Cocky

    Some people are cocky. They like to tear other people down. I met a few in the hospital. It was sad. See, in life, we are meant to pay attention to what we are trying to do, not to tearing other people down. Some people miss that one. They can't resist. It's like their crack cocaine, tearing other people down. Me, I try to reserve it for people that need to be deflated a little. People that are presuming. And I try to use it sparingly, because I'm more used to the opposite. At Crisisline, my first priority was following protocol. But I was there to help people. To listen. And if they kept me around for 3.5 years, I must have been good at it. I'm just having trouble enjoying things. No need to get smart or threaten. I don't have as much energy as I used to. I have to save it for taking care of myself. Maybe I got a little off track on the advocating. Such a strange word. I went in a few different directions. I don't understand what's going on. Some days, it's like walking through traffic blindfolded. Some people are pushing me forward. Others are frantic that I'm going the wrong way. It's gotten to the point that I don't like being around people anymore. And that's sad. I've been getting mixed messaging from people. And a lot of pushing. And I don't get it. Not sure which direction this is going. But I'm very tired. The fewer suggestions, the better. Less opportunities for making mistakes that way. Sometimes I just like listening to the tone of voice, and not the content. Especially with young men. Men can be the very worst know it alls. There was one prick in the hospital. I wanted to work him up. A young punk. Extremely obnoxious. I've met a few like that. It's not very impressive.

Bury Ashes

I wonder why people say some things. It seems sadistic, some things people say. Yeah, I've gotten death threats. A few. It's a strange place to live sometimes. In a strange time. So might as well let everyone know exactly where to find me. Because if I end up dead at this point, they'll know right where to look. So, there is no danger. No one would be that stupid. It's just depressing people feel the need to make death threats.

Funny

    Someone said something funny the other day. She said its good to see someone thriving. Somehow I'm not sure what she meant. This seems slightly short of thriving. I don't understand doctors. I've got a sinking feeling. I feel like I'm seeing only the dark. I'm not even sure why. I liked myself much better before I knew what I know now. World's going in wierd directions. I'm not sure exactly what these people are trying to accomplish. Maybe I should write more fantasy. Realism seems over-rated. It's gotten too dark.         All I know is that i need to change directions. I really don't understand these doctors. Or the hospitals. Makes no sense. 

    The other funny thing is the lies people tell. The doctors will say one lie, the patients a different lie, BUT THEY BOTH LIE. And then they point fingers. Makes no sense. I don't get these people. 

Clozastill

I need to think about something else. Thinking about money, psychology, and work is not doing it for me. I feel like I've been sprinting the wrong direction for decades. I need a reset. Clear my head. I'm so tired of this. Everyone thinking they know what I need and not having a damn clue. Bad programming. I learned wrong. I need to reprogram. Just a toxic cycle. I hope they find the wisdom. Make that pray. I pray they find the wisdom to ban clozaril permanently. Dumbest shit. Just a numb zombie stumbling around. For what? Permanent disability.  Great darn idea. Let's think another one. Geniuses. Truly. Stupid stupid stupid.