I hope you are well. I'm sorry that I asked so much of you. Maybe when the past has faded, I could see you one last time. I just want to know that you understand.
Because I know you. I do know you. I know when I last saw you you were afraid. I could see it in your eyes. You didn't know what would happen to me. I want to know that you understand. I want you to see who I really am. You know how to find me. If you need me.
I got a lot lost. Some bad steps. Walking through the past. Can't stop thinking about that hospital. Everyday. Every single day. The same people. It's just weird. It does get easier. Haven't seen you in 5 years.
One thing that has been a repeating theme in my life is that of patterns. Change involves breaking patterns. Change can be good or bad. Sometimes it's just something different. Sometimes people aren't able to change. I still take a lot of medication. I have more say in that then I used to, thank God.
But I seem rather stuck since 2022. It's difficult to maintain focus or conversations. Because my mind keeps going back to what happened. The very visual and auditory flashbacks have faded. I don't see And hear people from the past as much. I think of the same people day after day. Every single day. It's just wierd. Every single day. Same exact people. The drugs. They way they change people. Sometimes only for a moment each. Sometimes again and again. I know these hospitals. I know what they do. I remember.
I feel like I have to spell things out for people. Not because they cannot understand, but because they deliberately refuse to understand. It's like day after day, showing people two balls and then adding two balls and asking how many balls there are, and they say anything but 4.
So, one more time for the moronically intelligent:
SOMETHING happened revolving around Woodruff Road, Greenville Psychiatropy, a psychologist with bullshit ideas of CBT and manhood, and large amounts and combinations of Minipress, clozaril, seroquel, stimulants, benzos, gabapentin, ketamine prescriptions, and other drugs. Something extremely dangerous. And until the day I die I'll be working on making that clear to people. Because it could have been so much worse. And thank God it wasn't. But it's on me to make sure that people are safe from bad psychiatry. Accounting is a day job.
There's a reason they want it to be psychosis or illegal drugs. It's because then they can deny that something happened. They can deny that they were aware, they can deny responsibility and accountability, and it can just go away free and clear.
But that's not how life works, and it's most definitely not how I work. I know what Prichards did, I know who collaborated with him. I know the problems of Woodruff and its friends. The real problems. They revolve around legal drugs by prescription, lies, greed, and emotional abuse. And I have responsibility. To make sure people are safe from this.
Munchhousen's by proxy (MSP) is now known as a fictitious disorder imposed on another (FDIA). I've seen real life examples of this. A parent or caregiver can be unhappy, and they induce or exaggerate symptoms in another person to generate sympathy or take out their negative emotions on that person. It's very hard to catch. It was first published on in 1951.
Munchhousen's tends to generate high health care costs and unnecessary procedures. It is underdiagnosed because it is not well known and there is a high rate of countertransference. Patients with Munchhousen's have high mortality rates due to symptoms imposed on self and others.
The term was introduced by someone named Asher to describe individuals who intentionally produce signs and
symptoms of a disease and who tend to seek medical or hospital care.
In
1977, Meadow used the term “Munchausen syndrome by proxy” to describe children
whose mothers produce histories of illness to their children and who support
such histories by fabricated physical signs and symptoms, or even by alter
laboratory tests. This term is also used to refer to elderly or disabled
person and/or dependent adults who signs or physical symptoms are created by a
caregiver and whose laboratory tests were altered.
Munchausen syndrome has sometimes been referred to as “hospital
addiction”, “polysurgical addiction,” or “professional patient syndrome".
The problem lies closer
to home. These people may not be aware of the patterns. The hospital systems waste money on diagnostic bullshit and overmedicalization. DSM vagueness. Perfectionism in medicine.
FDIA is a relatively rare behavioral disorder. It affects a primary caretaker. The person with MSP gains attention by seeking medical help for exaggerated or made-up symptoms of someone in their care. As healthcare providers strive to identify what's causing the child's symptoms, the deliberate actions of the parent or caretaker can often make the symptoms worse.
