[Whispers] ok, everyone, on three, we run... bob... tie her shoelaces together.

Damaged Trust

    Trust is a delicate thing. It can be so powerful when it is well formed and treated with respect. I feel like going to the ER helped restore my trust. Because it was nothing like last time. There were no threats, there were no sides, there was no Elle, there was no talk of drugs... this time, they focused on the problem and the solution(s). That's what medicine should be like. That's exactly what it should be like. It gives me hope. It makes me think I can trust the ER. 

    I want to believe that the system can work! I hope this is a new leaf!

Angels of Mercy

Together, and then apart, the pieces move in sync...

Gently striding forward through the ravages of time.

The Angels of their mercy come for my pain yet again

Soothing it with their salves and their words of gentle wisdom.

I knew my heroine long enough to know when she was strained.

I knew the task before me as long in time and short in its glory

I knew the Angels would be with me on my poor man's journey

I only hoped to make the fruits to be worth the bitter costs.

Ascending upon the mountaintop of my spiritual journey

Surveying all the wreckage of my life and what it was

Knowing that I'll never be the person that they sought

Forever bound to my fate as the rich man's poorest son.

I'll keep my pace upon my journey

I'll keep my eyes upon the prize

I'll prove myself unto my Angels

She'll earn her mercy before she dies. 

Acrylic paints

    I finally got some actual acrylic paint, not just markers. I'm working on my first amateurpiece. Impression of a stormy sky. Next, I'm going to try to knock out a couple of poems and some of the messenger. The meds are getting back into my system so I'm getting some relief.

 

Perhaps we don't have to blow up memorial after all... vell, shall we call off Plays with Matches?

    Spidey went down to di ER to get checked out. Saw 3 docs. The first ER doc just talked to me. Den di doc Spidey saw in march did a very basic exam. Darcy. Den di head doc. They got me my some of my meds called in. The nursing staff seemed less alarmed. Didn't mention Elle's name. Darcy recognized me. She was quiet. 

    I told the 1st er doc about how I was scared of hospitals. She said they would take good care. I told the head doc about the trust issues and the traumatic march hospitalization that started right there. I told a patient observer about how the hospital used to seem like family. All I said to Darcy was that I recognized her. She said yeah, I remember I took care of you.

I feel better about this experience because they really heard me and were able to help.

Everything is quiet since I'm not around

And I live in the numbness now

Sinking right down.
I do the things I did before
I write stories more and more
And then they say where's that crazy guy
You don't get work a lot and joke no more
I don't see me anymore
Since 2020 came

The plans I make don't have me in them
'Cause dreams come swimming into view
And I'm hanging around the ward like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
Are oh so far from view
I only know because I, carry me around in the background
I'm in the background

Words they come and memories all repeat
Pain inside like nothing I'd care to meet
And I would never lie to you,
No, I would never lie to you,
I never thought I'd feel so very through
But it feels true...

The plans I make still have you in them
'Cause dreams come swimming into view
And I'm hanging in the ward like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly seem so far it's true
I only know because I, carry me around in the background
I'm in the background

I only know but I am, way,
I'm way in the background.

 I'm worried about whats going to happen to me. I'm not doing well.

Dear Leaves,

I hope that I'm doing this right. I've had headaches and nausea, anxiety, trouble sleeping, lack of energy, lack of focus, lack of medication, lots of frustration... this has been exhausting. Trust is so hard sometimes. So very hard. My perception is changing. I hope I'll like myself when the dust settles. Sometimes I worry that I might say or do something I will regret. I feel very, very afraid to talk to people. It seems like I never know what to say. Sometimes conversations just stop, and I never figure out what went wrong. I can't stay this way forever. This earthly purgatory is running me into the ground. Sometimes death seems inevitable. It seems just weeks or days away. I feel confused much more often than clear, but that's nothing new. I need to find a better way.

Ashes

I am the life, saith the Lord, and he whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.

Dear God,

How's Peter doing? Think he will recognize me? Have I done enough good? Am I reaching anyone? Being kind is challenging sometimes. I've gotten lost again. It's become a habit. There's so many people I miss. Some are long gone. Others are far. Still others are on some sortof vacation, whether temporary or permanent. 

I need some guidance here. Don't let me walk blindly. I'm afraid of what I might hit. 

Ashes

Regrets

I regret not getting the right help sooner. I regret going to mip again. I regret not being more focused on something I was truly passionate about. I regret not communicating better. I regret not focusing on resolving this much much sooner. I feel like it didn’t have to get this bad. I have many good qualities, how did it get this bad?

