I have to stop thinking about hospitals. I swear they are so far in my head and they're screwing it up. I don't understand what they are thinking. It's like they are trying to destroy me. I try to get them out and they are right back in. Dont spread your trauma. Yeah right. 

Exercise Day

    Today I'm going to focus on some exercise and some distraction. I've got some followup on the business happening later this week. Cardio, some yoga and stretching, call the Y and set up a trainer appointment. I've got some organizing to do.

 

    Today is a new day. I'm going to put the past behind me and try to have a good day. Other than the physical with the sinuses, there's no reason not to. There's no reason not to. Even my blood sugar dropped into normal range. My health is literally improving. The lifestyle changes are taking effect. They put me back on Ritalin, so hopefully I can focus on this business and my writing. With less medicalization. I'm exhausted of my own complaints.

What they want to Believe

    People are going to believe what they want to believe. I can understand the concern about the nurse. What I don't understand is smearing my counselor in order to protect that psychiatrist. That's hard to understand because his actions involved great danger. And he recommended the THC, not her. He did. And he knew I was taking it the whole time. So, I'd better not hear the rumors again. Or I'm going to have to go around telling everyone on this earth exactly what happened, the very truth to the last letter. It's already taken enough of my energy without this bullshit. 

    And I did not prescribe Spravato, either. I did not write the prescription. And now the doctors know better. I have no doubt in my mind that they will be extremely careful with prescriptions in the future. 

You knoooooow...

if I get any more spastic, I'm going to have to stop talking completely. Or maybe I'll start answering the phone, 'Hi, this is crazy. Go ahead.'

     The doctor's appointments went well. The internist seems to find me rather odd but not alarming. I still feel spacey and anxious. I do feel mentally detached from reality, which seems to be the very definition of dissociation. I guess my desire to understand these medical people comes across as a strange fixation. But I spent so much time in the system that to me it seems natural to want to understand.

Spidey leerning about twust. Ebbyday. Di doctors leerning too. Spidey teech.

While you Weren't

While you weren't listening
I started closing doors

I ran around the back

Then opened up some more

While you weren't listening

I changed a few ideas

I put away my fairy tales

I tried to face my fears.

You wanted me to change

You found and shaped a mold

You called upon your champions

To bring me back in fold.

You wanted to know everything

Perhaps I didn't learn

I chased the wrong directions

And failed to grow and earn. 

While you weren't watching

I found a different way

I found new things to do

I found new things to say.

While you weren't watching

I changed the way I am

I changed my view of the world

I learned to not pretend.