Bigger Picture

    I saw a friend the other day. We had pizza. I contacted a few other friends. Sent them my concerns about healthcare. Also, to a few healthcare people. And my team is tracking me. And I may or may not have FBI watching me. So now everyone can rest easy that I'm not actually dangerous. Because there's too many healthcare people, social workers, and even public safety keeping tabs. That gives me some peace of mind. I may be strange, but I'm not strong or smart enough to outsmart or overpower that many people. Not possible. Still weird that Prismo is keeping security guards around, but it's their dime. 

    It seems that my odd communication and behavior has alarmed people. Also, the rather abrupt resignation in 2020 and the D/C of Clozaril. Maybe people are finally cluing in to the fact that poor boundaries, forced medication, and powerful drugs or combinations of drugs are not safe. Or maybe they are still obsessing over hemp products. There can be plenty of theories. MIP certainly was grasping at straws. If the ER hadn't fucked up so bad... if they understood dissociation and trauma better... that Stockholm Syndrome thing, then maybe it could have been different. Or maybe they will never learn. Some people are bad in combination. Like God complex MDs or Psychologists. People that are enmeshed/codependent/cult like. Group thinkers. Ah, di internist will be sooooo proooooooud. Spidey growing up! 

    Now. A couple of IT kinks. Thanks FBI. Gotta get the printer working again. Maybe be a little less paranoid about family and health care workers. Maybe think aloud a little less. But I like the direction this is going. Hopefully, between Prismo, the health dept, and my team, things will quiet down. And the anger and the hallucination/flashback stuff will calm down.

Row, row, row, your leaf, gently down di streammmmm...
Merrily... Merrily... Merrily... Merrily...
Quietly distuuurrrrbed. 

    I wonder how George is doing. And Keisha. Some of my black friends. Today's numbers were decent. Had all di meds. A little cleaning. Dug out the back drain again. I watched a little news. Healthcare firewalled. Legal case for MIP and Woodruff Road all set. What's left? I'm still a little angry with the Furman Psychologist and McClean. But McClean really can't be held accountable. They had limited information and some disinformation and they were out of state. I'm still thinking that between them and the pharmacy up there, there was some stupidity. I mean, what did they think was going to happen? duh. We'll just pop him on Clozaril and release. Well, that worked out great. Clozaril really is a miracle drug. Worked so VERY well. All sorts of stupid. I suppose I could sue the manufacturer. That might be worth a look. Or maybe I could advocate. With the FDA or something. Well... that seems a stretch. Maybe a letter. I'm better in writing, as I think people are starting to see. 

    The Psychologist really was just super full of himself. All sorts of stupid. No common sense. The bullshit he was passing off. So stupid. A lot of theory that made very little sense in reality, sexism, arrogance like crazy, odd personality. He really was a piece of shit. I can't believe they had him around young people. Just all sorts of stupid. The most moronic interpretations of CBT. Little sketches and stuff. And he was soooooooooo proud of himself. He was such slime. God. Condescending, out of touch, weird clothes, just all sorts of stupid and hateful idiocy. Some people should NOT work in mental health. He was DEFINITELY, UNQUESTIONABLY, one of those predatory pieces of shit. People think I'm creepy... I learned from the best. That psychologist, he was a real creep. A slimeball. low life. a piece of shit. And he worked hand in glove with the shrink. and they drugged and snickered and laughed and billed and well... now we can see the results. The Mychart and my behavior and words. The records and the witnesses. Bury Ashes, they said. Some people are coming with me. That Psychologist and the Psychiatrist. Clozaril's reputation, hopefully. And the old guard of MIP. The Psychiatrist's buddies. Atlanta tried to say no. They didn't listen. They could have stopped the medication train. Rats. back at 8. Need to stay under 7. 

