Problems

    What I do have a problem with (other then fancy diagnoses) is anger, trauma, poverty, and lack of mental presence. I'm very spacey. I don't expect people to give a damn, but I do have to deal with it, whether you think I'm faking or not. The autism and adhd are the more complex underlying problems. It's not that hard to understand. All you need is the desire to truly understand, and it's following basic sentences. A high schooler can do it. 

    The starting point is autism. ADHD, most people understand already. Then slap on some trauma dissociation, and bingo, you have someone who is intelligent, different, and not very present. Comes from decades of repeated trauma. Ods, comas, severe depression, hospitalizations, these all qualify as trauma. No cure. It's fairly permanent. Pretty much all of it. Permanent disability. I can still do things, but the emotional dysregulation, spaceiness and communication issues will make full time work and many major endeavors unrealistic.

THC

    I think there's a lot of misconceptions about THC. The biggest for me personally, is that some people think I was addicted to it or that I was "having fun". Wrong. No, I tried it under the advice of a phyisician, it became a whole big thing, and I was taking very small amounts to treat symptoms, not to have fun. To me it was no different than a medication. 

    It was Spravato that became a huge problem. It landed me in the ER with crazy symptoms. It's going to be some time before I feel comfortable discussing what thc and spravato were like, because it was definitely a traumatic event. THC did have an uplifting effect, but the amount of lies and trauma around it makes it unlikely that I will ever try it again. I'm still trying to feel safe in my own skin again, especially around hospitals. 

    They're so busy pointing fingers sometimes that they forget to check the facts. Such as, oh yeah, WE were the ones that prescribed Spravato. SPRAVATO caused the er trip. Facts like that. Inconvenient ones. But no let's demonize and change the story. Great job guys, go fuck yourselves, pretty please. Seriously, you deserve it. Fucked me over pretty good.

Dedication

    I keep getting distracted, but if I'm trying to get my days back down to a system, just a different system. A system focused around accountec, writing, and health. As I keep saying getting too old for stretching myself thin, for chaos. I can't afford distractions. 

Trust Issues

    Trust issues refer to the difficulties a person experiences in believing in the reliability, honesty, and integrity of others, often stemming from past negative experiences. These issues can manifest as fear of betrayal, abandonment, or manipulation, and they can significantly impact relationships, leading to anxiety, suspicion, and difficulty forming close connections. 

Signs of Trust Issues:

Fear of betrayal or abandonment:

Individuals with trust issues may anticipate being hurt or mistreated, leading them to be guarded and hesitant to open up emotionally. 

Difficulty forming close relationships:

They may struggle to trust others, making it hard to form and maintain intimate friendships or romantic relationships. 

Suspiciousness and skepticism:

They may constantly question others' intentions and motives, even when there's no logical reason to do so. 

Anxiety and insecurity:

Trust issues can lead to heightened anxiety, worry, and a general sense of unease in social situations. 

Avoidance and withdrawal:

They may avoid social situations or relationships altogether to minimize potential pain or disappointment. 

Difficulty forgiving:

Small slights or misunderstandings may be difficult to forgive, potentially causing further strain on relationships. 

Low self-esteem:

Trust issues can sometimes be linked to low self-esteem, as individuals may not believe they are worthy of trust or love. 

Causes of Trust Issues:

Past experiences of betrayal, abandonment, or trauma:

These can include experiences like infidelity, abuse, or neglect. 

Adverse childhood experiences:

Difficult or traumatic childhoods can significantly impact a person's ability to trust others. 

Mental health conditions:

Anxiety disorders, depression, and other mental health conditions can contribute to trust issues. 

Insecure attachment styles:

Individuals with avoidant or anxious attachment styles may be more prone to trust issues. 

Gaslighting or narcissistic abuse:

These experiences can erode a person's sense of self and make it difficult to trust their own perceptions, let alone the perceptions of others. 

How to Overcome Trust Issues:

Seek professional help: Therapy or counseling can help individuals process past traumas, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and learn to build trust. 

