Sometimes When I'm very dissociative I start laughing and crying at the same time. It reminds me of that purple heart guy. Sometimes When things build up you just go in different directions at the same time. Like that joker character. Wierd type of angry sad overwhelmed
Sunday, May 11, 2025
Invisible friend
I've met many people who have heard voices. There was this one guy on CL. He had a female hallucination that he was friends with. I don't remember his name or the hallucinations name. But it was interesting listening to him talk about thier relationship. It seemed strange at the time. But I was heavily medicated. Now I have several. I don't consider them friends. They're parts of me.
So sometimes I hear voices... one sounds like a sort of cyborg...
One sounds like an angry old man
One sounds more like a young woman
One sounds like an adult woman
One sounds like a kid
One doesnt have a particular sound
One sounds more like the me I've know most my life
And the last sounds like a young man
They have songs too...
Tired
Spidey get obberwhelmed. Ebbyday, Spidey say, DIS WILL BE DI THREAD TO RAVEL ALL COBWEBS! ... den its just a bunch ob tred.
Mistake vs Failure
Everyone makes mistakes. A mistake isn't failure until the end.
I'm 43. At 17,18, and 19 I tried to kill myself. Those were mistakes. Somehow, I'm still here.
at 40, Prichards went gonzo with tons of different meds and I had bought a gun and all sort of shit. So there were mistakes. To different degrees, we made them together. But I'm not dead yet.
at 43. I'm still here. So in fact, I HAVE NOT FAILED YET. I have made mistakes. We all make mistakes. I've made some pretty dramatic ones. And as much as I may be angry,
See when I started my life, my first desire as a kid was to be a cop. Parents wouldn't have it. So it moved through programming to teaching back to IT then to psychology, then back to IT then Accounting then I tried to apply to the IRS and to the FBI (forensic accountant), then this medical blew up. Then I had to think. And I did more accounting. Then I started writing again, and it was to make a book, then I got back into poetry, then I decided that since I seem to be stuck here and unable to keep the tax job stable (too seasonal), and since I'm on govt money, I want to write about greenville. But not just about me personally, but about the city and the county in a more rounded way.
See I've been around different folk. Europe. Central America. Alaska. SE. Unfortunately not Africa or Asia, unless you count St. Petersburg, which I think is still technically europe. Anyways, not just different places, different types. Crisisline, Austen Riggs, MA, Psych hospitals... you meet all kinds of folks... my jobs in IT, tax, and retail. Clemson. Tech. I've been around dirt poor. I've been around filthy rich. Different cultures and ethnicities. I don't know everything. But I've had a lot of exposure. Some people should keep that in mind. Thinking they are the ultimate repository of knowledge. I've been around so many Phds, MDs, and sorts... no one knows everything. So another thing I'm trying to do is help some people learn to shut their traps. Y'all created me. Be Proud. So hopefully I can do that. My energy does seem to be limited, and my learning capacity is slowing down.
Anyways, The thing is, though myself and the people I've worked with have made mistakes, the truth is none of us has actually failed just yet. That's what got me to keep going. Not revenge. Because we're all still alive, most of us... so... we haven't failed yet. So that got me started on what Arson called "OH GREAT, HE WANTS TO BE STUDIED". That's actually a pretty good idea. See, we can still make this work. So now we're learning together. Me, PRISMA, the old guard, and South Carolina. Maybe we can do something special. Aside from threats and lawsuits and stuff. Maybe we can influence people to be responsible with medical care, eat more healthy, think more independently, be more positive. Even when we're angry. Anyways, I hate to mention the name on the building thing but, fact is, so long as it's there, it's hard to shut me up. So I get to criticize. I'll get heat for it. But. I'm also getting heat for not doing it. Can't please everyone. See, it is, like my sister said, OK to be angry. It's OK to have emotions. It really is. We are not robots. Though I think I've moved down a bit from 10 to about a 6. Maybe 5. But like the counselor explained... it's not one and done. It's not a one way road. I'm going to have different emotions at different intensities and that intensity will go up and down. Contrary to Prichards belief, I am in fact not dangerous, I do get to make decisions, I get to have feelings, I get to have a life. Because if I am anyone's property, I am federal property. Country first. Then South Carolina. Not that I like what the federal govt is doing right now. But I'd to avoid politics. There's plenty of places for that.
