The Basics of Complex Trauma

 

 Managed to get some exercise. Ate. Spacey. Missed one medication last night. 

Having trouble making basic decisions.

Somedays are better then others.

Mindfulness

I keep getting stuck in a funk. Sometimes I feel like my perspective is distorted. 

I must focus

 

No more vacations, Volly!

Oh! That's my arachnid... he loses his cheese every other day...

 

My Mind keeps coming back to...

    The same thoughts. The same thoughts. I space out for hours. I still struggle to read. I can read short articles, but my attention isn't good enough to follow a chapter of a book, when I watch tv I constantly miss parts. I'm struggling to write. I'm not finding that peace. Being around people makes me nervous. I lost interest in activities. I'm less interested in food. 

 

Acrylic painting with paint markers

I think I'm expecting too much. I'm not finding my patience. I'm finding it hard to maintain equilibrium. Pushing too hard and freezing. I need better communication. I'm definitely not expressing well in person. But I need patience. I can only change so fast.

Annnnnnnd... freeze state. Maybe I read too much into this. 

 The ritalin seems to be aggravating my anger a bit. Time for the calm app and some breathing.

Angry got a liddle wound up on the fourth. Angry got distracted. Angry keeps going back to the same resentments. Angry missed the bus on patience. Angry gets a liddle stuck. Angry has trouble focusing. Angry needs time to think. To see different ways of looking at the world. 

 

Playing the Hand we were dealt...

 

SPIDEY ALL IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Exercise Day

 

Good Saturday Gweenville County!

 

    Fresh off our Fourth of July Hangovers, are we? Vlad was flying around all gnight, di cwazy bat, looking for an open blood connection. He came home fwustrated and thirsty. 

Restful

My sleep is becoming more restful. What a blessing.

The drumsticks were a hit. It's not hard to remember the recipe, either.

 

Don't worry, be flappy

 

So...

I need to find new things to focus on. Because I need to be able to relate to others. Though I feel I need to be careful about trust. These past several years have been disorienting. I used to recognize myself. That was a long time ago. Maybe 6 years. 2019. Before Leaves of September. 

More to Me

Dear Elle,

I just wish you could see that there's more to me then what you knew in the hospital. So much more. I'm not just some crazy guy on meds that you took care of. I'm more then that. I wish you could see. I remember sitting with you in the gym. You had the reports you were writing in that pretty girly print with the colored ink. You didn't mind that I didn't go play with the others. I would sit and talk to you. While you wrote report. I trusted you. I'm glad you were there.

Truly yours,

Ashes