Nightmares

I do have nightmares. Day and night. Molly says that I'm not the only one. And I misunderstood. I misunderstood who the other ones were. EVERYONE AROUND ME. That's why this has to go to court. This has to go to rest. IRREVOCABLE HARM. TO EVERYONE AROUND ME. That's why they call this PTSD. Because we have nightmares about pills and guns and the people involved. That's why Prichards will see me in court. I have to get my anger below a 7. I have to maintain my body. Until that day I see that man in court. There are people that got me here. I know they want to see this end. And it will. This doesn't last forever. It just takes time and space. I use the calm app. I keep it on during the night. The music is so soothing. I think the sleep apnea was actually asthma that was covered up by the drugs. THE HOUSE WAS FULL OF PILLS PRICHARDS. YOUR DRUGS. Yeah I'm angry. How do you think the others feel? You think they like this? I don't think they do. I think they lose sleep too. That's why this has to go to court. IRREVOCABLE HARM. And I'll get there. Maybe Leaves and Elle will come. Maybe the others will get to see it end. 

No I don't blame Springbrook. They knew it was insane. I don't blame the ERs or the ICUs. In my mind, there are primarily two men responsible, and one is dead. One is still alive. They called him the magic maker. People sang his praises, including me. I've not had contact since 2020. I have no desire to go anywhere near there. That place is more haunted then any place I can think of. The house was full of pills. You couldn't walk around without finding a pill. All sorts. on and off label. Dosages from low to way outside the guidelines. Seroquel as high as 1000 mg. Minipress. It was over ten at least. Outside guidelines. Mirapex. Way outside guidelines. gabapentin. Outside guidelines. Multiple medications at once. When I say Supermedicated. When I say dangerous. When I say drug trafficking. I am. DEAD. SERIOUS. 38 calibur dead serious. 911 dead serious. This shit doesn't go away.

And I do have responsibilities. I have to keep South Carolina safe from dirty doctors. Timmons and the governor and the board are helping me do that. One of them is dead. I'm not worried about MA. I'm worried about SC. I need to keep it safe. I have my purpose. You can call that my religion. There's just one man that needs to be afraid. I'm pretty sure he knows the cleaning crew is coming. And if the FBI is aware, then SC doesn't need to be afraid. Only one man needs to be afraid. Time to retire. Then I can go back to what we would call normal life. The going out in public and the normal stuff. But I need that anger down. If there's a "Fix" for me, it's seeing this through. I'm not sure exactly how long it will take or the hows. But I'm pretty damn sure it doesn't involve any more pills then I currently take. I don't need more magic. 

I did not have the dx's to justify so many meds or the dosages or combinations. It was not safe. Or the medical board would not have talked to the governor. I'm not supposed to talk about that. But it's hard not to. These people have gotten me here. I have a job to do. KEEP THIS COUNTY SAFE. So no, I'm not afraid of the police. I have no reason to be. As unpopular as some of the LEGAL substances I sometimes take are, I 100% believe they are far safer then the dosages and combinations I was on. But I'm being watched by plenty of people. So if that changes. They'll know. The hallucinations and the paranoia, it comes for a reason. BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TERRIFIED. I HAVE BEEN DRUGGED. Ghosts of doctors in my head. Oh I know them well. I've known many. Conner was... actually a very disturbing individual to be around. You have to be. To walk around in a place like that. That was a long time ago. But I don't think we have to worry about MA so much. I think MA can worry about MA. This is SC. I'm worried about SC. And I'm going to keep it safe. Oh they made a demon of me. But I'm not the only one. The cleaning crew is working on it. You may think I deserve it. That somehow I earned it. But regardless, I'm ending it. And certain men who drive Mercedes purchased off of irresponsible and immoral behavior have reason to be concerned. Because the cleaning crew is coming. That nest of vipers better keep their insurance, take their vacation days. The lot of them. The clock is ticking. There are people watching that clock. I don't know how many. I'm pretty sure all of PRISMA is to some extent watching that clock. Because they don't want to get swept up. And they won't. I can't predict what will happen. But there's records out the wazzoo. There's enough experts aware in this state alone. When this goes to court, it will not be that hard. It will not be that messy. I was a bit confused. I'm still not totally clear. But the experts and the records can speak. If necessary, there are some witnesses that can speak. And we'll get this cleaned up. 

Cranky

Maybe i get overly cranky. Maybe im not that odd. How many shrinks have I met? Let's see... attendings... maybe 7 prisma, 2 springbrook, the ccbh one, conner, that guy at the bershires... started with a z i think... then the residents and medical students... maybe 6 or 7. Sooo... close to 20. Then the counselors... let's see... maybe 8. 

The shrinks it was more like punching keys on a keyboard... the counselors, it could go off in wierd directions. This is where the boundaries became problems. Some it was like pulling teeth... others it was too smooth, and then like how the hell did i get here? 

I absolutely hated cbt. It's not so bad in practice. But actually doing the counseling was God awful. 

Sometimes things got off track. The most off track was with the LPC-A. now she had the greatest enthusiasm and effort. It started to feel sideways. Thankfully we were wrapping up. Im glad I did that though. It helped. Gave me new ideas about which directions to go. How to deal with my issues from a different perspective. New ideas of areas to explore, things to try.

Now I get to talk to interns, which is nice. Cuz then the tables are turned a bit. I get to do almost all the talking. And they get to practice. I used to be the vegetable. The mental health people would tend me. Now every semester there's a fresh crop of interns. So I get to be the farmer. 

Odd

Im told im odd. And I've been analyzed near to death. But I've spent time in some odd places. Some people stay in the same place. They stay with the same people. I've met all sorts. I've gotten to know so many people so well.

My favorites are the more mild mannered guys or the women. 

And yeah I have a special place in my heart for nurses. It's a little embarrassing. But... they work hard. 

I've met some strong personalities. I used to talk more. These days I've been more selective about talking. Tired of the conversations. Sometimes I take a while. I observe. I watch the dynamics. Individual personalities. Mannerisms. Gauging different people. Sometimes I just learn. Other times I make more of a surgical strike. By this age most people know the things they want to say and to which people. Im getting some of that. But I like to get a feel for a crowd and be selective with my conversation. Because I can talk up a storm... but it gets tiresome. There were times in my life I didn't talk at all. Like when I was 13. Barely said a word. 

There are some people I can't forget. I remember the nurse manager at Lost and rigged. She was maybe in her late 50s at the time. We would go on walks in the mornings. I loved our walks...

I guess I've been holding too much in. By the end of tax season i was coming apart. I loved doing it so much. About 180 returns. I pushed too hard. But they needed me. We were short. And I met so many people. All sorts. White trash. Blacks. Hispanics. Asians. Rich and poor. I did my first farmer.  It was fun. Lotta Cs. Some Es. A few strange characters. But I did love doing it. That's why it was hard to stop. But then I compared to a similar level person. I was doing twice what she did. She was about to cry. I've got to not push so hard. But I love meeting the people.