Dear Elle

Dear Elle,

I hope you are welle! Life has gotten quieter round here.  Still looking for work. I'm glad you were there. You just had a way. Life is different off clozaril. For sure. But i have a good feeling. I hope I'm right. Life can throw all sorts of twists and turns. We'll have to see!

Your devoted fan

Ashes

Addiction and abuse

    If I meet the definition of addiction, then I've been addicted since I was a teenager. Antipsychotics, benzos, off labels, all kinds. Well, not pain pills, or illegals. When I say off label, I refer more to things like Namenda, Aricept, amantadine, Mirapex, gabapentin, minipress. Stuff like that. And I used to go to support groups for mood disorders, but that only helps so much. And it turns out I don't function without these pills. I struggle to see the difference to taking pills for almost anything and addiction.  Some people simply can't function without meds and its sad but true. Most of the people I know take medication for something. 

    I've also seen abuse. If you work at Crisis Line, SafeHarbor, Julie Valentine, OF COURSE YOU KNOW. HELLO!?!? Duh. Three and a half years??? Abuse can take several forms. There's emotional abuse, substance abuse, sexual abuse and physical abuse. Emotional abuse includes things like guilt or shame loading, yelling, threatening, manipulating, lying, and gaslighting. Poor boundaries. 

    What I don't understand about addiction is singling people out like was done at MIP. As if that is helpful. But like I said at MIP, if I consider myself addicted, it's definitely the pills. So many kinds. Extremely rarely have I taken them outside of guidelines, but with three ODs to date, of course I have. That's on record. It's what they call High Risk Medication Use. My concern is the prescription pills. I have to be careful with them. But the doctors have known that for years, and they have removed Spravato. 

    Anyways, the counseling helps me understand these things in ways that support groups, sponsors, and programs do not. Otherwise, I'm sure the hospitals would have figured it out by now. 

Ryter

     I've tried playing around with Ryter a bit, but so far I'm not thrilled. I feel that it dilutes my voice and makes me sound bland. I think it will be more helpful for when I have a passage that I know only very basics of what I want. In that case it can give me something to work with and fine tune into what I'm really trying to say. But as far as refining or editing what I already have or completely coming up with something from scratch, that's not what it does for me. 

Clozaril

    The thing about Clozapine is that it numbed me out really good. Which had both positive and negative effects. It desensitized me so that I wasn't as aware. Which is bad. But made me numb to so many negative emotions. Long term, it was not working. I wasn't processing and developing the keenness of insight that I needed to be effective. 

Why i think processing is important

    I think processing is important because it helps me to be more deliberate about decisions. To look before I leap. Looking back, what I should have done before calling 911 was to take the Ativan. Or if I could have managed the er triggers better, I could have peed and gone home. Either way, stopping Spravato was necessary. Definitely. That stuff surprised me. I definitely feel more cautious about medication. But I'm glad to have more of a say in it then I used to. That sense of control is a relief. 

Hydroxzine

    Hydroxzine is an antihistamine used for anxiety, sedation, and allergies. The doctor said that I can take as little as 25 and as much as 100mg for anxiety. I find that 100 puts me to sleep but 25 barely touches it. For me, the sweet spot is right between 50 and 75. When I'm overwhelmed, that amount helps bring me back into flow. I like it because unlike the benzos, to my knowledge there is no notable addictive quality, no cognitive decline, and it doesn't disinhibit behavior the same way. 

Traffic Control

    I'm not sure where the intersection is between mainstream and DID therapy, but I'm thinking that part of it lies in cuing. If 3 does the guitar and I want to practice, then I block off an hour for 3. Switching is important, so I should make sure I'm scheduling some time for each. I get so overwhelmed with planning tasks. I freeze from the get-go. I sit and stare. Starts and stops. What's worse is when someone tries to take over. Then I move towards panic or fight flight. 

