More on Switching

 We have to take turns. Especially in letting younger people have a chance to experience life. When People try to draw me out it worries me. I'm not actually a Satan Worshiper. People just scare me sometimes.

I don't think it's healthy for people to be afraid to go out in public. Regardless of their appearance. Yet in the pharmacy, at the grocery store, at fast food, at the library, I attract eyes and ears, and I get comments. I know people get to have feelings, and I do understand a little about gossip, and how written word and spoken word can be distorted as they travel from person to person. How appearances, smells, and tactile sensations can be distorted even from one to person to the next, but particularly as those impressions travel via gossip. Being bad at communicating and being pushed too hard or in unwanted directions are all different things. How does one person's words or actions travel so far so fast? It's amazing. Never mind signal fires. It's like that coregulation thing. Like we're a living neural network and each person is a node. Information can travel too quickly or slowly, or it can be distorted. And I do worry about consequences, not just for me. Because I worked in Tax and IT, retail and psychology. I don't know criminal law. I've seen what life can do to people. I worry about consequences. Especially when... lives seem at risk. Which is why recently, I've been very focused on safety, and domestic activities, and minding my own business. Because I'm not sure what the future holds. This talk about victims and my awareness of tax law... it makes me nervous. I've been hearing a lot of real things, seeing a lot of real things... and I'm worried where the lines are. I feel like I need to continue to reflect on my life choices and give younger people a chance to shine. I'm hoping that other people with more independence will be making the larger decisions. I don't remember when I filed the first FBI report. I don't know what they are doing. I have not spoken to them directly. I'm not being told much. I know that some people have been very concerned. I know I'm being advised to stay home and mind my own business. 

I've been spending my days monitoring physical symptoms and doing basic at home tasks. Going to counseling when I'm not afraid to leave the house. To my medical appointments when I'm not afraid to leave the house. I'm not sure what's going on. But everywhere I go people seem acutely aware of my presence. When I think back, I remember the times professionals started looking alarmed. And I think about that legal requirement to report abuse, people in danger. I think about the tax laws. About Al Capone. I think about some of the things I've seen and heard. I move between "It's not that bad" and wondering if people might go to prison. I think about our prison population being so large already. I think about the time I spent in McClean. I haven't actually been out and about that much. There are people that know this community better. I have been on a lot of medication. So maybe I really am crazy. Or maybe not. I did work in tax. It's hard to do a job like that and be completely nuts. So, I'm not sure. I'm just wondering how many times the healthcare system or other government agencies may have heard about me. I think maybe I should think a little less. This is getting too interesting. There's plenty that I don't know. And certain types of people in the community or online seem to have agendas. And I was contacted by someone whose voice I recognized. He was angry. Not long after CCBH. This is definitely not what I had planned. I'm wanting to mind my own business. Maybe text, email, or specific people that I trust that are not health care professionals (unless being paid to help me). Maybe some social media. Natural light. The internist's offices have seemed particularly nervous. Since maybe 2019. It's kind of weird that when I saw SDOH, I thought it meant Social Determinants of HARM. I need to mind my own business. The hospitals are getting very edgy. I was told some things are permanent. But not which things. Or even the type of things. And of course there was covid. I've been hearing a lot of rumors. Not just about me. The doctors hated the DID dx. absolutely hated it. And I've heard some conspiracy theories about DID. About how common or uncommon. About what people who have it, what they do. About the treatments. But also I heard once that it was like a government program. To recruit people. Like Bourne Identity shit. 

People want me around them. They want to watch me. And they are so hypersensitive about the way I act. It doesn't matter what I do or say, they get testy. Ever since 2019. And my body is changing off Clozaril. And I still believe that drug should be taken off the market. That it's not safe. Permanent ban. Permanent. Misguided drug trials. Nazi like experimentation on people. I may be crazy, but I've been taught by the best. I'm going to go mind my own business now. Let other people shine. Oh, those doctors hate my guts now. Maybe that's why some people won't let me quit.