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Tuesday, June 24, 2025

Psychociation

 Dear coffee,

    I've been having problems with Psychociation. It starts with playing along. Before long I feel physically sick, I have outbursts, anger, sadness, fear. I keep getting stuck. It's hard to know where the future goes. Especially when the hospital looks for every explanation but the actual explanation. Especially when they don't work for me. 

    But we have good talks. Not that I remember us ever saying a ton, but sometimes fewer words is better. The world can be a strange place, and sometimes people are resistant to different ideas. I try to see beyond and then I get swept in the bullshit. it's frustrating. Before I know it I'm playing along again, and I don't realize until I start having the mood swings, outbursts, and start getting desperate. Disoriented. I wonder if you're met Elle. I'd imagine so. 

    What I wonder is, can you see, or are you as blind as the rest? But I honestly don't judge people very well... not as well as I thought. I hope we're going down the right road, because I worry about the future. The old guard, it may not matter much to them, but I could still have a life. I still have time. I need to break my patterns. I need to meet new people and put the past away... all of it. 

    I get caught up in believing, and I'm running out of energy for that. It's wearing on me. I need to meet someone, pursue my dreams of writing and living life more fully. I think that requires time alone. Luckily, I still have people I can rely on. I just don't have the stamina to play games anymore. I need to stop trying. 

    Maybe you play sports. Mine was soccer, primarily. I need to buy another soccer ball. Someone stole mine. I hope I can count on you. Those people you work with, be careful what you believe. It will warp your mind.

Ashes

Anxiety remedies

    I'm working on leaving the house more often and understanding people better. Not so much why they do what they do, but why they feel the way they feel. My most common emotions are anger and fear. It used to be sadness, but that's gotten better. The anxiety is definitely the worse of the two. Sometimes I have positive emotions. Happiness, love, amusement, connection. 

    Fear, sadness, and anger seem like a triad. They lock together like armor, impenetrable. I got to the point I was taking so much inositol that my digestion was disrupted. The chamomile lavender tea is better. Holy Basil tea tastes pretty bad, but it calms incredibly. Ashwagandha tastes a little better but doesn't seem quite as effective for me. I'm trying to use the five senses more, as well as l-theanine and Atarax.

Decoupling

 

    The hospital fundamentally misunderstands what need. I need to feel safe in being myself. To not feel threatened. Be able to speak honestly. Prichards didn't get it either. You get beaten down, you need to be able to speak. To be heard. But if their intention was to discourage me from coming back, they succeeded.

    They're learning all the wrong lessons. Clueless. And I could have told them so. If they had truly been listening. They were smart to get me out of there ASAP. I support that decision. Anyways, the insurance only pays 10 days. Waste of money. Clusterfuck. But, I got what I needed the time before. I'll just forget last time happened. It was just a dream.

Flyleaf

 


    This is uplifting. I'm getting tax refunds and setting up business accounts to manage DUD and Accountec. I'm celebrating with one of my favorite songs.

Past Reflections