Work on self-esteem and self-compassion: Building self-esteem can make it easier to believe in oneself and feel worthy of trust from others. 

Practice mindfulness and self-awareness: Paying attention to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can help individuals identify triggers and patterns related to trust issues. 

Communicate openly and honestly: Communicating needs and boundaries can help build trust in relationships. 

Start small and build trust gradually: Rebuilding trust takes time and effort, so it's important to start with small, manageable steps and build up from there. 

Forgive yourself and others: Forgiveness is essential for moving forward and letting go of past hurts. 

Be patient and persistent: Overcoming trust issues is a journey, and it's important to be patient with oneself and celebrate small victories. 

Jess... you cant keep going visible just because he's cute. AND STOP BREAKING INTO HOSPITALS.

 

[Whispers] ok, everyone, on three, we run... bob... tie her shoelaces together.

Damaged Trust

    Trust is a delicate thing. It can be so powerful when it is well formed and treated with respect. I feel like going to the ER helped restore my trust. Because it was nothing like last time. There were no threats, there were no sides, there was no Elle, there was no talk of drugs... this time, they focused on the problem and the solution(s). That's what medicine should be like. That's exactly what it should be like. It gives me hope. It makes me think I can trust the ER. 

    I want to believe that the system can work! I hope this is a new leaf!

Angels of Mercy

Together, and then apart, the pieces move in sync...

Gently striding forward through the ravages of time.

The Angels of their mercy come for my pain yet again

Soothing it with their salves and their words of gentle wisdom.

I knew my heroine long enough to know when she was strained.

I knew the task before me as long in time and short in its glory

I knew the Angels would be with me on my poor man's journey

I only hoped to make the fruits to be worth the bitter costs.

Ascending upon the mountaintop of my spiritual journey

Surveying all the wreckage of my life and what it was

Knowing that I'll never be the person that they sought

Forever bound to my fate as the rich man's poorest son.

I'll keep my pace upon my journey

I'll keep my eyes upon the prize

I'll prove myself unto my Angels

She'll earn her mercy before she dies. 

Acrylic paints

    I finally got some actual acrylic paint, not just markers. I'm working on my first amateurpiece. Impression of a stormy sky. Next, I'm going to try to knock out a couple of poems and some of the messenger. The meds are getting back into my system so I'm getting some relief.

 

Perhaps we don't have to blow up memorial after all... vell, shall we call off Plays with Matches?

    Spidey went down to di ER to get checked out. Saw 3 docs. The first ER doc just talked to me. Den di doc Spidey saw in march did a very basic exam. Darcy. Den di head doc. They got me my some of my meds called in. The nursing staff seemed less alarmed. Didn't mention Elle's name. Darcy recognized me. She was quiet. 

    I told the 1st er doc about how I was scared of hospitals. She said they would take good care. I told the head doc about the trust issues and the traumatic march hospitalization that started right there. I told a patient observer about how the hospital used to seem like family. All I said to Darcy was that I recognized her. She said yeah, I remember I took care of you.

I feel better about this experience because they really heard me and were able to help.

Everything is quiet since I'm not around

And I live in the numbness now

Sinking right down.
I do the things I did before
I write stories more and more
And then they say where's that crazy guy
You don't get work a lot and joke no more
I don't see me anymore
Since 2020 came

The plans I make don't have me in them
'Cause dreams come swimming into view
And I'm hanging around the ward like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
Are oh so far from view
I only know because I, carry me around in the background
I'm in the background

Words they come and memories all repeat
Pain inside like nothing I'd care to meet
And I would never lie to you,
No, I would never lie to you,
I never thought I'd feel so very through
But it feels true...

The plans I make still have you in them
'Cause dreams come swimming into view
And I'm hanging in the ward like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly seem so far it's true
I only know because I, carry me around in the background
I'm in the background

I only know but I am, way,
I'm way in the background.

 I'm worried about whats going to happen to me. I'm not doing well.

