Dark spaces

    The dark spaces of the mind can be frightening. The resentments, the angers. But I appreciate the good moments, when people come together. I have to save my energy for those moments. But there are dark spaces. 

    Starting this, I was sticking more to the light spaces and alternating with the very black. Now I'm more in the middle ground, with a little of each.

Push

 

    Sometimes it's unclear how far one can reasonably go in any given situation. If you go too far, then it becomes dangerous. In casual conversation, there should be room for humor. But humor, like beauty, can be in the eye of the beholder. What is funny to one person isn't funny to another. 

    This is especially true with the psychological. But I do believe that calling a counselor a patient's girlfriend crosses lines. So now I have the two teams, each with men and women on them. And people can say I'm dating all of them. If they want to be inappropriate. 

Looking Forward

     So, today I mostly thought about what I needed to do and did some straightening and self-care. Tomorrow, I need to do my medical appointments, some more straightening, and maybe some writing. I tried to write today but I couldn't focus. Between VNS side effects (trouble swallowing), sinus, stomach, and tired (almost no sleep), it wasn't going well. It used to be easier. Then maybe some content creation or working on my accounting. I practiced guitar some. I really need to get my ADHD meds back in order. I don't know if the internist will be able to cover everything tomorrow. It's only a 20-minute appointment. We'll see.

    I feel like I don't have the desire nor the energy to explain to people about trauma and my communication issues. Just like Leaves and Elle cannot be around me, I cannot be around people who are not able or willing to understand me. I just hope I can thread the needle. I hope I can provide for myself and stay out of people's way until I can find the one who I belong with. I cannot try to force a round peg through a square hole anymore. 

spidey

Dear Spidey,

Patients come and patients go,

but arachnids are special, we all know

we appreciate you even though

our appreciation may knot always show

you have a way with words, it's true

we never knew the core of you

you came here as a larva and grew

And the world shall see your heart anew!

don't give up your legged ways

for there shall come some brighter days!

- Elle

 

    I find statistics interesting because they tell me about the world like accounting tells me about a business. Granted, it's only 30 users, but my regular readers come from these cities. Except for the blocked locations (26.67%)), I can see my regular readers have been coming from US (~50%), India (~13.3%), and Sweden (~6.67%). At least, that's where Google is tracking them to. This could be distorted by VPN, filters, etc. 

Another thing she said...

 

    Another thing she said was to get out of my head. Now, to me, another way of saying that is less cognitive, less whiteboard like. I'm going to try to practice guitar and paint today. The cat's doing well. Maybe I'll take some pictures of the house. I need to get my mind out of the medical. It just makes the stress worse focusing on the symptoms.

    I know I can't sit around living other people's lives metaphorically. I'm tired of that. I need my own life. 

Trying to be creative

 

    I won't say I'm crazy about cooking, but it's better than sitting around feeling helpless or spending a lot of money eating or eating poor quality food. I'm so tired of these hospitals and I'm trying to apply what I've learned. I added some beans and I'm boiling some brown rice. It's not half bad. I'll put some teriyaki in the rice. 

Stomach Symptoms

    You'd think I'm exaggerating, I know, but not dealing with your problems effectively has consequences. Now it's my chest. It's a burning sensation to the left of the base of the sternum. It resembles symptoms of an ulcer. 

    I need to try to get these physical symptoms under control so I can focus on writing and accounting. It means so much to me to be able to move someone with some quality writing that has more depth then these blog entries. I'm going to do more stretching and yoga, some music therapy.