Shelter in Place

 

    These storms get crazy sometimes. Interesting that the hospital uses the website. So I thought maybe giving them more information would help. But then I realized that's not what I need. I need to learn to shelter in place better, and let the storms pass. I need to get to know people in the community, not in the hospital. Hospitals aren't places for meeting people. 

    I need to let people in the community learn about me. I need to learn about them. I need to adapt. Because I'm tired of being "just" that disabled guy. I need some privacy and some peace. This isn't working, the whole shipping me from here to there to everywhere and trying every last therapy and drug. I've got to stay on the outside, in the community, doing what I can and not pushing too hard. That's why I firewalled my healthcare. That's why I stopped going out. Because I can't keep up with this. 

    The hospitals were a mistake. Bipolar was a mistake. It hasn't actually helped me. What I need, instead of meds labeled bipolar that do not lead to long term benefit or education for bipolar which teaches me the wrong things, is to go at a speed I can maintain. To not let others push me to do more than I can maintain. And maybe they can at least learn from my life as a case study of what not to do. Do not take a doctor's child and go gonzo with hospital insurance, medicate out the wazzoo and ship from state to state. WASTE OF MONEY. 

    Rather, give the child something they can realistically accomplish. Don't push them too hard. Let them be themselves. You won't end up with permanent disability and some miserable and bitter people that way. Otherwise, it's symptom whack a mole and hospital lottery all day long. Just like I can criticize public policy and still care about and support the actual work of the soldiers that protect us, I can criticize health policy and still care about and support the actual work of the health care workers. Because I know for a fact that they have better things to do then run circles for some doctor who wants to be med happy and perfectionist on hospital insurance. And when that insurance is no longer good and it doesn't pay so well, that strategy backfires. 

    AM I STARTING TO MAKE ANY SENSE YET? I sure hope so. Because my body is wearing out. It's been pushed too hard. And I can't fix it. The body doesn't work that way. You make it hard to believe in medicine with these policies. I sure hope someone is listening. Because we can't let this happen to our kids. We've got to slow down the med trains. It's not worth it. Not in the long run. Too much chaos. Not cost effective. We need to be more realistic about what we expect from medicine. The more these doctors talk, the more I have to shut my ears. Whatever you think you know, think again. 

Attention

I have some resentments regarding Healthcare that I need to move past. Funny thing is, the harder I try to avoid attracting attention, the more I seem to get. Like the doctor is always watching and the next hospital visit is just a breath away. I thought writing those poems for the hospitals would be like a goodbye. They weren't helping me. Not that much. They had already done what they could. I had been there enough. Yet they keep inviting me back. Maybe they'll ship me to Georgia next time. I'm sure GA dept of health would love that. 

I can't keep doing these hospitals. I don't have it in me. It just doesn’t make sense.  It does look like Munchousens or something. It makes no sense. You'd think I had cancer or something. And I definitely do not. They cant even agree on what the problem is, much less what to do about it. Just a bunch of short term, bandaid solutions. Alphabet soup diagnoses. I still like most of the people, but its hard to believe in the mission. Then they seem to resent my cynicism. But we'll see. 

I used to be an idealist. I can still play the part, but its hard to put the money where the mouth is. And it is hard to understand other people's perception of me. They surprise me all the time. Only lately not in good ways. Makes me wonder where this goes. It makes me nervous. Theres so much bitterness. Touch and go. Then they wonder why I don't speak. I wish the er would have respected my wishes and sent me home. Or at least told me the truth about the screwy lab results. Boggles my mind. We couldn't find anything? It makes no sense to lie like that. Unless they simply wanted to refuse treatment but couldn't legally do that. Of course they'll deny it. We're getting used to lies.

Missing

 I miss the people I used to know. Some of those people are still out there. But they have changed, and so have I. Some I haven't seen in years or decades. Some are dead. When the floods come, the ground is far beneath the waters. Some people think that being an adult means having the answers. Being strong and silent. Some people confuse violence with strength. But it amazes me to see a gentle person. It inspires me beyond imagining to see someone who doesnt need to be threatening. Someone who simply walks, and others follow. But its a burden when people come to expect greatness. Pride can be so ugly. Ive seen ugliness in many forms. Ive heard people praise God to high heaven and betray him in thier next breath. And that is more frightening then an atheist. A hypocrite. Not just a hypocrite, but such a gaslighting and insistent hypocrite. I hope to keep finding my way. Or I'll be talking to ghosts. And they make poor company after a while. I'm in the middle of something, I'm not sure what, or where it goes. I had trusted a life thati wasn't quite able to lead, thinking eventually I would grasp it. Now I am confident that whatever I may grasp, it will not be that which I thought it would be. I'm not sure why. I think i didn't know myself well enough.

1990s

I really liked the 90s. The 2000s. There was a slightly different climate. It seemed less jaded. Maybe its a generational thing. I think the dawn of the information technology age offered a lot of hope that didn't quite pan out. We learned a lot but we didn't like everything we learned. About technology. About free markets. And of course, covid came. And the dark side of social media. We were so hopeful with the end of the cold war. Now it looks like that didn't pan out. Hope can be mysterious. Fragile. Like trust. It can be taken for granted. Love has an unmistakable quality, but so does hate. Love is gentle and kind. Hatred is controlling. What scares me is when people wrap up thier hate in the guise of faith or love. I get tired of attracting the wrong attention. I've always held that anger back. Even in the 90s. Sometimes it shines through. I miss the past. I most definitely do. It wasn't great. But it certainly was less frightening. World is changing. I hope I can keep up.