Translate

Tuesday, June 3, 2025

Friends of Upstate Healthcare


    I started a new group on Facebook. Maybe calm some waters. Hopefully that and tutor/tax. Depending on my health. Maybe Arson will come to an event. 
    Energy is low, but I feel good about this idea. Stay in home. Advocate. See new people.

Sleep

It doesn't look like I'll be going back to Vinewell. They took it off the list. Just as well. I named them as at fault for not checking my vitals. For the hospital visit. But I'm only sleeping a few hours a night. Well, minimum is about 5. Sometimes as much as 7 or even 8. But that's much different from sleeping 9-11 a night. I'd say my sleep has decreased by 40-50%. Maybe that's why she said I was in a deep sleep with Clozastill. 

Monday, June 2, 2025

Whistling...


    
Ok. I think the meds are balancing out. I've got more to do list items. I don't know how much public health is benefitting. But for me, it's a journey to being more well-rounded and functional. Still have the episodes. PTSD like. But i want to add more. Ive been trying, believe it or not, to protect privacy. But there's only so many metaphors. I know my families fairly well. I knew MA medical well. I have more work to do. But it's getting there. Gotta go by goodwill. More around the house. I called the internist about the physical symptoms and then the dystonia started, and I forgot. Now it's just some red bumps like shingles or chicken pox. But they stopped itching when dystonia went away.

    I gotta exercise more and get some sunlight. I've been doing the job search. Small was pretty. I just didn't recognize her. They hid Kenzie in IMU and Red was gone too. Shame. Paytlyn refused to work with me. I think time alone can be good. I miss my women... I remember when I was younger, I used to hug the nurses... that got me in trouble. But I learned a lot too. I like the nurses because they have a different perspective.

Lessons

    I think the greatest lesson MIP has had for me in recent times revolves around not repeating past mistakes. Moving on to new things, new people, new ways of thinking. Not repeating the past. Breaking habits. I think people can change. I'm trying to make sure I preserve the good while working out the bad. But it's been confusing. 

    So, I hope that I'm not the only one learning. I hope other people see what truly happened in my life and learn something from it. Whatever they may learn. I want them to learn something. I don't want to be the only one learning. I don't want to be bubble boy. I just want to be. Without being miserable. Preferably. But alive is good too. It's just wierd how people move back and forth between "You're not taking us seriously enough" and "Don't be so serious. Relax." Relaxing can be hard to do. 

OK

    Anger is a natural human emotion. It helps us learn about trust. It tells us when our boundaries have been violated. It helps us learn about the world. It helps other people learn about us. What's ok. What's not OK. Some things are not OK. But at a certain point its time to stop being angry. While learning from what caused the anger. That's why I want people to learn about woodruff road. So the world can have less anger. But denying anger makes it worse. I don't remember any apologies from the wrongdoers. That's what bothers me. But I cant let what happened control me. No matter how wrong it was nor how many red flags were missed. Because the world isn't responsible for my anger. Projecting my anger against people who did no wrong or continuing to be angry at unrepentant people makes no sense. I can't force people to recognize thier errors. I can't force people to repent. I am not justice. I'm a person. 

Sunday, June 1, 2025

Relief

    It really is a relief to have my healthcare behind a firewall. It gives me peace. It makes me happy. I have privacy and control again. With Prichards, I wasn't getting what I needed. Leaves knew. Molly knew. Even Arson knew. Now I have room to breathe. That's why I know I'll be ok. Not because of a dx code or a med or thc. Because I have control. And room to breathe. And I'm grateful for that. 

Calm the Waters

Dear Friend,

    I hope you've been well. I know it's been a long time. My hope was that by reaching out to you, we could shut down some of the nonsense and the running around. Some of the lying and the poor boundaries and the threats and other abusive conduct. The God Complexes. Stuff like that.
    I hope that is what is happening. I'm not trying to stir up the hornets, but I was asked to bring some things to your attention by multiple people in the community. We just want to slow down some of the med trains and the lying. Be more productive and engage in less BS. I hope that we can do that. 
    Otherwise, they'll be looking for another hospital or center or hole to stick me in. And it's sad when you become allergic to people. But it's been rough. Two comas. Lots of running around and drugs. I'm counting on you and my team. I know there are people that want to help. I'm trying to help too. Some people don't listen. 
    Calm the waters. I need you to calm the waters. If we just listen, and act on the truth that we hear without lying... things can be better. Calmer. Less Psychociating. I know everyone has problems, but this is ridiculous. Otherwise it's a constant back and forth, one side vs the other, both scheming and lying and it just never ends. 
    I'm counting on my people. Calm the waters. Keep the bulls out of the china shops. 

