Cocky

    Some people are cocky. They like to tear other people down. I met a few in the hospital. It was sad. See, in life, we are meant to pay attention to what we are trying to do, not to tearing other people down. Some people miss that one. They can't resist. It's like their crack cocaine, tearing other people down. Me, I try to reserve it for people that need to be deflated a little. People that are presuming. And I try to use it sparingly, because I'm more used to the opposite. At Crisisline, my first priority was following protocol. But I was there to help people. To listen. And if they kept me around for 3.5 years, I must have been good at it. I'm just having trouble enjoying things. No need to get smart or threaten. I don't have as much energy as I used to. I have to save it for taking care of myself. Maybe I got a little off track on the advocating. Such a strange word. I went in a few different directions. I don't understand what's going on. Some days, it's like walking through traffic blindfolded. Some people are pushing me forward. Others are frantic that I'm going the wrong way. It's gotten to the point that I don't like being around people anymore. And that's sad. I've been getting mixed messaging from people. And a lot of pushing. And I don't get it. Not sure which direction this is going. But I'm very tired. The fewer suggestions, the better. Less opportunities for making mistakes that way. Sometimes I just like listening to the tone of voice, and not the content. Especially with young men. Men can be the very worst know it alls. There was one prick in the hospital. I wanted to work him up. A young punk. Extremely obnoxious. I've met a few like that. It's not very impressive.

Bury Ashes

I wonder why people say some things. It seems sadistic, some things people say. Yeah, I've gotten death threats. A few. It's a strange place to live sometimes. In a strange time. So might as well let everyone know exactly where to find me. Because if I end up dead at this point, they'll know right where to look. So, there is no danger. No one would be that stupid. It's just depressing people feel the need to make death threats.

Funny

    Someone said something funny the other day. She said its good to see someone thriving. Somehow I'm not sure what she meant. This seems slightly short of thriving. I don't understand doctors. I've got a sinking feeling. I feel like I'm seeing only the dark. I'm not even sure why. I liked myself much better before I knew what I know now. World's going in wierd directions. I'm not sure exactly what these people are trying to accomplish. Maybe I should write more fantasy. Realism seems over-rated. It's gotten too dark.         All I know is that i need to change directions. I really don't understand these doctors. Or the hospitals. Makes no sense. 

    The other funny thing is the lies people tell. The doctors will say one lie, the patients a different lie, BUT THEY BOTH LIE. And then they point fingers. Makes no sense. I don't get these people. 

Clozastill

I need to think about something else. Thinking about money, psychology, and work is not doing it for me. I feel like I've been sprinting the wrong direction for decades. I need a reset. Clear my head. I'm so tired of this. Everyone thinking they know what I need and not having a damn clue. Bad programming. I learned wrong. I need to reprogram. Just a toxic cycle. I hope they find the wisdom. Make that pray. I pray they find the wisdom to ban clozaril permanently. Dumbest shit. Just a numb zombie stumbling around. For what? Permanent disability.  Great darn idea. Let's think another one. Geniuses. Truly. Stupid stupid stupid.

Return on Investment

I cannot swing too far to either side. I have to stay in the middle. I cannot indulge in liberalized medicine. I cannot indulge in revenge. There's work to do. Just because my life has changed does not mean that the world has stopped. It's still moving and there is so much going on. But I have to be sure of my footing. Walking blindly is not the path. Each day I have to remind myself of the goals and the directions. I cannot get off track now. I've come too far. They say I am strange, but this road might be stranger in that I'm definitely walking between groups. Have the liberal doctors repented, like I have? Are they being more careful? Are there others? Were there other houses full of pills? It seems like an important question. Because I know not everyone had the same experience. I know that the hospital is different now. And the CBT BS? Toxic masculinity? The meds? Have we truly learned? I hope so. I'm having trouble getting out of the past. I know that it's gone. They are replacing MIP. People are moving on. But I still get angry. All that danger to self or others crap. All that psychosis BS. Just to keep the pills moving. I got a little off track. I became their demon. The one they couldn't fix. Pushed too hard. Didn't understand CAPD or AS. Now we do. We understand nutrition better. We understand what people actually need better. But I've moved between anxious and fury a few times. I need to keep it lower. If it gets too high, I can't function. And if I get too angry that gives them an excuse to demonize. When they have their own faults they conveniently ignore. Go ahead, pass the blame around. We have to stop the cycle of blame and drugging. I don't always have the right words. I'm sure they will let know me know when I'm ready for more.

Determination

    What does determination look like? Much like stubbornness or courage. Doing something you know is right, consequences be damned. I have to return to my journals again and again to remind me of what the doctors want me to forget: the problems of Greenville County. There are people determined to see this through. I have to remind myself so that next time the doctors or their friends try me, I won't be suckered back in or intimidated by their threats. Because I'm not one of them. I'm the Auditor. 

New Idea

Here's a new idea:

If you want me to stop lying about my families, stop lying to me and others about myself.

If you want me to respect doctors, respect patients. 

If you don't want me playing games, don't play games with me.

If you want me to stop idealizing, stop idealizing me.f

If you want me to stop threatening, stop threatening me.

Don't put me in a toy house and pull my strings and expect me to smile and kiss the royal ring.

Don't sweep your colleagues mistakes under the rug and demonize me and expect it to go away.

I have freedom of speech. Get freaking used to it. If you ever want to see me again.

Just stop being assholes and I will too.

Deal? Let's not make talking through lawyers necessary. 

I'll be more able to work and mind my own business and all that if people stop messing around with me.

And my mike truly has been <coughassholeahem> not very nice but I'm sure he's sorry and I'm sorry for calling him an asshole and maybe if we both quit we can be on speaking terms. Y'all just push my nephew too hard and I don't appreciate it. I know how he feels. I'm rather sick and tired of my families. Some people never learn. Bad in combination. Too much drugs is bad. Even by prescription. Back off of Angry and maybe Angry can back off.

Recall

The thing thats most disturbing to me is the memory issues. My memory is not cohesive. It's divided. At any given times, different blocks of the past are more or less recallable. Most of the time there's very large blocks i cannot remember.