I am dividing my attentions between deliveries, further civil war research, and exploring plot and character ideas. The cooler weather is good for my temperament, though I vary from my frustration to my anxiety and back. I continue to research ways to improve my work practices. If work goes well, I'd like to consider leasing a vehicle with better safety and mileage for the business. But I have milestones to reach first.

    I know some people have been wondering what is going on with me. The best answer I have is the only answer I can truly give: don't ask. Seriously. It really is better that I don't try to explain. For multiple reasons, it's in the best interest of everyone that I don't say anything. I have tried. Nothing good has come of it. There are reasons I have gone mostly MIA for a very long time. What I can say is if you have any sense, you won't ask. Certainly no one is obligated to humor me, but as far as I know, I am not obligated to talk to anyone. Some people have learned to leave well enough alone alone. I do appreciate that. 

    Today, my phone died while I was working. Some of the apps I use for the deliveries use a lot of power. I'm starting to get the hang of it though.

    I'm putting all my energy into maintaining focus. I don't have to wonder whether people understand, I know for a fact that they do not. They have proven so time after time. I've overheard more then enough. That is why I keep my distance. Otherwise, we're just wasting each others' time, dragging each other down. Life is too short. I have to focus on what I do well. 

    I used to long for more human connection. I used to brainstorm ideas and make up excuses to be with people and I would think about people. Yet, so often now it's an after thought. 

    I need to make sure I'm not wasting my life. That is why I need to focus on what I am good at. I am definitely not good with people. If I can stay out of other people's way, I'll take that for a win and focus on writing and working. I only hope and pray that this delivery thing works out. I'm running out of ideas.

    Sometimes I really do wonder why people say they want to talk to me or be around me when they don't actually seem to enjoy it. I'm just saving people the trouble. It's really weird to me that I seem to have become one of those "work better alone" people, because I don't think that's who I actually am but it seems to work out better for everyone. My life seems more stable and functional. 

    People seem to have a lot of questions about my life. I really don't understand why. What I'd like to do is just start asking people to assume the most logical answer to their question and if they still are unsure, go with the more boring answer and save the time. Because generally what I do is not that interesting and it doesn't vary much. I do ordinary stuff. Eat, sleep, cook, clean, work, write, read, watch videos, healthcare appointments, sometimes exercise. Heck, there are people that get paid to talk to me and they dont seem to enjoy it that much. Seriously.

I'm exploring my options for delivery partners. Writing is taking a back seat as I acclimate to the business. 

    Yesterday, my schedule took me to Traveler's Rest and Easley. The driving keeps my mind busy. I still think about problems and I still struggle, but it's that rhythm of driving that is calming. It's regular and structured. Of course, sometimes traffic gets stressful. Or finding parking. Sometimes there's construction. At night, I get just a little nervous around isolated areas, but I've not felt in danger. Customers almost always prefer no contact, which suits me just fine. I divided today into 3 shifts. I'm going to try to write some today. I need to start back into an exercise routine. Doing daily stretches and movement exercises is important when you spend so much time driving. 

    I worry about the future. I see hope in this business. It's something REAL, something reliable and simple. Something I can do well. It's not circular conversations or arguments. It gives me some productive potential beyond my writing. I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I need to be very careful. I've made so much progress on my physical health. Trust is a risk. 

    I've scheduled daily delivery shifts to keep me on track. But this anxiety makes me feel trapped sometimes. It's rather urgent that I avoid the unexpected. I need to be like a clock... regular, predictable. I need to be like the planets, with my work as the sun. It is only a rigid and unbending focus that can deter unexpected events. 

    Doing deliveries helps me to become more familiar with the area roads. There's solace in the rhythm of the road. Whatever time I have left, I need to be careful in managing it. There is little to nothing to protect me if trouble finds me. 

    Difficult memories are fading as time passes. I want to be very cautious moving forward. I remind myself everyday to focus on the basics and to be careful how I spend my time and with whom. I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I can't afford to entertain ignorance nor waste time arguing with the deaf. I need the peace of solitude until I find people who are able to see me for who I am and appreciate that person, not attack him nor slander him behind his back. I am putting away my medical misadventures.

