Words

Greedily, you demanded so many

Not just the number, but the type

Now, be satisfied with what you stole.

Do not ask for more

You will have none.

Keep my silence

Allow me that peace. 

So remorseless

I renounce your narratives

And declare us strangers once more.

Sometimes, I wish I had the energy, money, time, or talent to care or to change the world around me. I see or hear things in the news, social media, or conversation. I know that I am mortal, and I do not have those excess resources. If I do not keep myself focused on the most essential tasks, no one can do it for me, they might even deliberately sabotage me. They might help, but they can't do it for me. I need all my focus and energy on point at all times. That is what allows me to be productive, calm, and safe. 

But if I keep focused, I might be able to do more. I can't rush that. My impatience is one of my greatest weaknesses. Slow and steady, with everything, even if I have to fight my family, even if I have to fight the hospital, even if I have to fight every last man and woman in Greenville. There is only one way. Slow and steady, focused. That is how I will reach my goals. God willing, no one will stand in my way. I am mortal. And damn stubborn when I need to be.

I need to improve my timeliness and accuracy in my work just a smidge. Track down my MIA tax return. Somehow there's always more then enough bills. How is it that food alone costs as much as it does? Today I have two small shifts of deliveries, then I’ve got to get more food and try to fill out these outlines more. All this supposed brainpower and medication and education isn't going to get me anywhere if I don't keep my progress bars moving. Right now that's measured by word counts, complete deliveries, on times, revenue dollars, expense dollars, and to do list items. 

Life is more peaceful when all the parts are moving together. Any one part stops moving or decides to move the wrong direction, then theres trouble. I'm just one part of Greenville county. Hopefully all the other parts are watching where they are going, too. 

    It's a tremendous relief to have a more realistic and clear direction for Accountec and for myself, even if it has very little to do with accounting or technology. It will require continued vigilance and focus. When my mind is clearer I do everything better. Sometimes I feel slightly self absorbed focusing so rigidly, but immediately I remember the difference between now and March, and I know I'm on the right path. Continued focus will allow me to improve timeliness and accuracy at work, to complete more writing, to feel more calm, and to improve my finances. There's little to no room for error, because I can't risk homelessness or more hospitalizations or unemployment or more dysregulation and chaos. I'm too tired, too unpopular, too poor. There's simply not enough wiggle room. 

    While I'm not delivering, I'm mostly reading. I'm finding that I don't actually like Gone with the Wind very much thus far. I prefer Cold Mountain. I think a lot about the characters and plot elements I'm working on for my book. It's been nice to have some breathing room, but there's still much to do. The ads keep giving me errors, I have some property I need to divest, bills to pay, and so many unfinished writing projects. 

Writing feels exciting to me. I figured out the climax for the civil war story. It's fun when the characters feel alive. The climax is shortly after the burning of Chambersville when a group of confederates argue over a woman and a black man they capture in MD. War exhaustion has fully set in and discipline has collapsed as the war effort crumbles and suddenly its every man for himself in enemy territory when the situation turns deadly between two west virginians, some virginians, and the south carolinians. 

    I'm well aware that people have a hard time believing anything I say, particularly what I'm about to say, but the fact is that I have had a hard time and I need to focus on something productive, something worthwhile. Given my skills and deficiencies, writing this story about Greenville seems like one of the better options. 

    I'm reading Gone with the Wind and Cold Mountain concurrently and then I hope to read The Black Flower. Life is too short to waste time on arguing with people about what I need or to work at cross purposes or to idle everything away. I need something REAL, like this delivery work and the writing. So long as I'm minding the law and paying my bills, there's really no one that can stop me from doing just that. 

    I need people to stay out of my way. I'm rather exhausted of knowitalls, busybodies, bullies and other energy vampires. It's not that I enjoy being blunt. But as I explained to the doctors, and they seem to understand this, it's time to stop wasting time and resources and for me to do what I need to do. I'm not making a lot of money but at least I'm doing something productive. The customers seem mostly pleased, and the more I do it the smoother it should go. 

    So that's my plan. I'm going to mind my own business. I wish everyone well in my absence. Before long it will be the holidays. I plan to keep a low profile, maintain focus. I've had enough excitement. Once I've really made some headway on my work and writing and seen a period of calm, then I can worry about being social. For the time being I don't have the energy to spare. 

    My thoughts revolve around the work and my writing. I feel I have wasted so much energy and time in unproductive pursuits and have become so conscious of my mortality that I am obsessed with what I produce and impatient with the process. I debate over key creative decisions and brainstorm on characters and plot almost incessantly when I'm not working, but it's a relief to be focused on work and writing rather then health and hospitals. 

