I have some personal business to resolve. It gets complicated. Because I do know my families rather well and I'm caught between them. The one family owns the building I live in and the other family owns the hospital and the building with the first family's name on it. Who is protecting whom, here?
They keep inviting me back to the IOP and the inpatient. I think of inpatient, and I think of World War One and trench warfare. We know each other too well. But part of me pictures a "Christmas ceasefire" type moment. A moment in which people come together to acknowledge that we're all human and that we don't want to fight anymore.
Another part of me sees them as too interested in protecting my family and not actually working for me. Funny thing is, I actually like Arson. Small is sweet. But what I need is to not be overmedicalized, not be caught between families, and focus on doing something productive in my own life on the outside. Being around my families destabilizes the heck out of me. Far too many appearances to maintain. I thought I was free but in fact I am very controlled.
I'm worried that if I went inpatient, it would become a legal battle. They've already been threatening. Some staff refuse to work with me. There's only one person that is 100% independent. And both families hate her. Because both families fight over me. The biological one and the corporate one. It makes no sense. And I've tried DSS and FBI and no one wants to do anything.
So, the ball comes back to me. A lot of lives were saved at that hospital. And I'm glad for that. But my families are rather addicted. I feel like I need more alone time. I need to continue to try to focus on myself and my home. Being around one family makes me physically sick at this point.
If I'm applying game theory... the outpatient program creeps me out because I have to go near MIP without being in MIP. Weird how that works. Being in MIP, it depends on the communication. Hopefully, I can give the medication more time. If I can avoid my families and do well on current medication, I think that would be best for everyone. Because there's a lot of resentment around me. Maybe given time, we can desensitize, and we can all move on.
It's just that there's certain people that I trust their advice. Some of them work for the hospital. I just don't like going near the place. Too much history. I don't understand my families. I'm worried about spending time around any of the people that I have known.
Sometimes I do think about moving. Sometimes it seems like the best solution is to leave. Let my families fight without me in the mix. Maybe they'll have less to fight about. It's so weird because so much of this is in the past and yet I'm not the only one holding on. They want to hold onto and memorialize the legacy and if I don't pay absolute fealty to the myths and legends then it's blasphemy.
I need to stay out of this dynamic, but on the outside. I need to take care of my home and make some money and find someone. I'm getting much too old for this. People are getting bitter. And if I can't focus on my own work and my own personal business, then I'm no good to anyone.