Thanks

Ashes



Dear Healthcare Professionals

    Good news. We worked out a few kinks in the program. My families and I have been deep in disjointed discussions. We're changing the approach. Smoothing out some edges. Less specific. Going with a more PG theme. You'll be hearing more from the Tales from the Attick gang. Improving our boundaries. 
    Maybe a little less serious and confrontational when we have to talk again? That would be great. Tweaking the recipe a bit. Just a few more names and details to change. Maybe get things back down to a PG-13ish. Perhaps if I return, no talk of legal actions or jails? Threats aren't conducive. Thanks. All the one-way communication isn't working well. I still think Robin Williams is a good template, but we're learning as we go.

The Blood Connection

    Molly hab many secwets. Spidey hab many eyes, doh. 6 eyes, eight legs. The eyes see different tings. But Spidey's onto glue. Many spiders and dragonflies reporting back. Di Itsy Bitsies stand by. Ebben di search bats, just in case. Spidey catches a ride on Vlad sumtimes. Udder times...

    Vlad's always had a weakness for di A-. One night, Vlad was missing and the window was open. There were broken branches in the Southern Trees. Eddie started sniffing around. Before Spidey gnew it, we were riding hard towards the Blood Connection. Dat Bat. 

    Ennyways, Molly hab many secwets. She's been keeping a pew. But Spidey berry perceptive. She nebber wanted to clean house. She's very surgical when she cleans. Berry pwecise. Just a pew nuts to gadder. A pew leabes to prune. Dat's all. Berrrrry delicate, Molly is. She just doesn't like wildfires. She keeps her Arson limited. Berry limited. Because Arson can only do so much. Arson is a blunt instrument for a detailed problem. Can't just go throwing gasoline around. That wouldn't do. Precision. Intention. Delicate. Poetic Justice. That's how Molly is. 


Medical Board



    See, I'm rather convinced that Mindful is right. That when the evidence from the Medical Board, City Center, Mindful, MIP, and possibly Springbrook comes to light... Someone is going away for a while. Or at least retiring. At least one someone. And there are other survivors. It all started at MIP. It ended there. 
    I'm pretty sure MIP thought I was trying to go back but they were wrong. I'm not going back. I'm moving on like the poem they gave me. The one about going down another street. That one. I'm going down another street. Bigger and better things.
    But like I was saying... Besides me moving on, we have to make sure it's safe for the kids. That they have room to shine, that they have what they need to shine. So they can do their bigger and better things. We can help. You need to let people help now and then.

Trauma Counseling

What Trauma Therapy Can Help With

People seek trauma therapy for any number of different issues. Some of the reasons people might need trauma-informed therapy include:

    Combat trauma

    Accidents

    Assault or attack

    Domestic violence or intimate partner violence

    Community violence

    Natural and man-made disasters

    Medical trauma

    Injuries, including traumatic brain injuries (TBI)

    Physical abuse

    Emotional or psychological abuse

    Sexual abuse or assault

    Early childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect

    Traumatic grief

    Bullying in schools or workplaces

    Witnessing trauma or experiencing secondary trauma

9/15 ain't bad. I score 60%.


