Benzodiazapines

    Benzos are classified as anti-anxiety medications, but they can be used for some other things like sleep, or I think as add ons for seizures or akathisia, for example. Some benzos are valium, tranxene, ativan, xanax, and klonopin. 

    These meds have become slightly less popular for a few different reasons. Firstly, they are addictive. Secondly, they decrease alertness. Thirdly, they have certain long-term effects, primarily in memory, attention, and overall cognitive functioning. These effects can be permanent, regardless of whether the drugs are stopped. Can you guess how many of those Benzos I have tried? of the ones listed above only, I have tried all but xanax. These things are dangerous. They change your perception. 

    The hippocampus encodes memories based on emotional intensity. When you're on a benzo, it calms you and everything is just groovy. Decreases the intensity. What will you remember? How well will you function on the drug, and once discontinued? It also slows down your learning. You adapt more slowly because it slows down the neural transmissions via the GABA system. Benzos truly are dangerous. 

    When they talk about substance abuse and addiction... I was on a lot of meds by prescription. My use of prescription meds was not safe. That's why I talk about the meds. It's important that I talk about the meds. How dangerous they are. It reminds me not to take them. I still keep ativan. But only for when I need to go near hospitals. I can't go near memorial without freaking out. I was never into opioids, thank God. But drugs like benzos, alpha blockers, gabapentin, mirapex, and perhaps amantadine... some of these drugs are quite dangerous. clozapine numbed me out, making me unaware of how I was affecting others and how my mind was adapting to the world. Without natural emotional response, I wasn't learning about the world.

Gender Differences in Healthcare

    I think some people are missing the point. I needed a different perspective from medically perfectionist liberalized medicine. I wasn't getting the perspective I needed. I needed someone to point out the insanity of what was going on. And I found those people. I found them in a black female doctor, a male PA, two female LPCs, and a female NP internist. 

    These people are giving me that different perspective. Maybe I could have found more white male practitioners who could give me that perspective. Maybe not. But what I know for sure is that this has to stop. I picked people that were not part of the club on purpose. The meds weren't working out. I was misled. They weren't helping me. Now I'm on different ones. I have to keep in the middle, wherever that path is exactly. The doctors will always try. They can't help themselves. They need something to fix. Like a bored auto mechanic. I need people to stop trying to fix me. It's really run amuck. I can't imagine what my healthcare has cost in total. I need to focus on de-medicalizing my mind, unlearning what I was taught. Medication is definitely dangerous. I'm not actually trying to antagonize people. But I was misled about medication. It's dangerous. I was misled about Bipolar. I was misled about CBT and how men can be healthy as men. 

Courage

    Courage isn't just facing pain or uncertainty. Courage does also involve knowing when to say no. And that would be easier, if I wasn't raised to be addicted to liberalized medicine. 

    Do I know what the perfect middle ground is? Most definitely not. I do not. But what I am certain of, looking at my history, is that I was misled about what medicine can do. My body is too tired. Medically complex has got to be the body's way of saying "I can't keep doing this. I've got to slow it down. It's wearing me out." I've not been realistic. Whatever is or isn't wrong with me, I can't do the hospitals. God willing, I'll do whatever I can do, and I'll die peacefully. God willing, the world will back off angry so angry can back off too. 

    What I truly need is no more medicalized perfection and some privacy. Because to me this is Munchhausen's by proxy or something close to it. It's stressing me out. I need privacy. Medical complex trauma. You diagnosed it. It needs to stop. I know the doctors will find me. 

    I've got to focus on maintaining boundaries, minding my own business... accounting in limited amounts, and writing. Hopefully, Public Health is paying attention. To keep the kids safe from overmedicalization. Because I don't actually want to hurt myself or others, and the doctors weren't helping me. They're wasting public funding with this nonsense. Miseducated and misled. It has to stop. I need privacy and peace and quiet. That's what I need. 

