For Elle

You know that love is meant to be
A gift of grace that lasts forever
And I'm glad you were there by me
To help me keep myself together

You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind, in my heart
In my soul

You're a leader in my life
You're the inspiration
You give reasons for my life
You're the inspiration

Wanna have you hear me
I wanna have you hear me sayin'

You were there when I needed you, it's true
And I know, yes I know that I need it plain to see
How you helped keep me together
And I know that could not be just me
Whom you helped to learn to shine

You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind, in my heart
In my soul

You're a leader in my life
You're the inspiration
You give reasons for my life
You're the inspiration

Wanna have you hear me
I wanna have you hear me sayin'
You were there when I needed you, it's true
And I know, yes I know that I need it plain to see
How you helped keep me together
And I know that could not be just me
Whom you helped to learn to shine

You're a leader in my life
You're the inspiration
You give reasons for my life
You're the inspiration

When you save somebody
Through the weight of time
You kept my spirit alive
When you save somebody through the weight of time
When you save somebody
Always on my mind

Skye

     Skye came to me when I was 17. She was there to help me. When I was alone, I always had Skye. She was quiet. She listened and gave me the words I needed. She was gentle and kind. Wise. Like an angel. I didn't tell anyone about Skye until I was 39, I think. But I put her in my stories. I put her in The Keepers of the Dragon, some stories I wrote when I was a teenager. 

Inspired

    I feel these experiences have inspired me in some way to dig deeper into my compassion. I just hope I have what this world needs. Because you never know what comes next. No one can predict the future. We can only learn from the past. Hopefully, we're learning. 

Understanding

    I feel like I have to remind myself daily to not expect people to understand. Just like some of the things I heard on Crisisline, SH, and JV seemed beyond understanding, there are parts of my life that other people might not understand. I can't expect understanding. What I can do is to keep my business to myself in the real world. The whole "don't spread your trauma" thing that MIP was going on about. I've got to focus on my writing and on getting my business going and finding someone. I can't afford distractions. I trust the outpatient team. That's enough. 

Sarah

Dammit, she's breaking into hospitals again!

 

Zee Hospitals will never look for me here!

Jess

 Please try to understand... He's not normally like this!

 

They're onto me!

 

Garlic!!?!? Volly, how could you?!?!

 

Vhat Rhymes with Phlebotomist??? Agggh... the keys keep sticking!

Spidey keeps di score

MIP 12ish?

SB 2

Ccbh 1

Mcclean 2

Lost and Rigged 1

Spidey ... still heer... !!!

Spidey

SPIDEY DUDENT KNEAD DI UDDERS! Molly look out for Spidey ebbyday. 

Dear Elle

Dear Elle,

I hope you are welle! Life has gotten quieter round here.  Still looking for work. I'm glad you were there. You just had a way. Life is different off clozaril. For sure. But i have a good feeling. I hope I'm right. Life can throw all sorts of twists and turns. We'll have to see!

Your devoted fan

Ashes

Addiction and abuse

    If I meet the definition of addiction, then I've been addicted since I was a teenager. Antipsychotics, benzos, off labels, all kinds. Well, not pain pills, or illegals. When I say off label, I refer more to things like Namenda, Aricept, amantadine, Mirapex, gabapentin, minipress. Stuff like that. And I used to go to support groups for mood disorders, but that only helps so much. And it turns out I don't function without these pills. I struggle to see the difference to taking pills for almost anything and addiction.  Some people simply can't function without meds and its sad but true. Most of the people I know take medication for something. 

    I've also seen abuse. If you work at Crisis Line, SafeHarbor, Julie Valentine, OF COURSE YOU KNOW. HELLO!?!? Duh. Three and a half years??? Abuse can take several forms. There's emotional abuse, substance abuse, sexual abuse and physical abuse. Emotional abuse includes things like guilt or shame loading, yelling, threatening, manipulating, lying, and gaslighting. Poor boundaries. 

    What I don't understand about addiction is singling people out like was done at MIP. As if that is helpful. But like I said at MIP, if I consider myself addicted, it's definitely the pills. So many kinds. Extremely rarely have I taken them outside of guidelines, but with three ODs to date, of course I have. That's on record. It's what they call High Risk Medication Use. My concern is the prescription pills. I have to be careful with them. But the doctors have known that for years, and they have removed Spravato. 

    Anyways, the counseling helps me understand these things in ways that support groups, sponsors, and programs do not. Otherwise, I'm sure the hospitals would have figured it out by now. 

Ryter

     I've tried playing around with Ryter a bit, but so far I'm not thrilled. I feel that it dilutes my voice and makes me sound bland. I think it will be more helpful for when I have a passage that I know only very basics of what I want. In that case it can give me something to work with and fine tune into what I'm really trying to say. But as far as refining or editing what I already have or completely coming up with something from scratch, that's not what it does for me.