Medicine

    I feel like what I'm learning about medicine is that it is fast paced. The workers don't necessarily have the time or the patience to help, especially with autism, especially with poor communication, especially with symptoms that don't clearly match a defined illness with a defined treatment plan like these bumps that come up on my skin or emotional dysregulation or memory issues. Life isn't that simple and who has time for some disabled guy that's hard to understand and unstable when there are people with jobs and clearly defined problems and good communication. 

    I'm simply not important enough or likeable enough or with problems that are easily resolved, and it's much easier to blame delta 8 or Spravato and say screw the patient let's jail him rather than solve a problem that isn't easily solved. I'm glad my counselor has a different perspective, or I truly would be screwed. Not because they don't want to help, they simply don't know how. And with my lack of sleep and poor boundaries it's not like it's easy. I just struggle to know what to do when my body hurts, I'm tired, I have trouble keeping up, and I literally have trouble remembering and communicating. 

    At least most of the doctors don't threaten me. That's a plus. 

I guess this is my time to demonstrate that I am strong and determined. I can't hold onto resentment.  Because I can be funny. I've made people happy. But something is different about me. I feel like maybe I made too many mistakes. I need to be careful. Lately there just seems to be bad communication going around. Maybe I'm holding on to too much. 

Shelter in Place

When my hands, they shake, and energy fails

When fear comes hard and fast

When my mind is lost in eternal space

I have no recourse, I shelter in place

When I cannot grasp the words that they say

When my efforts come to naught

When the safe harbor is lost to a serpent race

I have no recourse, I shelter in place

I hesitate to reach for my wrath

For there must be another answer

I search for the clues to find a new path

I cannot fail this time. 

Lost in the doubt and regret that I find

I gather my patience and shelter my mind

I know that I must give more effort and time

When I lack my answers, I shelter in place. 

I fear for the actions my mind commits

I fear for the words I don't say

I watch for the courage to come back in place

But regrettably, I shelter in place

I walk out of my shelter and scream at the sky

and although it does not answer my screams and my cries

When world loses temper and forgets its place

I cry out to God and shelter in place.

 

I wunder if she'll want dat in crickets or flies?

 Spidey just a liddle crayby, nodda lot, just a liddle.

 

Maybe zee legged one was right... maybe zee doctor always wins...

Medicine Men

She walked in silence, small and humble

amongst the glass and rocks...
Her barefoot feet somehow unmarred,

in contemplation of the costs.

She fled her ghosts and repelled their whispers

And walked the long way home.

She called her friends who would not answer

She ran from all that she had known

She ran from all her fears and frights

and watched the ghosts of yesteryears

As they laughed her demons to mockery...

while she shed only invisible tears.

She traveled the path they would not grant her

So stubborn and defiant in her anger and fear

She knelt before the angels and martyrs

and prayed for abatement of this nightmare.

She climbed again and kept her pace

and ignored the voices harassing

She ran to remember the kindest of men

and mourned their violent passing.

She chased the angels as they ascended

Wishing she was one

She left the heroes she had known

for in her sorrow, they now were none.

Doctors

I guess the hospitals felt that they could trust me because I was a doctor's son. I guess I felt could trust them for the same reason. But i guess trust just doesn't work that way. Because I'm not my father. Never was. I used to feel that the hospital was a safety net. That if all else failed, they would help me. Im worried what they would do if I ended up at a hospital again. CCBH. Memorial. Mip. Dangerous.

Honestly

    As much as I don't feel that i do understand whats going on, I feel safer just having reached out to my old friends and members of the mental health community to let them know that I've been in trouble. Even if they don't check the site, just knowing that they are aware that I'm struggling, makes me feel safer, every time I think about it, i feel safer... I think of them out there, calming the waters for me. It gives me a sense of peace.

Presentation

    Sometimes it all comes down to presentation.  Sometimes its not so much the circumstances around you or even what you do. It's the words you choose. The way you say them. The way you choose to smile or not smile. I try to smile. I try to put people at ease. But sometimes even that can be misinterpreted. Sometimes I think I'm missing the point(s). But I need to get sleep before morning. My life is going in strange directions.

Places to move... sweden? Too cold.... italy? Too familiar... new zealand? Theres a thought.

RULE NUMBER ONE: THOU SHALT NOT TAKE SPRAVATO! you tend to end up in ERs that way...

RULE NUMBER TWO: You do not, under any circumstances, repeat names of hospital staff in ERs... its not a pretty pretty picture... they dont like me doing it...

RULE NUMBER THREE: you don't mix humor with medical care. It tends to get misinterpreted.

My head hurts like crazy and I can't sleep. Somehow I regret several things I said and about half of what happened. Oy. I gotta stay out of hospitals. It's really not working out for anyone. I don't get it. They're supposed to help. No, nevermind that. Let's mindfuck. Splendid. Autism is not that freaking hard. Seriously. Demonstrate some compassion. I'll go to bon secours if I have another emergency. Totally not worth the misplaced loyalty.

    You know, it really is a twisted life when you have to spend the next 4 months trying to understand what the heck just happened at the ER.

World getting too complicated... not sure i understand as well as they think