Shelter in Place

 

    These storms get crazy sometimes. Interesting that the hospital uses the website. So I thought maybe giving them more information would help. But then I realized that's not what I need. I need to learn to shelter in place better, and let the storms pass. I need to get to know people in the community, not in the hospital. Hospitals aren't places for meeting people. 

    I need to let people in the community learn about me. I need to learn about them. I need to adapt. Because I'm tired of being "just" that disabled guy. I need some privacy and some peace. This isn't working, the whole shipping me from here to there to everywhere and trying every last therapy and drug. I've got to stay on the outside, in the community, doing what I can and not pushing too hard. That's why I firewalled my healthcare. That's why I stopped going out. Because I can't keep up with this. 

    The hospitals were a mistake. Bipolar was a mistake. It hasn't actually helped me. What I need, instead of meds labeled bipolar that do not lead to long term benefit or education for bipolar which teaches me the wrong things, is to go at a speed I can maintain. To not let others push me to do more than I can maintain. And maybe they can at least learn from my life as a case study of what not to do. Do not take a doctor's child and go gonzo with hospital insurance, medicate out the wazzoo and ship from state to state. WASTE OF MONEY. 

    Rather, give the child something they can realistically accomplish. Don't push them too hard. Let them be themselves. You won't end up with permanent disability and some miserable and bitter people that way. Otherwise, it's symptom whack a mole and hospital lottery all day long. Just like I can criticize public policy and still care about and support the actual work of the soldiers that protect us, I can criticize health policy and still care about and support the actual work of the health care workers. Because I know for a fact that they have better things to do then run circles for some doctor who wants to be med happy and perfectionist on hospital insurance. And when that insurance is no longer good and it doesn't pay so well, that strategy backfires. 

    AM I STARTING TO MAKE ANY SENSE YET? I sure hope so. Because my body is wearing out. It's been pushed too hard. And I can't fix it. The body doesn't work that way. You make it hard to believe in medicine with these policies. I sure hope someone is listening. Because we can't let this happen to our kids. We've got to slow down the med trains. It's not worth it. Not in the long run. Too much chaos. Not cost effective. We need to be more realistic about what we expect from medicine. The more these doctors talk, the more I have to shut my ears. Whatever you think you know, think again. 

Attention

I have some resentments regarding Healthcare that I need to move past. Funny thing is, the harder I try to avoid attracting attention, the more I seem to get. Like the doctor is always watching and the next hospital visit is just a breath away. I thought writing those poems for the hospitals would be like a goodbye. They weren't helping me. Not that much. They had already done what they could. I had been there enough. Yet they keep inviting me back. Maybe they'll ship me to Georgia next time. I'm sure GA dept of health would love that. 

I can't keep doing these hospitals. I don't have it in me. It just doesn’t make sense.  It does look like Munchousens or something. It makes no sense. You'd think I had cancer or something. And I definitely do not. They cant even agree on what the problem is, much less what to do about it. Just a bunch of short term, bandaid solutions. Alphabet soup diagnoses. I still like most of the people, but its hard to believe in the mission. Then they seem to resent my cynicism. But we'll see. 

I used to be an idealist. I can still play the part, but its hard to put the money where the mouth is. And it is hard to understand other people's perception of me. They surprise me all the time. Only lately not in good ways. Makes me wonder where this goes. It makes me nervous. Theres so much bitterness. Touch and go. Then they wonder why I don't speak. I wish the er would have respected my wishes and sent me home. Or at least told me the truth about the screwy lab results. Boggles my mind. We couldn't find anything? It makes no sense to lie like that. Unless they simply wanted to refuse treatment but couldn't legally do that. Of course they'll deny it. We're getting used to lies.

