The reality is that I was trying to be the perfect son and I failed. The reality is that we didn't know then what we do now about DID. The reality is that this can't be about vengeance. The reality is that I need to make something positive of this. But with better boundaries that do not include my family or the hospital system choosing my providers for me. Better boundaries that do not include drawing people into my business or allowing them to do as they please.
Strength is about forgiveness and self-reliance, not blame and dependence.
Vengeance is not strength. Forgiveness is strength. I need to forgive. I can't forget, though. I have to remember in order to make sure I don't repeat the past.
I cant keep going back to the hospital. I'm legit worried what they might do. I need to see beyond. I need to decrease the darkness. I need to understand what I CAN do. I keep fading out. And its wearing on people. I need to understand better. I'm getting too focused on the dark. This is getting confusing.
The hospital needs to try harder to coordinate care. They didn't even try.
I feel like I need to set more realistic expectations. Remind people that whatever you call what I have, with the number of hospitals I've been to, there's something seriously wrong. They just don't agree on what it is. Some call it cPTSD, others DID, some insist that they don't believe in either and they want to call it bipolar. But whatever you do or do not call it, it's a serious problem.
I keep trying to think that people want to help. But most of them just want to bury it. They find it amusing at first, kinda novel, then they hate it and want to bury it.
Now I'm no longer Prichard's demon, I'm my families' demon. The one they couldn't fix. There's simply not enough metaphors for this.
They say the definition of insanity (or is it stupidity?) is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I keep going to the hospital expecting different results. It doesn't make sense.
I can't blame my families. I have to do this independently. Not rely on the hospital so much. Give them some breathing room.
They did such a good job the time before last. I have to hold that in my memory. Try to keep it fresh. I have to hold onto the good. They worked so hard. Elle was amazing. She always looked out for me. I have to remember the good eggs. There's so many good eggs. I have to remember them. But I can't rely on them too much.