    In the hospital I just shut down. I could see people weren't listening, so I didn't engage. No point. I didn't have the energy or strength to fight them. I don't know what Gullet thought. We barely spoke. McClinton was frantic, but I was dissociative. Not totally there. I know she tried. There wasn't much they could do. Not in that environment. Quetiapine reduced the symptoms, but I had too many adverse effects. So now aripiprazole. And counseling to think through the rest. 

Trouble focusing

    In the mornings, while I have ritalin, i do more, but still more slowly then I used to. More thinking about what I'm doing. Then as the time goes by I slow down. At times i have trouble starting and maintaining tasks. Other times its like my mind is spinning in circles. Getting up to do something, forgetting what I was doing or not finding what i needed to do it. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Spinnnnnnnnn.

    Other times I get stuck on the same activity. The abilify helps with anger and extreme thoughts. The ritalin helps with shifting and maintaining focus. Mirtazapine helps sleep. Buproprion and desenfaxaline depression and anxiety. Propranolol helps abilify side effects. 

    I applied to several part time positions back they came back no. Theres one more then previously expressed interest that im going to apply to. Im waiting to hear back from a marketing firm. I'm continuing to expand social media presence and work on writing. I have more laundry and organizing lined up. I need to find my label maker. 

    I have to get some laundry done and straighten up before tomorrow. Then I have to go to the store and get some gin for the chicken wing recipe. Lots to do. I have more social anxiety then I used to. But the depression is doing very well. Very well. It's more the cognitive issues. 

Dissociation NOS

     Ah, Social Security. I remember what they based my disability off of. They called it Psychosis NOS (Not Otherwise Specified). Now they occasionally try to call it Bipolar, but they disagree on the typing. They don't recognize the differences. But Dissociation is based on life events that cause your brain to disconnect from reality. 

    Sometimes when I get really angry, I disconnect. And it looks like Psychosis. Fortunately, I recognize the disconnect. I recognize the extreme ideas as such. I stop myself from acting on extreme ideas. It's like "shutting down". Some people find it funny. They like to laugh at my pain. It makes them feel big and powerful. Such people are pathetic and sadistic. Others can recognize that such things are inappropriate. They react with more compassion and intelligence. 

Medications

Medications can be a lot to deal with. But we're almost where we need to be. If we get this stimulants fine tuned, then the only remaining issue is to see if the propranolol can be discontinued so that I can do immunotherapy for my allergies. Then I want to write about my experiences with thc and spravato. Spravato was particularly alarming in some of its effects. It was more different from ketamine then I anticipated. I don't think I will miss it. Do I regret trying it? 🤔 Maybe. It definitely changed my perception. But that's a story for another time.

4th

Tomorrow is Independence day! I'll be attempting to make a batch of chicken wings and not think about hospitals or medical. It'll be nice. 

Today's Lessons

     From what I understand, today we'll be learning more about trust, but also about not going too many directions at once and which directions to focus on. This has been an issue with my LLC. At least I eliminated the technology part. That's a start. Then I'll probably work on the remaining directions to focus on and do the actual running on the elliptical because so far it's been mostly yoga and stretching. 

    I've got to do a better job of keeping my head clear today, it keeps going back to MIP. I had some ulcer symptoms and the GI PA recommended Gaviscon or maybe caratega (sp?) but I don't think that will be necessary. I'm reducing stress and further adjusting my eating per the internist. I need to be less literal with some of the instructions they give me. 

Ok, today I started with some body awareness. Stretching and balance exercises. I'm moving into some yoga and mindfulness. 

Dear me,

We haven't been so together lately. Maybe we work on that? You know, we haven't really had fun in a while. When was the last time we really laughed? We've been so spacey. The meds seem better, but the ritalin seems to be doing both the intensity thing and the up and down thing. Though it helps us read and plan. Hopefully it will settle out. These ads better start placing soon or we're going to have to pick a bone with adsense. Bills to pay. 

Maybe another exercise day would do us good!

Us

SLEEP!

     I'm finally getting a little more sleep!! As much as 7.5 hours last night! Numbers for the website are down a little. I guess less crazy is less interesting.