Big Picture

    I really hope people are starting to get the big picture. That overmedication is not ok. Abuse is not OK. Harassment is not ok. That whatever my problem is, carting me off from this hospital to that hospital and medicating the life out of me is not helpful. It's not helpful to force me to talk to lawyers and mental health staff. It's not helpful to inspire me to contact DSS or FBI or SCDHEC or the MEDICAL BOARD regardless of what my problem is. 

    Whatever my problem is or isn't, some people aren't healthy together. I think, at a bare minimum, the entirety of the upstate mental health community can agree, as numerous ones already have, that I have unhealthy relationships and certain people need to stay out of my life. For the good of this community. For its safety and security. We are not good in combination. I've got to relearn a few things. Just leave it alone. Let it rest. Just leave people be. Let ok be ok. We need to all take some big steps back and try to forget.

    Let it all go. Permanently. Let's not repeat patterns. Let's not go back to the same people. Let's not threaten or hurt anyone. Just let it rest. Keep South Carolina safe. Peaceful. Quiet. Part of that is leaving me be. At least until these two people, and thier respective teams and consultants (which includes multiple mds) say otherwise. If every shrink with a name up the East Coast has already tried, and these two teams believe i should stay home, then maybe I should do that. The cat is doing well. He's been in such good spirits. Happy as a clam most of the time. I get upset at times. I start pacing and I get lost in my mind. Just leave it alone. 

    These people are helping me. Let them do that. They're doing well. Don't make me talk to lawyers, DSS, anyone else. I don't like doing it. And if I have to go to a hospital, don't threaten me. It's not a good idea.

Drug Demons

Something that hadn't occurred to me until recently is how interesting people seem to find me. It was rather disconcerting at first. Being the last born of educated parents can affect the mind. Sometimes, people don't realize and make it worse.

If you get the wrong types of attention, it can distort the mind. Interpretation can run amuck. It's easy to get labeled bipolar, especially if you're male. Doesn't mean the label is helpful or the medications either. Highly perfection oriented populations can misdiagnose so easily. Distorting someone's perception of the world and themselves isn't hard to do. Creating chaos, through highly traumatic events or through unpredictable and varied demands will create people with many talents and little consistency. It will make them act bipolar. No chemicals required. They will rise and fall and be agents of chaos, because that is what they were taught. You don't have to go to McClean to know what messed up is. While some dx's like DID are rare and not well understood, they are not so rare in fact. Because these problems, they have like problems, and some hide better then others. The symptoms shine through. For DID and borderline, it's those patterns. Very well defined patterns. Reinforced patterns. Locking up people with patterns is like locking a bunch of thieves in an art museum. What will they learn from each other while gazing on valuable things they cannot have?  How will they heal? There's a few dozen geniuses with psych MDs that are so incredibly allergic to the truth. They can't see how they are part of the problem. They don't want to see. They want the reputation and money. It's sad. Promoting drugs and finding problems with people. It's truly sad. They may think I'm the insect they couldn't quite kill or stop from buzzing. But I am the warning. I am the warning of what fault finding can bring. Now they need to see that reflection. So the world can be safer. Demonizing people creates exactly that: demons. Drugged, useless demons. So great job guys, I'm sure we all appreciate it.

Physical

I've moved from a deep freeze to semi freeze and now i seem to shift between a mild fight state and mild shutdown. The fight state involves more GI upset and increased BP and temperature. 

They call it polyvagal theory. The engagement zone, the freeze zone, the fight zone. There's much more detail but I'm still learning the truth and unlearning the Bipolar bullshit and toxic masculinity. But I truly was screwed over by psychiatrists addicted to their own ideas of importance, ignoring red flags, overprescribing, and endangering this community with limited understanding of fight/flight symptoms, dinosauric theory, and a list of patented drugs that numb and alter behavior.  I helped them do it. I'm no longer helping them. There are others that are numbed and walking around with their issues. That ignore their reality.

Sometimes medication is necessary. It should be used with caution. Men aren't dangerous unless they are taught to be dangerous. And even then, they have to choose. Different men make different choices.

