Doctors and Bipolar Bullshit

So, there's really no reason for anyone to be afraid, unless they have MD or PhD after their name. Because I'm pretty damn sure that there's plenty of South Carolina doctors who are sick of this Bipolar Bullshit. So long as people leave me be, and I am just a normal person in the state of South Carolina, there's no trouble here. But I would hope that people are taking my advice. Retiring or taking vacation days. Rethinking life choices. Rethinking DSM mania. Rethinking Bipolarization. Keeping insurance and recording legal contingencies. Shopping for defense attorneys. There's a few people who have a bone to pick. Interstate clusterfuck. Maybe I shouldn't have lied about the drugs. Maybe I shouldn't have lied about the coverup. That kinda thing. I have no idea why Malacheck is dead. Neither do the authorities. Some people are still alive. They need to rethink their life choices while they still can. Or it never ends. Until I'm dead and buried. Then other people can take legal action for me. I just don't see how this is OK. This is a country of laws. There are many. They are not optional. 

Do not go back to that Gentle Table...

Rage, Rage, against the submission to the overlords. 

Maybe not all of South Carolina needs protection from toxic masculinity. Maybe it really is just me. But the end of bipolar and this medicalized perfection shit doesn't have to be ugly. I have to take George's advice. Bipolar dies when I let it die. It stops haunting me when I let it go. Clozaril stops being "my medicine" when I make it obvious that it's not necessary. I do have a few lawsuits to file. But that needs to wait. Because I'm one person. And the state of South Carolina and the FDA have a lot on their plate. And Clozaril is out of date. It's not used much anymore. It's long out of patent. So, doctors just need to be intelligent, use other options. I'll just have to trust that the doctors of South Carolina find their wisdom and their humanity and stop treating people like science experiments. Then they won't have to sue anyone. Their health can be just fine. But we got here together. I was taught this bullshit as a minor. Now I have a few small repairs. I need people to back off Angry, while Angry changes a few legal names and etc. I'll have to visit my Social Security friends... oh they just loooooooooove me... But let's not be stupid. I don't want to have to file reports. A few small repairs. Then I can be kind and less delusional. After the Bullshit stops, we can all sit down. 

I keep coming back to...

I can't go back to the past. My body is not what it used to be. I can't keep shooting for the moon. I have to let go. move on. Stand alone. Smaller goals. My memory is not... cohesive. I remember. I can't recall. But I've got plenty of help. They won't let me down.

Future

I don't know where the future goes. I just know it can't be like the past. I have to think about the good eggs. I'm trying to think of the good people. The people in the middle. I have a lot of thinking to do. Things to do, people to sue. Potentially. That's why I need to think. Not something you do lightly. I have to think about what's best and what's necessary. Keep people safe. From God complexes with rx pads. Anyways, just by staying alive, I warn people about liberal medicine. So I'm going to be quiet for a while. Just post, medical, mind my own business... catch up with friends, take a vacation from perfectly irredeemable. I'm trying for the middle. Just ok.

The Mirror

I've been spending a lot of time looking in the psychological mirror. I hope we are all doing likewise. Because I firmly believe that some of these experts who have pointed out that people do not accomplish things on their own, but in combination are right. That SDOH was flagged for a reason. Individuals or even groups within a community are not the end all and be all. We sink or swim together. That requires everyone to have a voice. I'm not the only one with rough edges. I'm not the only one who gets defensive. I do like the occasional luxury. But unwanted luxuries bring unwanted pain. Use of threats and force is not helpful. Maybe if all the Angries back off, then it doesn't have to be that way. I'm not great at communication. But instead of further contemplating suing people from SC to MA, maybe people can just mind their own business. Certain people can stop stealing from other people. Certain other people can find their own peace. Even other people can work on further other people's problems. I can move back towards doing some taxes. Maybe write those stories. If we can all just mind our own business. 

The point I'm trying to get across is that people need to be very careful with getting in other people's space, making threats, and using drugs (Prescription, substance, or illegal substance). It scares me when people imply that illegal drugs are ok or safe. It concerns me when MDs abuse their power. But I need to let the government worry about all that. They can't reclozaril me. That's the important thing. I get to make choices. Some people are not good in combination. Better separately. Sink or swim. People need independent thought. Cannot play with fire. We'll all get burnt. So I step back. Stand alone. As I need to.