    I think a lot about how to deal with key aspects of this Civil War story, especially slavery and societal attitudes of the time. I want to be realistic but not boring. I think I'll need to read Uncle Tom's Cabin. If I'm going to finish this project, I'm going to need to exercise my patience. Learning enough detail of the events, the culture, the dialects, the people and generating the story will all take time. 

The fact is I write for the joy of creation. Any additional benefit is a side effect... a welcome side effect, but a side effect. I am well aware that I have displeased some people, which is one of the reasons I must focus on my strengths to the exclusion of distractions. I do not have the energy nor desire to engage in failure, and I fear I have wasted too much time already... health, work, writing... that must be my trinity. It's like I explained to the doctors... Its in everyone's best interest that I am home, healthy, and productive. The best person to ensure that is myself, so I must give it my full focus. If I work hard, I might finish my writing. That is my greatest desire.

    Working later in the day is taking some adjustment. I've been more of a day worker. Good news is that my ads finally got approved. Bad news is I'm having trouble configuring them. I think I'm going to have to shift my sleep schedule to stay up later. I've been thinking a lot about ideas for my civil war story. It takes some time to brainstorm, organize the ideas, relate them to the 1860s, and then compare them to specific historical events and people. I can tell that the way that I want to do this, it's a big project. I haven't even worked out all the main characters. As I have done more research and considered my options, I've realized I'm going to want to take some significant creative liberties.

    Today I drove mostly in the lower end of the county. I visited Gray Court. I saw different parts of the old Greenville Laurens Railroad. 

A New Leaf

    You know, I really wasn't expecting to say this, but my affairs may have taken a turn. I wasn't really expecting much understanding after March, in fact my advice was universally to not expect understanding, though different people gave different reasons for that. I have to admit, somewhere between my heart doing jumping jacks, being threatened with jail, nearly becoming homeless, contacting the fbi, and becoming a hermit, I became concerned for my safety and wellbeing, perhaps excessively so. Maybe I'm not the only one that got tired of the chaos and failures to communicate, because there seems to have been a change in tone. The hospital and I have had a few heart to hearts via mychart. At times I was a bit blunt. I needed to be sure I was being clear this time. The ER psych had a diplomatic way of describing my communications, "emotionally charged". 

    I remember the PA's reaction to my March hospitalization. After the appointment ended he looked at the staff and I believe he smiled and shrugged as if befuddled. I recall a staff member asking "Do we have to keep him?" like I was a lost puppy they found. Since then he's been listening closely. We definitely needed some listening going on. I'm not saying that the Attending Psych and Resident at MIP March were bad doctors. I'm saying that there's no way they could have known what to do because the entire hospitalization was tainted by misinformation, lies, rumors, and BS from the very beginning and the attending and I barely exchanged 3 words. We've added a lot of clarity since then. It's actually rather beautiful what open and honest conversation can do. I decided that I would give them more information then they needed, just to try to eliminate any possibility of confusion or conjecture.

    You know, it's September, and soon the leaves will fall. I'm working, and I have all the necessary meds. Are we finally finding a way to not work at cross purposes? Time will tell.

I am dividing my attentions between deliveries, further civil war research, and exploring plot and character ideas. The cooler weather is good for my temperament, though I vary from my frustration to my anxiety and back. I continue to research ways to improve my work practices. If work goes well, I'd like to consider leasing a vehicle with better safety and mileage for the business. But I have milestones to reach first.

    I know some people have been wondering what is going on with me. The best answer I have is the only answer I can truly give: don't ask. Seriously. It really is better that I don't try to explain. For multiple reasons, it's in the best interest of everyone that I don't say anything. I have tried. Nothing good has come of it. There are reasons I have gone mostly MIA for a very long time. What I can say is if you have any sense, you won't ask. Certainly no one is obligated to humor me, but as far as I know, I am not obligated to talk to anyone. Some people have learned to leave well enough alone alone. I do appreciate that. 

    Today, my phone died while I was working. Some of the apps I use for the deliveries use a lot of power. I'm starting to get the hang of it though.

    I'm putting all my energy into maintaining focus. I don't have to wonder whether people understand, I know for a fact that they do not. They have proven so time after time. I've overheard more then enough. That is why I keep my distance. Otherwise, we're just wasting each others' time, dragging each other down. Life is too short. I have to focus on what I do well. 

    I used to long for more human connection. I used to brainstorm ideas and make up excuses to be with people and I would think about people. Yet, so often now it's an after thought. 

    I need to make sure I'm not wasting my life. That is why I need to focus on what I am good at. I am definitely not good with people. If I can stay out of other people's way, I'll take that for a win and focus on writing and working. I only hope and pray that this delivery thing works out. I'm running out of ideas.