Accountec Deliveries

    The Business is starting up well. I'm pleased. I want to focus very closely on the business and continue to avoid distractions. This is my chance to add value. To be productive again. Between the business and my writing, I have a direction and I can worry less. 

This is why I need a simple life. I'm not even sure why today has been difficult. I need to stick to a simple routine. As few distractions as possible. Just the essentials. Anyone who doesn't hear from me, I wish well in my absence. 

I calmed for a bit this morning and then the anxiety came back. I feel on edge. I think its because i started leaving the house more often.i need to focus. I just know something is going to happen. And I cant get distracted from doing my deliveries. I finally got them started. 

    I had this dream a couple of years ago, I was in this building and a lot of people I knew were in the building too. But they couldn't see or hear me. And the doctor said it was about being separated from people. I do feel separated. There's this distance between me and them. It's gotten wider and wider. Sometimes it feels like they died and strangers took their places. It feels very ominous. Walking around this way.

Sometimes I get these anxiety attacks... I used to get them in high school. Feeling like I need to run. Ive had them less until rather recently, about 2 years ago, they started coming back.

 I still feel nervous leaving the house. I worry about the future everyday. I always was a one on one type, but these days it's even harder to handle groups. I am really glad to be doing deliveries. I want to focus on that. Gives me peace to drive. I thought I might get nervous about accidents. But its been a while since that one accident. I'm paying close attention, too. 

It makes me very nervous how much people get into my business sometimes. I feel the need for a great deal of space and breathing room. It stresses me out so many people asking so many questions and getting into my space. That's part of why social events are difficult. That plus the formalities, the appearances, the small talk...

    I'm continuing my study of the Civil War by reading a book on secession. Then later I have more deliveries. Soon I'll have to pay a visit to the South Carolina room at the library, the upstate history museum, and the confederate museum to aid in developing my book outline. I'm definitely going to focus some of the book on Bull Run, Chambersville, Columbia, and the Shenandoah Valley campaign. 

I have a feeling something is going to happen. I need to be careful. If anything happens to me, I want my property distributed amongst my nieces and nephews. I want to be buried in Greenville. Not cremated. Buried. 

I'm going to take today to rest. I have work this evening. I won't be answering any communications.

Sometimes I feel like I'm sleep walking while I'm awake. Like I'm in a dream world. There's a storm coming. I dont know when, but its coming. I have to be ready.

    What worries me the most is that I have struggled so much to communicate with people, and I don't seem to be getting more effective at it. That's why I feel certain I need to simplify my life. I need a more manageable life. I honestly am not sure how I can be such a bad communicator. Maybe I leave too much unsaid. That's part of why I want to focus on written communication. So I can see what I'm saying as I say it.

    I really need to focus on the essentials. My income, writing, and health. I can't afford to lose focus. I've had far too much chaos in my life. I need simplicity. Basics. I just don't think I have the emotional bandwidth for more complication or distraction. Maybe that really is my big take home lesson for this whole saga. I need a simple life. People so often try to me into various things but with my memory like it is I can't afford to play around.

    It's not my desire for anyone to have trouble, including myself. A simple life keeps trouble out. Maybe I'm getting less flexible as I age. With any luck I can manage to be consistent with keeping simple.

    I hope tomorrow's shift goes well. I don't know why I get nervous. I need to focus really hard on simple. Basic. No distractions. 

I keep getting this nagging feeling that something bad might happen. I want to be extremely cautious. I cant afford any setbacks. I dont think Ive been being vigilant enough. I'm going to simplify my life more. I want to focus on only the absolute essentials: work, writing, health.

I need to focus on improving my finances. I've scheduled more delivery shifts.

    I worry tremendously about being around people. I know I misinterpret people frequently, including people I know well. That's part of why I need to focus on what I'm good at... writing and working alone. Conflict seems inevitable. I need to stay away from potential conflict. I get so spacey.