Patience

I struggle with patience. A traumatic event on top of a sudden increase in awareness is not a recipe for understanding. Being highly analytical is not a recipe for patience. The memory blocks and processing problems make tasks difficult. I'm too eager to engage. I slip into complacency. I look around and I see denial almost everywhere. People dripping with ignorance and yet only too sure of themselves. People with letters engaging in fits of incompetence and then disappointed at the results. Thinking that surely it's not that hard. Thinking that they are special. Thinking that they can see through the issues and fix me. It's not that it amuses me to see them fail or even that I want them to fail. I'm just amazed that they are wasting thier energy and engaging in such delusions. They called Prichards the magic maker. Now everyone wants to fix me and no one can. They wonder how I learned to idealize and engage in delusions when they themselves taught me line by line. They wonder if this "Bipolar" simply dropped down from heaven. They don't have the patience to realize that they themselves are human, they themselves make mistakes and fail. They want to demonize me but can't look in the mirror. I wonder why. I could be more patient if they weren't so full of shit themselves. Some of the changes in me are long term. Others are relatively permanent. There is no fixing me. The brain still has plasticity. Let it rest. Don't play with fire. And I will work on thoughts, emotions, and routines. Forget diagnoses. Forget medical solutions. Forget trying to manage me. Leave me be. Give me peace. I'll give you the same. I need quiet. That more then anything.

Thermometer

10. Rage

Psychosis like behavior. Defensive, abrupt, sometimes paranoia. Visual changes, fading out, hearing changes, faraway. Ranting. Intense fear.

9. Fury, hostile, closed. No longer listening.

8. Anger, impatient

^ Danger ^

7. Cautious, Irritable

6. Nervous/Alarmed

5. Overstimulated/stressed

^ Too activated ^

4. Peak, headache, fatigue, losing focus

3. Engrossed

2. Pleasant engagement 

^ Productive ^

1. Unoccupied, attentive, curious

0. Bored/tired. Slightly dreamy. Adhd like.

FBI

So I rather regret filing a report with the FBI. I have a sneaking suspicion that my report is very related to the internet disruptions and password reset requests that day. So my professionals are getting used to having conversations with state and federal agencies... the local police can breathe a sigh of relief. The same people that want me to shut up know county and state officials pretty damn well. Extremely well. Unfortunately they can't control the medical board or federal officials... but I'm not law enforcement I'm just pissed off. So again, it's really a bad idea to know me unless I contact you. It attracts the wrong kind of attention. Let it alone. Don't worry about DSS. Worry about DEA and FBI instead. I'm trying to keep myself physically intact and mentally functional, help the local hospitals figure out how we got into this mess. Keep people safe. And maybe the federal government doesnt mind so much giving me some disability and some insurance, if it keeps me healthy and keeps some dirty doctors in line... maybe they come to appreciate that actually... but they probably prefer not to get contacted... so, speaking on behalf of the FBI, please don't contact me without permission. It's not a good idea. Thank you. Please don't threaten me. It's not a good idea. There are jails for some things.

Side Effects

Almost every time I talk to a non-professional who knew the medicated me I get the distinct impression that people want me to shut the hell up and medicate. Such desires have side effects. Insisting on seeing someone through a lens of medicated perfection is a distortion of reality. I get it. I kinda liked the old me. But that's how I got here. Medically complex, permanently disabled unless I learn to deal with emotions differently (near as an honest professional will tell me), unable to maintain relationships... unable to maintain jobs... a medicated perfectionism. Oh, you'll be damn strong... miserable, and unstable. You have to deal with the emotions and set boundaries, or you'll drown in pills and anger and there will be no help for you on this earth. So I strongly advise anyone who knew the old me to avoid contact unless I contact you. Oh I'm full of ideas, you made me that way... not all of them are good ones... the local hospitals and I are engaged in some learning... leave it be. Or people as far off as Singapore just might understand the dangers of overprescription and poor boundaries. I like this state. I like it quiet, safe, peaceful. I'm planning to keep it that way... but I need to work with these hospitals, improve my health and hopefully keep them from endangering the population. I especially want to discourage medical professionals yet again from contacting me directly, indirectly, or by soothsayer unless they are on a treatment team... that would be extremely poor judgment. 

Gratitude

What am I grateful for?

Knowledge...

People...

Food...

Home...

Rest...

Spring...

Peace.