Doctors without Boundaries



    I think it's in the best interest of everyone I knew prior to 2019 to review their boundaries. To think long and hard about their actions and how they have affected others. To review their decision making. To keep their distance. 
    MAYBE I shouldn't get so close to minors. MAYBE conflicts of interest are bad. MAYBE the world doesn't actually revolve around me. MAYBE medications are as dangerous as "drugs". Maybe I should shut my trap before I speak aggressively. Maybe sometimes it's not my place to speak up. Maybe drugging and physically manhandling people has long term negative consequences. Maybe when people start talking about insurance fraud, protecting people, victims, too many meds, and jail around someone I know, maybe that's a bad thing. So many maybes. Maybe threats are bad. 
    I want the kids to be safe. I don't actually know any criminal networks; I just know Doctors without Boundaries. Doctors without Boundaries makes House calls. Doctors without Boundaries doesn't like to be questioned. I wonder why?
    You spend enough time doing something, you lose track of the effect of what you are doing. You get numbed. You start acting without thinking. Because you know what you are doing. Only, you push too hard and suddenly you're getting sued or called by the Governor or maybe contacted by Public Health. Then you wonder why. You get bitter about the times the crybabies managed to sway others. 
    But it doesn't have to be that way. Good boundaries. Slow down. Stay in lane. Don't interfere with other professionals, don't make threats, don't goad people, don't go out of your wheelhouse. Be kind. 
    I think we can all learn from DID therapy. Arson had a good idea...

Saturday, May 31, 2025

Trauma and Harassment



    Something that MIP helped educate me about was trauma. It is unwise and unhelpful to bring up someone else's trauma in conversation. Let me repeat that. It is UNWISE and UNHELPFUL to bring up trauma.

    I realize some people will look down on me for being the way I am. That is their problem and not mine. Some people go to war and get a leg blown off, others get medically manipulated and end up in multiple comas and somehow come back. The result is trauma. You can call it PTSD, cPTSD, or in some cases, DID. I do not give a darn about people who are not intelligent enough to have common sense about trauma. The proper term is survivor, not victim.

    Furthermore, please do not make me file reports with regulatory or law enforcement agencies. I do not like doing it, contrary to popular belief. It extremely unwise (read: stupid) to goad or agitate someone with trauma. It is dangerous. I will not apologize for defending myself either physically or via legal means. That is my right and at times it is in the public interest.

    Some effects are permanent. Do not make me file reports. Do not cause public safety incidents. Do not make the ER's efforts to bring me back a vain effort. By intentionally disrespecting an impaired person you are not only committing an immoral action and endangering people, but you are breaking federal law. People can be locked up other than me. People can be Tased other than me. I 100% have the right to defend my person if necessary. 

    I'm REALLY getting tired of explaining the obvious. It is causing many people many problems when others violate federal law. Comments, I can ignore. But if someone becomes aggressive towards me or endangers myself or those I am with, I will defend myself and I will not apologize for that. The less I have to file reports or repeat myself, the better for everyone. I'm rather certain that the FBI, SCDHEC, the medical board, and others have better things to do with their time then separate people who are adults and should know better. 

    I do not discuss my trauma for a reason.

    If your IQ is above 70, you should be able to understand this and be held accountable for a lack of follow through. So, act like it.

Memory Exercise (Per Clarity Learning Center, 2019)

Repeat after me:

Ashes and Dust's memory is IMPAIRED. He can REMEMBER. He may not be able to RECALL.

Repeat that 63 times and then reconsider being demanding of me.

If you still have the desire to be aggressive towards me, consult a psychologist and then a priest. 

The Mental


   I don't know what goes on in people's heads. Now I'm just bitter. Before I was idealistic. Things change. People change. Sometimes there's no going back. I am past the point of no return. Anyone who wants to be in my life must respect my personal space and beliefs or you will not like the result. In short, don't mess with me. I'm tired of repeating myself. 
    Internalized Anger. That was 1997. It's 2025. It seems the anger is still there. Dont play with fire. You will get burned. Just leave me be. I am far beyond caring what your interpretations of my problems with my families are. I need to move on. That means leaving some people behind. Expecting people to change is like expecting the Red Sea to part. Only God does that. The truth is, sometimes life is just that: dark. I've actually written a lot more then I have posted but in the process of dealing with life changes much of it was lost. I can't actually change what I write every time someone doesn't like it. I'd never write anything that way.