Missing

 I miss the people I used to know. Some of those people are still out there. But they have changed, and so have I. Some I haven't seen in years or decades. Some are dead. When the floods come, the ground is far beneath the waters. Some people think that being an adult means having the answers. Being strong and silent. Some people confuse violence with strength. But it amazes me to see a gentle person. It inspires me beyond imagining to see someone who doesnt need to be threatening. Someone who simply walks, and others follow. But its a burden when people come to expect greatness. Pride can be so ugly. Ive seen ugliness in many forms. Ive heard people praise God to high heaven and betray him in thier next breath. And that is more frightening then an atheist. A hypocrite. Not just a hypocrite, but such a gaslighting and insistent hypocrite. I hope to keep finding my way. Or I'll be talking to ghosts. And they make poor company after a while. I'm in the middle of something, I'm not sure what, or where it goes. I had trusted a life thati wasn't quite able to lead, thinking eventually I would grasp it. Now I am confident that whatever I may grasp, it will not be that which I thought it would be. I'm not sure why. I think i didn't know myself well enough.

1990s

I really liked the 90s. The 2000s. There was a slightly different climate. It seemed less jaded. Maybe its a generational thing. I think the dawn of the information technology age offered a lot of hope that didn't quite pan out. We learned a lot but we didn't like everything we learned. About technology. About free markets. And of course, covid came. And the dark side of social media. We were so hopeful with the end of the cold war. Now it looks like that didn't pan out. Hope can be mysterious. Fragile. Like trust. It can be taken for granted. Love has an unmistakable quality, but so does hate. Love is gentle and kind. Hatred is controlling. What scares me is when people wrap up thier hate in the guise of faith or love. I get tired of attracting the wrong attention. I've always held that anger back. Even in the 90s. Sometimes it shines through. I miss the past. I most definitely do. It wasn't great. But it certainly was less frightening. World is changing. I hope I can keep up.

Traits of a Coward

Cowards have certain traits in common.

1. They gang up on others

2. They always press the advantage

3. They don't apologize

4. They don't display vulnerability 

5. They don't volunteer

6. They revel in violence

7. They follow, they don't lead

8. They attack character rather then facts

9. Thier humor is not appropriate, but hateful

10. They don't listen unless they already agree

Quiet

 People say I'm strange, I think life is strange. I do find it confusing why people are so interested in what I do. I used to just blend. People didn't notice me so they didn't say anything. Then I start talking and wham! Suddenly what I say and do is so important. It is definitely easier to nod and smile but its empty. It's easier to go with the program. But I don't see the point. Then it gets into damned if you do, damned if you don't.  Gotta be just right. I most definitely am not Robin Williams.  I was simply a fan. He made me smile. Yes, I believe in God. Buti don't like to litigate God. I don't like to argue about what the Bible says. I don't think God is meant to create conflict. God is meant for loving thy neighbor. Just doesnt seem as common as its made out to be. Then I find everyone wanting to convert me. I guess by wearing my emotions so openly I invite that. My anger invites it. I get overwhelmed by a lot of attention. But for so long I kept quiet. It's hard to stay quiet. 

Politics

I'm going to have to stop keeping track of politics. It's gotten too difficult. Well... maybe just pay a little less attention. Life is about more then arguing. 

AI on boundaries

Boundaries are limits that individuals set for themselves and communicate to others, defining acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships, work, and personal life. They are essential for maintaining mental health, fostering healthy relationships, and preserving personal well-being. 

Types of Boundaries:

Physical Boundaries: These relate to personal space, touch, and comfort levels. 

Emotional Boundaries: These involve respecting and managing one's own emotions and not taking on the responsibility for others' feelings. 

Intellectual Boundaries: These pertain to respecting individual thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. 

Financial Boundaries: These involve setting limits on how much time, money, or resources are allocated to others. 

Workplace Boundaries: These relate to respecting work hours, responsibilities, and expectations. 

Importance of Boundaries:

Mental Health:

Boundaries help individuals protect their time, energy, and emotional well-being. 

Healthy Relationships:

Boundaries clarify expectations, reduce conflict, and promote mutual respect. 

Personal Safety:

Boundaries help individuals feel secure and safe in their interactions with others. 

Autonomy and Self-Respect:

Boundaries enable individuals to maintain their independence and assert their needs. 

Clarity and Communication:

Boundaries provide clarity in interpersonal interactions and reduce misunderstandings. 

