Hatred

Dear Elle,

    It's too bad you weren't there. I don't know what they have told you. I don't know what you believe. But they are filling my head with hatred and bullshit. Maybe they think I deserve it. Maybe they think they are teaching me a "lesson". I think the hospital is failing. Badly. Missing the whole damn point. 

    Hatred does not heal a person. Threats and drugs do not heal a person. Lying does not heal a person. Missing the whole damn point. I'm getting lost here. I wish you had been there. I wish I would have recognized Small but I don't think I wanted to. I did not want to be back in that hospital. Now they want me to try again. Again. This is beyond ridiculous. I used to feel safe there. And you would watch over me. Now I have trouble staying present. Fading out. I hate the fading out. I don't know what they are doing. You always had a better way.

I think threatening each other with legal action is not the way to go. Demonizing me, making me afraid of my meds, not the way to go. Shipping me to other hospitals or states, not the way to go. Fix your damn problems. Stop teaching bullshit. Then I won't have to be the one you couldn't fix. A failure on the part of the student is a failure of the teacher.

Talk some sense into them. 

Ashes

Molly says Spidey kneads less anger before he hab his black widow. Maybe she'll be a nurse. or a doctor. Or a... writer. or a teacher. Maybe a dance instructor.

Purpose

    Occasionally I need to remind myself of purpose, because experience has taught me that I cannot always rely on others to do so. I'm trying to help. Help myself. Help others. Interdependent decisions. Not destruction. Real, actual help. 

    I have to remind myself that a lot of lives were saved at that hospital. I guess it makes people sad. To see someone fall. And Angry. I can understand that. But I struggle to understand the desire to bury what happened on Woodruff road. I struggle to understand a life supporting my families when they want to demonize me when I didn't write those prescriptions. 

    I do want those records. I want to know how many times that man deliberately and recklessly ignored safety guidelines around prescriptions. If you're complaining to YOUR OWN PATIENTS that the state is coming after you for your drugs, exactly who are we helping by burying his actions? Who? Everyone but me? Really? Is it safe to let doctors bury this shit? I don't think so.

    I think I have to remind myself that I was supporting some people who were doing some good. And they say there's the memory problems and the cognitive problems. I need to be ok with ok. That's what I need to do. I just want them to observe a few days. See if the medicine that the outpatient started is doing what it needs to do. And not monkey around too much. Because we did so well the time before. 

Calm the Waters

Wind and rain and dust and flood

Hurricanes descend from above

And so an angel extends a hand

To save the last of hope and love.

Water churning in pools of denial

To cheer the empty hero

Calm the waters once again

And drop the anger down below

Where the feathers fly again across the lonely lands

I cannot find my hero now

He fled with all his plans.

When all the states hospitals and medicinemen

Cannot revive bipolar again

Where then dost thou cast the blame?

Reflect it back and find your shame.