I've never liked to be in the spotlight for too long. Privacy is nice. I'm really appreciating a quieter life. Sometimes I go outside. Othertimes I just let the sound of the birds come in and open the curtains. But I think the people watching me are getting a little overworked. I'm not sure when I signed up for all this. I'm not interested in pity parties but my life has been exciting in the wrong ways. At school I did not go to hardly any parties. I was a nerd. So don't get too jealous. It's not really been quite that bad or that great. Alcohol never really did much for me. I never tried any illegal substance. I was prescribed a lot of pills. I never sold them either. So sometimes they collected. Around 2020 they began to freak me out. I have some ritalin I need to burn. Maybe some old hospital paperwork. There is a bit of a rebound effect with sensory. With or without legal or illegal drugs. There is a shutdown effect. I remember that EMT. I liked him a lot. Reminded me of my CL partner. Very kind and wise. I remember 3 workers from CL, including the manager. Now I have "my women" and coffee. And a lack of interest in the larger world. A lack of interest in politics and excitment. I don't understand running around. Women in non-professional situations make me nervous. Men tend to bore me. Or irritate me. Sometimes they are outright obnoxious. Think far too much of themselves. I like young people, but I don't have much energy. I'm told that my brain is burning a lot of energy to deal with processing issues and past events. When I was numbed out, life was much different. Now I can remember a bit more, but the memories seem much more intense. When you're a little more numb, 911 level stuff isn't really that alarming. When you're not numb, you can make better decisions, function better, your body can not wear out as easily, but the intensity of small things becomes large. I thought I was unpopular. Maybe I wasn't. I don't know. But lately I seem a little too interesting. Maybe like that nurse, I attracted too much attention. Or the wrong kind. But now "my women" like it when I stay at home. They worry about me being around the wrong influences, germs, substances, or pushing too hard. If I was 20 years younger, I'd grab an IT job, or a tax job, or maybe a psych job, or even military or law enforcement. But I never ever wanted to work in health care. outside of mental health, at least. I do not understand the fascination. IT gets irritating. The smallest little formatting mistake and everything grinds to a halt. Even taxes are less finicky. Teaching or law enforcement would have been better. But the further I go along the more allergic I become to advice. I not only communicate better in writing but visual is a much easier barrier then auditory. I've never been good at filtering sound. Voice is even less strong with VNS, but if I give it breaks, it does well. I can, in fact, talk. I've come to find that I don't have a whole lot to contribute to everyday conversation that is of tremendous value. Conversations become tedious quickly. Though the weather is becoming a favorite subject, and I'm coming around to American sports a little. Though baseball seems little more interesting then golf, which is like watching grass grow. Or paint dry. Hockey is much too loud. Basketball and football are better. Tennis is decent.