Control
I hope I'm getting the point across that trying to control people or make ridiculous amounts of money is bad. That circling the wagons and groupthink is self-destructive in the end. That cover ups are bad. Because if you still think that no one is trying to cover something up, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING INTELLIGENCE. I'm just waiting for a judge to rule on this once and for all. So people will stop fucking around with each other and with the medical system. That my fucking life mission. Fing DEAL WITH IT. I get to have emotions too. You don't have to be around them. It's not a prerequisite. No one is God. NO ONE. So in a sense I am religious. Because I believe that God has given me this mission. To keep certain damn people in their fucking places. As publicly as they make necessary. To keep this state quiet and safe. Cuz this is so stupid. And I had help getting me here. MIP. Didn't teach boundaries. Didn't have independence. Prichards. That Psychologist that taught at Furman. Prick. Certain people I've been close to. Some people just have no sense. But it catches up to you. So now I am property of Greenville, SC and the Federal Govt. Everyone else needs to fuck off. Don't make me repeat myself. It's too late to shut me up. You can evict me. You can do that. Other than that. Not much else. So please do not read this if it upsets you. And do not weaponize this site. But use it to help yourself or entertain yourself. Responsibly. Then mind your fucking business. And i'll continue to repeat key words so people get the point. Not because I like to. But so people get the point. It's so fucking ridiculous you're making me do this. But we all get here. We're here now. Right here. So. Let's make the best of that. Separately. Be intelligent. I know you can do it. I have FAITH. You CAN MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS. Repeat after me. I will shut the fuck up. Good. Now. I will mind my own damn business and not fuck around with other people's business. Good. I will not force medicate or manipulate someone else's healthcare. Now Repeat those three statement 27 times. If you have any questions, consult a priest.
Ridiculous
Ridiculous (noun): Beyond understanding or unexplainable.
Examples:
Gossip trees reporting on one person throughout the community
Having to publish one's medical information online because the medical system ran amuck
A family obsessed with medicine
Getting rich off drugs (legal ones)
Promoting drugs for conditions with flimsy numbers
Having to ask the FBI to monitor your communications and contact your treatment team
Threatening people over their relationship with someone else
Treating someone like they are your property
Reading things you don't like and then bitching about them but then insisting on continuing to read
Illegal activity
Threatening jail for showing up at a hospital
Threatening restraining orders for the same
Manipulating someone else's health care decisions
Operating a family like a cult
Repeatedly invading someone else's business AFTER REPEATED WARNINGS
Being robotic
Psychiatry
saying shit like "well you can pass any test if you take it enough" DUH. hello?
Opening your mouth when it doesn't need to be open.
Trying to erase someone's mind or manipulate them through unwanted education, ECT, or ridiculous prescriptions
Continuing to practice medicine when you fucked up so badly that someone is going from hospital to hospital to try to fix this shit.
Fixating on gender or orientation
Not taking the hint after the 586th warning.
Thinking you know so much that you just can't help but spout your mouth off the same person over and over long after they tell you to fuck off.
Doctors
Having to repeating the same message 5000 times or in multiple languages and dialects.
Needing to use the world as witnesses so certain people will fuck off
Permanent disability... especially when if someone is just left the fuck alone, they might be just fine.
Not minding your own business.
Shipping someone across states because they're not quite perfect and you wanna give it another go
locking up family and expecting them to be happy about it.
Not moving on. Individually. Or expecting another person to move in the direction you want.
Not understanding that life doesn't go as planned and sometimes people go in different directions
Thinking that biology or medication or religion independently determine everything exclusive of experience.
Simplistic thinking in general.
Being so jealous of someone that you can't help but fuck with them. Especially if they are broke and alone. It makes no sense.
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