The person with MSP does not seem to be motivated by a desire for any type of material gain. While healthcare providers are often unable to identify the specific cause of the child's illness, they may not suspect the parent or caretaker of doing anything to harm the child. In fact, the caregiver often appears to be very loving and caring and extremely distraught over their child's illness.
People with MSP may create or exaggerate a child's symptoms in several ways. They may simply lie about symptoms, alter tests (such as contaminating a urine sample), falsify medical records, or they may actually induce symptoms through various means, such as poisoning, suffocating, starving, and causing infection.
People with MSP are often health care professionals and are usually very friendly and cooperative with providers. They demonstrate a great deal of concern and may have Munchausen syndrome, a disorder in which they repeatedly act sick when they do not actually have any physical illness.
Possible warning signs of MSP The child has a history of many hospitalizations, often with a strange set of symptoms, the symptoms get worse outside of treatment settings, the symptoms are reported worse by the caregiver then the patient, the symptoms don't agree with the testing, the family has a history of unusual illness, samples do not match the genetics of the patient, or chemicals appear in the bodily fluids of the patient.
The exact causes of MSP are not known. Researchers are looking at the roles of biological and psychological factors in its development. A history of abuse or neglect as a child or the early loss of a parent may be factors in its development. Some evidence suggests that major stress, such as marital problems, can trigger MSP.
Diagnosing MSP is very difficult because of the dishonesty that is involved. Doctors must rule out any possible physical illness as the cause of the dependent's symptoms before a diagnosis of MSP can be made. A thorough review of the child's medical history, as well as a review of the family history and the parent's medical history may provide clues to suggest MSP.
The first concern in MSP treatment is to ensure the safety and protection of any real or potential victims. This may require that the child be placed in the care of another. In fact, managing a case involving MSP often requires a team that includes a social worker, foster care organizations, and law enforcement, as well as doctors.
Successful treatment of people with MSP is difficult because those with the disorder often deny there is a problem. In addition, treatment success is dependent on the person telling the truth, and people with MSP tend to be such accomplished liars that they begin to have trouble telling fact from fiction.
Psychotherapy (a type of counseling) generally focuses on changing the thinking and behavior of the individual with the disorder (cognitive-behavioral therapy). The goal of therapy for MSP is to help the person identify the thoughts and feelings that are contributing to the behavior, and to learn to form relationships that are not associated with being ill.
This disorder can lead to serious short- and long-term complications, including continued abuse, multiple hospitalizations, and the death of the victim. (Research suggests that the death rate for victims of MSP is about 10%.) In some situations, a child victim of MSP learns to relate getting attention to being sick and develops Munchausen syndrome themselves.
Going back to Stockholm Syndrome, traumatic situations, and perception...
People with trauma tend to flock together, especially with similar trauma. Beyond that, tight emotional bonds can form. Brothers in arms, survivors of abuse, people who went through a journey or event of some kind.
I have trouble remembering a time when Arson started a medication or increased one. Usually the opposite. That's how he was different then Prichards. Prichards and Assmussen were bad in combination, for damn sure. But they answer to God, like everyone else. Assmussen's out of practice but be careful about Woodruff Road.
I'll keep reminding people. So at least the smart ones can learn about toxic masculinity, Bullshit CBT, and bad psychiatry. I know there's something to learn here. I know because of all the drugs, all the people, and all the bullshit ideas. I know because I have trouble functioning. There's something to learn.
Spidey webbing up a storm... cobweb here, one obber der, anudder under here... ebbywherez a cobweb... WEBTOPIA! Now! ... embroidering in some messaging...
I'm so wordy, that's okay, I shaved my rhymes and I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all the drugs, but I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to touch and stare and I don't care
I'm so corny, that's okay, my will is good
I like it, I'm not comin back
I miss you, I'm not comin back
I love you, I'm not comin back
I chilled you, I'm not comin back
I like it, I'm comin back
I miss you, I'm not comin back
I love you, I'm not comin back
I thrilled you, I'm not comin back
I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends, they're on my phone
I'm so ugly, that's okay, 'cause so are you, we'll bitch and moan
discharge mornin' is everyday for all I care and I'm not scared
Light my mind up in a daze 'cause I've found shrinks
Yeah, yeah
Yeah!