    Springbrook thought I was protecting someone. About the drugs and the dysregulation. The poor boundaries. Trauma. Autism Spectrum. I'd say if there was an original problem, it was AS. It wasn't well understood. The ADHD is mild. So I think when a family doesn't know how to handle AS... See, Springbrook knew the problems. CCBH had no fucking clue. Absolutely zero. I mean. They did see dysregulation. They got pissed, realized they were burning money, and fell back on past mistakes. With a Bullshit Dx. And a lot of incompetence and stupidity. It was really sad. clusterfuck. They made a lot of stupid mistakes, did a lot of nonsense. Zero professional value. I mean, it's no wonder the insurance paid for just a few blood tests. But that idiot was so damn proud. The stupid little grin on his face. What an asshole. God he was a stuck up prick. a hillbilly prick. Still a prick. The educated pricks and him really were hoping to shut me down. I just don't get these doctors sometimes. Glad I don't have any. Just NPs and PAs. I'll just post a No Prick sign. There was this one resident at Springbrook. I really liked that guy. He was great. He was from the midwest, I believe. A little nerdy I think. He could read me like a book. I worked with 3 female residents. One, they just used for the discharge. 

    It's weird how everyone obsesses over Elle's hair color. Everywhere I go. Small at MIP. That Nurse or whatever at CCBH. They look for the hair color. As if that matters. You know, if it really is hair color... My PA has black hair. Artstick had black hair. LPC brown. Mindful Psychiatrist is blonde. Internist is red. My childhood friend is red. I need another brown... AHA! the NP at the stomach Doc! BROWN HAIR! SWEET! Ok, so my man (and women), have equal hair colors. If you include leaves. I emailed her the website. So we're all on board, hair colors are represented... Racially... wait... better idea. Instead of the stomach NP, I'll go with my friend George. The stomach doc isn't that involved. wait... colors are off... I'll keep the NP. I'll add George. So 3 black hair, 2 blonde, 2 red, 2 brown. I have black hair, so I'll make an exception for black. So my collective thinking is represented by Myself, an internist, a stomach doc, Two LPCs, Two psychiatrists plus a psychiatry PA, a psychologist, A former surgeon, and their respective MDs. There's a team. 2 male, 7 female. 2 black, 7 white. Hmmmm... I need diversity. I think the income spectrum is reasonably spread. Some are more country than others. I need Asians and Hispanics. Thinking... The Neurologist! Asian! Maybe that's where the Iranians are coming from. She's Persian. You know technically, The allergist has brown hair, the dietitian... I don't know... I'm going to guess brown. the GI doc is black hair i think. Oh wait. The brunette is the NP allergist. The MD allergist has black hair. Now's there's also a blonde female psychiatry PA on my mychart. I mean, they're so obsessed with the characteristics of my team. So now I've got maybe 14. 11 women and 3 men. I feel less angry already. I'm just frustrated. I have a small world. But it's what I have. And 14 people helping. 1 Asian, 2 black, and 11 white. Not bad. Still could use another Asian and a couple of Hispanics. Thinking... Spravato Doc was white. I'm short on hispanics. 

    Oh well. That was fun though. I'll see if I can pick up two hispanic medicals and an Asian. Do I have any social workers? In the hospital, there was a black one, and I think two white. The dance instructor was hispanic. We did salsa. I'll include her. 12 women. I'd better get more guys. Male, hispanic or asian... that's a tough when if you only include medical. Well I'll work on that.

    I KNOW ALL YOU DOCTORS. I KNOW YOUR HOSPITALS. I HAVE SOME MEMORIZED. I've had MIP Memorized for decades. I know every inch. I knew McClean. Every inch of that unit. Every procedure. Every staff. I know what you teach. What you don't. I know your drugs. Your DSMs. I. Know you. Austen Riggs. I can still see them. I've been to these places. I'm practically staff. I've known many doctors. I need some eyes on me. Just a little. So I can mind my own business. I want to save you some money. Federal money. I want to stay out of hospitals. Mind my own business. I've lived in hospitals. Want to stay home. My mind back together. I want Brannon to help. She knows me. She was a surgeon. She's very smart. I had friends. At Clemson. In Greenville. MA. Dr. Z. My sleep doc. I want my people. Whatever dr.s mostly... like musc or Atlanta... I just a few eyes on me. Just a few. People that can help mindful upstate. With whatever they need. Suggestions. For treating the DID you created. That's all I want. Via online. Phone. Maybe any DID experts. On the east coast. Just for ideas. research sharing. Mapping stuff. I know there must be more knowledge. 

Ebbbbyday is a winding web!

Getta liddle bit closer and peeling pine!

Ebbbbyday is a whining toad!