IRL

I like playing with my cat. I want to spend more time with my guitar in private. I have a few things to sell. Please don't ask about my past or my family. I have more then a few ghosts. I like art. I like Spanish and French, though I'm not familiar with speaking French. I'm very much into technology. I don't actually like talking about myself. I lean towards European sports. I admire humility. I'm rather sick of being pushed around. I like to read. Ive spent so much time litigating my health that it has consumed me. I like cool weather and rain. I like animals. My skills are mostly academic. God grant me the peace to show up in public again, the patience to learn again, and the wisdom to bite my tongue. Grant psychiatrists the humility they so desperately need and the wisdom to shut their mouths.


Amen. 🙏 

Multiple Professionals Disorder


    
When you have too many people giving you advice, it's very much like garbage in, garbage out. Too much noise on the line. There's been a lot of BS coming my way. So, congratulations, you get what you pay for. But it's making me angry. I'm trying to have a sense of humor about this. Otherwise, it's radio silence for now. 
    Never mind established research, let's circle the wagons and BS away. Never mind other professionals' standardized testing, let's be verbally abusive in a hospital setting. Find someone to blame, people.
    Honestly, what I'm engaging in could more accurately be called journalism then advocacy. But I'm trying to help. The health care workers are frustrated. Families are frustrated. I've been thinking about lawsuits. It needs to stop. There's not a hole to bury me in yet. So maybe back off angry. Just a little. Show some respect for the team. You think this is easy? You're dreaming.

People

    There was a time when I thought I had some understanding of people. I did love psychology. I'm so tired of trying to understand people. I write these words hoping someone might find some comfort in knowing that someone else out there struggles. When we're all just walking around, it's not so clear. Sometimes people say the strangest things. 
    Now I avoid people. It's gotten too difficult. I keep getting pushback. I don't understand the program. Then they get angry that I don't get it. As if I'm trying to obstruct. I'm just breathing, folks. Waiting for y'all to figure out what you want. I'll still be here when you do. Just make sure to keep it simple. Don't make me run around, waste my energy and my time. I've done that enough. I just don't get it. 
    Now it's like shooting in the dark, tired of getting hit. Sometimes hospitals try too hard. They try to accomplish too much in too little time, then get mad when it doesn't work out. Kinda like a fools rush in thing. I'm still trying to figure so many people out, and they're tired of trying to understand my lack of understanding. I've had many people like me. Now it seems hard to do. 

Cocky

    Some people are cocky. They like to tear other people down. I met a few in the hospital. It was sad. See, in life, we are meant to pay attention to what we are trying to do, not to tearing other people down. Some people miss that one. They can't resist. It's like their crack cocaine, tearing other people down. Me, I try to reserve it for people that need to be deflated a little. People that are presuming. And I try to use it sparingly, because I'm more used to the opposite. At Crisisline, my first priority was following protocol. But I was there to help people. To listen. And if they kept me around for 3.5 years, I must have been good at it. I'm just having trouble enjoying things. No need to get smart or threaten. I don't have as much energy as I used to. I have to save it for taking care of myself. Maybe I got a little off track on the advocating. Such a strange word. I went in a few different directions. I don't understand what's going on. Some days, it's like walking through traffic blindfolded. Some people are pushing me forward. Others are frantic that I'm going the wrong way. It's gotten to the point that I don't like being around people anymore. And that's sad. I've been getting mixed messaging from people. And a lot of pushing. And I don't get it. Not sure which direction this is going. But I'm very tired. The fewer suggestions, the better. Less opportunities for making mistakes that way. Sometimes I just like listening to the tone of voice, and not the content. Especially with young men. Men can be the very worst know it alls. There was one prick in the hospital. I wanted to work him up. A young punk. Extremely obnoxious. I've met a few like that. It's not very impressive.

Friday, May 30, 2025

Bury Ashes

I wonder why people say some things. It seems sadistic, some things people say. Yeah, I've gotten death threats. A few. It's a strange place to live sometimes. In a strange time. So might as well let everyone know exactly where to find me. Because if I end up dead at this point, they'll know right where to look. So, there is no danger. No one would be that stupid. It's just depressing people feel the need to make death threats.