I like it, I'm not comin back I miss you, I'm not comin back I love you, I'm not comin back I chilled you, I'm not comin back I like it, I'm comin back I miss you, I'm not comin back I love you, I'm not comin back I thrilled you, I'm not comin back
I almost forgot. Would it be alright if I brought Peytlin a half dozen soccer balls to remember me by? I know how sweaty patients put her and Addison in heat. I wouldn't want to let my birds suffer.
So whaddya say? Can I punt a few into the courtyard? I'll even sign them for her. Give Elle my love.
Ball 1: I love you, ashes
Ball 2: I love you knot, Spidey
Ball 3: I love you, vlad
Ball 4: I love you not eddie
Ball 5: I love you when you're not hiding soccer balls, jess
Vell, vhat did you expect? I have to be with my own kind! You cut off the A-, now I can't socialize. So flappy I can hardly stand. I hope Small liked zee flowers...
Cwazy Bat. He's hanging out with the Conestee hatchlings again. Dudent ebben like dem. Then he says he wants to fly by Home Freako. Fwed's been gibbing him trubble at di beach. Sneaky Gulls always coming up with something. Dey don't like Vlad berry dutch. Time to go for a crawl...
Oh, the thrill of the pursuit. Psychiatry has never looked so good. Do you power lift metaphorically? Exercising the brain is so rewarding. How are my friends? I'll have to visit again. You know how much I love family. Prismally speaking. You'll be happy to know that life on the outside has gotten quieter.
I'm walking the road less raveled. Sometimes it's a bit stringy. Sometimes threads lead in unpredictable directions. I hope the campus hasn't caught fire. You'll say hi to Jenn, I'm sure. The cat's doing well.
Say, you think you could hook me up with some maroons, for old time's sake? You never know when I might need to come pay my respects. I'll be in touch. Promises to keep, and meds to take before I sleep
In the military, they like to say that a combat operation never goes exactly as planned. The same thing is true for everyday life. My life has not gone as planned. For damn sure. However, losing a battle does not mean losing the war. I certainly hope I don't have to start spreading rumors about dating my psychiatrist to get it into people's heads that spreading lies about professionals is not wise. I like different kinds of people. They can all contribute in slightly different ways. I've known all sorts of people.
I do have moral responsibilities. I'm trying to build something positive here, while preparing to return to doing some accounting. I feel a moral duty to warn people about forced medication, drug cocktails, overmedication, medicalized perfection, toxic gender stereotypes, toxic CBT, and abuse in Greenville County. You can question my methods. You can question the results. You can't question my mission.
Sometimes life involves different emotions. For the benefit of people with low emotional intelligence, I'm going to start writing about what I believe emotions teach us. We are emotional animals. it's hardwired in because emotions help us learn about the world.
So, regardless of whether anyone ever knows the full truth or anything close to it, I think the amount of people impacted and the fact that the Governor's office spoke to Woodruff Road by itself says enough. Anyone with common sense can see that something dangerous happened. His actions do not define my life. I do. That medication does not define my life. I do. Bipolar does not define my life. I do.
My life is defined by a long history, that much is true. It is defined by growing up in the 80s, by being a loyal family member, friend, and member of the community. In surviving 2 comas, lots of drugs, lots of traumatic events, a lot of isolation and pain, and yet, stubbornly persisting, I did many things. I volunteered for 3.5 years with Safe Harbor, Crisisline, and Julie Valentines. I helped in the raising of nieces and nephews. I participated in multiple varsity sports. I learned a tremendous amount about mental illness. I got that BA in psych and the MS in Accounting. I certified in IT multiple times, passed the CPA, I worked in three different fields. I wrote poems and stories. I taught others. I traveled. I met many people. I lived independently. All that and more. And there are people who know my strength, my fortitude, my intelligence, my compassion, my humor, my resilience, my empathy. And regardless of what they say of me, I will die accomplished someday.
R.I.P., that which was myself. May those struggles rest and never rise again.