Setting Boundaries:

Self-Awareness:

Understanding personal needs, values, and limits is crucial for setting effective boundaries. 

Clear Communication:

Clearly expressing boundaries to others is essential for ensuring understanding and respect. 

Consistency:

Maintaining boundaries consistently, even when challenged, is important for establishing them effectively. 

Self-Care:

Practicing self-care and prioritizing personal needs helps individuals maintain their boundaries. 

Elle

 Dear Elle,

    I genuinely struggle with my mind going in too many directions at the same time. People will be talking, and multiple times in a sentence I'll lose track of what they are saying. That's what I liked about you. I liked not needing so many words. God, it can be beautiful to only need a very few words. 

    Pretending to care becomes such an albatross. You always seemed to genuinely care. I still like to listen sometimes. I don't like listening to the same things anymore. I'm tired of trying to understand certain things. I'm tired of caring about some things. I wonder what to say or do much more then I actually do anything or say anything. 

    It's not even a choosing your battles thing, it's feeling simultaneously torn and apathetic. Wanting to say or do multiple things at once but also not any of them. When I was medicated on the clozapine it was like playing a musical instrument. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but it flowed so smoothly. Now it's fits and starts, and I seem to have more deliberate effect. 

    Maybe you didn't understand as well as I thought you did. I may never know. You had the intuition, though. I know you were able to read me. I can't just turn my mind off and on. I can't reprogram it. I need more sleep. I feel so disconnected, but there's things I don't want to remember. 

    I'm walking around in a daze. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking about the same things. There's no reset switch. Trust is all mixed up in that I don't know what people want, if I can give it, or if I even want to. The edges are a little smoother, but I feel brittle. I don't expect to always feel in control, but now I wonder when it is that I am in control. But supposedly that's the whole point. A lack of agency. Separation of thoughts and memories and skills. 

    The brain is a muscle, and it needs training like any muscle. But there seems to be something tangible between myself and others. A barrier. I come out of conversations thinking of everything that wasn't said. but it seems as though sensation returns more and more. Just not sure what to do about it. Where to take it. I feel compelled to do many things but unable to do much at all. Then I find myself asking myself what normal looks like. How much of each action the average person does. As if I can follow a formula for each moment. Living life like a computer with punch card instructions. 

    Sometimes when I talk to people it's like talking in an echo chamber. Like I'm simply agreeing with myself. Other times, it's like no connection at all. Just white noise. Life can be strange. 

   The wierd thing is how people cant seem to make up thier minds, but the way i see it, if my dx is bipolar then they want me to advocate but if its did they don't want me to advocate. Funny how that works. As if a dx code changes my life so dramatically. 

Ashes

Priority List

1. Stay away from excessive meds

2. Write

3. 1099 work

4. Maintain Home

5. Mind my own business

Elle

Dear Elle,

    I hope you are well. I'm sorry that I asked so much of you. Maybe when the past has faded, I could see you one last time. I just want to know that you understand. 

    Because I know you. I do know you. I know when I last saw you you were afraid. I could see it in your eyes. You didn't know what would happen to me. I want to know that you understand. I want you to see who I really am. You know how to find me. If you need me. 

    I got a lot lost. Some bad steps. Walking through the past. Can't stop thinking about that hospital. Everyday. Every single day. The same people. It's just weird. It does get easier. Haven't seen you in 5 years. 

Ashes

Fixations/Workaholism

 One thing that has been a repeating theme in my life is that of patterns. Change involves breaking patterns. Change can be good or bad. Sometimes it's just something different. Sometimes people aren't able to change. I still take a lot of medication. I have more say in that then I used to, thank God. 

But I seem rather stuck since 2022. It's difficult to maintain focus or conversations. Because my mind keeps going back to what happened. The very visual and auditory flashbacks have faded. I don't see And hear people from the past as much. I think of the same people day after day. Every single day. It's just wierd. Every single day. Same exact people. The drugs. They way they change people.  Sometimes only for a moment each. Sometimes again and again. I know these hospitals. I know what they do. I remember.