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One of my all time favorite songs.

Why Support DarknessUntilDawn?

     This site costs time and money to maintain. Furthermore, it is the project of a disabled person trying to make a living. Just by reading this site, you can support that effort, support upstate healthcare, support my writing, and support my health and wellbeing. 

    This site is not meant to be the perfect cheerleader. Just as the hospital was hard on me, I have to be hard on them at times. Life is not perfect. It is not pretty. By making readers aware of the REALISTIC picture of upstate health, we can improve it. We can improve conditions and health, we can promote resources, but don't expect me to fluff it up. That wouldn't be fair to anyone. The hospital system is a big organization, they can take criticism, they cannot abide silence. Silence perpetuates dysfunction. 

    Please continue to visit this site, think of it what you will, and it will display a minimum of ads to cover costs of operation and hopefully offset my living costs, because currently I'm in the hole. I do not own my home, car, or live with financial security. I do not live above the poverty line. That is why I am depending on people to visit this site and read. I'm not even asking for contributions, just keep reading. I'll try to keep it interesting. 

The highway

    Working on anger is work. Shutting down is surrender. Agreement is not always ideal. We get so used to yes men that we forget what healthy debate is like. I grew up with people that brooked no dissent. Thier way or the highway. Now I have anger issues, disability, helplessness, shutting down, regret... sometimes my way or the highway means that its time to leave. 

    People that are never satisfied, with very high or moving standards, are not people to keep in your life. I've known more then a few. 

Coregulation

Some people do not understand coregulation. Emotions are like germs. They are contagious. Sadness to sadness, anger to anger.

    I remember this story.  This guy in Japan on a subway, encounters a drunk lashing out in anger. Like elle to me, he treats the drunk like a dear lost friend. And so the anger melts away. 

    I remember Kenzie. She just laughed and laughed and laughed. Instead of being confrontational and threatening, she laughed with warmth and empathy. I did not need to be perfect with her. Perhaps the hospital ran out of patience. But a lack of patience can be dangerous. It was an ugly end. They always find something wrong with me, instead of finding the right. That is thier mistake. People are not robots to be fixed. Sometimes one has to walk away. Like Elle did. Better to walk away then lash out in anger. Regret is a harsh teacher.

With Respect

For Elle:

    Frustration can be an animal of its own. I walked beside you for years. I had the same thoughts, same feelings, for years. Now they know, and it is as if I am someone else. When it was me all along. Where do you go when I'm on looking? Maybe to the sky. I'm here on the earth. 

    I remember this med student. Ex med student. He came in for me to do his taxes. Had a story to tell. He had been starting his residency. One little fight, the residency was cancelled, his career was over. I am not an angel, I never was. But I walked with you, and you never came to harm. Maybe that last day, I scared you. Did it never occur to you that I defended you too? Sure, you didn't need me, but there were times. I know you had fear sometimes. I could see it when things got rough. When violence broke out, the fear in your eyes. I stood ready. 

    Some days I have to be a wall. A wall shows no emotion. A wall is steady. If words matter so little, then why are mine of such consequence? Why do I need to be so damn perfect? Strangest ideas come from strange places, and hospitals can be bizarre. I have anger, for sure, but let's not get caught up in details. I'm not worthy of half the attention I get. So I give them my words, to satiate their lust for my attention. Some people like to be needed. But I tire of the back and forth. 

    You were kind to me, I remember that always. There's only so much I can pay that forward, I would rather pay it back. Pay it back by recognizing all you did. But I'm not going to honor the false idols. I will not sit down and shut up for them. I will hold my anger. I need my anger. It reminds me of the things I cannot do. I hope you understand.

Eddie.

Sisters

Dear Elle,

Hi! You remember me, right? We spent a lot of time together. It seems like a long time ago. But we were close. At least, I like to think so. We took a few wrong turns, but not all is lost. Im still here. Do you get scared? When I get scared, I like to run. Just one foot in front of the other. As long as it takes. Sometimes I picture myself running backwards, into the past. I visitation my friends. Thats where I find you. In the past. Then we're together, just like sisters. Dont be scared. The past is never far.  I'm sorry about the follow. 

Best

Jess

Defiant

Determination, it echoes against the winds of hate and denial
Higher rising the legend's banner that strife cannot defile
The currency of whispers speaks to resentment and regret
But further on the banner waves in the glimmer of sunset

She spoke of times I failed her in the trials of becoming men

Charging with our banners just to flee them once again

Smartly in the shadows we regain our strength and honor

To rise again in righteous defense of our burning manor.

Jealously, she spoke of triumphs snatched from jackal's jaw

And wounds of blood and anger that would ripen red and raw

Vengeful in our justice we become a certain type of man

Who struggles with the question of when to stay the hand.

Lucid now, we never fail to fight our fickle fate

Never turning from a horrid will to find our hate.

And so we turn and spirits burn with passion in our eye

To choose between our love and hate, the passions we defy.

Thank you for supporting darknessuntildawn.net

    I'm planning to add an advertisement to help support operations. Traffic is at a point where that is possible! Maintaining two websites with media creation tools isn't free, so please continue to visit, leave feedback via the form, and think of accountec come tax time! The more you visit, the more I'll be able to add good stuff to read, videos to watch, some custom videos.