Autism Spectrum (AS) is a difference in neurological functioning not incredibly different from ADHD and related to Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD). Persons with mild AS have distinct differences in communication styles, great difficulty dealing with sensory stimulation, struggle with disruption to routine, and tend to high intelligence. Analytical thinking is strong and the ability for self-regulation and small talk is low.
These individuals do well in environments where coregulation is possible (emotional tuning of a group of individuals in concert). Self-play or solo work is common. High levels of analytical thinking result in increased ability in creative endeavors and academics (with proper support), particularly high mathematical aptitude.
Coregulation is one tool used in the therapies for AS. The leader is able to "dance a dance" with the other members, stepping in and out fluidly to provide hint and suggestion. Reassurances for moments of anxiety, calm for tension, energy for apathy, empathy for anger... a steady and continuous tempo that provides a consistent and reliable guide to allow the AS affected individual to manage sensory integration issues and maintain eye contact and consistency in the emotional connection that could otherwise be chaotic (including verbal or physical aggression in moments of confusion or tension) or absent almost entirely.
Whereas ADHD (which, like CAPD, has a fairly high rate of comorbidity) involves difficulty initiating and maintaining focus and often involves Mult focusing (multitasking), such as watching TV while performing cognitive tasks, AS is primarily a sensory integration issue. The sensory information is interpreted by the brain as chaotic and intense.
Persons with AS can be interpreted to have a childlike interpretation of the world, a decreased concern for money, a lack of understanding of other person's emotions (particularly in how they affect other people), and high emotional volatility. At times they can become nonverbal, and struggle to grasp the proper cadence of interaction, with poor management of boundaries and a lack of awareness or understanding, surprised by the emotional reactions of others. There is a disconnect that can appear cold when the person is overwhelmed or processing at a different rate than others. The lack of emotional attunement demands more time to respond to others, sometimes making interaction seem start and stop or cause a complete breakdown in communication. Persons with AS can play for hours or work for hours in isolation. "Own little world" is very characteristic, whereas ADHD, even inattentive, tends to manifest as more interactive and less disconnected.
Well, if I can get past the idea of my family being addicted to fixing me, I can move on to other things, such as setting up that new website to manage my 1099 contracting. It's almost ready. Then I can tutor, account, and whatever through that website, including payment portal. It makes things simpler. I gotta work on that and finishing my content review. Clean house more. Assemble some furniture.
I knew there was something I had to warn Greenville County about. And it matches the history and the records and even the gossip around town. And it starts with my families. Oh, it makes perfect sense. Fictitious Disorder Imposed on Another, formerly Munchhousen's Byproxy. Imaginary illnesses. That is the danger and the waste of public money. That's the source of the endless new hospital, new center, new doctor BS. And Bipolar was the perfect foil. Vague and completely internal and invisible. Whereas FDIA can be traced to records and facts. All these hospitals with their records. They just have to connect the dots. Like IMA did. Like Mindful Upstate did. Medicalized perfection linked to psychiatric illness. I found my answers. And it's all about control. Lack of boundaries. It even explains the DID and the memory issues. Greenville County has a lack of proper boundaries around medical care. And that was taught. It actually is a problem based in reality, not some bipolar/psychosis BS. And their own damn tests prove it. They have done so many. I do believe it.
On further reflection, the issues that pop up most frequently are Munchhousen's byproxy, DID, and mild autism spectrum.
The first because of the microanalysis of my faults, some controlling behavior, along with how publicized my health has always been. It's like my families are addicted to dissecting me. Can't leave well enough alone. Because I've spent so much time in hospitals. Because of the poor boundaries and high or moving standards. There's really so much detail to go behind this theory. That munchhousen's article lights up my brain like a fire.
The second because of the repeated tests of memory that come back with difficulties in recall, the testing in controlled settings, all the drugs, the docs and hospitals, the inconsistent realities, the patterns and changes in consciousness... it all adds up.
The third because it's been a part of the picture since the nineties and clearly explains sensory sensitivity (even the CAPD), the intelligence, and the findings from numerous professionals from springbrook to Boston to Riggs.
But I think the missing piece is Munchhousen's byproxy (FDIA). It makes so much sense.