Funny

    Someone said something funny the other day. She said its good to see someone thriving. Somehow I'm not sure what she meant. This seems slightly short of thriving. I don't understand doctors. I've got a sinking feeling. I feel like I'm seeing only the dark. I'm not even sure why. I liked myself much better before I knew what I know now. World's going in wierd directions. I'm not sure exactly what these people are trying to accomplish. Maybe I should write more fantasy. Realism seems over-rated. It's gotten too dark.         All I know is that i need to change directions. I really don't understand these doctors. Or the hospitals. Makes no sense. 
    The other funny thing is the lies people tell. The doctors will say one lie, the patients a different lie, BUT THEY BOTH LIE. And then they point fingers. Makes no sense. I don't get these people. 

Clozastill

I need to think about something else. Thinking about money, psychology, and work is not doing it for me. I feel like I've been sprinting the wrong direction for decades. I need a reset. Clear my head. I'm so tired of this. Everyone thinking they know what I need and not having a damn clue. Bad programming. I learned wrong. I need to reprogram. Just a toxic cycle. I hope they find the wisdom. Make that pray. I pray they find the wisdom to ban clozaril permanently. Dumbest shit. Just a numb zombie stumbling around. For what? Permanent disability.  Great darn idea. Let's think another one. Geniuses. Truly. Stupid stupid stupid.

Return on Investment

I cannot swing too far to either side. I have to stay in the middle. I cannot indulge in liberalized medicine. I cannot indulge in revenge. There's work to do. Just because my life has changed does not mean that the world has stopped. It's still moving and there is so much going on. But I have to be sure of my footing. Walking blindly is not the path. Each day I have to remind myself of the goals and the directions. I cannot get off track now. I've come too far. They say I am strange, but this road might be stranger in that I'm definitely walking between groups. Have the liberal doctors repented, like I have? Are they being more careful? Are there others? Were there other houses full of pills? It seems like an important question. Because I know not everyone had the same experience. I know that the hospital is different now. And the CBT BS? Toxic masculinity? The meds? Have we truly learned? I hope so. I'm having trouble getting out of the past. I know that it's gone. They are replacing MIP. People are moving on. But I still get angry. All that danger to self or others crap. All that psychosis BS. Just to keep the pills moving. I got a little off track. I became their demon. The one they couldn't fix. Pushed too hard. Didn't understand CAPD or AS. Now we do. We understand nutrition better. We understand what people actually need better. But I've moved between anxious and fury a few times. I need to keep it lower. If it gets too high, I can't function. And if I get too angry that gives them an excuse to demonize. When they have their own faults they conveniently ignore. Go ahead, pass the blame around. We have to stop the cycle of blame and drugging. I don't always have the right words. I'm sure they will let know me know when I'm ready for more.

Determination

    What does determination look like? Much like stubbornness or courage. Doing something you know is right, consequences be damned. I have to return to my journals again and again to remind me of what the doctors want me to forget: the problems of Greenville County. There are people determined to see this through. I have to remind myself so that next time the doctors or their friends try me, I won't be suckered back in or intimidated by their threats. Because I'm not one of them. I'm the Auditor. 

Thursday, May 29, 2025

New Idea

Here's a new idea:


If you want me to stop lying about my families, stop lying to me and others about myself.

If you want me to respect doctors, respect patients. 

If you don't want me playing games, don't play games with me.

If you want me to stop idealizing, stop idealizing me.f

If you want me to stop threatening, stop threatening me.

Don't put me in a toy house and pull my strings and expect me to smile and kiss the royal ring.

Don't sweep your colleagues mistakes under the rug and demonize me and expect it to go away.

I have freedom of speech. Get freaking used to it. If you ever want to see me again.

Just stop being assholes and I will too.

Deal? Let's not make talking through lawyers necessary. 

I'll be more able to work and mind my own business and all that if people stop messing around with me.

And my mike truly has been <coughassholeahem> not very nice but I'm sure he's sorry and I'm sorry for calling him an asshole and maybe if we both quit we can be on speaking terms. Y'all just push my nephew too hard and I don't appreciate it. I know how he feels. I'm rather sick and tired of my families. Some people never learn. Bad in combination. Too much drugs is bad. Even by prescription. Back off of Angry and maybe Angry can back off.

Past Reflections