Sharing

I can't actually be shared between Italians and Americans, Conservatives and liberals, Doctors and patients, men and women, unless people get a grip and stop being so controlling. 

Small Fish

Now that I supposedly have FBI protection and the attention of public health, I have to jam up the program. Stop the med train in Greenville County. That means talking as much as possible while I still can. 

Miss the Pain

Hello

Can you hear us

Am I getting through anew?

Hello

Is it great here?

There's a prescription that was mine

Are you sure I'm here alone

'Cause I'm

Trying to explain

Something's fucked

I just don't sound the same

Why don't I

Why don't I

Find some pride

Or go outside

Kiss the pain

Whenever I need me

Kiss the pain

Whenever we're gone too long

If your eyes feel empty and greedy

Miss the pain

And wait till I'm gone

Keep the times

We're under the same lies

If the light's

As empty for me as for you

If you feel

You can't wait till morning

Ban the scripts

Hello

Do we miss me

I'm told you say you do

But not the way I'm missing truth

What's new?

How's the volume?

Does it echo now and then?

You sound so close but it feels like you're so far

Oh would it mean anything

If you knew

What I'm left imagining

In my times

In my rhymes

Would you know

Could you grow

Eat the pain

As you fall

And are disturbed.

Think of clozapine

Then ban it

Don't be stupid

Forced druggings don't help

Eat the pain

Wherever you hide me

Eat the pain

Whenever I'm gone too long

If your work

Feels empty and predatory

Eat the pain

And look for the light

Keep in mind

We're living the same lies

And the night's

As empty for me as for you

If you feel you can't wait till morning

Miss the pain

(Miss the pain)

Hello

Can you hear us?

Allergies

 My Allergies keep changing. Now I'm allergic to Good ol' boy doctors and narcissistic personalities.

Coffin

She's a bit dusty, but Old Vlad only settles for zee best. Zee 1766 model, tricked out with bluetooth speakers and wifi. I stopped by Home Freako just the other day to check on the varnish selection...

Sleep

 I may have cracked the code.

Peace and quiet (Birds)

l-theanine plus melatonin plus flower extract

Meds as directed

CPAP

Let's call roll...

Angry? Present

Sad: rotating

Irritable? Rotating

Tired? Present

Inflammation? Present

Jealous? Faint, but Present

Sleepy? Present

Sore throat? Present

Tight and hot skin? Present

Fight or flight? Fight

Pain in face? Present

Disclaimer

    I want to reiterate that this is all fiction unless proven otherwise. None of this is true in any way unless proven otherwise by someone other than me. Just helps to ramble. So, rule #1, do not act on hearsay. In one ear and out the other unless it helps you personally. My energy is low. Some things may be permanent.

Gender Bullshit

I also think part of toxic gender norms is getting on men's cases when other men won't accept help. It's like... I TOLD YOU TO GO OUT AND HELP HIM... So if he refuses to accept my help, I just keep asking? Or I start helping anyways so that he gets pissed off? Oh right, I'm supposed to read minds. I forgot about that. Some people are just terrible at communication. No matter what you do, they're mad. Just starting to try is a mistake. I bet some people know what I mean. Or, go find whoever. Well, if he's hiding from you, you think he wants me to find him? Great idea. But seriously. Sometimes being around certain people just has bad idea written all over it. Something Springbrook mentioned. Not giving people too many chances. They actually did much better then the other hospitals. But they specialize in Autism, like Riggs, so I guess between that and the correct history, they saw a lot that others didn't see. CCBH was just all kinds of stupid wrapped up in a bow. They made no sense whatsoever. A trained chimpanzee could have taught those people better. It's not that they didn't want to try. They were simply blind. 

Let's Just Say...

I tried being boring. It didn't work out. Where I go, shrinks follow.

