Can't sleep

Dear Joe,

    I feel like I am walking a fine line. I'm not even sure whom they were implying I was committing insurance fraud with. Or how. With my counselor, because I wasn't telling them what we were working on? With them, because I didn't feel phoenix center was right for me??? IDK. 

    I need to get better at this communication thing. If Clozaril could fix this, I would be on it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I need to stay out of hospitals. They're wigging me out. I'm like a lemming with hospitals. I just went to the ER to address the racing heart, clammy skin, faintness and weakness after Spravato, and boy what a nightmare. I don't need any more medical emergencies, that is for sure. It is a great mystery of miscommunications. I should have shut down the bullshit. I didn't. I was feeling a little too threatened to speak. I know someday I will be in a hospital again. What then? A lawsuit? Countersuits? Threats and toxic Bullshit? I have trouble understand the mind games. 

Ashes