Loving vs Caring

    I feel that people get confused on loving and caring. Or maybe I do. 

    The word love is generally used when you care about someone very intensely. It is used to describe family and romantic relationships. Sometimes people use it for very close friendships or even coworkers. Others are very sensitive about how the word "love" is used. 

    When you care about someone, that is taken to mean that you value who they are. That you wish them good health. But sometimes relationships get mixed up, and people lose sight of what it means to care about someone. They might say or do hurtful things. They might fundamentally misinterpret communications or the essence of someone's actions. They might change their feelings about the person. 

    Then there is that concept of idolatry or idealizing someone or something. This can take different forms, such as Clozaril is the answer to everything or psilocybin/THC/DrugXYZ is the answer, or that Father ALWAYS knows best, or Doctor ALWAYS knows best, or that a certain public figure is infallible or unquestionable. 

    I find that absolutes are a quick pathway to hell on earth. I don't know who reads this. I don't know all of the people that have been acting behind the scenes in my life. I do know for a fact that there are people who have done me harm, from small harms to much bigger ones. I do know that I was miseducated on multiple issues by people I trusted. I do know I have been threatened and manipulated. I do know that it is exhausting when people are inappropriate. 

    But I like what Leaves said about Ephesians 5:13 "But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light."

    So, it is my hope that by bringing some things into the light here, they become light. I hope that by bringing out ways in which I have failed and way in which others have failed me, I can somehow find a way to stop the darkness. Doctors are not in fact, Gods. Their word is not absolute. And happiness does not actually come from pills. It comes from appropriate actions. 

    I have made mistakes. I have mislearned some. When I say that I am tired, I do literally mean I am tired. But I can't keep bringing the past into the present. I am not in need of excitement. I'm tired of the same old lies and the same old exaggerations and the same old fights. I'm trying to not become allergic to people, because I'm finding that spending time with people who make you feel bad or whom you make feel bad is less like love and more like addiction. Then it is neither love nor caring. 

Balance

 

    I'm trying to find a balance. While also making my own choices. Hopefully I'm getting there. I have some taxes to study, entries to create, medical appointments, business appointments, etc to do. Hopefully we're learning. 

Mournful Monday Greenville County

    Welcome everyone back to another work week! I'll be your host, Ashes! The Senate is debating the Big Beautiful Bill, which may cost millions their health insurance. Shall we set fire to our hospitals? Might as well burn them down, yes?

Patient Relationships

     Patient relationships can be dangerous as well. There was a patient at Springbrook. This one was something else. People tried to warn me. She was staring at me. So, I decided to try to talk. Not a good idea. First thing out of her mouth was how many jails she had been to. It was downhill from there. After that they decided that patients from different units were no longer allowed to interact. 

    But we had some good moments. I was there twice. The first time was better. The first time there was a sort of family atmosphere where people tried to take care of each other. I liked that. There wasn't the bullshit targeting like at MIP last time. There wasn't dipshits running around doing attention seeking. There weren't lies flowing like water. 

    But somethings I can be pretend to delusional about. If I need to. I can pretend that the patients wasn't toxic, knowitall, knownothing pieces of shit. I can pretend. If I need to. Sometimes I have to pretend. Because sometimes bullshit isn't helpful. But all this back and forth and playing mind games around me isn't helpful. So I don't feel any guilt about calling out the patients for being absolutely, abysmally, toxic shitheads on last visit. Because they deserve it. And besides, they have no interest in reading this anyways. They have no interest in truth or accountability. They made that clear.

    But God judges us all. And like I seek forgiveness for the wrong things I have said and done, so will they in time. They will learn that somethings catch up with you. And they it doesn't impress anyone with any sense to say certain dumb lies about things you know nothing about. 

    But I do think the staff did fairly well at managing the toxicity after it got nearly to the level of a riot, though the gossip got out of hand. 

    This is why I need to stay out of psych hospitals. The nonsense that gets started isn't helpful. 

Assumptions

     Perhaps the hospital has to make assumptions. Perhaps they have to assume that Prichards didn't REALLY repeatedly recommend both CBD and THC. Perhaps they have to assume that their own employees don't admit to having used it. Perhaps they have to assume that my counselor doesn't know what she's doing. Perhaps they have to assume that I'm lying. Perhaps they have to assume that their own lying isn't harmful in the ER or in MIP. Perhaps they assume that threats are ok. I don't believe they are. Perhaps they have to make a lot of assumptions, because they are too busy to coordinate care (lots of patients) or because I am not fully transparent or because people in my families lie sometimes. 

    We all have different information, different skills, different judgement. And we all have our own history and our own responsibilities. I just get frustrated. So I have to isolate until I figure all these things out. Because I do know that my counselor knows what she is doing and she is literally trying to help me help these people and help myself. And that's a lot. 

    There has been dysfunctional behavior around me. And at the end of the day we can't blame "Bipolar" or "I didn't know" for everything. But there are many medications that can be dangerous beyond THC. Mirapex and prazosin are just a couple of examples. And plenty of people take drugs. Many work for the hospital system. 

Catch

    Counseling can be like playing catch. I just hope no one drops the ball. I like coordination of care because it helps people catch. I guess the hospital didn't understand. I guess my counselor knows the difference. That takes courage. I have courage too sometimes. Being in inpatient takes courage. Especially when people aren't working together. If there was a painless and straight path, I would take it. I want to focus on fiction, because this healthcare stuff is distracting. And then there's Accounting. It seems like a lot. 

    I did used to mostly just take drugs and do video games and intermittent work. But I started counseling to change that. I started counseling because the empty life revolving around drug carousels and video games wasn't working for me. Now, I feel like I'm effective with people. I'm more careful. I see drugs differently. 

    Telling the truth can be ugly. Sometimes the truth involves things like anger, thinking about suicide, resentment, fear, regret, guilt. I regret not speaking the truth to my families. I regret contacting the nurse. I regret letting the bullshit about my counselors continue. I regret letting them treat me like a robot. I regret idealing Prichards, I very much regret ever having known Assmussen. I hope he rots in hell. Well, maybe just some extended purgatory. 

    But I learned a lot from the shrinks. I like picking their brains. I like having two teams, each with psychiatrists involved. It helps me understand people. I'm learning how to navigate. I'm trying to keep the best lessons about trust and emotion. So that someday I can have my own family. 

    I just don't give away trust for free. Especially not to dipshit knowitalls in psych wards. I'm sure they had fun, picking on people that were better than them. But it just goes to show how limited their minds are. How stupid they really are. They need to expand their craniums. Fornication is not ok. 

    My walls are reshaping a bit. I'm learning what to let in, what to keep out. Because Molly is patient. She's always been in it for the long haul. Even if others slow her down. She's stubborn. Just like me. 

Isolation

    I feel like isolation helps sometimes. But I feel like I have to find ways to connect more. With the right people. As I learn about how to say and do the right things and support myself.

Great Song