Dear Leaves,

I hope that I'm doing this right. I've had headaches and nausea, anxiety, trouble sleeping, lack of energy, lack of focus, lack of medication, lots of frustration... this has been exhausting. Trust is so hard sometimes. So very hard. My perception is changing. I hope I'll like myself when the dust settles. Sometimes I worry that I might say or do something I will regret. I feel very, very afraid to talk to people. It seems like I never know what to say. Sometimes conversations just stop, and I never figure out what went wrong. I can't stay this way forever. This earthly purgatory is running me into the ground. Sometimes death seems inevitable. It seems just weeks or days away. I feel confused much more often than clear, but that's nothing new. I need to find a better way.

Ashes

I am the life, saith the Lord, and he whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.

Dear God,

How's Peter doing? Think he will recognize me? Have I done enough good? Am I reaching anyone? Being kind is challenging sometimes. I've gotten lost again. It's become a habit. There's so many people I miss. Some are long gone. Others are far. Still others are on some sortof vacation, whether temporary or permanent. 

I need some guidance here. Don't let me walk blindly. I'm afraid of what I might hit. 

Ashes

Regrets

I regret not getting the right help sooner. I regret going to mip again. I regret not being more focused on something I was truly passionate about. I regret not communicating better. I regret not focusing on resolving this much much sooner. I feel like it didn’t have to get this bad. I have many good qualities, how did it get this bad?

 

Jess where are you hiding?

 

Sarah don't go after her!!!

    I'm getting caught up in the negativity and recriminations. But I'm trying to have compassion. It didn't used to be like this. MIP used to be my safe zone. I'm trying to look beyond the disagreement over my care. I just need to make it until the pristiq refill comes in. I'll try mycharting memorial again. I know ive been stable for long periods before. I know i can do it again. I feel like I have too much time alone but im not communicating well and I don't know how that changes.

Humility

     I saw a post on a social media site about humility. It really rang true with me, because regardless of what my real diagnosis is or isn't, it's widely agreed that I have one. The post said that it's important to remain humble, because at any point you could get a dx that could change your entire life. I'm told I'll never have a normal life, regardless of what my dx is or isn't. I count myself lucky to have known all the people I have known. I really do. I've met some great people in my lifetime. I hope and pray that I have more good times ahead of me. I have trouble keeping the faith, but regardless I hope that I can be a light, even when I struggle to see that light. 

Hospitals are supposed to be places of healing. But when they allow rumors and bullshit to flow like water, its hard to maintain faith. I need to get my meds refilled and keep reaching within for that faith and that perseverance, because i do feel disillusioned. And i hate that because I truly believe in medicine and faith and the power to heal. I dont want to turn from supporting healthcare professionals to hating them. It's just so not the way. i need to find that faith and really hold onto it with all my strength.

Adsense

     So now Adsense is on this thing about not too many pictures or videos and a quality experience with enough original words. So, I'm increasing my posts with totally original words and trying to make sure my little song remixes are original and not flat regurgitations or anything like that. Hopefully adsense will see that I'm creating something unique and that people are actually reading and allow me to post some ads because this website costs time and money to maintain and I've been through a lot, even if people like to disagree on the details and a warm f*** you to Ableists and revisionists of my personal medical trauma. I'm so sick of these a*holes that collect at psych providers offering unsolicited opinions on pain and history that they know little to nothing about. 

    Anyways, I hope since adsense offers little specific feedback or even a way to discuss it with a human or even a robot that soon they find the wisdom to approve my sight or help me understand more clearly how to change it to make it approvable.

 

There was a place i knew a time so very long ago...

Where people came to say the words that they couldn't find in the world beyond.

The flames of frustration licked upon their bitter souls

But I found some angels whereupon

I ventured to find a life beyond recriminations

And save a soul or two

I missed the boat on a few of my ventures

And yet to that dream I still hold true.

And it's for my angels that I hold true. 

It's for my angels that I hold true. 

Today

     Today I took a break from my usual frustrations. I've been gradually getting back into exercise. I saw a friend. But I'm trying very hard to focus on going steadily. I got a little lost in the past, sometimes I still do, but I'm focusing on keeping my emotional balance and staying present.