No more vacations, Volly!

Oh! That's my arachnid... he loses his cheese every other day...

 

My Mind keeps coming back to...

    The same thoughts. The same thoughts. I space out for hours. I still struggle to read. I can read short articles, but my attention isn't good enough to follow a chapter of a book, when I watch tv I constantly miss parts. I'm struggling to write. I'm not finding that peace. Being around people makes me nervous. I lost interest in activities. I'm less interested in food. 

 

Acrylic painting with paint markers

I think I'm expecting too much. I'm not finding my patience. I'm finding it hard to maintain equilibrium. Pushing too hard and freezing. I need better communication. I'm definitely not expressing well in person. But I need patience. I can only change so fast.

Annnnnnnd... freeze state. Maybe I read too much into this. 

 The ritalin seems to be aggravating my anger a bit. Time for the calm app and some breathing.

Angry got a liddle wound up on the fourth. Angry got distracted. Angry keeps going back to the same resentments. Angry missed the bus on patience. Angry gets a liddle stuck. Angry has trouble focusing. Angry needs time to think. To see different ways of looking at the world. 

 

Playing the Hand we were dealt...

 

SPIDEY ALL IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Exercise Day

 

Good Saturday Gweenville County!

 

    Fresh off our Fourth of July Hangovers, are we? Vlad was flying around all gnight, di cwazy bat, looking for an open blood connection. He came home fwustrated and thirsty. 

Restful

My sleep is becoming more restful. What a blessing.

The drumsticks were a hit. It's not hard to remember the recipe, either.

 

Don't worry, be flappy

 

So...

I need to find new things to focus on. Because I need to be able to relate to others. Though I feel I need to be careful about trust. These past several years have been disorienting. I used to recognize myself. That was a long time ago. Maybe 6 years. 2019. Before Leaves of September. 

More to Me

Dear Elle,

I just wish you could see that there's more to me then what you knew in the hospital. So much more. I'm not just some crazy guy on meds that you took care of. I'm more then that. I wish you could see. I remember sitting with you in the gym. You had the reports you were writing in that pretty girly print with the colored ink. You didn't mind that I didn't go play with the others. I would sit and talk to you. While you wrote report. I trusted you. I'm glad you were there.

Truly yours,

Ashes

Brilliant

 Instead of wings, I cooked drumsticks. <sigh> I thought they looked a little big.

 I feel like my life used to be different but maybe it was the same. I dont honestly know. It seems like the past was another lifetime. 

I worry what will happen to me. I'm worried if I will survive. If I'll ever have a family. I guess I assumed I would. But I'm getting old. Running out of time.

 

    I remember the Annex. The part of the ER that they kept people until there was a bed available. It's gone now. I remember the kid's unit, which became IMU, which I also remember. I remember Elle being with me on one of my first suicide watches. I remember her intaking me at the desk in the atrium area after my 2nd attempt and the long stay in the annex. I remember the ECTs. I remember all the doctors. I remember so many of the staff. I remember the grounds. I remember all the rooms. I think of that place almost every day. It was my third home. I was telling the psychiatrists the other day. I could give tours. This spot is where I met elle, this is where I did this, this is where that happened, this is where the other thing happened... I wonder if Sharon's still alive. I know Bobbi is still there. I do remember. I don't talk about it but I remember. 

4th Celebration

I'm making a small feast. There's chicken wings, potato salad, brussel sprouts, chips, and salad with watermelon.