(Ribbit)

Fiction

There's been some things coming up that are fairly intense. I'm trying to refocus away from certain people and situations. Because people are finding my memories, feelings, and expressions stressful. I was not intending to be PG, but I was not intending to be NC-17 either. But I can remember extremely disturbing things. And I like South Carolina. I've met a lot of nice people. I was not intending to write horror stories or thrillers. And I was mentioning DID to make it less scary sounding. Not the opposite. It doesn't have to be that way. It can really be more like some dysregulation, memory issues, and communication issues. Bipolar as far as I've experienced does not have to be awful either. But again, I'm not a doctor and have no desire to be one. No one controls me. I'm not some mind controlling sinister presence. I'm not completely mindless either. It's been nice and quiet though. The cats doing well. I like Mauldin.

Stubborn

MIP may or may not have made key mistakes. I'm not sure what they were trying to accomplish. I don't they knew either. But one employee said to another "We need to break this relationship [with counselor]".

Whatever they intended, saying that caught my ear. I have acute hearing at times. Yeah I hear a lot of what y'all say. But Arson didn't seem to understand DID. Maybe he didn't realize that the overlap of medical complex trauma and DID is important. Maybe MIP didn't understand that Seroquel simply brings it down for a bit. Ativan too. Maybe they didn't understand that bipolar makes little sense. Maybe they didn't understand the importance of my particular boundaries. I don't even know who said that. I think she was a tech. Maybe a nurse. If you break trust, that makes things take longer. And you have to run in 5,000 different employees saying all sorts of goobledy gook and try reaching for all sorts of DX's. The hispanic one and the quiet male helped. 

But the ER hadn't particularly inspired trust. Maybe the Spravato went awry. And mentioning Elle's name wasn't helpful. Or City Center. Or the other safe places. Stockholm Syndrome. Safe places. I'm not a criminal mastermind. But I know safety. 

But if you have any understanding of that, even without understanding helpers and protectors and gatekeepers, you can understand the rest. 

Otherwise, you might get locked out.

I wouldn't get all in a twist. Maybe a little less psychosis/bipolar/paranoia bullshit and just not scare people or fuck with them. You know? I'm assuming you thought I was going to harm someone I mentioned or at one of these safe places. IMA was safe. Not sure I mentioned that one. Maybe just let people make their own choices and not antagonize them or scare them. Maybe I can do that too. If you don't make me talk too much, sometimes I don't need to. Understand AS/trauma a little better. That just may be a win. CCTP. Stockholm Syndrome. Autism Spectrum. Medical Complex Trauma. 

Some people are good in combination. Others are not.

Some people understand me better than others. I can mirror you and you can mirror me or we can lock each other out. Y'all love those locked doors. I got locks too.

People talk, I get it. But I'm not exactly sure what you think you were accomplishing with the AA group and the gay thing. I really don't need you to help me understand my substance use or my sexuality. I don't understand the patients modeling dysfunctional behavior. That was fucked up. Really twisted. Nail polish in the end is a substance of itself. It can be removed easily. The right person with the right words can calm someone down. The food was very hard to eat. very hard to eat. It makes no sense. Mainly because you stressed me out and because you made such a humongous deal of the diet that you healthcare people taught me. Go ahead. Lecture and then don't follow your own advice. Makes no sense. I don't understand hospitals. You're making more work for the low levels when you don't follow common sense and your own education. Or misuse drugs or get all high and mighty about a positive THC screen. It makes no sense. You're making people paranoid with this shit, then you drug them and release them into the wild. It frustrates me. Give me something digestible, don't fuck with me, and give me a few people with the right words. Maybe a soccer ball. It's not that hard. Maybe some more natural lighting on the inside. Like the therapeutic lights. Fewer buzzers and more natural sounds like birds or whatever. I don't understand you people. The hospital used to be better in some ways. People seemed to know how to talk better. But agitating and provoking someone in a high stress environment in close quarters is all kinds of stupid. Talking to Prichards and Arson wasn't so bad. Dolyart didn't say much. Groans... I don't remember other then pushing her. I liked Sharon. She had a sharp eye. She was a social worker. They can be very perceptive. I met with three. That was the most helpful part. Gullet barely spoke. McClinton was very detailed. But Seroquel is not a long term solution. I don't believe in those drugs. I think Clozaril is a clusterfuck. A total clusterfuck. Creating vegetables. That the techs and nurses can water and monitor until harvest season. Hopefully I'm not spoiled yet.