I've been discouraged by social anxiety and agoraphobia. It doesn't prevent me from working because I'm mostly in my car. I feel a profound uneasiness around people. 

    I started doing deliveries yesterday after obtaining glasses. Accountec is fully operational. I just don't think it will be able to do the accounting work given my social skills. Plus there's liability concerns. I desire a quieter life. 

    Meanwhile, I continue to fill in plot elements for my Bloody Fourth story. I need to refresh myself on civil war culture a bit more, as well as a few key battles. As I write some of the prose, I'm becoming aware that I'll need to study the dialect of the time. I found it interesting that Lee was said to be a poor communicator. One source said he did not speak English, he spoke "Southern Gentleman". It was a slightly rambling speech with a lot of pauses and implied content. His subordinates were forced to fill in necessary details. There's so much detail of plot and character that I will have to generate almost from thin air, because the sources I have discovered thus far are pretty thin on the specific people and events I am desiring to write about. 

    Thus far, I can only divine that company B of the 4th Volunteers was posted NW of Old Stone Bridge at Bull Run. If I'm understanding correctly, that particular company was mostly held in reserve, but I have not finished my research and I may yet discover otherwise. They were posted to the West of Stone Bridge and then assigned to a temporary battalion under Major Whitner. I have to research Major Whitner and the temporary battalion more.

Patience

    Patience is not always my strong suit. I need to engage my patience more. I always knew I wasn't the greatest communicator, but I have been working on communication. Part of that is to eliminate unnecessary or ineffective communication. Sometimes with speaking, less is more. I'm trying to be more strategic with questions, by asking more questions and more open ended questions to stimulate conversation when appropriate or withhold questions when the time is not right. I've also experimented with direct vs indirect communication and written vs oral. I'm trying to choose words and gestures carefully. 

    I want to spend more time being productive and genuine and less time managing miscommunications, expectations, and distractions. I lose patience with formalities, games, and narratives. I'm getting to an age where I feel like I can't afford to waste time. I want to be productive. I need to focus on my strengths, which is why I have chosen to focus on a delivery business (which minimizes communication) and my writing. In time perhaps I can expand my goals and activities. I've had enough setbacks that I do not want to take unnecessary risk. 

    On the positive side, I feel that the medical is going better. I'm eager to keep that stable, and I've put a lot of time into communicating with the doctors. Hopefully, I will be able to engage a little more with the world without disturbing this equilibrium. 

    I don't know exactly where my life is going or with whom. But I feel like I have to make careful choices, and not engage unless I am certain of the direction I am going. It's a rigid way to run one's life, but I've taken so many detours. I feel that it is essential to form some new social connections, carefully, and to be productive with my time, avoiding idleness and distraction. I need to have something to offer the world, and I need real connection, not confusion. The isolation has not been ideal, but it has been effective in clearing my mind. Now I need to test my flexibility, my adaptability. I am uneasy about doing so, but it is unavoidable. If I cannot adapt, I will not survive in the long run. Less vigilance and more flexibility is needed. 

    I just cannot see how I can ever be content unless I finish my writing and improve my financial situation. I need to know that I am moving in that direction. It doesn't even matter whether anyone likes what I write or whether it is profitable, so long as I am satisfied with it that will be enough. As long as it is complete, makes sense, and has the proper form and structure that will be enough.

    Social engagements put me on edge. I need to rediscover my adventurous and playful side. 

    Now I must focus intently upon my goals and follow my passions. I do not want to be distracted from my goals. There is only so much time on this earth. I want something to leave behind.

    Time and space allows for a sense of hope and serenity. A healthy diet, some quiet, and keeping some distance all continue to bear fruit. I'm a little nervous about the holidays coming up and my plan to start driving more. But life has been almost peaceful, almost harmonious at times. God willing, I can maintain this stability and peace for the rest of the year. I think that's a good goal: no surprises, no new projects, maintaining routine. I plan to keep focus on my essentials, keep space and privacy, and enhance my peace. A predictable life does not have to be boring; it can be a tremendous relief.