 

Jess where are you hiding?

 

Sarah don't go after her!!!

    I'm getting caught up in the negativity and recriminations. But I'm trying to have compassion. It didn't used to be like this. MIP used to be my safe zone. I'm trying to look beyond the disagreement over my care. I just need to make it until the pristiq refill comes in. I'll try mycharting memorial again. I know ive been stable for long periods before. I know i can do it again. I feel like I have too much time alone but im not communicating well and I don't know how that changes.

Humility

     I saw a post on a social media site about humility. It really rang true with me, because regardless of what my real diagnosis is or isn't, it's widely agreed that I have one. The post said that it's important to remain humble, because at any point you could get a dx that could change your entire life. I'm told I'll never have a normal life, regardless of what my dx is or isn't. I count myself lucky to have known all the people I have known. I really do. I've met some great people in my lifetime. I hope and pray that I have more good times ahead of me. I have trouble keeping the faith, but regardless I hope that I can be a light, even when I struggle to see that light. 

Hospitals are supposed to be places of healing. But when they allow rumors and bullshit to flow like water, its hard to maintain faith. I need to get my meds refilled and keep reaching within for that faith and that perseverance, because i do feel disillusioned. And i hate that because I truly believe in medicine and faith and the power to heal. I dont want to turn from supporting healthcare professionals to hating them. It's just so not the way. i need to find that faith and really hold onto it with all my strength.

Adsense

     So now Adsense is on this thing about not too many pictures or videos and a quality experience with enough original words. So, I'm increasing my posts with totally original words and trying to make sure my little song remixes are original and not flat regurgitations or anything like that. Hopefully adsense will see that I'm creating something unique and that people are actually reading and allow me to post some ads because this website costs time and money to maintain and I've been through a lot, even if people like to disagree on the details and a warm f*** you to Ableists and revisionists of my personal medical trauma. I'm so sick of these a*holes that collect at psych providers offering unsolicited opinions on pain and history that they know little to nothing about. 

    Anyways, I hope since adsense offers little specific feedback or even a way to discuss it with a human or even a robot that soon they find the wisdom to approve my sight or help me understand more clearly how to change it to make it approvable.

 

There was a place i knew a time so very long ago...

Where people came to say the words that they couldn't find in the world beyond.

The flames of frustration licked upon their bitter souls

But I found some angels whereupon

I ventured to find a life beyond recriminations

And save a soul or two

I missed the boat on a few of my ventures

And yet to that dream I still hold true.

And it's for my angels that I hold true. 

It's for my angels that I hold true. 

Today

     Today I took a break from my usual frustrations. I've been gradually getting back into exercise. I saw a friend. But I'm trying very hard to focus on going steadily. I got a little lost in the past, sometimes I still do, but I'm focusing on keeping my emotional balance and staying present. 

The Journey

     Anyways, I've gotten a little frustrated along the way. But if you can follow sentences then you can follow the history. It all started at MIP... with diagnoses like ADHD, Aspergers, and Bipolar. Then there was McClean, then Lost'n Rigged, then back down here with Prichards, and they added dissociation under the medical cPTSD umbrella with Leaves, then Molly added DID and Bipolar became a point of disagreement, then Prichards quit and I went back to MIP and the outpatient there with Artstick and coffee, then CCBH, Springbrook, then MIP again, and it was one big beautiful chaos. Inbetween, Leaves and Molly talked. Artstick and molly talked. then MIP tried to get rid of molly. Now here I am. I'm back with Molly, Artstick, and Coffee.

    What I think we can all agree on is that there is a very real problem(s). We sometimes disagree on the exact nature of that problem(s) and its solution(s). What I have to focus on is my life outside of hospitals. Because it's not about Elle, or molly, or leaves, or any of these professionals. Nor is it about THC or Spravato, which became a problem of its own.

    What's important to me is that I like people, and I like to write, and I know accounting. I need to focus. I can't afford more distractions or BS. I can't be alone forever. I need to focus on stability with the things I love and working with the people that know how to help. Because I want to take care of someone other than just me. I truly believe that is completely possible. 

    I just can't afford distractions. That's why I'm being careful with who and what I am around. I'm far too old for this chaos. I have no interest or patience for explaining myself to people that do not have the patience or the desire to understand. Not everyone needs to understand me. Some people are more "Hi" and wave types. 

