Piccola

 Caro Piccola,

    Non sei mai uscito dalla mia mente. Ho avuto problemi a trovare qualcuno abbastanza strano da capirmi.

    Non riesco a liberarmi di questi psicologi, però. Forse puoi capirlo. Credo di avere paura. Per così tante ragioni. Sono al verde, ho una reputazione e tu sei davvero bella.

    Non ho esattamente colpito tutte le note giuste ultimamente. Quando ero più giovane, abbiamo visitato Capri... c'erano le grotte... io le visitavo nella mia mente. Volevo portarti lì.

Tuo,

Ceneri

Small

Dear Small,

    How's the unit doing? Tell me, what do you do when you're not analyzing? You seemed a little overwhelmed. Do you like Arson's humor? The story about the turkey was pretty good. A good nerd story.

    I'm a nerd myself actually. What do you read? I'll have to write you a poem. Maybe throw in some of the stuff Red liked. You should meet Tigre. He's a good guy. He likes to go play with the neighbor kids.

    You should stick around. The city is nice. I feel a little less crazy when you're around. Do you like hugs? Tell Elle I said hi. Don't get sick now.

Ashes

"Pilling In The Name"

Pilling in the name of

Some of those that take courses, are the same that accrue losses

Huh!

Pilling in the name of

Pilling in the name of

But now you do what Grey told ya

Well now you do what Grey told ya

Those who died are justified, for wearing the coat, they're the chosen whites

You justify those that died by wearing the coat, they're the chosen whites

Those who died are justified, for wearing the coat, they're the chosen whites

You justify those that died by wearing the coat, they're the chosen whites

Some of those that take courses, are the same that accrue losses

Uggh!

Pilling in the name of

Pilling in the name of

And now you do what Grey told ya

And now you do what Grey told ya, now you're under control

And now you do what Grey told ya!

Those who died are justified, for wearing the coat, they're the chosen whites

You justify those that died by wearing the coat, they're the chosen whites

Those who died are justified, for wearing the coat, they're the chosen whites

You justify those that died by wearing the coat, they're the chosen whites

Come on!

Yeah! Come on!

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me

Motherfucker!

Uggh!

Confusion

    I think some doctors confuse kindness or respect with a lack of accountability or submission. I think it's important not to get confused. We're all human. Even doctors. I was the one they couldn't force medicate.

701 Grove

    Don't hate me because I'm arachniful. Sewiously. Spidey webs hard. Ebbyday. A liddle caught up in di details. Knot a big deal. Spidey hab a pew psychiatrists to haunt. Dey started it. 

Dear Small

    Dear Small,

    It gets lonely without you analyzing me. We should go for a walk sometime. Or climb a fence. Maybe break into IMU. Ah those were the days. Back when they didn't want to give me clozaril. Elle can fill you in. You missed a bit, Small. I wanted to pick you up. We could set up a dance floor in the gym. Maybe you can swing. In the old days, we used to shoot pool. I see you, I want to follow. Feels safe. When you're nearby. You looked so scared. But you were sweet. They invited me back. We just can't get enough of each other. Sleep well. Dont numb out.

    Ashes

Obsessive Patient Syndrome

    A liddle obsessive? Nooooooo, nebber! Spidey just hab a hospital or twee to haunt.

    Aiming the arachnapult at MIP...

Small

She gloves me... she gloves me knot... she gloves me... She gloves me knot...

 

MIP

 MIP and I been goin' steady for about 27 years.

Small

 

Dear Small

    You look quite lovely in scrubs. There's a white coat I could get used to. Been playing with fire? Dangerous business. You do understand why I'm doing this, yes? I'm a little less flappy these days. Prichards used to play with fire, too, you know. I'd hate for you to like it too much. It gets old. Take care of yourself. I wouldn't want you catching flu again. Anna looks quite cross with me. And we had had such a lovely smoothing over the time before. You know I am capable of hearing non-blondes, yes? I think you should check my pulse. 

Have I told you lately, that I love you?

Have I told you, there's an arsonist above you?

Fill my take home bag with pill bottles

Smile and my heart surely throttles

Ease my troubles, that's what you do.

    Yours, 

    Ashes

Neck and Neck!

Volly

 

Vell, Volly, a rather vindictive lot they are... they keep drifting toward the website...

Volly, zee legged one is conspiring to drop leaflets over Falls Park.

You let them upgrade to a gigabit, we'll never hear the end of it... too bad I can't bring Small flowers... I suppose I could air drop them into the courtyard...

To do...

Let's see...

throw ccbh under di bus?

check.

throw mip under di bus?

check.

Prichards?

mmmhmmm...

Malacheck?

too late.

so tomorrow?

Same bat website, same batty writer.

Heart

 

Today's music therapy.

Angry

I think angry went the wrong way again. He keeps getting lost. You know, i think all any of these people would want is for everything to be ok. There's been enough excitement.

Pressure

 I guess the problem with asking permission is that there is a pressure to say yes even when someone doesn't want to. I've been on both ends of that.

Gratitude

 

One thing that I appreciate is that people clearly care, even when they don't understand. And they seem to try harder. But lately my energy is so low and inconsistent. I get frustrated with the medical. It's difficult to make decisions, but my life seems freer.

My allergies are really wearing on me. I think i developed a sinus infection. Resting it up. I feel that I'm getting too distracted by physical symptoms. fatigue, headaches. lack of sleep. I've become somewhat nocturnal. I get anxious around people. More posts to edit... details to change.

Interpretation of a traumatic event

I remembered something about trauma. It's been said that an event that one person finds traumatic is not always interpreted the same way by others. So, differences in perspective and perception may explain the different reactions and the confusion around me. But I'm feeling better with the changes in the weather. Summer is bringing out something different. A sense of relief at last, though that doesn't mean its completely over. Waves. Moving through steps.

Revolver

    There are many reasons why, every day, I take time to remind myself why I'm doing this. They revolve around the house full of pills, the .38, all the people involved, the ICUs, the ERs, the endless overmedicalization. And we know now more than we did then. That's why the past doesn't have to repeat. And from what I understand, legal action is inevitable. But, if I stay clear and the hospital makes some adjustments, then there can be a brighter future. For everyone. 

    So I may seem obsessed, but for me it's life and death for more people then just me.

Similarities with Munchousens

    My life does have similarities with Munchausen's by proxy. Being carted around from hospital to hospital, center to center. It makes no sense. Nope, we gotta dx and drug. Can't go with normal. That would make too much sense. Though since I do have several disorders independently confirmed in controlled settings, it's not fully explanatory. That's why over medicalized makes more sense. Real problems, exaggerated. Some are permanent. Autism. Mild adhd. Capd. Probably ptsd. I'm just tired of medical. Im not even that old. It used to be interesting. These doctors need to be more careful. That's why I wanted to talk to public health. Because I see it the way that Munchausen's video sees it. As a waste of resources. These magic maker doctors are straining the system with referrals and consults and drugs and tests. If they get a few auditors, they can save resources from being wasted.

    The more I can shut down the medicalization before it starts, the happier and safer we will all be. 

I seemed fine when drugged.

I lacked awareness. I cannot repeat failure.