    Sometimes I really do wonder why people say they want to talk to me or be around me when they don't actually seem to enjoy it. I'm just saving people the trouble. It's really weird to me that I seem to have become one of those "work better alone" people, because I don't think that's who I actually am but it seems to work out better for everyone. My life seems more stable and functional. 

    People seem to have a lot of questions about my life. I really don't understand why. What I'd like to do is just start asking people to assume the most logical answer to their question and if they still are unsure, go with the more boring answer and save the time. Because generally what I do is not that interesting and it doesn't vary much. I do ordinary stuff. Eat, sleep, cook, clean, work, write, read, watch videos, healthcare appointments, sometimes exercise. Heck, there are people that get paid to talk to me and they dont seem to enjoy it that much. Seriously.

I'm exploring my options for delivery partners. Writing is taking a back seat as I acclimate to the business. 

    Yesterday, my schedule took me to Traveler's Rest and Easley. The driving keeps my mind busy. I still think about problems and I still struggle, but it's that rhythm of driving that is calming. It's regular and structured. Of course, sometimes traffic gets stressful. Or finding parking. Sometimes there's construction. At night, I get just a little nervous around isolated areas, but I've not felt in danger. Customers almost always prefer no contact, which suits me just fine. I divided today into 3 shifts. I'm going to try to write some today. I need to start back into an exercise routine. Doing daily stretches and movement exercises is important when you spend so much time driving. 

    I worry about the future. I see hope in this business. It's something REAL, something reliable and simple. Something I can do well. It's not circular conversations or arguments. It gives me some productive potential beyond my writing. I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I need to be very careful. I've made so much progress on my physical health. Trust is a risk. 

    I've scheduled daily delivery shifts to keep me on track. But this anxiety makes me feel trapped sometimes. It's rather urgent that I avoid the unexpected. I need to be like a clock... regular, predictable. I need to be like the planets, with my work as the sun. It is only a rigid and unbending focus that can deter unexpected events. 

    Doing deliveries helps me to become more familiar with the area roads. There's solace in the rhythm of the road. Whatever time I have left, I need to be careful in managing it. There is little to nothing to protect me if trouble finds me. 

    Difficult memories are fading as time passes. I want to be very cautious moving forward. I remind myself everyday to focus on the basics and to be careful how I spend my time and with whom. I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I can't afford to entertain ignorance nor waste time arguing with the deaf. I need the peace of solitude until I find people who are able to see me for who I am and appreciate that person, not attack him nor slander him behind his back. I am putting away my medical misadventures.

Accountec Deliveries

    The Business is starting up well. I'm pleased. I want to focus very closely on the business and continue to avoid distractions. This is my chance to add value. To be productive again. Between the business and my writing, I have a direction and I can worry less. 

This is why I need a simple life. I'm not even sure why today has been difficult. I need to stick to a simple routine. As few distractions as possible. Just the essentials. Anyone who doesn't hear from me, I wish well in my absence. 

I calmed for a bit this morning and then the anxiety came back. I feel on edge. I think its because i started leaving the house more often.i need to focus. I just know something is going to happen. And I cant get distracted from doing my deliveries. I finally got them started. 

    I had this dream a couple of years ago, I was in this building and a lot of people I knew were in the building too. But they couldn't see or hear me. And the doctor said it was about being separated from people. I do feel separated. There's this distance between me and them. It's gotten wider and wider. Sometimes it feels like they died and strangers took their places. It feels very ominous. Walking around this way.

Sometimes I get these anxiety attacks... I used to get them in high school. Feeling like I need to run. Ive had them less until rather recently, about 2 years ago, they started coming back.

 I still feel nervous leaving the house. I worry about the future everyday. I always was a one on one type, but these days it's even harder to handle groups. I am really glad to be doing deliveries. I want to focus on that. Gives me peace to drive. I thought I might get nervous about accidents. But its been a while since that one accident. I'm paying close attention, too. 

It makes me very nervous how much people get into my business sometimes. I feel the need for a great deal of space and breathing room. It stresses me out so many people asking so many questions and getting into my space. That's part of why social events are difficult. That plus the formalities, the appearances, the small talk...

    I'm continuing my study of the Civil War by reading a book on secession. Then later I have more deliveries. Soon I'll have to pay a visit to the South Carolina room at the library, the upstate history museum, and the confederate museum to aid in developing my book outline. I'm definitely going to focus some of the book on Bull Run, Chambersville, Columbia, and the Shenandoah Valley campaign. 

I have a feeling something is going to happen. I need to be careful. If anything happens to me, I want my property distributed amongst my nieces and nephews. I want to be buried in Greenville. Not cremated. Buried. 

I'm going to take today to rest. I have work this evening. I won't be answering any communications.

Sometimes I feel like I'm sleep walking while I'm awake. Like I'm in a dream world. There's a storm coming. I dont know when, but its coming. I have to be ready.