People tell me that I look younger than I actually am sometimes. Growing up, I was an idealist. I did have confidence, outwardly at least. I come to realize in this dispute of mine over diagnoses that, regardless of the details, medication can only do so much. It's been quite a distraction, trying to understand what exactly the different medications are doing and what they aren't doing. When I got diagnosed with the DID thing, I thought it was a chance to reinvent myself, to improve my life, but it hasn't quite turned out that way. Instead, I find myself brushing up against barriers that I was either unaware of or was trying to ignore. Ironically, I passed the CPA exam but it expired a good long while ago. I'm feeling my age in moving slower, responding slower, not having the same endurance. I have to be realistic. I don't know who I thought I was. But it's become clear I've been expecting too much from medication.
I feel like I've overestimated myself and seen life unrealistically. It's hard to unhear and unsee, it's hard to unknow. I think I need to reach into myself and find that inner solace to quiet my thoughts and simplify my life. My mind is too curious. It wants to tap all the wells. I need to be careful. My cat may have nine lives, but I think I have fewer. I came back from two comas, maybe I shouldn't push my luck.
I like to see the younger people taking a turn. Maybe they can do more than I could. I'm still looking for some part time work. I think Accountec is going to have to focus on the teaching, which is what I originally wanted to do with my accounting. I'm not sure what that looks like at this point. Social systems simply aren't easy to navigate. They are everywhere. I find writing much easier then actually talking. Strange how that works. Of course, it doesn't help that this implant makes talking a bit more difficult than I anticipated. Just another example of me overestimating medicine.
Every time I think I know what to do, someone or something proves me wrong. I should have been a simpler person.