Staying Alive

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk

I'm a woman's man, no time to talk

The music loud and the women warm

I've been kicked around since I was born

Well, now it's alright, that's okay

And you may look the other way

We can try to understand

The New York Times' effect on man

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive

Help me, woman

Well now, I get low and I get high

And if I can't get either, I really try

Got the wings of heaven on my shoes

I'm a dancing man and I just can't lose

You know it's alright, it's okay

I'll live to see another day

We can try to understand

The New York Times' effect on man

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive

Life goin' nowhere, somebody help me

Somebody help me, yeah

Life goin' nowhere, somebody help me, yeah

I'm stayin' alive

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk

I'm a woman's man, no time to talk

Music loud and the women warm

I've been kicked around since I was born

And now it's all right, it's okay

And you may look the other way

We can try to understand

The New York Times' effect on man

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive

Life goin' nowhere, somebody help me

Somebody help me, yeah

Molly's got me with coffee pudding now...

 you know. like ice cream with espresso poured over. like that. affugato

Anyways, between city center, Springbrook, mip, ccbh, atlanta, belmont, stockbridge, mindful, half the psychiatry power on the east coast, dss, fbi, etc, you should have me pretty well figured out. I'd like to stay home now.  And i have to finish fixing this printer or buying a new one. Gotta file taxes paper this year.

Psychotica

     I have differences in realities with the people who own my home and car. I'd like to see those realities closer together or to own my car and home. Otherwise, I burn out quickly.

SDOH

 SDOH = (FAM1+FAM2)*(CHAOTIC BILINGUAL CHILDHOOD) 

= MILD AS + MILD ADHD + MILD AUD PROCESSING + cPTSD/DID

+

SIMPLE CARB DIET WITH RED MEAT = HYPERLIPIDEMIA + BORDERLINE DIABETIC

PTSD + CLOZARIL = ALL SORTS OF PHYSICAL AND PSYCH PROBLEMS. A WALKING TRAIN WRECK.

But at least we learned something. That's what the Nazis would say. Am I right? Would they not? I'm sure Conner is quite proud. At his multi-state clusterfuck. That Atlanta tried to stop. But Greenville wasn't listening. Fact. An MD recommended THC and I took it legally per medical advice. Fact. I'd like to not see this happen again. Fact.

PTSD

If the problems fall under PTSD as well, and the docs don't like the term DID or understand it very well, might as well just call it PTSD, right? Makes sense to me. Maybe the gender changeup didn't work out so bad. Now I have a bunch of ladies. Who are terrified that I'll learn their names or try to hug them. Not the end of the world. Though I don't think they need to worry. Too many people watching. Anyways, I got better things to do with my time. When I have the focus, the energy, and the calm. 

Anxieties

I worry if I connect too much at one time, what i might say or do. How would I interpret others? How would they interpret me. So far, we've not done a bangup job together.

Switching and Writing

Writing while switching is difficult. Every time you switch, you want to tell it a different way. It's like, come on guys, why can't we agree on one little scene? Only wrote 4 versions! Seriously! Writing while Angry is worse. Cuz then you start thinking about suing half the east coast. That doesn't work very well. It's like... wow. What just happened? 

River

I feel like I need to think more about my life. I feel like there's parts of the picture that I'm not seeing. That there are things that I'm missing. But I think I'm getting closer. To seeing the big picture. So I'm glad for that. Unfortunately, I have to take what I can get when I can get it. But I need to understand better. In order to be funny, I need to be angry first. Then I can be funny again. I'm not sure what's next. I don't have much of a plan. Yet. I am glad though. To have more space. Breathing room. To be me. Without meeting any particular standard, tend, or appeal. 100% genuine in isolation. Just some hallucinations. Wierd dreams. I had one about tis river. Running fast. Huge river. Fast water. Carrying me away. I thought it was the one nearby, but much bigger, and faster. 

Greedy

Now that the doctors and their friends have stopped talking long enough for me to hear opposing view points, it's starting to make more sense. A lack of boundaries and pushing too hard dressed up as Bipolar by people who couldn't be bothered to notice red flags and were making far too much money off hospital insurance. A multistate clusterfuck. Motivated by old Greedy... the river of money that runs through here. Greenville County does have a problem. It's greed. Medical greed. But I switched out my team. Firewalled them. Got FBI and Public Health involved. Hopefully, Clozaril will be removed again, permanently this time. Hopefully, I'll never be one of them again. The boundaryless people pushers. Some people do move away and start fresh. I'm stubborn. And medically complex. Moving is not appealing. I need to figure out all my boundaries, legal and otherwise. Then a judge can rule. Theres too many people involved. I can't be the only one. This county needs to be safe. For the kids. You know they used to call it the Rainbow River? Why? Chemical Dumping. That's why it's so complicated to rebuild that dam. Toxic chemicals can be released by construction... Move into the water supply. Downstate. Good old Greedy. Used to be factories polluting this county. Now, it's doctors.