    My life belongs to me. I decide where it goes. I'm continuing to look for work and to take my meds and see my professionals and to work on writing. I do have problems. Sometimes I lose sight of my limits. Sometimes I get a little out of touch with reality. Sometimes I get stuck on events or people or circumstances. Physically I'm in good condition. I need stability and restraint, both internally and from the people around me. And that is what I hope to see.

Down for the Count

I'm taking a vacation day because I'm really not myself without the pristiq.

What I don't Expect vs What I do

    I don't actually expect MIP to give a damn. It's tribalism at work. I certainly don't expect CCBH to have any desire to admit fault or acknowledge facts. I don't expect my brother and I to ever see eye to eye. 

    What I can't tolerate is the targeting and the condescension. The patronizing. I'm tired of the same old bullshit. I prefer to keep my distance. It's clear that no one was listening at any point in March other than my counselor. Which is why I didn't try very hard. It's not repairable and it's not worth it. Maybe we've gone from time to think to time to stay away. Because otherwise it's just more of the same. I don't see how so many years of psychiatric shenanigans gets a reset because everyone has decided on their facts and the bad guy(s). 

    I guess I thought that with humor and holding back I could change the dynamic. But that doesn't seem to be proving true. 

    What I do expect is that I will get my meds filled ASAP because the sudden stopping of Pristiq and the problems with anger and focus are real problems. The bullshit lies about addiction are not. They are an unproductive diversion. 

    I'm trying to forget the past and to avoid unhealthy situations.

This is how we blew it
(This is how we blew it)
(This is how we blew it)
 
This is how we blew it
It was inpatient night and I felt like a fight
The screwup was there on southwest side
So I reach for my BP and I turn it up
Designated doc take the keys to my chart
 
Hit the ward 'cause I'm faded
LPC's in the street say, Ash, you jaded
I feel so screwed by my crew tonight
The summertime jerks and my guys in the ward
All the STAFFERs DIDN'T forget the TEXTING
You gotta get your dx on before you go get discharged
So light up your chart and throw your hands up
And let me hear the staffers say
 
I'm kinda puzzed and it's all because
(This is how we blew it)
Southwest does it like nobody does
 
(This is how we blew it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall
(This is how we blew it)
Let's fuck with the mind, mouth off with a rhyme
(This is how we blew it)

 
This is how we blew it, throw scripts up in the air
Disburse them from here to there
If you're an big time shrink or a wanna-be druggist

You see the pharms been good to me

Ever since I was a lower case P (sych)

But now I'm a big P

The docs see I got the crazy

pumped up chart, y'all

If you were from where I'm from

Then you would know

That I'm gonna get mine cuz I'm fucked in the mind

You can get yours in anotha ward

Whatever it is, the party's underway

So light up your chart and throw tha scripts up

And let me hear the staffers say

I'm kinda puzzed n it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest does it like nobody does!

(This is how we blew it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall

(This is how we blew it)

Let's fuck the mind, mouth off with a rhyme

(This is how we blew it)

I'm kinda puzzed, it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

CCBH, MIP

(This is how we blew it)

I'm no criminal mack an you know that's a fact

(This is how we blew it)

Check it out

Once upon a time in '24

Ashes went texting a nurse off duty

And all they said was he must be stalkin

So they lit up the ward with lies and talkin

There lived a LPC who said that ain't cool with me

she came up to ashes, this is what she said

You gotta tell your story

So the bullshit don't get all the glory

 

Oh, I'm puzzing because

(This is how we do it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we do it)

To all my doctors, you got much gall

(This is how we blew it)

Let's fuck the mind, mouth off with a rhyme

(This is how we blew it)

I'm kinda puzzed, it's all because

(This is how we blew it)

Southwest blows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

Oh, it's analyze time

(This is how we blew it)

Straight up coming from the southwest side

(This is how we blew it)

Oh, some got the 'tude, yeah

(This is how we blew it)

And Ashes knows it like nobody does

(This is how we blew it)

Come on now, Ward

You know that this is how we blew it

This is how we blew it

Yo Elle, this Ashes, RN, the patient, your patient

Elle, I didn't mean to scare you

I'm trying to put this behind me

But the lies about my past are too much

I can't agree with MIP.

I want you to know that I didn't want this to happen

I was sad and afraid

You always looked out for me

But I'm gonna leave you be, peace

 Spidey gets to have emotions too. Spidey dudent knead di hospitals! Spidey take care of self. Molly help.